Displaying all posts tagged with mourning

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A friend of mine asked me a few nights ago….What will happen December 17?  What will I do then…..

Well…I guess I just keep on doing what I’m doing….more or less….

On December 18 I’m going to get up and make lunches for the kids…get them to school….it’s a Wednesday so I may play poker with the boys…..

I guess…..I know I will miss Ev December 18…….sadly……

But really, none of us know what we will be doing December 18th, or any other day to come….

Next year will be easier….it will….there won’t be as many firsts….I’ll know what those feel like……….those days without her…

It won’t be my first Christmas without Ev…..but I will have to decide if I’m going to put her gifts back under the tree…..the packages that were carefully wrapped, sitting waiting for her last year……the boxes that were taken from under the tree early xmas morning and brought downstairs…one less reminder for the kids……….probably they will stay downstairs…..in a dark corner…………….

It gives me pause….something to ponder…..I’ve been out with my close friends enough that what I pretend to be sticks…..some of them no longer see my pain….I have almost perfected my camouflage…

The day may come that I don’t wrack every god damned day…….it may……

I’d like to think that on December 18th the man blog becomes about scotch, poker and man diets…..I wish I never sat here and poured my feelings onto this keyboard….

The past 11 months I’ve made a lot of bad decisions…..choices……I’ve made mistakes…..driven by a simple goal…..

To ease the pain……

Sometimes that means forgetting, other moments in rejoice….distractions big and small…some I love and can’t bear to revisit…some I hate and can’t stand to be without…..

All of my moments………all these seconds that tick away without her………..

I don’t think this will be forever…not like this.  I can not…..I simply won’t survive……it’s just too hard……

So…..

So………..

This is it……the man blog has been an outlet for me to describe the feelings I have…..the emotions that I experience…..I can’t survive outside of this small office, away from this computer, feeling this way….or at least letting you see it.  Once I get up from this chair I put on my strong face and get on with it…..I can’t be found at Canadian Tire in tears….it’s embarrassing….so I sit here and try to pour it all out of me in 1 hour……

Then I can spend the next 23 pretending to be someone else………the new Vic?  Perhaps…..I do hope not though….

This week I’m going to try to find myself outside of this room, even in the toughest of situations…….

Now….it’s time to make lunches…..

I’m so lost…..it makes me laugh…..that’s it……….it’s dumbfounding……just lost……

The Quote of The Day

I am the pilot of the storm – adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship – it is my making
And furthermore my self control I can’t rely on anymore

Robert Plant-Ship of Fools

As hard as this is every day, I am blessed with an amazing group of friends….even Pesh….they take very good care of me….too good.

I thank you all for being here with me.  XO

Babe…..I love your face…..I miss you always.

XO

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Well…that was…….

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Okay…..

I’m going to get this under control….I know….

I have been pushing the limits lately.  In many ways….if I stepped on the scale this morning I’d be floored…because I’m sure I’m into the 230’s….

I’m not sure I’ve been eating a pile lately, but what I have been consuming has been pretty bad…

Unhealthy lifestyle choices….as some would say.

The people that see me the most often, see it…and I know I’ve got to reel it in….and it’s going to happen…now.

I have had enough, I woke up this morning refreshed after an early night last night.  A normal human day….and I best have a few more mornings like this…lord knows it’s been a while since I could pile up a couple mornings like this one back to back.

I guess that means I’ll be available to drive to Raymond’s reception tonight….last time I was DD it made for a great drive home…and I’m sure it will tonight.

What does this all mean.  Well to be totally honest I realize I’ve been pushing it to the limit….the limit……that is a line you should not cross…and I have been over the edge.  Luckily I’ve walked this path before, and when the tiny cracks start to appear I am lucky enough to be able to quickly realize it while recovery is still an option…..lucky enough to be able to catch the rope on the way down……

So….let’s not worry about Vic’s darkest days.  Most are self imposed, the result of pushing too hard….for better or worse…and recently worse….

But today is a beautiful day.  Like every other….and I intend to make the most of it.

