Displaying all posts tagged with pain

This that and all the things I’ve said before….

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The first time I saw Evelyn Kindervater in person….I knew it…..

We met at a Mexican restaurant in Brockville that has been replaced by another…..the spot we first kissed will exist forever….regardless of what becomes of the space…..should it become the center of some great calamity in one million years it will still be the place I first kissed her…………..

We sat down, opened our menus and started a bit of chit chat…..the waitress came to ask if we wanted drinks….a pitcher of sangria which arrived to interrupt our conversation which continued through several visits by the staff to ask if we wanted food…..we never had a chance to look through the menu….and our first date seemed to end when the manager interrupted our conversation to tell us the place was closing…..we would have to leave…..

We would make our way out to the parking lot….share a few more moments together….our first kiss….and be on our way…..

I followed her back until she left the highway at her exit….wanting terribly to follow her home……

I thought about that night the next couple of days until she let me know she wanted to see me again…….and that was it…….

Years later she would tell me that we would be getting married this day…..there was no opt out option…..it was going to happen.

A trip to city hall and the chapel…..and another great kiss……the last First kiss as a married man I will ever have………….

Sadly…….

I have come a long way missing Ev….it’s human nature to grow to accept loss….it finds a place in your life….a drawer full of dish cloths….silverware….the shelf you keep glasses on…..

…..it is not the drawer that holds those items that get swept off the counter to be dug through later…..no….

…….it becomes organized…..it has place cards in your life……these moments that come back to you…..a flash of joy…..the pang of grief……

Yep……I certainly have come a long way…..

I’ve sorted out all my cards and have placed them all neatly in a drawer….

The thing about the silverware drawer…..if you pull it out to look deeply within it….you’ll end up with all your cards spilt onto the kitchen floor……….

You’ll have to handle every one to get that sorted out again.

The Quote of The Day

Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then. ~Anthony Hopkins

On to better news…..I now have legal custody of all my children….go figure….you take care of these babies for 10 years and the judge doesn’t bat an eye before she stamps your order.  I had attempted to get through the next 10 years without spending that time in the courthouse but you know what…..the kids deserve that stability…..knowing that this is their place….legally……

Ev would be happy that I got it done after all…..another check mark in the win column for the good guys…..

Tonight I will head out to a poker thing in support of local kids hockey….a must with a local kid in hockey…..I will sit around with a couple dozen guys….we will grunt….scratch odd places….there will be laughs…………….I will hide my pain…..no one will know……

So manly…….a hopeless romantic….I still have all the clothes I wore on that first date….right down to the underwear………..

allow me to pour tears………………………

Babe….there is not a lot I wouldn’t do for one more kiss…..as you know…..

 

XO

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Old habits….the good and the bad….

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So it seems the only addiction in my life I can’t kick……

Late night peanut butter toast….ice cream…chocolate bars….These things are my undoing….

drinking…no problem, no drinks thus far this month….and just 23 days left in November….easy peasy.  Would it be nice having a drink while collecting 10 loads of laundry from around the house?
How about peeling it off the floor in the girl’s bathroom and sorting through that….which by the way I’ve sworn 10 times I’d do for the last time….yes? Would a sip be nice?
What about when you fold all that laundry and get it organized in piles to be taken by it’s owner……a beer maybe? What about Monday morning when you realize these clothes are now all in a neat pile on the floor?……time for a drink…or save it for the refold? Wait…..how about after you’ve refolded it all and put it in nice piles….and you get up on Tuesday morning and it’s once again in a nice pile…this time on the table?
…..Do you start drinking at 6 am on Tuesday morning?

Nope….you make your coffee and write the man blog….deep breathes….

You see….the old beer/scotch/wine has no control over me….would it be nice to go down to the cellar and bring up a wee bottle….or 2….for a trip out to the hot tub…..yes…..will I????  Not this month….

Of my past addictions…the gym…counts as a good one…and I’m back in that groove, every other day right now and once I’ve sorted out a few serious – before snow flies – tasks around here I’ll go every week day.

So….I haven’t had a drink in a week and I’ve been seriously working out….the results….

