Displaying all posts tagged with widow

The season will change….

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Looking at the long range forecast for Ottawa…it’s over.  Winter has come to an end…..as it does…..

How am I feeling?  I’m not sure….I find myself in new places all the time.  Good things are around me all the time, unknown things or those forgotten….from long ago.

I hate this man blog….I sit here and tell the type of things no one has to tell….in the end you become my therapist….sitting there listening to my chatter….my confessions….

Let me start with this, so far this morning I have not cried.  The last day I cried was the last day I sat here and click clacked these very same keys writing this same man blog…..so it goes….

I have fought tears a few times, digging up stories….spilling the beans on how I feel, who I am, or what I think…..

This weekend I will be driving passed Ev a few times….I’ll bring my boots so that I can trudge through the snow…..I will stop to tell her I love her even though I tell her 100 times every day……

Now I will wrack……I’m sorry……

You know, doing this isn’t easy….some of the people in my life see me and think it is…they look at me and…I guess they figure I make easy work of it….”If I can do it”….anybody can…..

Ya….I can do it….I wish I couldn’t.  I wish I didn’t have to learn these lessons…..I’ve learned enough lessons………..

Where did I begin today…..oh ya….new experiences, long forgotten…..here we go……

I’m trying….I wish they days were easier……

The Quote of The Day

Let your mind go….and your body will follow…
Steve Martin (LA Story)

My favorite movie….a quirky love story……this has been my favorite since my early 20’s….when I was a simply ruffian….not much has changed…..

I do try to let my mind go…..it has been a mantra of mine for so long……..

For everything that is said…..for all the good and bad things I speak of here…..so much more goes on…………..

So the man blog continues….we need a weigh in challenge to bring a few more laughs to the show….You should see Parker, at the gym every day for weeks now!

Babe….I love your face….I miss you terribly……

XO

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Sunny Days….

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A week away with the ladies in the Dominican Republic…

Surrounded by a great group of people….we all had fun.

This trip was a lot like the last.  I had plans of late nights and long daytime naps….I told the ladies before we left that I’d prefer if they could spend a bit more time with Charlotte this year so that I might have more grown up time….but…all but the first night I ended up in bed with Charlotte, there just might be something going on in Frozen, the Princess and the Frog, maybe even the book of life…some tid bit I missed the first 100 times I’ve seen these movies…

I could have stayed out….I chose not to.

Most of my days I spent at the pool or water slides with Charlotte while the big girls did their thing…at the beach with the rest of the group or playing volleyball with the Parker kids.  I spent days with the parents of the little girls that Charlotte would play with, and a few rum and cokes….

There was a lot of happiness for all of us, a wonderful trip with great people ensures that.

I did attempt a man blog while I was away, one evening before dinner on the porch….alone.  It wasn’t going to be a mournful ramble….I was simply trying to share a bit of our joy.  Had the internet been better I would have too….but now you’ll have to get it from home as big fluffy snow flakes tumble down…..

I did not cry at all during my week away.  Moments of sadness, sure….but those were just memories.  Here they are….

ev and charlotte

evelyn kindervater wheeler

Ev love

Evelyn goes golfing

Evelyn KIndervater-Wheeler and Charlotte Wheeler making funny faces

Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler at the cottage

I have a million memories…..I love them so much that it kills me to look at them….to know that this person can not be pictured in my memories ever again.

I wrack…..so what……

I make new memories…..

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A million memories are yet to happen for me and my babies…..I intend to make as many of them happy as I possibly can.

The Quote of The Day

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

I wish life had never offered me this….I hate it….it does offer something worth searching for.  Life….

I know what matters and I surround myself in it, I’m immersed.  I also try to teach my babies that love is a very important part of life….and not just from a spouse or significant ‘other’.  The love of your friends and family are important too.

My children and I are lucky to be surrounded by people that love us…and we are lucky enough to have people we love.