The quote of the day and a bit of thanks….

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
Hunter S. Thompson

Back to Thompson again…a hero in my youth and a pillar of sanity among the insane….In the end though, I am a lucky man.

I have the great fortune of having amazing friends, too many to list…and a lot of people in this world can’t say the same.

I love you all!

See that….short and sweet!

Babe….I love your face.

 

XO

 

 

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Healthy healing…..

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I gotta say….I have not been 100% lately….and I mean 100% of what I have been….the new me…..

Somehow as I get closer to feeling….normal….I feel the moments more….the terrible feelings….

I chuckle to myself….how strange it sounds to try to explain how I’m feeling….

You see…and I’m going to try to be as honest as I can here so you’ll have to excuse me if this sounds a bit off…..okay…so….

I have found myself drowning a bit lately, and these moments of…..surrender??????   Weakness?????  I don’t know how to explain it, but when the feeling strikes me it’s almost like a fog moving across my life….into it…covering me…..

The greens just don’t seem as green…..and the reds….well they don’t seem as red…..

Things are pale, they have no life…there is no spirit in those moments…..

And my life before was different…..there was so much joy!   The greens and reds were shot out of rockets high into the sky to explode like fireworks….I would be in awe of how vibrant my life was…..it was so good you couldn’t see past it…you couldn’t forget how good it was……..

My life was so good…..I rejoiced within it…………….

And I try now………I try to make the greens greener and the reds redder……and I have found that even in the greenest of green moments………the fog will come….the quicksand will take me….even if for a moment…..

But…the worry is…..how long do I find myself lost in that fog….does it come and go in 5 seconds….or do I end up wallowing quietly for minutes…..losing myself in it…………..

…………………and we break from a flow of thought because the ladies want to learn how to make pancakes….we will see what mess that leaves me with……………..

Back to it then….that is the battle….to get up every day and make the most of it.  It is not easy.  I have to do this for my children, my family and myself….and it seem that getting it done for myself is the toughest part of the puzzle….

You see…..keeping the ladies together is easy…..I use love….and for me, that comes easy…..my family cautiously watch me, looking for cracks, but they know I have strength to hold it together….and I think they believe I will call on them if I really need to….my sister has heard my anguish….she knows the moments when I just need some confirmation that I am making it….that it will work it’s way out….

Myself…..I find myself….I had written scrambling….and hiding….but I’m not sure…..I’m just not sure what I am doing.

I know what I want…..I know I can’t have that.  I know I could find comfort right now….but the cost is still very high…..

The price….

I think my mind protects me….I think part of the grieving process is the ability for your own mind to only allow you to experience so much….just what it thinks you are capable of.

If you choose to push beyond this….you will pay.  The price will be pain…you will grieve….and the quicksand on those days is not a warm blanket of sorrow…….it is 300 pounds sitting on your chest….stealing your breath and locking down your thoughts…..you will wrack……and you will not get away until you forgive yourself from it…….yes you will have to set yourself free……and the only escape will be riding it out on a river of tears……….

So…..there are my thought’s for today…..an attempt to escape where I have found myself recently……

I just want………………………………………..

I used to love to want………….a feeling that was surrounded in joy……..

The things I want these days are impossible to have or impossible to write down here…..they will throw me away………..

The Quote of the Day

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

Tonight we will say so long to Chris as he travels back to the UK tomorrow.  We will celebrate some great times we have shared the past few months….

I will laugh….if my knee wasn’t in taters I would dance……I may sing….

The fog will chase me all night long….sitting in the back of my mind waiting for me to remember who I am, where I am and where I once was……..

I don’t dream much….but I had a fitful nap this afternoon…and I remember my dreams today…..I wrack in my dreams….I cry in my god damned sleep!!!!!!!!

There is no escape for me……when you dream of pain…………………

 

I just want to be better!  I need to get this done……..

 

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What have we here….

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Well….8 months….

What can I tell you about that…..I seems like it passed in a blink of an eye……..one million tears…….