Up….this morning I was a healthy 237.6 pounds…down from 239 yesterday…I was worried I was going to get to the 240’s again…

The reason I’ve managed to get back up from 229….food….possibly a bit of the hallows eve candies…yes I have had no less than 100 tiny choco bars and unimaginable bags of this or that….but candy for everyone is becoming more scarce so that should end shortly.

Seriously….this year I’m going to get myself into really great shape…..there is only one thing in my way….

FOOD!

Krista

Krista is not one to shy away from a wee dip in the candy bag either.  She managed a weigh in yesterday of 155.2 pounds…

I just took a look back at the man blog and I believe Krista started the 30 day challenge back in September at 158…me at 238…so she is down 3 pounds total and I’m down half a pound.

Seriously….that’s good…the 2 of us have lost 30 pounds in the last 60 days….we’ve just put 29 of them back on….

No updates from Krista’s competition….she is looking into it….Krista Chaytor Kelly donut
Are chocolates fun?

They do seem like a good time…..

Donald Ramsay Buchanon Esq.

The Donald has taken a break from the gym….his soccer team managed to win the title this year and he finds himself basking in the glory….

Deep deep basking….


Donald will be back on the saddle in no time…hopefully his attire is a bit more suited for serious bulking when he is next at the gym….

Sitting here I’ve come to realize that Donalds choice in undies is likely due to issues with his injection site…..I’m still wondering if he chose the right hormone therapy….

Richard and Seamus

The big boys are getting bigger….I spoke with Richard quickly on Sunday and he informed me his return to Plyomax was eminent….thus far he has managed 2 trips which means that he is paying about 100 an hour for the priviledge of walking on the treadmill there….

Today is a new day.

Seamus…spoke with him yesterday….dealer tells him he is going through brake pads on his 300 in record time….what does he expect…the car is not rated for this sort of pay load…..Seamus has broken the 400 pound barrier….his children’s only treats this October were the tid bits they were able to stuff in between ringing doorbells….seamus ate both candy bags within 15 minutes of their return home….he did attempt to accompany but his legs couldn’t support him past the neighbors…..

Sean Russett

I don’t know what to say….he is in the low 190’s, not yet able to crack into the 80’s but still working at it…the guy is in the best shape I’ve seen him in 10 years….looking back….

Russett's Return, the man blog

Russett’s Return

Sean has come a long way….

………little break there as one of my children just woke up and gave me a hard time regarding the location of her clothing….you see…those neat piles were destroyed searching for some article…..and still…..no booze   🙂

Yes Sean will eventually hit the 170’s I’m pretty sure, he will overdrive his diet once his vacation plans are in order.

Kyle Devereau

Kyle would like to be publicly humiliated….so here goes….

Sir weighs in at 241 and is offering up a picture of his scale every Monday….hell Russett sends me one of those every day….Here is Kyle…..he hasn’t had a drink in 2 months…I think this might be catching on…on the bright side of middle aged men with super young kids realizing that they won’t make it to see the kids graduate….


Kyle is not the skinny guy….

We shall see….I’m not sure if he is planning on some sort of diet or if he is just hoping the downturn in the western economy is going to thin him out….gas is on the rise….

The Quote of the Day

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. ~Martha Graham

Passion….if you were to do a search for quotes about passion you will find 100’s…and they go something like this…. a great poet can not be without passion….great teachers have passion….a great motor bike rider…passion….you can’t land a plane safely without being passionate about the survival of your passengers….

At Charlotte’s hockey tournament this past weekend I found myself yelling at the glass for Charlotte to skate her hardest…I wasn’t alone, I’ve watched video of the event and my calls to her were echoed….

Could she hear me…no…

The passion I have to watch her succeed can not be contained….and I make no apology for that….I’m very happy to express it…and if Ev were there she would have taken down the roof.

I’m not sure how a person watches someone they love in silence….I don’t know if they feel nothing…less…or if they fight to control their own emotions…to sit quietly.

Me….I am too passionate for that….and I consider it one of my greatest achievements in this life…to express myself openly…for better or worse.

now….there are times when someone asked my opinion when I should have lied…….or better…kept my mouth shut….and worse….unsolicited opinions….ouch….

