What do I want the next 55 days to look like?
argh…ok…
In a perfect world I can get my food addiction under control. Food is my weakness…probably better for me if I would simply sleep when I was tired, but I don’t. I eat.
For me the feeling of being full makes me think I’m starving….yep….lol…if it weren’t for an excellent metabolism I would be 400 pounds. Getting to 260 pounds for me isn’t easy….its chips, ice cream, chocolate bars…every single day. And whiskey and beer…I really have to put in the work to get fat…I mean fat fat…not the scale says I’m obese fat.
And I sit here thinking….I go on about being obese, and I am…sort of. I will get back to that in a second.
Years ago when I met Mel and was eating 3 or 4 DQ ice cream sandwiches a day I stated “I don’t care anymore.” It’s an odd thing, I was probably 240 or 250 at the time and I didn’t worry about being fat…I don’t even think I saw it.
I wore one of my CHILL shirts from that era this past week, doing a job on Parkdale….I put the shirt on and thought this thing is tight across the shoulders…I went to check myself out in the mirror and sure enough, skin tight across the shoulders, my chest and back fill the t-shirt 110%.
People comment about my shirts occasionally…I couldn’t find one that fit? This shirt is an XL! 9 years ago while I was putting back ice cream sandwiches I would have put the shirt on and then stretch it out around my belly with my hands to make it comfortable….
….that same shirt is now tight up top but has enough material for 2 of me around the belly….
I look ok in a shirt these days….just enough to hide my faults….mainly body dysmorphia…which again I will circle back to, first some fun!
Charlotte and I saw Mel at the grocery store on Saturday after her hockey game….the first place Ottawa Senators U22 win another one…I spoke to her, asked her if she wanted her Grandfathers cabinet….she said what…lol…she was a deer in the headlights, which I get…anyway…we parted ways, and as I walked in to continue my groceries I thought it was nice….I didn’t want to chase her to the parking lot and talk to her….she had become a stranger to me.
You know what the best part of it was? I looked like I just left a photo shoot for the cover of Men’s Health, and she looked like she just left an AA meeting….which I hope was the case.
I always liked Mel with a bit of extra weight, she liked to stay super lean but I always thought she looked a bit better with a bit of meat on her….which she has now….but….it did nothing for me. I could tell she has been stressed out, she looked tired, her hair is dry….she used to take such good care of it…maybe too much bleach…blond blindness! Funny how these things that come up in conversation are a hint of what it to come.
Charlotte was laughing at how frazzled she looked and we talked about Mel and the kids on the way home, she told me things about the day I kicked Mel out that we had never spoken about. She said she woke up to Mel yelling…which would be pretty normal…she was calling me an asshole. Charlotte stayed in the basement a while to let it cool off, and when she eventually came up she said Aaliyah was there….just apologizing to her again and again…over and over….Aaliyah had told her mother to stop with the insults earlier that morning…as Mel rhymed off all the usual stuff I was so used to hearing I had become deaf to…you can only insult a person for so long.
We talked about the kids…I felt terrible for them…I feel badly for Aaliyah because her parents offer very little positive feedback, and when they do it is wrapped in negativity….great game, but…..they are never happy with her performance. After her games I would always tell her I thought she played great. I told her I was proud of her. Aaliyah and I spoke daily after school most of the time….I think in the last few months that stopped as she was likely seeing her mom, or hearing her mom…be negative about me outside of the house…which solidified what she was hearing in the house….Aaliyah was always paying attention.
Little Avery…. 🙁 ….such a good little kid but she needs so much help and positive support. I miss her a lot and I feel sorry that I can’t be there to help her keep going….
I hope there have been positive changes in their lives.
Anyway…I still have this frigin cabinet her grandfather made that she never let me forget the entire time we were together…just how much it meant to her….my god….and a wine cabinet her brother made….
I have been storing this stuff for 10 months.
I had it on the main floor for her movers to take….
This week…I’m either going to drop them in her driveway while she is at work or put them at the side of the road, I’m tired of looking at them.