Where am I, I guess I’m right where I should be.  I’m at home, the 2 youngest up, the older ones catching a few more minutes sleep before I rustle them up….

Ya….my life revolves around these babies….but I do have my outs, my social life is not lacking….the big girls allow me to have my nights out, in fact they demand it….wondering why I’m home at night on the weekends….

Okay….the facts….I’m messy…I still don’t really have a firm grasp on my life….reality….I feel that there is a certain part of my mind protecting me from…..me…..I’m lost….simple as that……

I catch myself spiralling….staring off at nothing….searching within my mind for some answer….and I don’t know the question….

I can look out the window right now….stare out at the driveway……

looking out there it doesn’t take long to imagine what you want to see……

I want to see Ev, getting off her bike….walking up to the front door…………it seems like such a small thing…..I’m not asking for much………

I just want it to stop…..I want to be better…..and I don’t know how that is going to happen….I don’t know if it’s even possible.

There was a time when I recorded that I had cried every day….waiting for the first day I didn’t cry…..it took a few months before I met a day that didn’t see me wracking….it was a goal at that time I suppose…a sign that I was getting better…..

Well it’s been about 240 days….and in that time I’ve cried 220 days…..

I had typed a few other statistics….how many times I’ve screamed to heaven…..how many times I’ve begged to be taken……other things…..

Deleted so that we don’t get the wrong idea….I don’t want you to think I’m some weak fool….yes I’ve taken a serious beating here, but I’m in it for the haul….I’m not going to let this define me………………

wracking…..and why wouldn’t I……

Because when you sit here and write it down….you realize exactly what you are….and what you are up against…..

8 months is nothing…..someday will be 8 years…….

Babe…..I miss you too much……I love your face!

She knew I’d do this…..she knew I was the man that I am….she knew I’d do what I had to do….she knew how hard it would be…and she knew I would get it done…….

The Quote of The Day….

You are the master of your own ship, pal. There are lots of people who fall into troubled waters and don’t have the guts or the knowledge or the ability to make it to shore. They have nobody to blame but themselves.
Evel Knievel

8 months….

We shall see what comes next…..

I just want to be clear on something here….just because I have contact with a lot of people whom have suffered loss….a spouse, a parent, a pet……

I loved my wife….as much as some people love their dog…..I can’t minimize their loss….

I also know people that loved their dog more than they loved their spouse…..you see the important thing here isn’t loss.

It’s about love………

Have a great day!

XO

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Another day….another ******** day…..

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Yep, another day is upon us here at the man blog….another day of fighting tears at the grocery store…another day of moaning….another day of looking into the eyes of strangers and wondering if they see me battling…..

Look….just 5 days away from 8 months….

I haven’t gone back to reread the man blog but I do believe it was about February that I was sure I’d be dating……lol….laughable….

Here I am….punishing myself daily………..

Those really close to me I’m sure realize I’m in over my head…..and days like today….treading quicksand…..they are more right than I care to admit……

The thoughts that swirl around aren’t as good as they should be……the pain does not rest on days like today………..

But so what….this is my life….and I am living it…..it will improve, days like this will come few and few and I will agonize over them more and more…..and it stops….

There is a cure….I know there is………..I need to be swept away……..the question I ask myself is how hard I will fight against it….can it survive the battle….will I……..

So I write this stuff here….things I rather leave to myself….these things that explain just how weak I feel…..how hopeless I am………I am fighting though….

Like the old dog said “I’m not done fighting yet”

Poker tonight……a time to give up….an excuse to dissolve myself……

We shall see….I have things I want to do and unhealthy lifestyle choices lead to wasted days…..Days I rather not waste…..

Short and sweet?   Short for sure……..

Listen…..we are all in the same boat….every single one of us will suffer……I’m just trying to prepare you by sharing my journey.  I hope yours will be better…..but it will happen.

Some may survive this without having to mourn the loss of another……but in the end you’ll be facing one of 2 things…..a life you mourn leaving, which means you’ve made wonderful choices…..or the alternative….which means you missed the entire show.