I live my life with passion….you must appear crazy at times….but the dull will never get it.

Babe….I love your GD face…..

…..I woke up to a dream this morning….I was in a hospital bed…just about to die….still a reasonably young man….I wonder if I’ll be as willing to go as I was in that dream….when the time does come….I have to take dreams as they come these days….

…..and then you wake up and the laundry is no longer folded…..a nice neat pile on the floor…………

I hope you all have a great day!

XO

 

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Time…comes and goes…weight….not so much….

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I’ve been breaking my life into tidy bits the last few years….years…

The bits usually come and go around this time…October 30 is the day my life changed, that’s the day we found out Ev was sick…

It wasn’t the worst day of my life…but it was the beginning….and now I try to shuffle things up to create new beginnings around this time…

Last year…I stopped going to the pub, that worked out quite well…I mean do we really need to meet at the pub every day?  Are we social or do we have drinking issues?

So ya…no pub last year….there may still be drinking issues.

The month of November will be alcohol free…seems easy enough….today is day 2….

Now….I may just lose some weight so it isn’t all about the drinking, the real issue is that after I have a couple of beers I do like to have a wee snack….and sometimes that is a Shawarma potato….which is a huge shawarma on top of an even bigger 5 pound baked potato….these things haven’t hit it big here but in Torrox they are the end of night special at the fair….

That’s 5 pounds plus a day of weight gain….I’ve seen it happen….luckily scales aren’t a big thing there as far as I can tell.

Yesterday I went to the gym…also a first in a year….

So this year…..gym…harder than ever….and continue to hang out close to home with the kids….I do have a 7 year old after all…..

The weigh in….this will be short today….busy….more fun to come

Russett

193.4

The beagle is the thinnest I’ve ever seen him, he has been lighter….but he is in the best shape I’ve seen.

Krista

152.2

No updates on her competition….I will find out if this is still a thing.

I wonder how close the readers think Krista and I are?  Would you be surprised to know we banged into each other at the halloween store…..first time we’ve set eyes on each other in 10 years…..

🙂

Glen

250….he claims he loves Greco…..geezus

Richard Seamus and Donald

these three heavyweights…..we will update tomorrow

Yours Truly

238.6….up a pound yesterday

Why….might be the 50 candies I had a poker last night….I was doing great until I had that first……Russett and I demolished a bag of treats….painful…

I did manage a trip to the gym of course….and a veg platter with those candies at poker….and no drinks…..

Also….the gym supplements do make you hold a bit of water….ya that’s it….creatine is making me fat…

Anyway…no drinks until December 1.

This is a big month….lots of fun!

The Quote of the Day
“If dreams are like movies, the memories are films about ghosts.”
― Counting Crows

Yes…..I hardly ever dream….anymore…..I was once a vivid dreamer…the kind of guy that would get up in the middle of the night, rip the sheets off the bed and attack some mysterious thing flying around the room…….now I sleep like the dead….except I wake up every hour…..to sleep….another great quote….to sleep – to sleepperchance to dream – ay, there’s the rub, for in this sleep of death what dreams may come……

Anyway….

Babe….we are doing our thing here….I miss you every minute……

 

XO

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2 weeks later….

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Did Grandma stop by with cookies yesterday?  You bet.

I thought Charlotte ate 2 of them before we ran out the door to hockey….nope…she had just one…I didn’t eat the remainder of them….There may have been 2 dozen or more in the box….but I ate 20….easily 20….So many in fact that my stomach wasn’t happy…I may have even crushed a few past that point.

My weight this morning…a solid 233…not terrible.  I have seen 229…I’ll try to get back under 230 this week…after tonight’s poker I suppose.

Now….I have been working out….some…lifting…the lazy man’s exercise.  I’ve been busy though….things on the go with the kids…important stuff….Hey 233 isn’t bad…I haven’t been eating 20 cookies every day!

Russett

192 and holding.  He is really taking this seriously and looks much thinner….he is down chins…so many it’s hard to remember how many chins he had accumulated.  Last night he walked the dog from his house to the high school and back….while I ate cookies……

One of us will be lighter….

And I’ll be bringing KFC to poker tonight….


