Tragedy
I will open up with an apology…to the manbloggers…I’ve been really busy. Juggling so many things and myself….I could have found the time to finish any and all of my attempts but I have things on my plate and I’ve promised myself to make time for me.
Summer is short, I have a beauty backyard, and I need to enjoy it as much as I can….let’s call it mental health…its simply a pleasure. I am also trying to put together quotes. I have a dozen kitchen designs on the go, and some of these things could be life-changing. I also have an AC Cobra in the garage, sometime this morning a new transmission setup will arrive, some other performance parts it requires to be closer to perfect…and I need to make time to get that done to enjoy the car.
I will get back to some of this below….
Long Live Living if Living Can Be This. ~The Cat Empire —> Not the quote of the day
What is a constant reminder in my life?
Life is for the living. It’s for Living.
I was sent this quote last night, a quote on a placemat that seemed a fit to send my way.
Actually a paraphrase of a famous quote by Norman Cousins, “The Real Tragedy is not physical death, but the death of genuine feeling, curiosity, and inspired response that we allow to wither away while we are still living.”
The tragedy of my life…was losing Ev? Was it not being able to feel…not being permitted to have feelings? Not being permitted to write the manblog anymore?
Was losing Ev the greatest loss of my life thus far…I think so.
I think I may have lost my childhood, but I remind myself it was the only childhood I knew…and then I consider the life that others had to live…and I think what I’ve lost can’t matter…not even losing Ev.
I’ve talked about this here before….we live our life, and we suffer our loss…and my losing Ev might equate to someone losing a cat. My emotional response to that could be the same as someone else stepping on a bug.
I have wallowed in that….and I have let it go…
So if I sit here and objectively consider what I believe are the worst things I have ever experienced, I consider what others have lost, and what their experience was in their moments.
This is the only life I know. I am trying to live it the best I can…Sometimes I fail, and accepting that failure is the worst thing I can do….so I try to move forward…with positivity and kindness.
…some of you may think that is laughable…but you don’t know me yet…or maybe…not enough.
Can I be a nut…oh my goodness….I can be terrible….I can lose my shit like the worst of them….but I take care of the poeple in my life.
Therapy!
What have we worked on….Anger….more than a few sessions on this topic…and Anxiety…which leads to Anger.
Sadly, a trained reaction…living in Chaos for so long, you learn a response that creates an escape…a way out…and for me, the response that has often worked was Anger.
My last therapy session, which was a deep dive into anger, was the most healing of the bunch…the anxiety medication helped…it just slows things down a step, which gives me time to reflect on choices. The last time we were away on vacation, I had a chance to test the choice paths with great success… and these positive reinforcements are a big deal.
Sadly, I do still find myself reacting a bit off-center to the fear that someone I care about is injured. I’m working on it…
I’m learning…..
For now, I continue to try to live my best life. Happy and Healthy….other than the arm…which is killing me.
Once this most recent kitchen is finished, I’m taking a few weeks off to enjoy summer and heal.
I spent the afternoon and evening in the backyard. Sunbathing, swimming, reading, eating dinner, and watching netfix. It was a perfect day.
In a day or 2 more, I will take summer vacation…2 or 3 weeks, maybe a month off. Sure, I will have a few meetings and put together some proposals, but a good break for the arm. I think a week off will fix me up 100%.
……and a day or 2 more has arrived….I am on vacation for the next month, more or less. I have to work on some big proposals. I have the opportunity to supply the kitchens for a 400-unit apartment building…it would be life-changing. It’s a stretch at the moment, but the opportunity is there, and I am going for it.
I’ve been pretty busy trying to get that together. My arm is starting to feel better.
Last night I injected myself with this:
…having a conversation with a friend about work travel and taking your spouse. Reminded me that the last 2 work trips Mel took, I stayed home, I preferred the time without her….something I never thought about until just that moment. I was thinking today about her saying she had hoped I would die…that didn’t work out. Now I’m glad she said it, for 2 reasons: One, it gave me closure, 2 it made me promise to myself that I would outlive her….and here I am taking care of myself….
