Displaying all posts tagged with widower

Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Just there…..just at the edge of sight…..

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I find myself searching more and more for Ev…it’s terrible….and I’ve been in a bad way for it…really fighting these days.

Is she there….just on the horizon….just out of sight…..lost….looking for me too…..

No…….

She is somewhere….and I am here…..and our paths will not cross again for some time…..but I still look……..too much………

I have been blessed with plenty of great memories this weekend….facebook has offered up a few…so has a quick trip to Toronto…odd really now that I put it together just this second….

Years ago we took a camping trip to Niagara Falls, Stayed in an Erie camp ground….hotel in Niagara….stopping in Toronto to visit some sites…..some I passed by this weekend….moments I loved with Ev…places that yesterday struck me deeply…places I actually went to visit after Ev passed….spots we laughed and held each other’s hands……moments………

Oddly an anniversary as Facebook offered up pictures from that trip this morning…wonderful photos of our family having so much fun…..

Looking at the date it’s been 19 months since I lost Ev….19 months…..I can’t believe it’s been that long…..

Sadly I’m terrible right now….I don’t know why but I fight tears too often these days….an hour on the treadmill today….driving…the grocery store….talking with friends……it’s almost like the first few months….I can’t even speak about her for a minute without suffering the urge to pour tears…..

….wracking…..

How much longer….19 more months?  19 more years?

The Quote of The Day

A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.  ~What dreams may come

That’s right folks….just a heartbeat in Heaven…..

What about here….hey….how many beats will there be?

My babies and I laugh every day….My friends are fabulous and my neighbors are welcoming…..my life is very very good…better than many, maybe most….

BUT…..it was better….it was perfect before………and now it hurts………..

Babe…..I know you’re there……I miss you too much……

XO

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The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

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Single Father Boogie…..

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Busy week….Dance, Dance, Dance, Experimental farm, swimming…..you know….family stuff….

Let’s start with swimming and my friend sugar bear….

I chuckle, the times SB has mentioned how lucky I am…..was….dozens of times he reminded me of the star I had in my life….as if I didn’t know…..and I brought it up while Charlotte and her friend swam on the weekend…..how he used to tell me I’d never find another……this when Ev was here….when we both thought she would live forever, not knowing she was sick….

My darling mother too….saying lightning doesn’t strike twice…telling my I’m SOL……..maybe…..

It’s something I do have to ponder….every day……every hour……maybe not every minute…maybe not anymore, or maybe not as much….or maybe I’m just used to the seconds passing without her….that morbid weight realized….accepted…..

I see some of the color in life though, looking outside the grass is greener, the little red tree across the road glows under the sunshine…this without any help…..sadly

I also share the joy of Charlotte and her friend playing in the pool….the giggles force any warm blooded human to smile….that my greatest pleasure these days….

I was lucky enough to volunteer to go to the Experimental farm this week, and also had the pleasure of watching Charlotte and 2 of her close friends experience the animals there….a good day….it might have started with Rob Hewitt getting me crying on the front lawn of the school….but hey….fond memories can attract a bit of the old eye water….I can tell you that…..

You see….I was happy.  Not just a happily married guy….no…it was more than that…..I was happy……

I’m happy now.   It’s different….really different….but I am happy.  I guess more than anything I’m not willing to be unhappy…who in their right mind wants to wake up unhappy….I do not make my way around this world miserable….I have my moments, but I release those feelings and have done that for quite some time….

To be really totally honest though….I mean 100%….and this really sucks to type out here……..at this point…..still today….I think if it wasn’t for the kids….I’d just dig my hole beside Ev and get into it………

I’m hurt…..and no matter what I do…..I’m still hurt…………..and I’m tired of being hurt……………and it isn’t going to stop……

Ya, I hate the man blog…..the place I go to write down what I’m thinking………really not the most fun………

Anyway….I’m sorry…..and don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere…..I have a house full of little humans to take care of…..

As luck would have it……the little buggers do make me laugh…..

The Quote of The Day

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle

I really do wish to delete today’s man blog but I’m not going to….a dozen of these posts exists unpublished here and this one deserves to fly….the topic has come up a bit recently and it is an important one.

Just so we all understand…..I’m just expressing my thoughts…they might come in handy for some other widow/widower….some other person suffering…..I’m not going anywhere.  Tomorrow is always a new day….whatever may come….

Babe…..I love your face….Grass between my toes this weekend.

 

XO

 

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sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO

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With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO

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Birthdays….

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I cried at the gym yesterday….a terrible thing.

