Displaying all posts tagged with widow

This that and all the things I’ve said before….

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The first time I saw Evelyn Kindervater in person….I knew it…..

We met at a Mexican restaurant in Brockville that has been replaced by another…..the spot we first kissed will exist forever….regardless of what becomes of the space…..should it become the center of some great calamity in one million years it will still be the place I first kissed her…………..

We sat down, opened our menus and started a bit of chit chat…..the waitress came to ask if we wanted drinks….a pitcher of sangria which arrived to interrupt our conversation which continued through several visits by the staff to ask if we wanted food…..we never had a chance to look through the menu….and our first date seemed to end when the manager interrupted our conversation to tell us the place was closing…..we would have to leave…..

We would make our way out to the parking lot….share a few more moments together….our first kiss….and be on our way…..

I followed her back until she left the highway at her exit….wanting terribly to follow her home……

I thought about that night the next couple of days until she let me know she wanted to see me again…….and that was it…….

Years later she would tell me that we would be getting married this day…..there was no opt out option…..it was going to happen.

A trip to city hall and the chapel…..and another great kiss……the last First kiss as a married man I will ever have………….

Sadly…….

I have come a long way missing Ev….it’s human nature to grow to accept loss….it finds a place in your life….a drawer full of dish cloths….silverware….the shelf you keep glasses on…..

…..it is not the drawer that holds those items that get swept off the counter to be dug through later…..no….

…….it becomes organized…..it has place cards in your life……these moments that come back to you…..a flash of joy…..the pang of grief……

Yep……I certainly have come a long way…..

I’ve sorted out all my cards and have placed them all neatly in a drawer….

The thing about the silverware drawer…..if you pull it out to look deeply within it….you’ll end up with all your cards spilt onto the kitchen floor……….

You’ll have to handle every one to get that sorted out again.

The Quote of The Day

Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then. ~Anthony Hopkins

On to better news…..I now have legal custody of all my children….go figure….you take care of these babies for 10 years and the judge doesn’t bat an eye before she stamps your order.  I had attempted to get through the next 10 years without spending that time in the courthouse but you know what…..the kids deserve that stability…..knowing that this is their place….legally……

Ev would be happy that I got it done after all…..another check mark in the win column for the good guys…..

Tonight I will head out to a poker thing in support of local kids hockey….a must with a local kid in hockey…..I will sit around with a couple dozen guys….we will grunt….scratch odd places….there will be laughs…………….I will hide my pain…..no one will know……

So manly…….a hopeless romantic….I still have all the clothes I wore on that first date….right down to the underwear………..

allow me to pour tears………………………

Babe….there is not a lot I wouldn’t do for one more kiss…..as you know…..

 

XO

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What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

……………………………………………………….

I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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Love…..

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As the man blogs dwindle away to almost nothing you’re left thinking about meaningful topics…..and nothing means more than this one….Love.

These days even typing the word is cause for a pause…..it’s something you really have to sink your teeth into.  It’s meaty….using a man term….it has real weight in my life these days…..more than it did….ya….its laughable the difference…why is that?

Why…..am I simply older…..so set in my ways I don’t worry about it now……not like the old days when my mother warned me I would be lonely at 60….those times she told me to search hard for someone I could rest with in my last days.

Is that the story?   Are those the options…..loneliness or love?……..it makes sense I guess…..it just might…….

I haven’t lived much of my life without love….the early days, sure….my youth.  Love was tougher when I was a child, much tougher than it is for my children I think…but reminiscing always goes that way, your worst memories….the pain…the shock….that’s what stays with you…..

My Mother gave blood sweat and tears to raise my sister and I….it must have been hard….it seemed it to me………

Off track….terribly…..

Ya, Mom always warned me that old age would be lonely, but lonely has a space, once you’re used to it….it fits…

Tonight’s man blog….

I think it’s important to note how much better I’ve been doing….

I think closing the shop was a big step forward for me….emotionally….mentally.  I feel much better….it doesn’t exactly help the bank account any….but I really feel better….I do…..

I can say that I’m happy to stop the old habits….the things that Ev and I used to do together…..folding sheets….dealing with therapists…..just doing the books….

These are the things I’ve remembered Ev doing with me the past 2 years and now…..they’re gone…..and that’s not bad…..

