Displaying all posts tagged with the man blog

The End of the Man Blog….

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The Man Blog as most of you have known it will now come to an end…..the man blog will continue for me….but it won’t be what it has been for the past 2 years….

I hope the man blog is once again a story of a man enjoying his life, his friends and his waistline.

20 of you will read it….once in a while….which is as it was….me…Ev….Russett, Mandy…close friends….c’est tout.

This is not the first end of the man blog I have written…there are dozens of posts written not published the last few months.  It was a tough bit between Halloween and now…Christmas….a disaster.

During that time I’ve realized I must focus on my children, I have to bring my life back to what matters most….them.  That or I lose the short time I have left….with them….with life…..

So…..I survived 2 years without Ev.  During that time I have lived so many wonderful moments….and suffered so much anguish.  That leaves me a bit lost….I’ve had to…..minimize my emotional expenditure…..seems awfully un-passionate to say….but there it is.

I think some people that have watched me closely may notice but for the most part I haven’t changed….I may have reverted….but not changed.

I’m not happy to be here….I’m not….but it’s less painful and if I focus everything I have left on the kids….well….I think it will be just fine.  In a bit….spring….future hopes….maybe a bit more color in the world will bring me around.

Right now….it’s not worth being out…not much anyway.

My mother died this month.  I miss her terribly.  Someone else I used to call when I was on my way to pick up Syd….running errands….another voice I’ll never hear again….one I love.

She managed to live 68 short years….maybe that means I have as few or as many as 22 left…..short time….Charlotte would be just 28….too young to miss me……………

The Quote of The Day

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.
Max Muller

From now on I’d prefer tears of joy….tears suffered via the great accomplishments of my children….tears for my friends good fortune….tears of love and life.

I do try….

I have been lucky enough to have shared time with a wonderful person lately, Ev would approve, the girls out with her tonight enjoy some time without dad….having some laughs.  Charlotte has someone extra to cuddle…..and me….I have someone to kiss….I do love a great kiss.

I thank and apologize to some of my friends….Kevin and Russett….I’m sorry I haven’t made the pub or poker as frequently as I once did….I love you guys and am forever in debt that I knew you’d never look at me sideways when you should have….Arthur….what can I say without outing you   lol….all the golden boys, all my hollow trail gate crew….I thank you all for suffering my tears….I thank you all for suffering my bitterness….I find myself quicker to react than I should be the last 6 months…..I’m very sorry……

I have been lucky in life and love….very lucky…..it hasn’t been easy…it won’t be….but we will all raise our glasses many more times together God willing….

I love you all.

Mom….I miss you….I wish you would come by just one time….

Ev…..Babe….I love you more than life…..I’d join you in an instant if you hadn’t left me with these babies….I promise I will do my best……..I love your face forever.

I wrack on the man blog for the last time….thank you all for reading….

XO

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

……………………………………………………….

I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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Love…..

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As the man blogs dwindle away to almost nothing you’re left thinking about meaningful topics…..and nothing means more than this one….Love.

These days even typing the word is cause for a pause…..it’s something you really have to sink your teeth into.  It’s meaty….using a man term….it has real weight in my life these days…..more than it did….ya….its laughable the difference…why is that?

Why…..am I simply older…..so set in my ways I don’t worry about it now……not like the old days when my mother warned me I would be lonely at 60….those times she told me to search hard for someone I could rest with in my last days.

Is that the story?   Are those the options…..loneliness or love?……..it makes sense I guess…..it just might…….

I haven’t lived much of my life without love….the early days, sure….my youth.  Love was tougher when I was a child, much tougher than it is for my children I think…but reminiscing always goes that way, your worst memories….the pain…the shock….that’s what stays with you…..

My Mother gave blood sweat and tears to raise my sister and I….it must have been hard….it seemed it to me………

Off track….terribly…..

Ya, Mom always warned me that old age would be lonely, but lonely has a space, once you’re used to it….it fits…

Tonight’s man blog….

I think it’s important to note how much better I’ve been doing….

I think closing the shop was a big step forward for me….emotionally….mentally.  I feel much better….it doesn’t exactly help the bank account any….but I really feel better….I do…..

I can say that I’m happy to stop the old habits….the things that Ev and I used to do together…..folding sheets….dealing with therapists…..just doing the books….

