Displaying all posts tagged with widower blog

Belly Buttons….

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I cried today…chatting with a widow about a discussion I had the night before….Charlotte’s belly button came up and she gave me a face….just a glimpse of agony….

Charlotte used to play with her belly button a lot….not any more.

She did from a young age and she used to let Ev touch it too, seldom would she let me….Her and Ev would have talks about Belly Buttons, a tiny bit of mommy they would laugh and smile and always before bed Charlotte would play with her belly button and fall asleep….

After Ev passed Charlotte told me straight up….when she plays with her belly button it grows a little bit…..the mommy bit could grow…….

Ya….I’m crying again now…..my baby trying to grow her mom with her belly button…….

In the evolution of my life and grief I find myself a bit angrier these days….I suppose it could just be that my life is out of balance and that leads to a bit of lightning….something I really haven’t had in 10 years.  It’s something I used to control before Ev and I had forgotten about…..but occasionally I just feel a jolt…it’s something I’m working on….again….

My friends will have to show me some patience…..I hope.

Over the past 2 years a few people have told me I should make a book out of this blog….I don’t see it myself, but I might….I’ve compiled the entire thing and I’m going to give it a read from the beginning….

I’m not sure there is a book here….I see 600 days worth of removing some of my grief and pasting it here….I know it can help other people….the grievers for sure……anyway….I told the person that if I made the decision to make a book it might change the man blog…….we shall see….

There is one other thing….the posts that I don’t publish….some finished, others too hard too dark, some would continue for days……..I’ll have to reread those posts.

The Quote of The Day

Every ending is a new beginning
Your lucky # is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

As this planet we live on turns round and round I occasionally go on vacation.  During these trips there are always moments of solitude and I enjoy a good book at these times.  While passing through the grocery store a book caught my eye…American Gods, and it was the read on this latest trip.

A good book….turn a few pages….the wife dies.

Maybe I should read more female authors….or maybe I should start writing fiction…..

Babe….funny….I love your face….the babies are doing great!

XO

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Utopia….

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A wonderful word….utopia….u t o p i a…..

say it….it’s nice….

Utopia….A utopia (pronounced you-TOE-pee-yuh) is a paradise….

I’ve just returned from a week in Spain, those of you that are on facebook have seen 100 photos….a wonderful time for sure….

Amazing vistas…..fabulous moments with amazing friends…..a great vacation…..

Vacation….A vacation [vey-key-shuh n, vuh-] freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

It was nice to get away….I missed the kids but it is nice to get a break….it’s simply not easy to care for 4 little girls….it’s fun don’t get me wrong….we laugh….we live a wonderful life…….but it does come with a bit of stress……

One thing I do enjoy about Spain….and lots of other places………the feeling that Ev isn’t there….places where I don’t have memories shared with her….somewhere…..new places.  Spain is a new place and there is less……..pain there…..less torment…..

Torment….(tawr-ment) to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain.

There is less torment in some places…..

It’s not without some…..consternation….I’ll skip the pronunciation and definition and lay it out…..

I find myself on a terrace overlooking the perfect whitewash Spanish town.  behind me the Mediterranean, as blue as the sky other than the whitecaps of rolling waves…..ahead the Sierra Nevada mountain range begins, still to early too show the white caps of snow that will arrive even here at the edge of a desert…..and there….way up……

The thing about huge mountains, they seem so close….a short walk, 30 minutes and you could find yourself at their base….but in reality you will get in your car and drive an hour….maybe 2….before you reach them.  The majesty of these enormous stone entities…..once you’re close enough to realize the grass you saw at home are really trees, tall enough to touch the sky…..

At the summit……..Ev…..she could be there…..waiting…..her arms open welcoming my arrival…..and when I reach the peak where will she be….at the next horizon…..patiently waiting…..

Sanity……….I’m not sure how to define this…..

Do I consider walking off into the mountains…..to forever reach lonely summits……yes……of course I do…….although I know there would be so much pain within that existence it seems to be forever hopeful…..