This week I’ve talked a bit with a widow of just 7 months, it let’s me think about how far I’ve come….not comparing it to where she is but thinking about where I was…..to be honest I’ve come so far….that’s a world away….

I feel terrible for her…7 months……it’s a disaster at 7 months…..

I know a widow at 4 years I couldn’t relate with until I spoke to the one at 7 months….it puts it into perspective to know that I will continue to grow….it will continue to get better…..

This widow of 7 months made me cry last week, she was sorry….and I would be too….but the thing about my tears is they are not for pain…..I’m not hurt….I’m not sure in my entire life I’ve ever cried because I was wounded in a physical way……

I cry love…….I miss loving Ev.

That is why we grieve…..we miss loving something.  I realized that early in the man blog….that someone could miss a cat as much as I miss Ev.  It seems ridiculous.  Seriously ridiculous.

It isn’t.

Realizing this and….what….recovering to this point….how is that?  I’m not sure…..it’s thin ice….

But it is better……….

I’m getting better….really better……

The Quote of The Day

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I’m sure I’ve said this before….and the Native fortune teller at the crappiest Vancouver pub in the 90’s said as she threw my palm away after a quick glimpse….”You’ll have lots of love and that’s all I’ll say”….I have had lots of love.  I do now raising 4 daughters.  I have wonderful neighbors, amazing friends!…..If I sit back in my chair and think about my life compared to many….

I’m lucky….really lucky to be surrounded by so many great people. Do I deserve that?  I think so….I changed the tire for a stranger a few weeks ago….side of the road….how many people drove past that person….

I wish I could be more…..I think of everything I’ve been given and all I’ve taken and I can’t help but wish to give more……

I am getting better….I’m not sure it makes me better….I really worry about that…..but I am getting better.

Babe…..I love your face…..I’m doing it….I miss you too much……..

……………….I wrote this entire man blog without a single tear until I wrote that last line………

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The Mirror….

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This is not the first Man Blog I’ve written since the last you’ve read, wordpress has a few bugs and it cost me a post last weekend before Charlotte’s hockey.  I thought I’d pour a bit so that I was on top of it at the rink….it worked, and I didn’t have to share……

Today I don’t have to write the man blog, I feel fine……things are as good as they get at this point in my life….and that’s pretty good.

I miss Ev terribly.  I think about her more than I should I guess…..way too much probably….

I haven’t had too many serious breakdowns….tears in the Movati parking lot talking with a friend, sure.  It’s simple though….I love that woman and I miss her….I miss her loving me….something I was thinking about before I managed to open up this post even though I had planned to write it this morning…..how much I miss Ev loving me…..

It’s not like I don’t have lots of love in my life…I’m well loved.  I have 4 daughters!  But I do miss Ev’s love….it was something I really loved…..

Hockey this weekend was a success, Charlotte enjoyed it.  I guess I’m a hockey Dad now, Ev would be very proud of how well Charlotte is doing….she glows with happiness.

Ave is trying out for all the high school sports just as I hoped she would and doing great at it.  Her grades are also really good so far….I think she is going to do amazing things….I’m so proud that she is following in her mother’s footsteps….I see so much of Ev in her.  I hope she does too, I do try to remind her……..

memories….geez…We golfed Kanata Lakes on Monday, Monique, the bar cart woman, and I were talking and she told me her mother passed when she was 3…..zero memories…..and on the way to hockey we passed Ev’s old Merc….Charlotte didn’t remember it at all…..I sold it 15 months ago and it’s already been erased from her memories……..I told her we would watch some videos of Mommy….the few we have….

Oh my God that makes me sad…..I wish she could know her mother….her power…….which is exactly what I told Monique…..she misses out on meeting a real life superhero………..

throat hurting…….

7am….just woke up the kids….I better make some lunches.

The Quote of The Day

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine

I’m not so sure…………

When I was younger I used to stare at myself in the mirror….an animal staring back.  Trying to figure out what was inside of me……

Now I look in the mirror searching for Ev…….I no longer talk to myself when I look into the mirror…..my words are for Ev.

Babe…..I love your face.

 

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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Single Father Boogie…..

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Busy week….Dance, Dance, Dance, Experimental farm, swimming…..you know….family stuff….

Let’s start with swimming and my friend sugar bear….