The Quote of The Day:

Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It’s a journey of discovery – there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair.
Rick Warren

I do worry about the present transformation…..I wish you all well with yours though.

Have a great day!

Babe…..I saw a green malibu today…..wishing my ball cap was on the trunk and we were sucking faces!!!!!!!  I love your face forever……..
XO

I wrack….so what…….

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Waiting…..

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I spend a lot of time….waiting…..

I wait to understand…..to know……

I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out….trying to understand myself….to know myself again…..

Talking with Seamus yesterday afternoon he reminded me of years ago when he and I used to play a lot of tournament poker.  We were good….we consistently made it deep into tournaments….once against over 20 thousand qualifiers he and I sat at a final table together…..

Reading people……trying to figure out what they had…..We were good at it….I was…..

Not now…..now I’m trying to read myself….when I talk to people I have to allow myself to let go…..of me…..I watch very closely how much I lay out…..

If I’m comfortable….I lay out more….and some times I find myself pouring tears……and other times I find myself reeling it in…frantically spinning myself back up…..

I have been many things in this life……I used to be very very happy…..and I am now….guarded though, and I don’t want that, I live most of my life open….I say it as it is…..I let my mind go……….

But I no longer want to wrack publicly……here yes…..sitting here in front of my computer trying to explain why I feel sad…..bitter….angry………………….trying to let it go…out……so that I can get on with it another day…….

One of those days….and it’s been a while, I’ve been good…..either not feeling too badly or just badly enough to not have to sit here…….

What am I waiting for…………….

Me……I just want to be me again…….always……………….

I want to be the me that laughs out loud……that loves eternally…..that fears nothing……

I’m getting closer……less and less do I scream at the sky…….less and less do I moan……less and less do I want to smash the glass out of the truck…………

Less and less do I sit here and wrack…..like I am right now……wracking because I am in so much pain………….pain I never want to lose………….the memories of how much fun my life was…….loving her………holding her hand…..kissing her face………..

wracking…….

……and the ladies are up….Charlotte called down and I took the time to rustle up the rest of the posse….9 am wake ups for the next 2 weeks then 8….then it will be 6 or 7 depending on which school you’ll be going to…..I’ll likely find myself putting a lot of time into driving kids to school this year….with Syd at Canterbury….we shall see….

Nothing ruins a good wracking session quite as well as life folks……I’ll have to pour tears another day…..

I hope that each and every one of you has a great day!

Babe…..I love your face!

Facebook offered up this memory to Jacob….a new moment for me to enjoy and share.  XOXOXOX

jacob and ev

 

 

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Days go by….

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Well here we are….the man blog….

Just minutes ago I thought I’d get all the weights together and craft up a fat man man blog….something of a celebration of life, the discussion of beer and egg rolls and the resulting weights after applying too much of both to the adult man’s body….

Well, that is exactly what I’m going to do here today, right after this….

I just need to celebrate my wife for one moment….I’m missing her terribly every minute and I must shed a tear or 2 before I get on with my day….

Luckily for me….I’m already wracking….just thinking about her……

Syd’s piano teacher told me this week that in 15 years, teaching piano on 2 continents, he has never…..ever….met a student like Sydney.   He used to describe her as talented….but now he uses words like phenom.

He goes on to explain that in 6 lessons he notices that she has the ability to play keys until she figures out the tune….she can go back 5 or 10 notes when she is learning and come back to try other chords……

This is easy for Syd….she is smart like her mother…..

I used to tell Ev how smart she was….but she had been pushed down too hard in her past…..she couldn’t believe it when I told her I thought she was smarter than I was….to her I seemed so wise….

I was wise enough to know she was smarter….and I’m wise enough to know Syd is too.

Lucky for Syd….I’ll never let her be put down……

I’ve got such a long way to go with these ladies….it isn’t going to be easy as we all dig in to their teenage years….but I’m here to do the work, and I’ll do the best I can for them.

And my love……….