You see……I’m still not there…..I still expect that sooner or later she will come home, and without looking at the posts leading up to or following last years trip to Spain I already know that I likely in a better place….I’d like to say I’m not in a better place mentally but that’s not the case….

I’m in a different better place…..but it still isn’t great….I find that I’m losing my grasp more and more now….I’m exploring being a normal person……and the hurricane that is…..I’m out of control……I have been for some time….

I’m going to work to sort that out……soon…..

The Quote of the Day

Your Lucky number is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

The universe provides me with a novel every time I go on vacation….this time…American Gods.  A great book…

Chapter one…..your wife is dead.

Every time…..every single time………..

There is more to heaven and earth…..our religions and spiritual beliefs do not begin to explain it…..or there is nothing….I’m hoping it’s something so big….it will make this seem like nothing at all…….

Babe…..I would climb any mountain…….I do that for you every day……I love your face.

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The Mirror….

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This is not the first Man Blog I’ve written since the last you’ve read, wordpress has a few bugs and it cost me a post last weekend before Charlotte’s hockey.  I thought I’d pour a bit so that I was on top of it at the rink….it worked, and I didn’t have to share……

Today I don’t have to write the man blog, I feel fine……things are as good as they get at this point in my life….and that’s pretty good.

I miss Ev terribly.  I think about her more than I should I guess…..way too much probably….

I haven’t had too many serious breakdowns….tears in the Movati parking lot talking with a friend, sure.  It’s simple though….I love that woman and I miss her….I miss her loving me….something I was thinking about before I managed to open up this post even though I had planned to write it this morning…..how much I miss Ev loving me…..

It’s not like I don’t have lots of love in my life…I’m well loved.  I have 4 daughters!  But I do miss Ev’s love….it was something I really loved…..

Hockey this weekend was a success, Charlotte enjoyed it.  I guess I’m a hockey Dad now, Ev would be very proud of how well Charlotte is doing….she glows with happiness.

Ave is trying out for all the high school sports just as I hoped she would and doing great at it.  Her grades are also really good so far….I think she is going to do amazing things….I’m so proud that she is following in her mother’s footsteps….I see so much of Ev in her.  I hope she does too, I do try to remind her……..

memories….geez…We golfed Kanata Lakes on Monday, Monique, the bar cart woman, and I were talking and she told me her mother passed when she was 3…..zero memories…..and on the way to hockey we passed Ev’s old Merc….Charlotte didn’t remember it at all…..I sold it 15 months ago and it’s already been erased from her memories……..I told her we would watch some videos of Mommy….the few we have….

Oh my God that makes me sad…..I wish she could know her mother….her power…….which is exactly what I told Monique…..she misses out on meeting a real life superhero………..

throat hurting…….

7am….just woke up the kids….I better make some lunches.

The Quote of The Day

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine

I’m not so sure…………

When I was younger I used to stare at myself in the mirror….an animal staring back.  Trying to figure out what was inside of me……

Now I look in the mirror searching for Ev…….I no longer talk to myself when I look into the mirror…..my words are for Ev.

Babe…..I love your face.

 

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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Shorter Days….

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This was a time of year that Ev loved….still hot most days, cool at night…and the prospect of the kids heading back to school…time spent quietly relaxing.

I like it too.  Soon the trees will change color and I’ll take a drive out to the hills and find a nice place to chill out for a bit and look around…….

I’ve had a monstrous August.  Closed the shop.  Went through so many memories while I worked on the basement, some were fabulous and made me smile.  Others…terrible….a brand new picnic basket that Ev purchased because Charlotte wanted to have one with her….it sits unused.  I almost threw it out…the day I decide to use it won’t be easy but I think I’ll attempt to have that picnic with Charlotte soon….

We had a street party last night and it was a ton of fun!  The kids had a fun filled day and the grown ups didn’t skip a beat.  I did manage to sneak away with Charlotte, we cuddled up in bed and fell asleep.