I chuckle, the times SB has mentioned how lucky I am…..was….dozens of times he reminded me of the star I had in my life….as if I didn’t know…..and I brought it up while Charlotte and her friend swam on the weekend…..how he used to tell me I’d never find another……this when Ev was here….when we both thought she would live forever, not knowing she was sick….

My darling mother too….saying lightning doesn’t strike twice…telling my I’m SOL……..maybe…..

It’s something I do have to ponder….every day……every hour……maybe not every minute…maybe not anymore, or maybe not as much….or maybe I’m just used to the seconds passing without her….that morbid weight realized….accepted…..

I see some of the color in life though, looking outside the grass is greener, the little red tree across the road glows under the sunshine…this without any help…..sadly

I also share the joy of Charlotte and her friend playing in the pool….the giggles force any warm blooded human to smile….that my greatest pleasure these days….

I was lucky enough to volunteer to go to the Experimental farm this week, and also had the pleasure of watching Charlotte and 2 of her close friends experience the animals there….a good day….it might have started with Rob Hewitt getting me crying on the front lawn of the school….but hey….fond memories can attract a bit of the old eye water….I can tell you that…..

You see….I was happy.  Not just a happily married guy….no…it was more than that…..I was happy……

I’m happy now.   It’s different….really different….but I am happy.  I guess more than anything I’m not willing to be unhappy…who in their right mind wants to wake up unhappy….I do not make my way around this world miserable….I have my moments, but I release those feelings and have done that for quite some time….

To be really totally honest though….I mean 100%….and this really sucks to type out here……..at this point…..still today….I think if it wasn’t for the kids….I’d just dig my hole beside Ev and get into it………

I’m hurt…..and no matter what I do…..I’m still hurt…………..and I’m tired of being hurt……………and it isn’t going to stop……

Ya, I hate the man blog…..the place I go to write down what I’m thinking………really not the most fun………

Anyway….I’m sorry…..and don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere…..I have a house full of little humans to take care of…..

As luck would have it……the little buggers do make me laugh…..

The Quote of The Day

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle

I really do wish to delete today’s man blog but I’m not going to….a dozen of these posts exists unpublished here and this one deserves to fly….the topic has come up a bit recently and it is an important one.

Just so we all understand…..I’m just expressing my thoughts…they might come in handy for some other widow/widower….some other person suffering…..I’m not going anywhere.  Tomorrow is always a new day….whatever may come….

Babe…..I love your face….Grass between my toes this weekend.

 

XO

 

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sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO

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With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO

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I woke up and the color was simply gone…..

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I woke up and the color was simply gone….it had washed away in the blink of an eye…..the single biggest moment in my entire life…..the instant Ev left……

Jesus Christ……how does that make me cry today….after everything I’ve done in the past 15 months…after the life I have…the happy moments I live…..

……………………………………………………to be continued……without a headache….

I cut writing the man blog short yesterday, I went down pretty hard on the hover board, luckily my head cushioned my fall…the old head and neck haven’t quite recovered but I am going to attempt a trip to the gym shortly…

So…where was I……

You know what I spent a lot of my day doing yesterday….listening to the sound of my laugh…..

It’s a strange thing……the need to listen to your own laugh, over and over again…..luckily I have lots of little video clips that capture it…..it’s a sound I love to hear….and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people that bring it out…a life that has plenty of laughs in it.

When I went down on the wake board yesterday I took a moment to just lay there….I took an inventory of my bones….what hurt….what didn’t.  I had that little discussion in my mind, “You idiot”….and Ave stood over me…smiling….we had a good laugh….

It was Ave’s birthday yesterday and the Hover Board her one request.  It made her day, the neighborhood kid’s….and mine.  She had a wonderful day.

Ave is a child that glows when she is happy….she beams uncontrolled happiness….it is a force that makes everyone around her feel joy….

Charisma.  She has it, a gift from her mother……

So here I am this morning, it’s March break so only one of the ladies is awake, little Charlotte sits watching Curious George and eating a toaster strudel….the other ladies will sleep for a while yet.

It isn’t always easy being the single dad to 4 girls, the grocery bill alone frightens the hell out of me, it’s a mortgage payment…..soon the oldest will be dating…..driving….christ….it will be interesting.

For me though, they are the reason….they are the purpose.  To watch them grow, become great women….that’s what really matters….and those things are the moments I’ve enjoyed most this past year….these things I’ve been able to enjoy without regret….