Babe…..I miss you so much.

evelyn kindervater wheeler

I am not enjoying this as much as I’m supposed to!  I am not…………

Obesity…..

Today I weigh in at 229.8 pounds, no good!  I didn’t even have my normal 6 beers after soccer….because I didn’t go to soccer….I may have crushed an extra 1000 food calories just before bed though, destroying a hamburger and 2 huge slices of pita with hummus…..

I was busy in the garage and might have missed a meal…..

So I punched the old weight into the BMI calculator today and I’m almost obese….just a half point away…hell a few months ago I squeaked into the normal range…I wasn’t even considered fat on the BMI scale.

How to get back under 215…fat bugger…..

Well…that’s only 15 pounds….I can lose that right….I’ve done that before….

Wait….what is that…a quick pint at the pub with the boys….every day….

It would be easier if the boys and I weren’t so busy celebrating life, something I don’t want to pass up these days….

So 229.8 it is today, obese or not.

Victor Wheeler Andy Trafford Kevin Parker
Old Trafford has an iwatch….he cant read it…he has no idea what the screen says…but he can use it to trigger a photo, and look…great success

There we see Trafford, down today at a svelte 170.5 pounds…he is rocking the bottom…

Parker on the other hand, like me, is peaking…he weighed in at 252 pounds, not good.

We may as well touch base on the birthday boy Donald, he wanted to lose 20 pounds by now….I’m not sure he is down an ounce…we will have to see if he is still in this race.

Boyling is still losing….he is down to an impossible 191.1 and the other light weight Beagle is at 189.7 after a week of cottaging…aka…beer and bbq….

Another suffering the effects of the summer is Seamus, up to 266 after almost seeing the 250’s.

I won’t bother throwing that into the BMI calculator….we already know which way the arrow will be pointing…

Anyway….I really will try to be reasonable with the manger this week…and maybe with the glug also….

The Quote of The Day

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain

I like to believe most of my close friends are attempting to live life to the fullest, or doing their best at it.  We all have things that are holding us back….I miss my wife….that does have an affect on what I do….but it doesn’t stop me from trying….I do seek to live fully again….

Sadly, I’m not prepared to die….if I had to go I’m pretty sure I would accept it.  I’d count the days I had left to love my babies….to try to prepare them for what was ahead of them in life…..and like Ev, I would grieve for Charlotte……..

There we go…..let’s wrack a bit more…..

Anyway….let’s live…..let’s get on with it…….

Live and Love…..that’s is the hokey pokey is all about….putting your whole self in!

Babe….I love your god damn face!!!!!

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Hiding….

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Happy Monday….

I guess I’ll start with this, I feel perfectly fine right now…at this exact moment I feel exactly the way I do 95% of the time…

I’m sitting here, happy, content with my life….with where I am….

I have no option but to wake up every morning, put a smile on, and get it going….

Is that a good description….get it going….or am I getting the day over with……

Ya…honestly right now I’m very likely trying to get it over with….to get on with getting it done….

I miss my wife……………

She is in my thoughts every second….and much as I wish I could deny that….to get on with it….right now she is always here….

I think of her every time I see the sun, the moon, the stars….I think of her when I hear a bird…when I see a butterfly….I think of her when I see the green grass…….the blue sky…..

I think of her every time I see my children….my friends…my neighbors…..

Does that make me punished or blessed……..

I miss my wife………damn it I miss my wife……..

Biting my lip….alone….I don’t want to wrack….punishing myself…holding in my pain………….

Where do I go from here…..I have no idea…..

Ev spartan

Man Weight

This week I will lose weight….somehow….

Tonight we play soccer…and then we will drink beer…so likely not a pile lost tonight….

I don’t really need to lose a ton of weight, but a little bit off the center section might be nice.

Every single one of the fat men have been partying it up, enjoying this heat, bbqs, birthday parties…there is always an excuse to drink beer and eat nachos….

Tomorrow morning I’ll get an update from the guys and see who is in and who is off to the store for new pants…bigger and much improved….