Anyway…conversations with people make you think about these moments in your life….unlike the memories I have of Ev, these bring back no emotion, zilch.
>>>>Monday July 13th update…making breakfast this morning, I did find myself missing Mel…and here I am admitting this publicly…as I stir scrambled eggs, I think about that….what am I missing? I miss a life where 2 people are trying to build something together. Did we have that? I think at some points during our relationship she did…in the end she did not. I think I did right up until the day I packed up her stuff…right up until that moment I thought we would be together and build a life…hell…the week prior to me getting her out I was planning to give her $200k to pay off all her debts….Luckily, I had a look at her cards before placing that bet. I guess I hoped if I gave her the money she would have less stress and she might be nicer to Charlotte and me.
Now I am not building a life together with anyone…even if I have someone in my life….it won’t be together…we will be building separate lives at the same time……….. This is a big part of the reason I’m trying to get bigger things going in my life, I am playing catchup after helping Mel build her career….
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and back to the injections, these week-long manblog posts are the worst.
ok….too much on the go…tomorrow…
and we are all the way back to this moment, July 13th. The blue injection happened again last night and Mots-c this morning. I feel good and hope that it helps build my arm back up….One sec….going to do a quick light bench press….
ok…so I can bench….but now I feel a bite in my elbow…the front deep…but right in the front of the elbow…its burning…
Frig….I’m pretty sure I damaged this getting setup for a shoulder press of 80 pound dumbbells. The thing is, I can easily shoulder press 4 sets of 80 pound dumbbells, but getting them off my lap and onto my shoulders requires all sort of weird movements of my arm…and in doing that, I have damaged something….
Making a physio appointment now…..
damnit…the 24th….my lord….
Anyway….sometime before noon, I have 10k worth of auto parts arriving which must be installed on the Cobra in the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow I have to present a proposal to do 400 kitchens…which might become 800….Still trying to put that together.
I still have a couple of university courses on my plate, a 16-year-old at the gym 4 days a week, on the ice 3 days a week…meals, laundry, housecleaning….and work! I am more or less taking the next month off work…enjoying summer and working on my to do list.
I was going to post the weather, but I’m not…sorry. I am going to take a break from it.
I am still going to post updates….but for the next few weeks I have to focus on myself…I will let you know how everyone is doing if major events happen….
Suds is a first-place dragonboater….
Pumper is in the 180s
Russett and Jeremy are still alive…Russett marginaly, J is weaving baskets…
Krista does not have a measuring tape!
Tbag wants to quit, but is not allowed
YJ is paddling all over Ontario
I will get back to this…August 1st. See who is still interested in sharing….
The Quote of The Day
You showed me what living was again. I had forgotten. ~Christie Owens Cunningham
I am trying to figure out how to live again….I have had to do this a few times…….When Ev died, the color left my life, and I slowly retreated from everything…I didn’t want to feel at all…I did try to find something…sometimes at the bottom of a bottle…which will take the color out of any chance of having a good moment…and sometimes in a bag of mushrooms…and having gone just about as far as a person can go there, you will never get to the other side….you may think you are right there…it is right there…..there…..it isn’t….you will realize the only way to get there is to not be here….and it WON’T be there then…you will not be able to stop that mistake….
Mel showed me what living was again… she forced me to live…to leave the comfort of the small space I had created for myself….and then ever so slowly she created a new space…I tried to make it as nice as possible….she tried to make the walls cold and sharp…will insults and pain……I did try to fix that…but it was impossible.
Then I decided I would show myself what living was again.
I am trying to learn that every day. With happiness….and often reminded…I have to offer myself grace….
Which I will do….
I still can’t lift, and I won’t see physio for 2 more weeks….that makes me feel down, depressed…I have lost that part of my happiness for now….
I will continue to keep my head high and push forward….and I hope all my friends are doing the same.
Always available for a chat if any of you have something you need to say….or have to offer….
Be well!
Oh wait….I see some notes down here….The more at peace you become the less you tolerate chaos. Choosing silence over proving my point….and the last year wasn’t the worst, the first 3 years were…
yep….notes…..
The first of many Purolator trucks has stopped by……