While we are discussing this person…a month or so ago she had a package delivered to my house….a package…not the mail of hers I get all the time…hey…you owe the doctor at the independent strip mall for a missed appointment, stop in there and pay it so the hate mail ends! Anyway…a package arrives on Wednesday and I am off to the GTA with Charlotte for hockey on Thursday. I get a doorbell notification and Mel has sent some east indian guy over to pick up the package. I tell him over the doorbell that I am not home until Monday, come back then….Next day….Friday…buddy rings the doorbell and I tell him I’m away for the weekend….he tells me a package was delivered by mistake and he is supposed to pick it up. The guy and I spoke, I said ya, Mel had it delivered to the wrong address….I’m away until Monday and he could come back then and pick it up…
….like you know….I was using English….
Saturday….middle of Charlotte’s game…the guy rings the doorbell…I didn’t bother answering but the guy speaks…he is mad now…he wants the “fing package”
Sunday….middle of Charlotte’s game…the guy rings the doorbell….I left the rink and answered…I said, ” Hey, I told you I wouldn’t be back until Monday, why do you keep coming every day?” Now Igmar is mad…he says “Quit wasting my time and give me the package” I tell the guy to f off, I threw the package out….he tells me I can’t do that….and I tell him to take a hike and hang up. He rings the bell again and leaves me a message to f off…sure fine….
At least I didn’t have to see the guy again.
I have the frigin package…it will either be inside the cabinet in her driveway or at the end of mine on garbage day this week.
My lord….I’m busy grinding here….it’s time to grow up…put down the white wine….and stop sending your packages and mail to my house.
Long man blog….
Body dysmorphia…Slab and I have it in spades!
Why is that…I do not know, but it’s probably why she is in such good shape….I’m chubby. Luckily I have a scale that reminds me daily of my obesity. 225 pounds. Right now I’m wearing a size 36 pant….if I take off the belt they will drop to the floor with the button done up…getting ready for work, it 6:30 am…I have already been up for hours and since starting this blog this morning have driven to Home Depot and hand washed the dishes.
Who knew that hand washing dishes was so relaxing…I haven’t used my dishwasher in months it seems….
and Now….the Weather….
Fletcher moves into the house this week….what does that mean to Wednesday Night Poker at Russetts is yet to be seen…I am hoping it continues.
Russett is eating his chicken breast and rice right now, getting ready to head to the beach….starving himself on an alternative plane of existence….I hope I am thinner than him there! In that Universe I ate a dozen egg roll halves last Wednesday and won $500 at poker. I posted a picture of Russett…Florida Tracksuit in one hand…donut in the other.
Something like this….
Suds….is getting her gallbladder removed…..and I just checked….its a side effect of wegovy….
Ok…so she is bound to lose a bit of weight from that…sadly I just asked chat and that thing weighs less than a pound….that isn’t the weight loss miracle anybody is here for.
Well after the GB is out she will have to limit her fat intake….that should mean something…right?
Will get an update on her weight and plans for the winter.
Pumper was on the road again this week….the prairies I think…No…Prince Albert…she was 188 at last check in.
YoggaJ plagued with injuries? All that lifting can have a cost….Down to 145 for a loss of like 20 pounds….she needs a new wardrobe.
TBag up….read above….
Krista….Day 1? Am I going to Kenny U Pull to get the rear end for your Rogue? If yes lets do this before the ground has a foot of snow on it…….winter plan kiddo! Lets do this.
Slab….is unhappy with her muscles…she is in the gym daily trying to create something that already exists….I don’t know anyone with a more dysmorphic view of themselves….not me…not even close
Jeremy and I have had a few short but informative chats recently…he is on a journey. I think he is always on a journey, we all are, but he is looking a little harder right now. Where he is at, what he is doing, has been through…inspire me to look at myself a bit more. It’s been a bit of a summer…for everyone it seems…Other than Peru….what’s the winter plan here?
Yours Truly has 60 ish days to lose 10 pounds….that should be easy…Let’s see how this goes…
The Quote of the Day
Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach
~unknown
Last December when I finally tossed the garbage bags I was scared…how would I do it?
I did it…and on the way to figuring it out I figured out that I will always figure it out.
If I don’t land on my feel I will pick myself up and keep moving forward.
I realized this week how much I hate doing nothing…I took a couple days off to prep the basement…my god, how did I every spend all that time at home?
I love going out to work every day…and I am ready to do this for the rest of my life.
Months ago Scott told me he would never quit doing renos…and now I get it. It’s fun, it’s rewarding, and it keeps me active and healthy.
I may just do this right until my last day on this earth….other than a month off every summer by the pool and every winter somewhere warm. 🙂
Be well.
