Not my best evening, sad… Charlotte and I had planned to go to hot yoga tonight, but I cancelled at the last minute. Not feeling my best.
I talked to a friend of mine about the event leading up to the feeling, a Mel issue, and she told me to have a beer and chill out.
The thing is….I don’t want to have a beer. I used to drink a beer and a few ounces of whiskey every night. I used to drink many of them, way too many. The past 7 years with Mel, I’ve considered quitting drinking many times. She told me her husband quit drinking while they were together, and I get it, living with an abusive drinker makes you want to drink less, and less, and less. She would take the joy out of drinking…..
Every single time….For 7 years I waited for Mel to get mean, 80% of my nights I went to bed unhappy.
And still I miss her sometimes…If only she would be back here to abuse me once more, offer an insult to me, Ev, or Charlotte…..am I sick? How do I miss that?
It looked so good on the outside….Paul mentioned it at poker last week….how things aren’t as they seem…but I was in it…I couldn’t see outside of it.
When Ev died, I drank. Hard and often. Tonight I will not need a beer to calm my nerves. I’m not quitting drinking, but I am no longer a “drinker.” Tomorrow is Friday. I plan on opening the bottle of wine I skipped on Sunday and enjoying a sip….after I lift. We shall see.
So…am I changing? Yes. Is Testosterone Replacement Therapy making changes?
Here are a few I believe:
1. I’m more alert.
2. I feel the need to eat…protein…I’m hungry for good food.
3. I want to work out, I’m driven to lift.
4. I look forward to stairs at work, being under load.
5. My brain seems to work better, not just alert, I’m clear, I think faster.
Are these changes TRT? Are they the result of not having the stress of Mel in my life? Both?
My friend’s BF has taken his 3rd dose of TRT and feels no changes. He is doing .25 ml twice a week, the same total as I am, but I have split mine into .166 3x a week to stay more balanced. I have read that 3x is better than 2 at keeping your estrogen more in check…that estrogen is important for some things, but I don’t want mine going up.
I am 3 weeks in, I feel good. I wish I had done this when I first talked about it, a year or more ago. The idea has been bouncing around for some time. I knew the positives. I had done prohormones in my 30s and felt the benefit. TRT is like that, but I’m 54 now, so I realize a greater gain, and that is ZERO recovery. I can lift as heavy as I want, and I feel no pain the next day.
The scale is creeeeeeeping down. I did see a 226 this week. I ate pizza twice, chatgpt is tracking my macros, and I am in a constant state of deficit while keeping my protein up. Good old chat advised me to eat the pizza, saying I was way too low a few days. Today included, I’ll have some Greek yogurt before bed to get some extra protein. I am currently running about 2000 calories under and need 70 grams of protein…going to mix a shake right now….one sec. Later some yogurt and a banana.
The thing is…I used to find it impossible to eat like this…well not always, in my 30s there was a period where I really took care of myself, and I ate just like this…and that’s how I feel…like that guy.
That guy hadn’t met Ev. He hadn’t been broken since childhood. He was confident and strong, lean and fast. That is the guy I will be again this summer….for the rest of my life.
I hope to live 20 more healthy years, and I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen.
Oh…my blood pressure is way down! WAY down. I am not sure what the change has been recently, visceral fat loss? But my BP has been dropping the past month and a half.
December 16th I read 156/95. And that was a huge improvement from 168/98 in May. I had seen some reasonable numbers here and there, but now I’m seeing 123/72, 119/70, 126/70. If I keep going, I will have perfect blood pressure very soon. As it stand the chance of me having a heart attack or stroke is so much lower…. minuscule.
Add not drinking, I’m golden. I’m not not drinking, but I’m not drinking….
Ok…all better. Writing the man blog clears my mind. I write this stuff down, not just so that Deonn can call me a bitch ( a learnt reaction from his father, I’m told…or the dude across the street ), but because it removes it from me, like a weight off my chest.
No weather today, this weekend I hope to get updated measurements from everyone, including Russett.
Get those updates to me!
The Quote of The Day
“You will face many defeats in life, but never let yourself be defeated.” – Maya Angelou
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