Babe….I love your face….your babies are happy….xo

XO

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Where does time go….

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I jumped on here this morning to pound out a quick update….it’s been a while………

Having a look I realized I didn’t remember when I last wrote the man blog…a week…2?  So I thought I’d search for a theme that offered up a date stamp..  It didn’t take long to find a nice one and I ran a preview of it….

It was okay…but it expanded background images….I found it made the posts a bit harder to read….but I scanned through a few to see if it would work….

Words and pictures fly by in the foreground…..

and an eye…………

and lips……

magnified………

wracking…………..

I miss her…….it’s not fair that I have to be hurt for this long……it’s not fair………………..

I’m trying very hard to move forward….I’m fixing myself, trying to get healthier…..I want to find a person in my life I can love…..I am trying……..

…..I’m hurt though….and it’s not easy to share……it’s also hard to hide…..I’ve been trying……

I try not to hide here….and after 14 months I still find myself sitting here pouring tears.  I try now to turn this feeling off.  Right now I make myself…….colder……untouchable…..worse…..

If you’re not going to feel what are you going to do….where will I end up…….

I hate the man blog……..

Anyway…..

The Quote of The Day

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin

This isn’t funny.  It’s fun, I do my very best to ensure that we have fun around here….but I’m missing….I’m not just missing something……I’m missing……

Ya, I’ve heard it….I’ve said it….

I’m nothing….it’s fine…..but I’m trying…..

The Weigh In

I’m not going to bother the guys for a weigh in right now….I’ll offer my guess based on years of it….

Andy Trafford…aka…old dusty….is down.  From photos I’ve seen of the old fossil he is now sporting a beard also….his is darker than mine even though he is twice…or maybe 3 times my age…go figure.

Trafford has been on the shakes….he is down…..

That’s it though….everyone else is even or up….

Now some of us are getting bigger due to the gym, Kevin Parker may not be losing weight, but he is changing shape.  Arthur is a rock and I am not the smallest guy around….by a long shot.  The 3 of us will be Andre, Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Piper by spring…..I sure hope I don’t have to be Andre……

The Turk, the Iranian and the Italian are all back to their traditional diets….although Vinnie is still working out daily carrying around his necklace…..

Beagle….I’m sure….he didn’t look terribly thin drinking tracksuits at poker Wednesday….

That’s that….vacation season is just about here….

Babe….I miss you….too much…..

XO

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How many man blogs have been written….

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You could count them….you can do it easily enough….but that simply isn’t the number.

I wish this would be the last one….the last one where I share my grief….I can feel myself start to sweat as I write this…….As I try to bury how I feel these days….return to someone I used to be….a man that could bury anything….

The count though is much higher, there are lots of man blog posts which simply never get published…they hide here…a testament to how much pain I suffer….

Not all about Ev either, there are a few from long ago, when Ev was still here…..months of missing Rhiannon when we argued and she chose to stay at her Mother’s….me too stubborn to ask her to come home and her mother too selfish to make her….Ev did read it years ago….Mandy too…she agreed…hide it………

I cried a bit those months missing Rhi….she was my first love….when she was born I knew I would change, soften, start the journey to be the man I am…..

Along the way I dealt with a few things….anger I carried from my youth…..a childhood in which I witnessed some terrible things. I didn’t know better though, to me that was what life was…..of course now that I know better you can be assured my children will not suffer those things…..

Suicide was almost a normal thing in my childhood….by the time my step father pulled the Cadillac into the garage when I was 19 I had seen enough of it to know what choice he was making….it almost seemed normal that you could just make that choice and carry it through….he did….

Hubert would have been about my age….he missed out on a lot….he would be proud of me today even though we certainly didn’t get along back then………he stayed in the garage………

That choice was normal…..

Too many of my hidden posts have been about suicide….it’s something I’ve thought about too much….

It’s a choice I won’t ever make.