I don’t want to cry anymore….I rather not cry at the gym.  I’d like to think I can go, do and think whatever I want without crying….but I can’t.  I guess I’m at the gym building muscles to make me stronger while emotionally I’m weak…but I love Ev, and I miss her….and that hurts.

So gym, then a quick drive out to Prescott for a visit.  It isn’t easy to visit Ev when the cemetery is close but if you stick close to the fence you can get right to her….jump a bit of a creek and avoid a soaker…lol…she’d be laughing….

I talk to Ev everyday, I don’t need to go to Prescott to do that, but I like to….and soon I’ll be able to feel the grass under my feet again….and make sure things are good there for her and Charlie….a bit of soil and some seeds……I rather it be at it’s best…..

sadly……

After that a few of us got together at the pub to raise a glass….the ladies came for dinner………when I got home a had a few scotch….not enough to dissolve myself but a few…..

And I did not sleep….giving up at 3am…..that’s a wasted workout and makes for a tough day today…..

There are a lot of days I don’t cry now.  A lot of days I think about tomorrow rather than yesterday’s.  Day’s I can laugh with my babies without dreaming about what Ev is missing………….

It hurts me…..I want to share all these moments with her……they aren’t the same alone…..

And I’m not alone……

……I’m not sure how I feel about that all the time……

The Quote of The Day

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

Pearl S. Buck

Well that’s that…..

It’s been a while since I took this opportunity to thank my friends.  In this way I’m a very lucky man.  I’m surrounded by amazing people that really do nurture each other….Thank you….

Babe…..I love your face…..I hope you had a great birthday……..I miss you…….

XO

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Time is….

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Luckily when I’m really feeling bad…those moments when I find myself in it a bit…I make little notes if I can…reminders.

Wednesday, not this last one but the one before, I was driving on my way to poker.  The drive was via Kanata so I had plenty of time in the truck…

On the way a terrible thing struck me.  Just how badly I wanted to talk to Ev.  I just wanted to pick up the phone and call her…..I want to hear her voice….I want to tell her about my day….I want to tell her how much I love her….now……..still.

You know it isn’t easy….it seems easy I’m sure.  The people that see me every day must think it’s a breeze.  I make it look easy.

Let’s forget about raising 4 young ladies…..that’s not bad, I have that under control….it’s easy….it’s at the top of the list.  That simply means I hand out my hugs, let my babies now they are loved….safe….I attempt to create strong confident young ladies.  Love makes that easy, even on the impossible days….

My life though….that’s not as easy.  Again, I make it look easy, and those close to me think I’ve got it under control…maybe not the ones that are close close….they see the cracks.  For the most part though I seem well put together these days…..

But living isn’t easy.

The new life I’m trying to put together for myself isn’t easy to figure out, to find.  I’m working hard at it…..

But once in a while I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to her…..just 5 minutes….

I know that wouldn’t be easy.  It would be a painful conversation….trying to say so much in just 5 minutes….and the goodbye….I bet you think that would hurt terribly.

But I say that goodbye every day….every hour…..every minute…..

I’m still terribly lost…and god damn it…I’m still terribly hurt.

I try very hard not to cry anymore…I am now…so what….but I do try not to.

The people that are close close know it’s made up….they know I walk a fine line……

I hate it….and I hate the man blog…..

I want you to know….I miss her too much….

The Quote of The Day

I love your face
Victor Wheeler

I have kept myself in constant pain for months now….at the gym most days pushing myself to the point of extinction….that pain takes up a lot of space in my mind and keeps me strong.  I share it every day with Ev and the conversations I have with her when I’m pushing myself past my pain are what gets me there.

As far as the 5 stages of grief go…..who knows….acceptance…..what is that?  No, I’m not sure what that means…..

Babe….I love your face….I miss you…

XO

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I woke up and the color was simply gone…..

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I woke up and the color was simply gone….it had washed away in the blink of an eye…..the single biggest moment in my entire life…..the instant Ev left……

Jesus Christ……how does that make me cry today….after everything I’ve done in the past 15 months…after the life I have…the happy moments I live…..

……………………………………………………to be continued……without a headache….

I cut writing the man blog short yesterday, I went down pretty hard on the hover board, luckily my head cushioned my fall…the old head and neck haven’t quite recovered but I am going to attempt a trip to the gym shortly…

So…where was I……

You know what I spent a lot of my day doing yesterday….listening to the sound of my laugh…..

It’s a strange thing……the need to listen to your own laugh, over and over again…..luckily I have lots of little video clips that capture it…..it’s a sound I love to hear….and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people that bring it out…a life that has plenty of laughs in it.