Look….Russett has really been working at this…Props….

Donald Ramsay Buchanan

Bulking…..


Donald is hard at it folks….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

time for a wee break from the new man blog….

Charlotte Wheeler

Some evening in the past few weeks I was laying in bed with Charlotte reading while she watched a movie, the Good Dinosaur…it seems nice enough and she was enjoying the time…talking to me a bit about what was going on.  I wasn’t paying attention to the tv until at some point she asked me if we could change the show…she was sad…

Rather than just changing it I rewound it a minute to see what upset her.

Ya….that is the sort of thing that will upset a little girl missing one of her stick people….and it upset me too….

A couple days ago as Charlotte got into the truck after school she gave me a look…and I told her I loved her face….she said “mommy faces”   She gave me the look…


I miss stick people too….terribly…..

The One thousand distractions that life offers are often not enough…they do help but there is still that nagging…..

At some point Ev is just going to walk in the front door…..

This morning we will pour tears and that’s just fine……………..

I miss Ev…we all do….too much…..I went to visit her on Thanksgiving…a trip to go see the bit of ground that separates us….someday…..

Krista

Krista and her 2 diet competitors are hard at it….Krista has managed 152….she is back to posting sweaty photos on facebook I see.

No updates on her competition other than to tell me one of them has been sick…and due to that Krista believes the sick one will end up in the lead….nothing like a good flu to help drop a few pounds.

We will get to the bottom of all of this soon.

Glen and Richard

Neither of these 2 have lost any weight….Richard hasn’t been to the gym I don’t think while Glen goes often enough….

Glen tells me past diets have offered him huge loses but this time very little….To that I say….stop shoving in food!

Seamus Browne

I’d love to make a joke about this but it simply isn’t funny any longer.  I read a stat yesterday that said just 17% of the population smokes now compares to 47% years ago….

I have to wonder how Seamus feels about being part of that statistic….Keep pouring money into that retirement plan buddy….

The Quote of the Day

Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, “Hey… life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.” Of course I’m paraphrasing: “Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” – Steve Martin   L.A. Story

You see folks….paying off that mortgage and driving new trucks is nice….but you have to have fun on the way.  Sooner or later we will be in the ground and you hate to get to the last day and realize you haven’t had any fun….

There is a time to be serious….but once you’ve figured out potty training that’s pretty much the end of that….

Babe….I love your face.

XO

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Surviving Wednesday Night Poker

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Yesterday I went to poker….I did not win the big bucks….I lost…

Pounds….

I had zero snacks at poker, no chips, nothing from the slow cooker, not a single cookie, bon bon, jujube or eggroll.

Zip……

Yesterday I lifted, easy exercise for the big boys.

This morning I weighed in at 230.2 pounds…maybe a bit dehydrated…we shall see.  My BMI is under 30, I am no longer obese.  The old Omron actually gave me a 28.9 BMI this afternoon at 231.

My goal…..so low….205 won’t do it I don’t think….I want that frigin Omron to offer me under 15% body fat.  I may have to get under 200 pounds, maybe as little as 185…..Russett and I will weigh the same….

Anyway….that’s the current plan.  I’m okay with my food now, I’ve kicked my addiction I think….I’m not starving….

Russett

Up…194.6…poker food.  I saw him eating brownies….at least 2….

On Monday Russett is starting the 30 day Greco no carb diet….the agony.  Russett’s goal is 185, once there his BMI will be 30.8…..He will have to lose just a few more pounds to simply be overweight….the old BMI chart…making fat people obese since it’s publication.

Russett is down a few chins right now so all this is doing some good….

Beagle tsunami at the man blog
Hitting the low carb for 30 days will likely get the Beagle under 185…that of course will depend on how low carb he goes…and the amount of cheating.

The only issue with the low carb diet…other than the pain…if you cheat, it’s over…reboot.

Krista

Krista has offered up a 152.2 this morning…losing before the official weigh in of her 30 day challenge?  Not smart!

We will be following the contestants closely…of course we won’t be getting any names sadly…I’ll have to be creative with my photos…but I’m sure we will come up with something just perfect.

So starting Monday we will have Krista and Contestant A and B ….I can’t wait!