These are the things I’ve remembered Ev doing with me the past 2 years and now…..they’re gone…..and that’s not bad…..

This week I’ve talked a bit with a widow of just 7 months, it let’s me think about how far I’ve come….not comparing it to where she is but thinking about where I was…..to be honest I’ve come so far….that’s a world away….

I feel terrible for her…7 months……it’s a disaster at 7 months…..

I know a widow at 4 years I couldn’t relate with until I spoke to the one at 7 months….it puts it into perspective to know that I will continue to grow….it will continue to get better…..

This widow of 7 months made me cry last week, she was sorry….and I would be too….but the thing about my tears is they are not for pain…..I’m not hurt….I’m not sure in my entire life I’ve ever cried because I was wounded in a physical way……

I cry love…….I miss loving Ev.

That is why we grieve…..we miss loving something.  I realized that early in the man blog….that someone could miss a cat as much as I miss Ev.  It seems ridiculous.  Seriously ridiculous.

It isn’t.

Realizing this and….what….recovering to this point….how is that?  I’m not sure…..it’s thin ice….

But it is better……….

I’m getting better….really better……

The Quote of The Day

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I’m sure I’ve said this before….and the Native fortune teller at the crappiest Vancouver pub in the 90’s said as she threw my palm away after a quick glimpse….”You’ll have lots of love and that’s all I’ll say”….I have had lots of love.  I do now raising 4 daughters.  I have wonderful neighbors, amazing friends!…..If I sit back in my chair and think about my life compared to many….

I’m lucky….really lucky to be surrounded by so many great people. Do I deserve that?  I think so….I changed the tire for a stranger a few weeks ago….side of the road….how many people drove past that person….

I wish I could be more…..I think of everything I’ve been given and all I’ve taken and I can’t help but wish to give more……

I am getting better….I’m not sure it makes me better….I really worry about that…..but I am getting better.

Babe…..I love your face…..I’m doing it….I miss you too much……..

……………….I wrote this entire man blog without a single tear until I wrote that last line………

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The Mirror….

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This is not the first Man Blog I’ve written since the last you’ve read, wordpress has a few bugs and it cost me a post last weekend before Charlotte’s hockey.  I thought I’d pour a bit so that I was on top of it at the rink….it worked, and I didn’t have to share……

Today I don’t have to write the man blog, I feel fine……things are as good as they get at this point in my life….and that’s pretty good.

I miss Ev terribly.  I think about her more than I should I guess…..way too much probably….

I haven’t had too many serious breakdowns….tears in the Movati parking lot talking with a friend, sure.  It’s simple though….I love that woman and I miss her….I miss her loving me….something I was thinking about before I managed to open up this post even though I had planned to write it this morning…..how much I miss Ev loving me…..

It’s not like I don’t have lots of love in my life…I’m well loved.  I have 4 daughters!  But I do miss Ev’s love….it was something I really loved…..

Hockey this weekend was a success, Charlotte enjoyed it.  I guess I’m a hockey Dad now, Ev would be very proud of how well Charlotte is doing….she glows with happiness.

Ave is trying out for all the high school sports just as I hoped she would and doing great at it.  Her grades are also really good so far….I think she is going to do amazing things….I’m so proud that she is following in her mother’s footsteps….I see so much of Ev in her.  I hope she does too, I do try to remind her……..

memories….geez…We golfed Kanata Lakes on Monday, Monique, the bar cart woman, and I were talking and she told me her mother passed when she was 3…..zero memories…..and on the way to hockey we passed Ev’s old Merc….Charlotte didn’t remember it at all…..I sold it 15 months ago and it’s already been erased from her memories……..I told her we would watch some videos of Mommy….the few we have….

Oh my God that makes me sad…..I wish she could know her mother….her power…….which is exactly what I told Monique…..she misses out on meeting a real life superhero………..

throat hurting…….

7am….just woke up the kids….I better make some lunches.

The Quote of The Day

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine

I’m not so sure…………

When I was younger I used to stare at myself in the mirror….an animal staring back.  Trying to figure out what was inside of me……

Now I look in the mirror searching for Ev…….I no longer talk to myself when I look into the mirror…..my words are for Ev.

Babe…..I love your face.