The Quote of The Day

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin

I make the most out of every single one of my days….but there is laughter I miss in my life….how long will I miss the sound of her voice…………..

now I will wrack….

I am heart broken so you’ll have to excuse me…..

Babe….I love you…..forever……..

I hope you all have a great day…..today….even the people I don’t hold in high regard….I hope we all make the most of it…..let’s try to be good to one another…..

Just look at that face!   I miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!

 

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Where do I begin….the end…..

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Where do I begin….the end…..

Where are we now…11 days away from 7 months….

11 days away from 7 months………

12 days away from 7 months since I last heard her voice….I’m not going anywhere….that’s what she told me……

I told her I loved her and I’d take care of our babies………..

13 days away from 7 months ago I last woke up beside my wife….that last day she slept alone as Charlotte had a cold we didn’t want Ev to catch……

To count down the days to our first kiss……….the first time I set my eyes on Ev…………………

wracking………

I took Charlotte to see Ev yesterday, even without a headstone….she was fine….the kids are doing much better than I am….

Of course they are….they have me loving them……….I take very good care to make sure they know they are safe….

……..I wonder….how safe I am some times……as I sip late with a few of the neighbors…..and the loss of my wife will pass over me…..making me fight my tears in front of the guys……………hiding the mess I am…………

There will be less breaks for Vic this summer it seems…the ladies won’t be going on a week long trip away….really…the last thing I need right now is a week of irresponsibility to see just what happens when you explore the depths of quicksand….

…..glitter in the dark….tears in the rain………..

Oh my lord….yep…..well….some things only the very closest to me will understand….assume nothing……

So….it looks like we will do La Ronde this week…fun for all…a yearly adventure and an early family type date for Ev and I years ago…..We did it every year, 2 were just me and the bigger ladies as Ev stayed home with baby Charlotte….

While the kids swirl and twirl….while I ride the carousel with Charlotte…..my eye will catch the places we touched……the spots we kissed……..and I will fight my tears or pour in front of strangers I’ll never see again…………

…….someday these things won’t be new….it will be easier……

The Weigh In

Fat fat FAT fat Fat Fat FAt FAT fat

and now…the weather……

The Quote Of The Day

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.
Henry David Thoreau

Life is not bad….I enjoy it as much or more than plenty of folks…..

To the fullest!

I am not here to wallow in my grief….I am here to explore it….and the joy of what comes after….

A beautiful day….live it.

To all my friends….I love you….thanks for everything.

Paul Robson….for your protection I have left a pair of safety glasses and a face shield hanging off the front door handle…..some would say this sort of protection is over cautious….but I’ve seen the documentaries….cobra’s do spit….

Some of us are willing to get bit more than once…..

Babe….I love your face…..

XO

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Fat Men Have More Fun….

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Fat Men Have More Fun….

No grief here folks…move along…

I did not meet Parker and the boys at the pub yesterday between the hours of 6 and 8:30.  A couple of my young ladies wanted to go to Mandy and Beagle’s for a swim so off we went…they played their pool games while I read a 3 year old National Geographic….

So…my consumption of alcohol was less than at least one or two of the gentlemen taking part in this impossible challenge…

Less…I did have one glass of sangria while reading on the front porch at dusk….

Guess what….I’ve read one book in 6 months, on vacation in Cuba…and I was a steady one or 2 novel a week reader for the past 20 plus years….

But I’m back on the books…a sign my mind is starting to make room for life…I think….I hope….I do think I am regaining some focus, the ability to read a sign, winning at poker another….

We shall see tonight at Wednesday night poker I suppose but I am up the past 2 weeks, something that was the norm before but has only happened one other week since December 17.

So…one glass of sangria and 2 pounds of raw veg equals…..drum roll…..

Weight Gain.

Yep I was an even 229 this morning….no good at all.

Where to begin….Seamus, the newcomer, with a starting weight of 285 pounds….I like the way that rolls of the tongue….285 pounds….geezus….

Anyway, the fat Irish weighed in this morning at 278.  A good start…but…at 285 he should be able to drop 20 pounds in 2 weeks…..man weight…no big deal.

