The Shame….
I have to force myself to live in the moment. There are times during the day I find myself spiralling, thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month…
All those days will work themselves out if I focus on right now. Being better, healthier, getting my ducks lined up….
I got home around 5pm, spun up dinner for Charlotte and I (Ave is out), made a quick trip to the grocery store…protein, protein, protein…there is no end to my demand for protein these days. Once I got home I hit the weights.
Which bring us to TRT, Scott is sick of hearing about it, you may be also. I can’t wait to work out, not only because my body almost demands, it also clears my mind. Monday, so on the needle. My last injection was Friday so my Testosterone level would be at its weekly low Sunday night, but I still felt great.
I slept like an absolute baby last night, more than 8 hours. I have started taking D3, B12, and magnesium. CHATGPT tells me to. AI is my new favorite training tool, (and fitnessAI to track my workouts). Chatgpt tracks my food, tells me what I need more of, what to watch, what suppliments I need, if I workout too much–last week I went 6 straight days–and it doesn’t forget. Tomorrow it will just keep on making me the best version of myself I can be.
So…the doom and gloom, what makes my anxiety spike? I am organizing a refinance on the house. I’ve put it off for over 10 years, but it’s time. I also have some lawyering to do, my lord, they take their time…lol…I need to be patient and let the process run its course. I worry about these things. I’m trying to get this cabinetry company off the ground, have work to do, kids to take care of, a house to clean…its a lot solo. I’m sure the other side of this past life is in deeper….life is busy.
I still have 3 beers left of the 12 pack Syd gave me for Christmas…I’ve had 12 beers, 1.5 bottles of red wine, and 4 oz of bourbon this past month. That might seem like alot but around here that could happen in a day…..in what seems like a past life.
Is that TRT? There are definite changes to the way my mind is whirling around in there. I think about effort. My body rejoices in climbing the stairs carrying a load, again and again. It screams for protein….I’ve turned into a frigin savage. It’s 8:49, and I think I could lift again, another hour. I feel unstoppable physically.
That part of my life, my physical health, is better than every. I feel like I’m in my 20s right now…
and now….the weather….
Russett is lifting!
To quote Mr. Russett “You may be an asshole, but you’re a good motivator.”
A sweet compliment.
The same day Tbag said she was “So focused, thanks for your help.”
My good friend Angie commented on one of my FB posts, saying she thought shaming was out? I responded that if you are part of the club its ok…
And really, who am I shaming here? Myself? I am ashamed….I’ve tried to kill myself with Doritos! I should be ashamed….
One day long ago, Angie was trying to get ultra-thin, and her mother was scolding her for how lean she had become. Angie asked me in that moment to tell her mother it was a healthy lean….and it may have been…There is no shame in being fat if that is what you want to be…or fat…or gay…or whatever you decide is best for you, be a pumkin!
I’ve heard this shame talk before….usually from someone who is hiding their shame.
Rejoice in where you are at and welcome the road ahead.
I didn’t ask for any updates tonight. I know Russett will weigh less than me soon, Tbag is hard at it, Slab is pounding weights, Krista is eating marshmallows, and Jeremy is swinging his arms in the form of an ancient Chinese art, with a number of 80-year-olds.
The Quote of The Day
“A harmful truth is better than a useful lie.” – Thomas Mann
The truth is, my life is not perfect right now, far from it. I kicked Mel out, and she controlled our finances…I’m in the crap right now financially, but I’m getting it done. I’m done living with a drunk. I’ve had all the drunken abuse I can handle for one lifetime. She reminded me of my mother in the end, drinking every night and looking for a fight….She can fight the next guy…I want happiness.
In six months, my finances will be sorted out. I will be in the best shape of my life, reading a book in the backyard, by the pool….it will be paradise.