When I went down on the wake board yesterday I took a moment to just lay there….I took an inventory of my bones….what hurt….what didn’t.  I had that little discussion in my mind, “You idiot”….and Ave stood over me…smiling….we had a good laugh….

It was Ave’s birthday yesterday and the Hover Board her one request.  It made her day, the neighborhood kid’s….and mine.  She had a wonderful day.

Ave is a child that glows when she is happy….she beams uncontrolled happiness….it is a force that makes everyone around her feel joy….

Charisma.  She has it, a gift from her mother……

So here I am this morning, it’s March break so only one of the ladies is awake, little Charlotte sits watching Curious George and eating a toaster strudel….the other ladies will sleep for a while yet.

It isn’t always easy being the single dad to 4 girls, the grocery bill alone frightens the hell out of me, it’s a mortgage payment…..soon the oldest will be dating…..driving….christ….it will be interesting.

For me though, they are the reason….they are the purpose.  To watch them grow, become great women….that’s what really matters….and those things are the moments I’ve enjoyed most this past year….these things I’ve been able to enjoy without regret….

And that kids is the point of all this rambling….

You see…I’ve enjoyed many things this past year…..but so many come with regrets…..

And you know what….they simply shouldn’t……I should be able to live my life without these regrets….

But right now….that is not the case.

The Quote Of The Day

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey

I’ve lost the ability to live in the moment….for the most part….

My mind always returns to Ev……and even the happiest memories are bound to make you sad…..How long I will live like this I don’t know…..I wish I didn’t have to…..I don’t like it….

It’s easy too….to keep moving forward.  I’ve been pushing along in all sorts of ways since the beginning….many of them were bad, but I’ve figured out the best path for me right now and I’m staying on it…..

I am trying….it is not always easy….a tug of war, a roller coaster, the flow of tides….all the cliches apply….

I am trying….

Babe….I miss you………I really miss you……………..

wracking……so what…..

XO

 

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The Ups and Downs at the man blog….

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Okay….maybe I poured more tears on Friday than I have in a while…it was a tough day.

It’s an odd thing….the Prescott area simply has that effect on me….Brockville too….the 416/417 corridor around it….

Why is that….well….that is where I met her….and that is where I have so many amazing memories with her…..Ev is in those places and so much of my heart is also….

And I wrack this soon this morning….because I sit here and think about all those moments….the moments I Love which now seem so painful……

first kiss

You see that tiny dot…..that is where we first kissed….it was a wonderful moment in my life…..and it’s a spot that I’ve passed by often….I spot I used to pass by with Ev….and sometimes I’d pull in….we would get out of the truck….and we would relive the moment…..

I loved her too much………

Since Ev passed I haven’t been back to that spot…I haven’t been in the Brockville Barley Mow, it used to be a Mexican restaurant….I’ve never eaten there, Ev and I only shared a pitcher of Sangria….we never managed to order even though we sat there for 5 hours….until they kicked us out to kiss in the parking lot………..

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this….thinking about the past and pouring tears.

The thing is, I’ve been trying to move forward for a long time.  It’s hard to do…it leaves me reeling…..I spiral…..

Sharing moments with new people is very hard for me….to feel comfortable with someone else….it doesn’t always hold up.  I do try and right now I’m giving it a really good go….

I’ve tried a lot of things this year, some have seemed like excellent avenues of escape…things that seemed to help me find solid ground but in the end added to the whirlwind….I have spiraled this past year, usually just slowly spinning, grasping at what needed to be focused upon at the time and then whipping along…forgotten moments.

I’ve also made the attempt to dig in my heels several times….really get some traction, but I’ve failed….a few times I’ve simply found myself dug in….ending in quicksand and turning to whatever rope could get me back….not to hard ground but up…spirally at the edge of control…..

On the bright side those ropes at Home Depot didn’t ever seem enough….no….I would punish myself in other ways….

These days it’s the gym….I have escaped under the weight I choose……..next up….I will attempt to lean out….we will see just how focused I can be….this line is thinner….

I did discuss this with Donald on Friday night, he told me I was getting too big, and when I explained to him that the gym fulfills a void in my life he exclaimed that he knew that….like I was working out like a crack addict hiding some pain….which is true.  I use the gym as a drug….it makes me feel great…mentally and physically….

And as I sit on the bench with a 120 pound dumbbell in each hand….taking a few breaths before I lay down with 240 pounds on my chest and start pushing…..I look at myself in the mirror and say to Ev…..let’s do this…..

I wrack saying that….thinking about the conversations I have with her every day…..my imagined responses…..

I try to guide my life with her these days….I attempt to manage my life as if she was here…..

That makes me so sad to think about…to type….wracking…..