Seamus has a goal kids….225 pounds…he wants to lose 60 L B s…we shall see….

Seamus Browne in a brown shirt
Personally, I think he looks okay now……but you be the judge….

Trafford lost half a pound yesterday at find himself at 176 pounds…I think he isn’t spending time walking the mall, not with this weather…he is out at the cottage doing old man calisthenics….you know….taking the empties back to the case….

He is down though…I’m up…so who am I to say a thing…..

Beagle is hitting new lows feeding himself just once a day….hitting the pool and the sauna I’m surprised he has enough energy to pull up his underwear….

Tonight he does claim to be on the sauce at poker though, and it looks like he may be saving his single meal of the day for the event also….I’m thinking he’ll be up tomorrow…

Beagle….187.6 pounds.

Boyling is still hard on the milk….he finds himself at 194.2….a light weight if he was over 5 feet tall….but no, gravity holds Boyling down….

Parker….Parker is now sending photos of the scale to prevent being publicly embarrassed…today’s pic has him at 248.6….

Parker now has Seamus to look up to, he is no longer the heavyweight here….

And I better get my act together….what to do…

image-3-for-the-world-s-top-ten-worst-album-covers-gallery-920746988So…Let’s try a good old fashioned group shot today….Here we go….

Victor Wheeler, Seamus Browne, Sean Russett, Kevin Parker, Richard Boyling, Andy Trafford
And the original Beatles cover so you don’t think I make this up….

Yes the Beatles had dead babies on an album cover…..not a good idea….

 

 

The Quote Of The Day

Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Hunter S. Thompson

Just remember folks, we have all bought the ticket.  The ride is called life.

Live it…to its fullest.

And if you think that means spending a day grumpy…morbid…sad…what have you…you’re doing it wrong.

Hey…I’m now the proud single Father of 4 young ladies and I manage to make the most of it every day….throw out an excuse and I’ll let you in on the rest of the story.

Smile…be happy….and wish the people you interact with a great day….even if they don’t return it…

Babe….thank you for….everything….

Yep, thinking about that one line will ruin a day you thought you wouldn’t shed a tear….and I’ll still laugh out loud….and I mean it….a dozen times today….

I hope the same for you

XO

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Another Day…Done….

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Another Day…Done…

Yesterday was not my worst day…not by a long shot….of course…

Oh I poured tears….wracked….but that is life….my life….

Let’s start with this morning, a beautiful day….I woke up with an extra $200 in my pocket from poker…I’ve turned that around and have started winning….and you know what, I kept my consumption of alcohol at a very respectable level and find myself without a hint of a hangover this morning…a miracle when sipping burnt bourbon lemonades….

I thought I might come undone at poker last night, call in a snow day and bury myself…but I didn’t feel the need….sitting with a bunch of good old boys, my friends…playing a bit of cards and poking fun at one another at a level that only these kind of guys can dish out and take….

Which brings me to the first thing I realized this morning….okay…maybe I’ve known it, and talked about it before….I’ve even written about it in late night man blogs that remain unsent….yes there are man blogs that I write and do not post….but my point is this….

I hang out with 20 guys…I consider friends….and oddly enough, almost every one of them is exactly alike….to define them, well to many they may come across as…simply assholes….loud….smartass…confident….outspoken…..

None of my friends pull any punches…they tell it like it is….

You know what else my friends do….each and every one of these guys……..

Love

Almost every one of them loves them self and the people around them….and they are not afraid to let it be known….

I love them….Ev did too….some don’t…some people don’t get them….but we do….

So boys…XO…thanks for everything you do to help me out…

There we go….a little praise for the guys…

I do this because I do hear that people consider me a strong man….honorable…loving….but I’m not in this alone……

What else did we figure out today…well…Charlotte decided to go to school this morning at 9am after I was going to let her stay home.  She pitter pattered into my office and asked me when it was time for school and when I told her I was letting her stay home today she ordered me up with a “Get me dressed!”