I quick image of our 3 contestants…

It’s not hard to imagine how some might not want to release their names….for now contestant A and B will remain anonymous…but who nows….

Krista looks happy enough…maybe they will follow her lead….

Glen

Glen is down,  255 pounds….I don’t even get how he outweighs me by over 20 pounds….

So greco for him, I’ll get an update on how that is going.

Donald

Donald is still bulking….and laying low….whether it’s his involvement in the CrossFit games or simply overtime at the gym I intend to find out this weekend…until then….

Donald if you are reading this here is the link to the city of Ottawa syringe exchange …..tell me that isn’t a useful link for a drug addict……our taxes folks….

http://ottawa.ca/en/residents/public-health/healthy-living/alcohol-drugs-and-tobacco/drugs#site-needle-syringe-program

Seamus and Richard

These 2 are busy pouring through each other’s wardrobes as they switch sizes….Be careful Richard….the horror of Seamus’ past is forever haunting….

Kevin Parker
Sorry Kevin.

The Quote of The Day

You and I will meet again, When we’re least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won’t say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again.
Tom Petty

Beautiful……not that photo…no

The universe has given us such a great gifts…Life, Happiness, Love….

Embrace all the good things…

Babe…I’ll keep pushing….

XO

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Busy Busy…too busy to lose weight?

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Not many updates last week…just too much on the go to sit and pound keys…

First up….a new contestant…

GLEN

Mr. Walton has decided it’s time for a mid life diet.  He offered up a facebook post with a selfie and a weigh in….and…he gave me the nod to add him to the man blog.

Glen weighs in at 259 pounds…I’m not sure he looks it…but he is a bit more pear shaped than his peers….and at just 120 pounds less than Richard and 200 pounds lower than Seamus…he has his work cut out for him!

Since this is Glen’s first day I’m going easy on him.


This is Glen at 259….it doesn’t seem bad…but he wants to drop a few pounds so he has signed himself up to Greco…

Greco….this can work….the issue with Greco…and every other workout plan for that matter….self motivation….

You want to make serious changes….you’re going to have to push….it will have to hurt….

I mean…you can’t shampoo your own hair hurt…..

SEAMUS

I don’t know what to say about Seamus…I’ve tried to offer him some advice…alas…a pack of smokes a day…A Big Mac with 2 large fries….a bag of doritos and a 2 litre coke for dinner.

Seamus broke 400 pounds this past weekend….they are considering replacing his bedroom door with the french style as he is having trouble getting through the current 36″ opening they had enlarged just 6 months ago…..

I’ll have another talk with him…..

KRISTA

UP!  Krista attended a bachelorette this past weekend and offered up a weigh in of 154 pounds….a new high!

So without Krista’s ‘feeder’ she has managed to pack it on in just one weekend out with the ladies….and I thought this sort of fluctuation was limited to those of us over 200 pounds….I stand corrected.

Hopefully Krista is thinking about sweating facebook selfies….

RUSSETT

Beagle is down a bit…offering up 195.4 pounds after an hour in the sauna….

I wonder how much of this thin man’s weight loss is sweat and sweat alone…not Krista sweat….sauna sweat….

Russett has been known for his creative workouts…..but he is down….a bit.


DONALDINIO

Donny has it easy…bulking up….so fun…so easy….

Me…I wouldn’t hit the needles…but to each there own.  Donald is up 3 pounds….solid muscle….

He weighed in this weekend and offered up 140 pounds even.  He has been packing on pounds even faster than Seamus I think….

I do worry about the medicine…maybe it’s not as bad as smokes and doritos…but I do worry about his man berries…


YOURS TRULY

I went for a run yesterday….yep….I managed 5km….it wasn’t pretty and my knees are screaming.  It was one of those walk/run deals but I did do the run portion hard…painfully so.

I’m going to attempt a bit of a run every other day…and today…a bit of lifting like my buddy Donald….no juice though….high in sugar.

Do I dare tell my weight this morning…..no…..but yesterday morning I was just a peck over 240 pounds….as usual.

When I hit the scale yesterday I thought I’d be buying KFC for sure….but then…Russett offered his weigh in…I think I can catch him….and Richard…..I’m going to take him too….