One year…..I’ve survived…..some close calls, I had spiraled out of control for a bit….my friends quietly allowing me to make my choices….waiting for me to decide…one way or another……..

I see the look in their eyes when they want to tell me to give it up….knowing I won’t heed anyone’s opinion….I made my own….I’m better.

I remember the day I realized I was pushing it too far…in tears at noon after the gym….still wondering if I might drop dead….afraid…..sad…….

Never alone though……never alone………

I have been blessed with great family, friends and neighbors…….

I’m sorry for the ones I’ve let down at times…..I have made some selfish choices of my own…..

Thinking back over some of the posts that I’ll likely delete now…..I think back to the first few days, meeting Michelle Auns outside of Chapters…..that might not have been the lowest day since Ev passed…….but I was so lost then.  Michelle took the time to let me know I wasn’t alone…..when she went in to buy me the books I couldn’t find to help me understand my pain her purchase didn’t make the difference….she just let me know that her and her husband Dan would be just down the street if I ever needed them…

She did that…and hundred of others have too….everyone of these people have helped me survive…..I can’t list the names of everyone that has helped…..it will take all night and you’ll stop reading them regardless…..but you know who you are…..

You…..

Hiding is a thing….it might make me fester and rot….it might allow me to live a bit bigger…..I don’t know.  Mike (the tear whisperer) Herzog had a facebook post a few weeks ago in regards to suicide, asking his friends to copy and paste the contents into their own feed.  I would have liked to….but on my feed some of you might have felt it disconcerting….so….a hidden man blog….go figure.

That’s that….the discussion of what I’ve hidden….

This morning I stared at the ceiling at midnight….until about 1:30.  I went to bed at 9pm so today I wasn’t too tired……..you lay there staring at the ceiling over the time a year ago that Ev passed……it’s a weird thing that something inside you keeps you awake at that time….

Ev inside me……anguish…..

But when time came to get back to sleep I realized something I’ve said many times…..it’s all that really matters now.

I love our babies……I will care for them every single day until the end of time…..that makes Ev happy…I know.

The only other thing that Ev wants…..

Ev wants me to be happy…..and I’ll be damned if I’m not working hard to make that happen.

I will wrack from time to time….and for days and days it might seem to never end…….

But I will be happy.

Babe…..I love your face!!!!!

 

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Father’s Day….

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Father’s Day…

My Father loved me…he may not have been around as much as he should have been…but he did love me….

I don’t remember missing him that much…I do have a memory of coming downstairs in the house I grew up in and looking over at the sofa…missing my Dad and the bed time stories he used to read to me….the few memories I still have from before I was 5 years old…

I hope Charlotte can remember a few, the bucket challenge video should help.

So….Father’s day….

It wasn’t an easy morning….more than a dozen wishes of Happy Fathers day from friends before 9 am…it leaves you feeling that you’re doing a good job…or at least trying your best.

I cried….I cry now….so what….that’s my life right now….

This morning I cleaned Ev’s clothes out of my bedroom…boxing up what was left of her stuff in our drawers and cupboard….for no specific reason but I just felt like it was time….she won’t be back to wear any of it……for now it will stay here….boxed up for who knows what in the future…..

who knows what…..ya….I do not….

So…I spent Father’s Day doing what I do…loving my babies….

But there is something missing for me….the love of a spouse…a partner….and I miss that…….

I made myself a pitcher of sangria and enjoyed most of it….Ev and I would have together on the front porch…and someday I will again….with someone new……..

Because…..I’m lonely……..I haven’t felt that lonely yet….I don’t think.  I’ve been busy organizing life but as it falls into place it leaves room for new things….

It may just be that I’ve passed another day….without Ev….it’s another day I won’t have to do without her the first time ever again….

Yesterday I had 10 or more children here to deal with…playing in the yard and house….and I thought…wow, I never thought I’d be doing this…..alone…..

If I had to do it again….if Ev and I were sharing our first glass of Sangria together and she told me that 10 years from now I would be alone….with all of our babies……..knowing what I know now…..