Such a cute kid….

And off we went to her classroom.  Today I didn’t poor tears in the halls of learning….nope I fought my tears enough that I was able to have a bit of a conversation with Carol on my way out rather than my normal fast exit head down…..

But I did fight my tears, and I realize I always will…always….

For the rest of my days if I think about Ev I will feel sadness….forever….

But so what…..that is me….moving forward that is me….and I am moving forward……….

I sat with Ev at her grave yesterday, ate a sandwich, read a bit of a novel…..and….well I said a few words and wondered what Ev would be saying to me…..

And you know what I came up with…..visit often…..but live….stay a short while, and get back home to the babies….live and love….to the fullest…..

So….here I am….wracking as usual….

But I will live and love to the fullest…….

The Quote Of The Day

The happiest people seem to be those who have no particular cause for being happy except that they are so.
William Ralph Inge

Be happy…get up and work on that….it’s more important than anything else…..

So…The good old man blog will include weigh ins next week, it will not be just the widower blog….I’m going to pull Seamus into the mix too, he needs a push…and so do I.  Beagle is down half his body weight so I have some catching up to do.

Remember kids….be nice to each other….love…..it’s just so nice to feel love….go ahead….

I hope you all have a great day!

Babe…thank you for making me better…I love you for helping me be this man…..

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Widower Time….

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Widower Time…

Some day I won’t define myself this way…I’ll be Vic…but for now, I’m Ev’s husband….a widower……

I’ve had a pretty good week, the past few days I have only shed a few tears, those mainly during conversations with Charlotte….her joy is painful….and she speaks of how mommy would be feeling during an event….well….it’s unbearable….

I haven’t had a quicksand day though, it’s been a while….and no man blog for it….I supposed some day soon I’ll measure my weight and get back onto the man diet….maybe we will start that again Thursday, the day after poker….

This week though, I’ve been focused on one thing….6 months….

Today is that day…..so today I will sit here, write the man blog….and wrack tears…..

Where have I been this past 6 months….I’ve spent much of it lost….the first few months were terrible…I haven’t taken the time to reread the man blog yet….but I remember what I was thinking most of the time back then…I’m better now….I never consider driving into oncoming traffic….

It’s not like I was ever going to do it….but back then it was a common consideration…and proof to me that I’ve come a long way since….what….2 months ago maybe….maybe less….

After 6 months things are starting to come together.  The girls and I are figuring our life out…..my poor babies…..I feel terribly for them…bad enough I’ll pour tears right now thinking about that….their pain and loss…..it hurts me so much.

But I’m here…I give them every thing I can, I love them more than I ever thought I could….enough for both of us….

I miss my wife…..every day….

Sadly for me….I still day dream about a chance…just to see her again….not just once….but to have her back….an impossible dream that only comes during my waking hours.  Once I fall asleep the dreams end….I don’t dream much anymore in my sleep….not that I remember anyway.

I do sleep now.  For the past month or so I’ve been getting 6 to 8 hours a night.  As much as or more than I had with Ev.

I have started taking better care of myself, I’m cooking more home made meals for the kids….and they are back to asking for old favorites rather than wondering if there is a frozen pizza in the freezer….

So what’s next….we are going to manage ourselves through a summer….an idle time for the kids…attempting to fill time.  There is soccer, dance, piano, calypso, Le Ronde….and then there is Syd’s birthday…always spent with Mom at Mont. Cascade….without me….Ev’s day with the kids…..will we do that this year…..I remember Ev saying that last year would be the last time she took Syd there……that Syd wouldn’t want to go…………….

I can’t believe I couldn’t save her………………….

The beautiful Evelyn Wheeler

The Quote Of The Day

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
Marcus Aurelius

I have never lived a quiet life….I have always rejoiced in living……I surround myself with people like me…those that live…we laugh we smile we dance…..

Many of these people have been around me long enough to see me change…..for the better…..and the worse…..

I will live again……

Babe….I love you….I love your face…..I miss your hands……….just to feel your hand in mine again………..

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