 

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Just there…..just at the edge of sight…..

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I find myself searching more and more for Ev…it’s terrible….and I’ve been in a bad way for it…really fighting these days.

Is she there….just on the horizon….just out of sight…..lost….looking for me too…..

No…….

She is somewhere….and I am here…..and our paths will not cross again for some time…..but I still look……..too much………

I have been blessed with plenty of great memories this weekend….facebook has offered up a few…so has a quick trip to Toronto…odd really now that I put it together just this second….

Years ago we took a camping trip to Niagara Falls, Stayed in an Erie camp ground….hotel in Niagara….stopping in Toronto to visit some sites…..some I passed by this weekend….moments I loved with Ev…places that yesterday struck me deeply…places I actually went to visit after Ev passed….spots we laughed and held each other’s hands……moments………

Oddly an anniversary as Facebook offered up pictures from that trip this morning…wonderful photos of our family having so much fun…..

Looking at the date it’s been 19 months since I lost Ev….19 months…..I can’t believe it’s been that long…..

Sadly I’m terrible right now….I don’t know why but I fight tears too often these days….an hour on the treadmill today….driving…the grocery store….talking with friends……it’s almost like the first few months….I can’t even speak about her for a minute without suffering the urge to pour tears…..

….wracking…..

How much longer….19 more months?  19 more years?

The Quote of The Day

A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.  ~What dreams may come

That’s right folks….just a heartbeat in Heaven…..

What about here….hey….how many beats will there be?

My babies and I laugh every day….My friends are fabulous and my neighbors are welcoming…..my life is very very good…better than many, maybe most….

BUT…..it was better….it was perfect before………and now it hurts………..

Babe…..I know you’re there……I miss you too much……

XO

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The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

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Counting days…..

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You know what….the man blog weigh in challenge just doesn’t have the same sparkle it used to….so I’m not going to do it….and I think I might just delete the last few posts.

It’s not as funny as it once was….it will be again….but not this month….in the midst of a cold winter as we pretend to get ready for the beach perhaps….

………………………………

Today was Avery’s grade 6 graduation….

Avery…..geez…..

Recently Ave needed a photo to hand in to her class for graduation.  I thought she meant a baby picture so I went down to rummage through Ev’s old memento’s………..

Sadly there isn’t much there for Ave…..One big container of old photos and 95% of them are of Syd….the early days of Ev’s first marriage….when maybe things could work out…..

But Ave came along and things didn’t get better….the camera wasn’t out as much…..those years are lost………

I sat down there thinking about the portion of my children’s life that is lost….memories that no one has….not even them….

Yes Charlotte will have very few memories of her mother later in life….even now…..I’m not sure….but we do talk about Ev quite a bit….when it comes up I always take the time to listen to Charlotte’s moments and add whatever I can to them…

I also share how I feel about Ev….whenever I’m missing her I let the girls know….I tell them I miss Ev and that I love her….

You see…that right there is the problem………

I love Ev……

…………..

That leaves a bit of emptiness in a person……that isn’t easy…..

I miss my wife….and I know some people don’t like to hear it but I miss her too much…..

I hide it pretty good these days…..but nothing has changed…..

…………

What has changed…..Avery is growing up.  She is a beautiful power house just like her mother….I try my best to nurture that….I hope to be there to help her not make the early mistakes Ev did…..it won’t be easy….Syd will help though…….

It really isn’t easy….but it comes with a real benefit….

Hugs!

And that’s really all Ave ever wanted…..Syd too…..those 2 girls always just wanted more love….and now I have more to spare…..

And that’s good for all of us.

geez….I’m not sure where this man blog started….what made me write it….I know lots of it didn’t get written.  There is simply too much going on that I don’t care to share….much of it isn’t easy…..but it’s life….it’s no different that the trials and tribulations every one of you suffer….

The Quote of The Day

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
Ernest Hemingway

I dreamt of Ev twice last week….once awake….The dream I had of her while sleeping lasted hours…..one of those beautifully vivid dreams……we lived a normal day together……it was truly wonderful for me……but then it turned to hell…….because just like the last time Ev wasn’t quite happy……………..Charlotte had died………..

I pursue my worst nightmare in my sleep………..

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you terribly…..I’m trying……

XO

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sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO

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