RICHARD

The big man…second only to Seamus I should say…offered up his weight yesterday…a slender 372.7

He is down from a start weight of 388…his goal is 350 by November 1st….that is going to make for a sad Hallows Eve….

I haven’t seen much of the man….hiding out I suppose….we shall cross the street and check in on his cookie stash later today.

The Quote of The Day

Life is short, and it is up to you to make it sweet. ~Sarah Louise Delany

That kids…is an important fact….

Also true is that everyone’s sweet is different…so live and let live….even you Seamus with your nacho powdered nicotine fingers…live it up while you can.

Me…I have learned and lost in this life….and I have resigned myself to my role as a Father now…I’ll have children at home until I’m over 60 and grandchildren shortly after I’m sure….and I’m good with that….

Nice if they would load the dishwasher once in a while….but hey….hair only gets grey once….might as well enjoy it.

Babe….I love your face…..I miss you too much.

XO

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Ice Cream Sandwiches….

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Did I start a 30 day challenge?   oh oh…

One second, it’s the thanksgiving challenge right….that’s more than 30 days so I thought I might wait until I was actually 30 days out to begin…it’s the 9th of October…I still have a few days.

 

And this kids is why I now weigh 238.8 pounds.  Hey…I was heavier yesterday, a miracle considering I had a nice chicken sandwich at 10 pm last night…what did I wash that down with?

….Did I mention Syd is now working at the DQ?  You heard it here first…and I had 2 DQ ice cream sandwiches post 10 pm last night…

Diets…..

Russett is running the same plan as I am, posting a weigh in of 202.8 today, down from 205 yesterday….I sense someone is starving at the Russett residence.  Beagle did have to make a road trip to drop the boy off at school…it’s funny how The Keg doesn’t have calorie counts on the prime rib…

Richard and Kelly…these 2 are both very active….Kelly posted one of her signature sweat selfies on facebook yesterday…and may have mentioned she was up to 158….I think she said….Richard and Kelly haven’t offered up a weigh in today though, the last I heard from Richard he was at 388….he did tell me he walked 5 km yesterday….

You push 388 5k and tell me how you feel….

Anyway, Kelly knows better not to offer an update….Richard….this is his first go at this sort of thing….I won’t go easy on him.

I'll serve myself thanks....Richard D'Aoust

I’ll serve myself thanks….

Today we test Richard’s sense of humor….lol

As we can see, Richard is getting his fruits at least.

Tomorrow I hope to have a weigh in on the big fella, I mean 388….there is a bit of room to drop massive pounds….

Krista….Is there room to drop massive pounds on our sweaty Beach Body Coach?  Krista has a love/hate relationship with the man blog….It’s great to have a little bit more motivation and none better than posting your success or failure…or lets be serious, a combination of daily….but then there’s the photo shoot….and nobody likes to have  to bare all to the world….once in a while though…Krista gets adventurous….
Krista Kelly bikini
And there she is…ready for the beach….or one of her daily sweat fests….

Krista does have a sense of humor, this we know….but it only extends so far…so we can no longer tag her on facebook posts…she is an avid reader anyway so she won’t be missing this tidbit….

I won’t bother Kevin with the man diet this time around, he has enough on his plate….

So does Seamus….well he did…but he ate it, so I’m including him…Seamus did not offer up a weight but seeing as he stopped by the other day sporting one of his new Tents I’m going to take a guess at his weight….

First I’m going to offer up a review of his new ‘shirt’ I found on the internet.
Seamus Browne new shirt

This little yellow number he showed up in…still a wee bit tight on him I thought…plus judging from this review….a leaky zipper….

I’m not sure I’d be risking that one out on the golf course if it’s calling for rain Seamus…

Anyway…My estimate on Seamus…325…and not an ounce less!

4 Young Ladies and a Headstone

Charlotte and I stopped by to visit Ev on our way to pick up Ave from Bridgitte’s wedding on Sunday….

Charlotte left Ev a small stuffy she laid 100 kisses on…we told mommy we loved her…it’s not easy…..

As I pull out of the Cemetery I still question if Ev is there….it seems impossible….It’s a strange way of being when I think about it….unsure…..