Not long into the night Charlotte awoke calling for mom….something that still happens quite a bit although I’m sure her memories are fading….hopefully she will continue to dream of Ev all her life….I do not….I still don’t dream much anymore, I probably don’t sleep much either.

I’m trying to reconcile my grief…attempting to go at it from new angles…we shall see…..

The Quote of The Day

The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself.
Douglas Coupland

You see….I must take the time to figure it out….it’s a painful process….and it’s lonely.

All it is you see….a big show….

I still can’t be myself….if I attempt to open up and talk about how I’m feeling….anywhere…the gym, sipping a scotch with my neighbors….driving to the grocery store with the kids……….if I allow myself to act and be how I really am…..I cry…..

I’m hurt…..I’m broken…..and I’m weak…..

The only place I really act the way I feel is right here as I write the man blog…..either wracking or fighting tears until my throat hurts……

Then I’ll leave the house and pretend to be a strong man….big….confident…..happy….

It’s just bullshit……

Babe…..I love your face.

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Longer….

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I’m going to play poker tonight, over to Russett’s to hang out with the boys…games of chance you could hardly call it poker…a few beers…some laughs.

This is something I’ve been doing for so long….poker get together’s existed long before Ev, but Sugar Bear became the host and the only place I find myself playing after she came into my life…..Wednesdays….some very late Wednesdays…

There were times she would be mad….too drunk to drive home…not willing to stay in the basement at poker….I’d try to sneak out, SB would say I was quiet like an elephant as I bounced off the walls and fell out the door….it would take me 2 or 3 times the norm to get home….practically crawling to get back to her………..a weight off her chest too, forgiving me for being so late when she saw me the next day….laughing at my condition….seldom mad….maybe when poker fell the night before a family get together….ya….then I’d be in some trouble…..

I spent the day working on the basement, working at setting up a better home for these kids as they get bigger…for me too….

Syd had gone through a box of memories Ev had stored which forced me to trudge across quite a few things to ensure no memory was lost….and I thought at some day I’ll sit and look at it all…see things I’ve never seen….see Ev in photos I haven’t been lucky enough to view yet….

I saw a few today….in every one I thought about how beautiful she was….I was actually quite happy to see images of her from before we met…..

Her smile…..her eyes glowing….little Syd or Ave in her arms….even Em…..little Em…..

It will be some time before I’m….good….again….it will take longer….for sure….

I won’t be crying during this man blog….I will suffer the pain of holding my tears….my throat aches forcing down my emotions right now……

It makes me look inside myself….it changes my grief to anger……it makes me…..quieter….introspective….

Not in sadness…..I don’t know….I’m punishing myself by not letting go…..

The Quote of The Day

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
~Ellie Goulding

Let’s get this straight….I know I’m not right….I get that I’m a bit off….

I work hard at making everything good…really good…for my children, for my friends….for the people I meet every day.  If it wasn’t for the man blog you’d have to get really close to me to realize something wasn’t right…..

Ev wasn’t going to pick a weak man….she knew I’d make this work. I’ll miss her longer….and I’m fine with that.

Babe….I’m scratching things off the to do list…..I love you….

XO

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Longer….

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I’m going to play poker tonight, over to Russett’s to hang out with the boys…games of chance you could hardly call it poker…a few beers…some laughs.

This is something I’ve been doing for so long….poker get together’s existed long before Ev, but Sugar Bear became the host and the only place I find myself playing after she came into my life…..Wednesdays….some very late Wednesdays…

There were times she would be mad….too drunk to drive home…not willing to stay in the basement at poker….I’d try to sneak out, SB would say I was quiet like an elephant as I bounced off the walls and fell out the door….it would take me 2 or 3 times the norm to get home….practically crawling to get back to her………..a weight off her chest too, forgiving me for being so late when she saw me the next day….laughing at my condition….seldom mad….maybe when poker fell the night before a family get together….ya….then I’d be in some trouble…..

I spent the day working on the basement, working at setting up a better home for these kids as they get bigger…for me too….