And that kids is the point of all this rambling….

You see…I’ve enjoyed many things this past year…..but so many come with regrets…..

And you know what….they simply shouldn’t……I should be able to live my life without these regrets….

But right now….that is not the case.

The Quote Of The Day

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey

I’ve lost the ability to live in the moment….for the most part….

My mind always returns to Ev……and even the happiest memories are bound to make you sad…..How long I will live like this I don’t know…..I wish I didn’t have to…..I don’t like it….

It’s easy too….to keep moving forward.  I’ve been pushing along in all sorts of ways since the beginning….many of them were bad, but I’ve figured out the best path for me right now and I’m staying on it…..

I am trying….it is not always easy….a tug of war, a roller coaster, the flow of tides….all the cliches apply….

I am trying….

Babe….I miss you………I really miss you……………..

wracking……so what…..

XO

 

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The Ups and Downs at the man blog….

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Okay….maybe I poured more tears on Friday than I have in a while…it was a tough day.

It’s an odd thing….the Prescott area simply has that effect on me….Brockville too….the 416/417 corridor around it….

Why is that….well….that is where I met her….and that is where I have so many amazing memories with her…..Ev is in those places and so much of my heart is also….

And I wrack this soon this morning….because I sit here and think about all those moments….the moments I Love which now seem so painful……

first kiss

You see that tiny dot…..that is where we first kissed….it was a wonderful moment in my life…..and it’s a spot that I’ve passed by often….I spot I used to pass by with Ev….and sometimes I’d pull in….we would get out of the truck….and we would relive the moment…..

I loved her too much………

Since Ev passed I haven’t been back to that spot…I haven’t been in the Brockville Barley Mow, it used to be a Mexican restaurant….I’ve never eaten there, Ev and I only shared a pitcher of Sangria….we never managed to order even though we sat there for 5 hours….until they kicked us out to kiss in the parking lot………..

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this….thinking about the past and pouring tears.

The thing is, I’ve been trying to move forward for a long time.  It’s hard to do…it leaves me reeling…..I spiral…..

Sharing moments with new people is very hard for me….to feel comfortable with someone else….it doesn’t always hold up.  I do try and right now I’m giving it a really good go….

I’ve tried a lot of things this year, some have seemed like excellent avenues of escape…things that seemed to help me find solid ground but in the end added to the whirlwind….I have spiraled this past year, usually just slowly spinning, grasping at what needed to be focused upon at the time and then whipping along…forgotten moments.

I’ve also made the attempt to dig in my heels several times….really get some traction, but I’ve failed….a few times I’ve simply found myself dug in….ending in quicksand and turning to whatever rope could get me back….not to hard ground but up…spirally at the edge of control…..

On the bright side those ropes at Home Depot didn’t ever seem enough….no….I would punish myself in other ways….

These days it’s the gym….I have escaped under the weight I choose……..next up….I will attempt to lean out….we will see just how focused I can be….this line is thinner….

I did discuss this with Donald on Friday night, he told me I was getting too big, and when I explained to him that the gym fulfills a void in my life he exclaimed that he knew that….like I was working out like a crack addict hiding some pain….which is true.  I use the gym as a drug….it makes me feel great…mentally and physically….

And as I sit on the bench with a 120 pound dumbbell in each hand….taking a few breaths before I lay down with 240 pounds on my chest and start pushing…..I look at myself in the mirror and say to Ev…..let’s do this…..

I wrack saying that….thinking about the conversations I have with her every day…..my imagined responses…..

I try to guide my life with her these days….I attempt to manage my life as if she was here…..

That makes me so sad to think about…to type….wracking…..

You see….I don’t want to be this person….I don’t want to have to share these feelings….I don’t want to feel them!!!!   I wish I didn’t have to….I do not want to………..

The Quote of The Day

You can punch a wall or write a song. Just as painful either way, but you have something to show for it at the end of the day with a song. Trent Reznor

I don’t have to do this…sit here and write the man blog….

I could endure my grief silently hiding behind a smile….having a beer at the pub with my friends, no one the wiser….

I could share 100 kisses with someone I enjoy and they would never know what goes on behind my closed eyes…..

I could sit here alone pouring tears and not type….

Babe….I miss you too much….I love your face.

The Weigh In

246 pounds today, only 7 pounds less than the most I’ve ever weighed….time to lean out……..

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