Anyway….I can’t focus on that, I have 4 beauties here back to school….the running around between school and sports….I’m doing 400 km a day without leaving the city!

Zee Quote of Zee Day

At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.
Jane D. Hull

I’ll tell you this again and again….this is not an easy gig….I mean…hurricane’s….that’s easy…you wake up one morning and the weather service tells you a hurricane is going to hit next week. You pack up your things, board up the house and move north to stay will friends for a couple of days until it blows over and you go back to clear the downed trees…..

This….parenting….one day you are having a stroll, enjoying nature and all it’s beauty…a bird….just look at how pretty….and a volcano erupts under your feet….it sends you just clear of the debris and almost certain instant death….you scramble to make sense of everything, hustle up what you can, grab the kids and fight to get them to safety…timeline….15 seconds….

……you survive…..look…a bird………….and you feel the ground rumble…….

The life of a parent….the joys.

Babe….not a volcano to break us thus far….I miss you…..

XO

 

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The show begins….

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The Fat Man Blog

It’s on, Russett laid out a proclamation…he plans on losing 30 pounds in 30 days….by Thanksgiving our friend plans on coming in at 175 pounds….

So me…what do I do….agree to attempt the same.

Russett is 204.6

I’m 236.6 this morning, down from my official 30 day challenge weigh in of 238.6….and really, I’m down from 244 last week, which is when I decided I was going to do this…..diet…

The decision came during the HTG street party, some time between 11pm and 3 am….the days clearest hours.  Not a super big deal…but standing there beside Auns reviewing the crowd….it just struck me….this is too much…and Ev would not be happy…might as well dial this down a bit.  I’m not the spring chicken I once was!!!!  Do I really need 3 dinners every day?

So this is it…a diet in my life means 1 dinner…it doesn’t mean I’m restricting very much…well candy bars….I won’t be able to have 10 of those a week like I normally do but I did manage a wee bit of home made banana bread last night….it won’t eat itself!!!!  I can’t toss it out!

So…I’m just eating better, I’ve had a salad every night for dinner since monday….and not just a salad, the entire salad….oh wait…and a nice tenderloin Monday Tuesday and Wednesday…and salmon last night….So, ya, not starving.

Wait….I had a glass of red wine last night….it’s good for the heart….and the soul….maybe I should have one now….no…5:30 am….I’ll have coffee….one second………..

Done…nice.

Okay…along with Russett and I on this journey will be Krista…she will not lose 30 pounds in 30 days…as far as I can tell from her sweat lathered facebook posts she likely has nothing left to lose…but she is one of these beach body coach people….she has a misssion.  We will include her anyway….Then there is Richard from across the street….

Richard across the street…..sorry buddy…if you read this….sorry…

Richard told a few of the HTG boys maybe 6 months ago that he was starting a diet…he weighed in at a svelt 380 pounds and his goal I believe was to lose 80 of those….so he wouldn’t be having a beer with us….well…maybe just one….ish.  An hour or so later Richard’s wife stopped by with a cookie….

…..No word of a lie the thing was as big as a dinner plate…freshly wrapped in plastic while sitting on a Styrofoam plate…the cookie was too big to support it’s own weight…..

Richard was called out on this wee treat and told us he would just be eating half….the man actually took him xmas ham sized hand and rested it on the cookie showing us the half he planned on eating…..first….

oh my geezus…..I love it.

well 6 months later and Richard says his diet start Monday….so he is in,

Oh…just remembered…Russett and I have a bet, who ever loses the least weight by thanksgiving has to buy a bucket of KFC for the other….its low carb….

Of course we will include terrible photos of Kevin Parker and Seamus into the mix…and whatever else I dig up…like this old treasure…..

Kevin Parker

Which is actually my favorite photo of Kevin…I love it…it’s not even photoshoped….not like this next one.

Kevin Parker is immortal at the man blog

So…before I close the fat man blog portion for today I would like to finish of with one important note….

This is not fat shaming.  We are fat…and obviously not ashamed….What is fat shaming anyway….feeling bad for eating too many bonbons?  Nope…we eat our bonbons without shame…..