Syd had gone through a box of memories Ev had stored which forced me to trudge across quite a few things to ensure no memory was lost….and I thought at some day I’ll sit and look at it all…see things I’ve never seen….see Ev in photos I haven’t been lucky enough to view yet….

I saw a few today….in every one I thought about how beautiful she was….I was actually quite happy to see images of her from before we met…..

Her smile…..her eyes glowing….little Syd or Ave in her arms….even Em…..little Em…..

It will be some time before I’m….good….again….it will take longer….for sure….

I won’t be crying during this man blog….I will suffer the pain of holding my tears….my throat aches forcing down my emotions right now……

It makes me look inside myself….it changes my grief to anger……it makes me…..quieter….introspective….

Not in sadness…..I don’t know….I’m punishing myself by not letting go…..

The Quote of The Day

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
~Ellie Goulding

Let’s get this straight….I know I’m not right….I get that I’m a bit off….

I work hard at making everything good…really good…for my children, for my friends….for the people I meet every day.  If it wasn’t for the man blog you’d have to get really close to me to realize something wasn’t right…..

Ev wasn’t going to pick a weak man….she knew I’d make this work. I’ll miss her longer….and I’m fine with that.

Babe….I’m scratching things off the to do list…..I love you….

XO

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Just there…..just at the edge of sight…..

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I find myself searching more and more for Ev…it’s terrible….and I’ve been in a bad way for it…really fighting these days.

Is she there….just on the horizon….just out of sight…..lost….looking for me too…..

No…….

She is somewhere….and I am here…..and our paths will not cross again for some time…..but I still look……..too much………

I have been blessed with plenty of great memories this weekend….facebook has offered up a few…so has a quick trip to Toronto…odd really now that I put it together just this second….

Years ago we took a camping trip to Niagara Falls, Stayed in an Erie camp ground….hotel in Niagara….stopping in Toronto to visit some sites…..some I passed by this weekend….moments I loved with Ev…places that yesterday struck me deeply…places I actually went to visit after Ev passed….spots we laughed and held each other’s hands……moments………

Oddly an anniversary as Facebook offered up pictures from that trip this morning…wonderful photos of our family having so much fun…..

Looking at the date it’s been 19 months since I lost Ev….19 months…..I can’t believe it’s been that long…..

Sadly I’m terrible right now….I don’t know why but I fight tears too often these days….an hour on the treadmill today….driving…the grocery store….talking with friends……it’s almost like the first few months….I can’t even speak about her for a minute without suffering the urge to pour tears…..

….wracking…..

How much longer….19 more months?  19 more years?

The Quote of The Day

A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.  ~What dreams may come

That’s right folks….just a heartbeat in Heaven…..

What about here….hey….how many beats will there be?

My babies and I laugh every day….My friends are fabulous and my neighbors are welcoming…..my life is very very good…better than many, maybe most….

BUT…..it was better….it was perfect before………and now it hurts………..

Babe…..I know you’re there……I miss you too much……

XO

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The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

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Dreams…..

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This week I’ve decided to close Samadhi Wellness…..not an easy decision….probably one I should have made sooner for myself….

Holding on to memories even though they hurt me terribly…..punishing myself…..

I am lucky enough to have a little wiggle room in my life to decide on a new path….something that I want to do for the next chapter of my life….

I have to live….and as painful as it is I cannot always seek Ev’s shadow…….

I could go on and on telling you how badly I feel about this decision…..and the kids gone this week camping………..

Ya…….

Anyway…..I will fight my tears a little harder the next while……but I will be better in the end.

 

The Quote of The Day

All love stories are tales of beginnings. When we talk about falling in love, we go to the beginning, to pinpoint the moment of freefall. Meghan O’Rourke

It’s hard not to agree with this….but at some point that controlled freefall….that feeling of weightlessness….ends….and then you find yourself clawing at thin air……trying frantically to find balance……

Babe…..I’m sorry………..

 

XO

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