Looking to the Future….Past…
This weekend I worked on uploading old manblog content….I put up a lot of old posts…
Shaking….my physical reaction to it is crazy….I didn’t expect it to be like this….
I managed to post the end of September 2014 yesterday….freaking right out…I had to stop…just shaking and my anxiety through the roof…medicated and right through the roof.
I’ve had coffee, so there is no point checking my blood pressure against the new average but I know its through the roof….I am shaking….,
I posted October 20th this morning….the first post of October 2014…
The manblog reads that I said I was going to take a break from posting until I hit 225….I think…and that was probably what I was thinking at the time.
The fact is….some time in July…in the summer of 2014…Ev and I were talking…She was sitting in the living room, sort of where the lounger part of the sofa is today, but we had different furniture…I can’t even remember what it was….was it Kramfors? Hmmm….I can’t picture the sofa but I see her….we are talking about things….life, diet, exercise…she is training for the Chicago Marathon, we are doing long runs….We aren’t necessarily watching our diet, as the manblog shows I am not really dropping weight…still heavy…oddly able to outrun her, her thinner than she has been in forever….me eating eggrolls and oreos…and she is having her share of oreos also…
I say to her…something like…”it’s weird, you are dropping weight. You are eating cookies and losing weight, it’s not like you.” She breaks down…she cries….that’s the moment I realize something is wrong….really wrong with her.
Up until this point she has told me there is an issue but hasn’t explained it thoroughly….and still doesn’t…she isn’t telling me symptoms, just that there is an issue.
We have spent the year or more trying to cut things out of our diet to find something that works for her…milk, gluten, garlic, just any old thing…a month without this, a month without that…but nothing seems to work….
She cries…over there in the corner…on the sofa…and I feel a pinch in my heart…my mind….she is dropping weight for no reason. We discuss options…she has a colonoscopy scheduled for January 2015…and there is a new clinic opening in Barhaven….with ultrasound…she is looking forward to going there day 1….where the doctor tells her to quit wasting her time….she is eating too much protein…and send her back out to the truck….crying….
During this time there is a stool sample kit in our kitchen cupboard…the shelf above where I keep our plates….I didn’t consider what it was at the time…but I threw it out sometime after she was gone….
As I upload the old posts, October 20th, Ev is still waiting to read what I write…and I write that she wants to build something….we will deck out the backyard next summer….
I will build the deck…….alone……..
I have not read past October 20th yet….I’m freaking out too much and I want to really evaluate my feelings and my words as I review and post the next year or 2 of my life….I will cry for 400 days…
October 30th Ev will have a colonoscopy and we will find out she has stage 4 colon cancer with mets in both lungs….She will die on the 17th of December….for 6 weeks I will try to keep her alive….I will go for drives in the truck to cry….I cried in front of her 1 time in those 6 weeks and she HATED it….she wanted my strength…so I drove and cried to hide my fear…and pain…from her…..
I built that deck alone………it’s gone now…….for years the color will be gone from the world…..I wonder if all the color ever came back? I wonder…..has it….will it….
I feel great right now, I’m super healthy….I’m taking very good care of myself, physically and mentally…time to reread the next 400 days….explore where I was at….dreaming of digging a hole to lie down in….staring at the butcher block….evaluating oncoming traffic….living at the bottom of a whiskey bottle….
October 20 2014: https://themanblog.ca/2014/10/20/day-where-were-we-its-been-awhile-day-4-20/
The Quote of The Day
I do believe in an afterlife. I try to be at one with people and try to love life as much as I can.
– Julia Sawalha
Ev believed that we relived life over and over….she told me we had lived together in the past…that her life ended early due to an injury in her back…..SHE ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT!…years before she died….does that mean I am doomed to relive this life again and again….that I will lose her over and over….
…..I haven’t cried in so long………..really a long time….and never over any of my most recent issues….I pour right now….
….I will be here again and again….if what she says is true….
….I am doomed to a million days of tears…………………..one billion……………………………..