You see….I don’t want to be this person….I don’t want to have to share these feelings….I don’t want to feel them!!!!   I wish I didn’t have to….I do not want to………..

The Quote of The Day

You can punch a wall or write a song. Just as painful either way, but you have something to show for it at the end of the day with a song. Trent Reznor

I don’t have to do this…sit here and write the man blog….

I could endure my grief silently hiding behind a smile….having a beer at the pub with my friends, no one the wiser….

I could share 100 kisses with someone I enjoy and they would never know what goes on behind my closed eyes…..

I could sit here alone pouring tears and not type….

Babe….I miss you too much….I love your face.

The Weigh In

246 pounds today, only 7 pounds less than the most I’ve ever weighed….time to lean out……..

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The season will change….

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Looking at the long range forecast for Ottawa…it’s over.  Winter has come to an end…..as it does…..

How am I feeling?  I’m not sure….I find myself in new places all the time.  Good things are around me all the time, unknown things or those forgotten….from long ago.

I hate this man blog….I sit here and tell the type of things no one has to tell….in the end you become my therapist….sitting there listening to my chatter….my confessions….

Let me start with this, so far this morning I have not cried.  The last day I cried was the last day I sat here and click clacked these very same keys writing this same man blog…..so it goes….

I have fought tears a few times, digging up stories….spilling the beans on how I feel, who I am, or what I think…..

This weekend I will be driving passed Ev a few times….I’ll bring my boots so that I can trudge through the snow…..I will stop to tell her I love her even though I tell her 100 times every day……

Now I will wrack……I’m sorry……

You know, doing this isn’t easy….some of the people in my life see me and think it is…they look at me and…I guess they figure I make easy work of it….”If I can do it”….anybody can…..

Ya….I can do it….I wish I couldn’t.  I wish I didn’t have to learn these lessons…..I’ve learned enough lessons………..

Where did I begin today…..oh ya….new experiences, long forgotten…..here we go……

I’m trying….I wish they days were easier……

The Quote of The Day

Let your mind go….and your body will follow…
Steve Martin (LA Story)

My favorite movie….a quirky love story……this has been my favorite since my early 20’s….when I was a simply ruffian….not much has changed…..

I do try to let my mind go…..it has been a mantra of mine for so long……..

For everything that is said…..for all the good and bad things I speak of here…..so much more goes on…………..

So the man blog continues….we need a weigh in challenge to bring a few more laughs to the show….You should see Parker, at the gym every day for weeks now!

Babe….I love your face….I miss you terribly……

XO

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Sunny Days….

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A week away with the ladies in the Dominican Republic…

Surrounded by a great group of people….we all had fun.

This trip was a lot like the last.  I had plans of late nights and long daytime naps….I told the ladies before we left that I’d prefer if they could spend a bit more time with Charlotte this year so that I might have more grown up time….but…all but the first night I ended up in bed with Charlotte, there just might be something going on in Frozen, the Princess and the Frog, maybe even the book of life…some tid bit I missed the first 100 times I’ve seen these movies…

I could have stayed out….I chose not to.

Most of my days I spent at the pool or water slides with Charlotte while the big girls did their thing…at the beach with the rest of the group or playing volleyball with the Parker kids.  I spent days with the parents of the little girls that Charlotte would play with, and a few rum and cokes….

There was a lot of happiness for all of us, a wonderful trip with great people ensures that.

I did attempt a man blog while I was away, one evening before dinner on the porch….alone.  It wasn’t going to be a mournful ramble….I was simply trying to share a bit of our joy.  Had the internet been better I would have too….but now you’ll have to get it from home as big fluffy snow flakes tumble down…..

I did not cry at all during my week away.  Moments of sadness, sure….but those were just memories.  Here they are….

ev and charlotte

evelyn kindervater wheeler

Ev love

Evelyn goes golfing

Evelyn KIndervater-Wheeler and Charlotte Wheeler making funny faces

Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler at the cottage

I have a million memories…..I love them so much that it kills me to look at them….to know that this person can not be pictured in my memories ever again.

I wrack…..so what……

I make new memories…..

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A million memories are yet to happen for me and my babies…..I intend to make as many of them happy as I possibly can.

The Quote of The Day

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

I wish life had never offered me this….I hate it….it does offer something worth searching for.  Life….

I know what matters and I surround myself in it, I’m immersed.  I also try to teach my babies that love is a very important part of life….and not just from a spouse or significant ‘other’.  The love of your friends and family are important too.

My children and I are lucky to be surrounded by people that love us…and we are lucky enough to have people we love.

Babe….I love your face….your babies are happy….xo

XO

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