In our Obscurity…

What did I get up to today, let’s see.
The washer…I fixed that yesterday…or did I? No, leaked. Tore it apart and fixed it again…leaked.

Third time was a charm, the washer is good to go…and holy smokes I own a lot of towels. Geezus, the towels never end around here. Last load of that is in the dryer.

I had hoped to bag up some stuff in Mel’s kids rooms, she left a lot behind, but I didn’t have time.

Instead, I fixed the washer, went to Charlotte’s hockey game, then to Michaels for pipe cleaners so Charlotte could make flowers. After that…ah…shawarma platter, then….hmmm…..ahhhh…I guess I worked out.

The past few days I have had a lot of old friends touch base with me. I realize that many of us have…moments…that hold us back, hurt us, things we keep to ourselves. We try to live with situations that we don’t deserve. Some of these things are out of our control… an illness, losing a loved one, a disability…the things we can’t control, control us.

I have been trying to bring back my old man blog posts, long deleted. I started reading from my last posts back….those were posts about the first 6 months of my relationship with Mel. We had some really great times, we did big things….she saved me from myself. The man blog may have shown me doing well, I haven’t reread it yet to contemplate the perception…but the truth was I spent those first few years falling deeper and deeper into depression. Drinking way too much. I tried to make an entire world for myself at home so I would never have to leave….and then I met Mel, and she forced me out of the house, made me get healthier.

There was another side…right from the start…Mel had suffered a concussion and was medicated, I’m not sure what she was taking but she wasn’t supposed to drink at all on this medication…but she did. She would get black out drunk….get crazy…insult me terribly…. Back then she would apologize, blame her father. She beat the hell out of me on a few occasions….I was no angel either, still in contact with a couple of girls I had relationships with, and of course, she wasn’t happy about that. There was also Ev…jealous of my dead wife…she made me this person…the person she spent that time with….

At some point, she stopped the medication, and things got better.

After some time I got better also…I stopped caring, so I stopped responding to her arguing and insults. I would still fight, though, trying to get her out of here once every 6 months if she didn’t speak to Charlotte…but she wouldn’t go….and I wouldn’t push hard enough.

Now neither of us cares, and we are both certainly better for it.

I won’t speak to the things people have connected with me on this week directly….but many of us share despair….death….abuse. Many of us have stayed too long, taken too much, lost more than we dreamt was possible.

And here we all are, holding each other up. Thank you.

This now hangs when you walk in my front door. Ev is gone, and I’m not that person anymore, but anyone who comes to my home, and me everytime I walk in the door, should reflect on the good and bad of what Ev and I had, and the loss I learned to fill when she left. She is not coming back…she will never love my face again……………….

Richard DB reached out today! So good to hear from him. Richard, Paul, and I had some good times when we were a bit younger; it really made me think back and smile.

I’ve heard from such positive people recently, and it elevates the positivity I feel for myself…it’s great, really great. My space is really good, and that means the space of the ones I love around me is great!

And now the weather…

The Quote of the Day:

In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. – Carl Sagan

I lifted weights tonight. I did pretty well, started low doing some warmup bench at 80 pounds and worked my way up 20 pounds at a time, 12 reps, all the way to 200. Then incline and a few tricep reps. Probably will regret that for the next couple of days.

I am going to be the best version of myself for the rest of my life. After I lifted, I hit the sauna, terribly unused for many years. That was so relaxing.

I can not wait until spring. I figure by June I will be in good shape….for a then 55-year-old. 55 this April, geez.

Tbag is down half a pound…you heard it here, folks…. point five.
Russett says the holidays are not a good time to diet. He is going to demolish as much turkey and vodka redbull as possible before the new year so he can put up some great numbers. I tried to get an update from Seamus….probably trying to break into the grocery store. I checked in with Krista…hoping she is trying to drop a few pounds…her facebook looks a bit slim though.

Anyone want to be publicly humiliated in the name of science? On a diet and want everyone to know…touch base!