We’d finish that pitcher….have our first kiss….and I’d still be here writing this same line with all my babies….

I miss her……….too much……….

The Weigh In

I hit 230 pounds this morning….it’s on…I start running again today….I have an impossible goal and I’m going to try my best to achieve it….

It’s so laughable I can’t even post it here…but I’ll let you know if I make it.

Beagle is at 190 pounds

Boyling’s weighing in tomorrow with fresh batteries in his scale

Trafford is at 176.6 and is on the shakes

Parker is at 249 and considers it a success

and last but not least Seamus will be joining us…he doesn’t even own a scale…yet…my guess is 345 pounds….

It’s on….funny pictures and amazing stories tomorrow.

The Quote of The Day

The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.
Rumi

Ev is still in me….she always will be….but I know she will make room….she has helped me be this man….and this man will know love again…..

Babe….I love you….

I’m not sure how healthy it is to wrack like this 6 months past losing my wife…….but I can’t help cry………

A beautiful day….wear a smile and wish everyone you can a great day….if I can do it anyone can…..

XOo

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5 Phases of Grief…

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5 Phases of Grief…

I think that some stages of grief are easier than others…for me…anger is a hand I can handle…

First let me start with this….I was going to skip the man blog this morning….on the angry days….why bother….but here we are…

Grief, the stages by some stuffed shirt.

Denial and Isolation:

Fine…ya of course you deny it…well actually no, it isn’t a conscious decision to believe that Ev is going to be waiting at home….it’s a trick!  It’s a resource your mind has to enable you to look forward to something…self preservation.  Have I been there, certainly….daily….

Every DAY!

Isolation….ssssssure….let’s see….ya, I lower my head when I go for groceries….I try to go to Mac’s milk late at night or early in the morning…scoping out the parking lot to avoid people….not every day…but most…..I park my lounger in Cuba away from the others some days…..quicksand days….to hide the tears I know are coming….

There we go….today will not be the first day I do not cry………there….there…..

Anger:

Now….the really smart shrinks that write books on grief say this is a process…that once Denial wears off it leaves Anger….

Wrong!  Idiots……

This isn’t a process that runs on rails folks, this is a hurricane!  You’re all over the place!

Anger…doctors…yourself….Ev…what if’s…what’s next….

Screaming at the windshield of my truck…yelling at Ev to COME HOME yesterday….angry….just waiting for a horn to honk….anything……

Anger is easy….you can beat anger with intelligence…you can’t beat denial kids….it’s an illusion….

Bargaining:

It’s almost like the didn’t want to call it the 4 stages of grief…bargaining falls between denial and anger….you can’t what if without emotion…

Lay back and tell the therapist a few what if’s….what a joke….

What is next…here we go…

Depression:

Depression….so they think this is a process and…what….like I woke up day one in denial and I had to work through anger and bargaining to get to depression…..

Again kids….save your money…the answer is right here….I’m all of these 4 and more every day….times 10.

Quicksand baby….stand in it for a while and it gets nice and warm….a nice beautiful blanket…..but wait….take deep breaths….and DO NOT let your head sink under….there are no bubbles under the quicksand….no matter what, you’ll have to tread in there, you’ll have to fight to stay above it just a bit….

Acceptance:

Some say this is a gift….that many people never receive….

The best way to reach acceptance….feel your grief…well there we go…I’ve done that…

And you know what…every day I ACCEPT it….every day I know Ev is gone and that she is NEVER coming back….

I will never hold her hand….

I will never sit beside her on the sofa….

I will never kiss her face……

Go pound sand……….

yoga ev

 

I love your face…..you know that………………ya….you know that…………

No weigh in….no quote…..

I have more stages of grief to explore today…..

Tomorrow will be warmer….no man blog this weekend I don’t think…………….

hey…have a great day……

I’ll wrack a while now…………….

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