The Lifey Bit

Charlotte asked me on Monday if I would be sharing Mommy’s stone, to which I responded yes.  I told her I would be happy to be beside mommy when the time came….it’s an odd conversation to have with my daughter but the questions do come up…and at least when I’m put in the ground I won’t be rolling solo!

Her little friend was standing beside her trying to figure out what in God’s name she was on about….but that too is the Lifey bit.

What else do we have…Syd got a new job yesterday, she will be creating ice cream wonders at DQ starting Tuesday…fun stuff…Ave is at Grandmas for Bridgitte’s wedding, Rhi is pulling in shifts like crazy and really coming out of her shell…and Charlotte has 20 hours of ice this week……….

I’ve been up since 3am…and now I’m going to attempt a the first of 30 30 day shreds with Jillian Michaels….Ev is either smiling or laughing her ass off….we shall see.

The Quote of The Day

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
Brene Brown

What is good enough….Have I been good enough….good enough son….brother…father…friend….lover….human….

No….I haven’t been good at all of these things all the time….but I try….if I fail I try again….harder….I do try….

One thing I won’t be shamed for….sitting here writing my feelings….I will deny them face to face…but sitting here I will not be shamed….

and that kids makes me sad….

Time for some punishment….Ev style

Babe….you better hope this doesn’t kill me…..

XO

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What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

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The End of the Man Blog….

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The Man Blog as most of you have known it will now come to an end…..the man blog will continue for me….but it won’t be what it has been for the past 2 years….

I hope the man blog is once again a story of a man enjoying his life, his friends and his waistline.

20 of you will read it….once in a while….which is as it was….me…Ev….Russett, Mandy…close friends….c’est tout.

This is not the first end of the man blog I have written…there are dozens of posts written not published the last few months.  It was a tough bit between Halloween and now…Christmas….a disaster.

During that time I’ve realized I must focus on my children, I have to bring my life back to what matters most….them.  That or I lose the short time I have left….with them….with life…..

So…..I survived 2 years without Ev.  During that time I have lived so many wonderful moments….and suffered so much anguish.  That leaves me a bit lost….I’ve had to…..minimize my emotional expenditure…..seems awfully un-passionate to say….but there it is.

I think some people that have watched me closely may notice but for the most part I haven’t changed….I may have reverted….but not changed.

I’m not happy to be here….I’m not….but it’s less painful and if I focus everything I have left on the kids….well….I think it will be just fine.  In a bit….spring….future hopes….maybe a bit more color in the world will bring me around.

Right now….it’s not worth being out…not much anyway.

My mother died this month.  I miss her terribly.  Someone else I used to call when I was on my way to pick up Syd….running errands….another voice I’ll never hear again….one I love.

She managed to live 68 short years….maybe that means I have as few or as many as 22 left…..short time….Charlotte would be just 28….too young to miss me……………

The Quote of The Day

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.
Max Muller

From now on I’d prefer tears of joy….tears suffered via the great accomplishments of my children….tears for my friends good fortune….tears of love and life.

I do try….

I have been lucky enough to have shared time with a wonderful person lately, Ev would approve, the girls out with her tonight enjoy some time without dad….having some laughs.  Charlotte has someone extra to cuddle…..and me….I have someone to kiss….I do love a great kiss.

I thank and apologize to some of my friends….Kevin and Russett….I’m sorry I haven’t made the pub or poker as frequently as I once did….I love you guys and am forever in debt that I knew you’d never look at me sideways when you should have….Arthur….what can I say without outing you   lol….all the golden boys, all my hollow trail gate crew….I thank you all for suffering my tears….I thank you all for suffering my bitterness….I find myself quicker to react than I should be the last 6 months…..I’m very sorry……

I have been lucky in life and love….very lucky…..it hasn’t been easy…it won’t be….but we will all raise our glasses many more times together God willing….

I love you all.

Mom….I miss you….I wish you would come by just one time….

Ev…..Babe….I love you more than life…..I’d join you in an instant if you hadn’t left me with these babies….I promise I will do my best……..I love your face forever.

I wrack on the man blog for the last time….thank you all for reading….

XO

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

……………………………………………………….

I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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