Displaying all posts tagged with mourning

The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

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I hate the man blog…..

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I received a comment yesterday from a recent widow…not to my latest post, she commented on a post from the past…most of you will miss it…

Jennie commented that she is often told “things will get better” or “be strong” and to that Jennie responds F-you.
Jennie might be on to something….

I know it’s very hard for you readers to get this but….it is hard….and things do not get better….some things simply do not.
Be strong? You mean like when the kitchen knives start talking to you….ya…be strong….

Some days you will wake up under it….there will be quicksand days that feel impossible. Emotionally very difficult days.

Now, I’ve only been at this 16 months, this is a drop in the bucket of life…and to be totally realistic, it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things on the other side…death…I mean, that’s a big bucket….

You see….I don’t worry about that bucket anymore…I don’t want to get into it just yet…but when it’s time…I’m ready.

How does that make me feel…oddly it doesn’t curb the fact I sweat like a pig as soon as I get in an airplane….if the pilot says we are going down I’m pretty sure I’ll accept the news.

You see….that’s strength. It might not be what they are looking for on the questionnaire at the Royal Ottawa…but it is what it is…

To review…before late October 2015 I don’t think I ever suffered from depression…ever.  I didn’t know what it was, I simply wrote it off as a weakness…like…put on a smile folks and get on with your day.

But you know what….some days it just puts you down.

I was once explained this from a guy I worked with who suffered clinical depression and I didn’t comprehend it….

Weak I thought.  And there the guy was, at work, telling me about how tough some days were…medicated…sure…but he was giving it a good go.

It isn’t easy…being strong.

And sitting here, typing this out, exposing how I feel so that I might face you later at the pub….not easy….down right embarrassing a lot of the time….

But in the end….this is me….you read this and maybe you look at me sideways because I’m so full of shit when I show up pretending to be a solid guy that has his ducks lined up….

But….here I am………

So….things will get better…..I will be strong…..

…………………………

I wrack….because it seems like a lie…..that’s the fairy tale but it simply isn’t my life……

In my life those things are make believe……

You see….Jennie and I sit some place pouring tears that become to painful to hide from you…..I hope Jennie is doing as well as I am.  I hope Jennie is surrounded by the friends I have….

The Quote of the Day

Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell

Listen….I hate writing this stuff down here….I’d rather keep this a secret….but you know what, sadly it makes me feel better to get it off my chest.  It helps me, and I hope it helps Jennie….

Yes my sanity is questionable…..fair enough….

How is yours?

One thing Ev hated….Cowards…If you’ve got something to say…..stand up….

Babe….I’m a rock…..

 

XO

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Pain….or Suffering….

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I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the man blog…thoughts I would have shared here with you…but I haven’t written them down, many are lost…..lost….it’s a thing lost.  Sometimes you’ve lost too much, you yourself are lost too deeply….and sometimes you can’t get lost….there is simply no escape…..

At some point yesterday I realized I still await Ev’s return…..a terrible realization.  It came with another thought…..what do the ladies think…..

I’m not sure Charlotte waits for her return……I’m not sure…….but I wonder if Ave and Syd have the same feelings that I do in this regard…..It’s simply too big a force to be gone……….the space has to be filled by something……….

Anyway….I think that’s why I sit here right now….because I suffer….

It’s not enough to go on living….you think it would be….you suppose that there will be some gift for staying…..but no….you will suffer……stay and you will be forced to suffer…..

The more you fight your tears the deeper you will withdraw…..you will hide…..you will slowly back into the darkest corner where no one can see your feelings….

Lost….yet not lost enough…..

Ev will not be coming back…..I will feel the need to pour tears every day….and we will keep doing what we are doing…..

With that Charlotte comes up to me at the computer and offers me this…

20160422_080049

That’s me blowing bubbles in mommy’s stomach she tells me…..

I wrack…..so what…..

The only bad thing about it….I have to pour tears over such a funny comment and beautiful memory.

The Quote of The Day

Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.
Corrie Ten Boom

We talked on our way home from Ave’s tumbling last night, Sydney asked why we can’t remember our childhood…and I said our brain’s just get filled up with too much other stuff….

Charlotte says she will always remember……she won’t….

I will wrack………

Syd and Ave will remember more…..not enough……

I did say that technology is on it’s way that will allow us to remember more, Sydney says she wouldn’t want to relive her memories……….

I wouldn’t stop……………

If I could tell you how much I miss her it wouldn’t do it justice….I don’t know the words and you wouldn’t understand if I did….for every thought I share there is so much more I simply can’t say…..

Babe………I miss you too much.

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Life…Death…and a few things in between….

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I’ve been doing this man blog thing for a long time….years…how many years, 5 years….maybe longer…

It used to be a celebration of love and life, friendships….a joke about playing poker and eating too much, diets, so many diets….

A ritual…a lot of days written in the early morning while Ev was at boot camp…and when she came home she would sit in the same spot every day and read it….

I wrote it most days….right up until we found out Ev had cancer….it slowed after that….

Once she died….I used it to try to understand how I was feeling……I could take the time to let my emotions simply flow out of me.  It was great….I needed to do it.  After a few weeks I would have given it up…but a lot of people were messaging me…and a lot of those were thanking me for sharing.  Some were thankful to hear about a great love….and some were thankful for hearing about the expression of grief.  Hopefully my pain has helped others with their journey.

Not much of it was for anyone but myself though, it did offer some insight to how I was doing to my friends…I have a wonderfully loving and supportive group of friends.

The man blog has also ruffled a few feathers.  I remember last February and March when I discussed dating….how I thought I was ready to give it a go…yep…I did receive a few warnings.

Guess what….they were founded.  I wasn’t ready….

It’s been 13 months now since Ev left….I miss her terribly every day.  You see, I still love her….big time.

So….the man blog allows me to share that, for better or worse…and yesterday it allowed me to share that with people all over the world….50 plus countries….I’ve seen it as high as 80 and who knows, I’m sure it’s been more but I simply didn’t bother to look.

Today like every other day I get to sit here and say whatever I want to whoever reads this man blog…and I might ruffle some feather again….like yesterday….when I was told I was a piece of shit….

Let’s take a moment to sit here and think about something….

If there is a heaven….if there is a soul that lives on and looks over us….A Father’s, Mother’s, Sister’s, Brother’s, Husband’s or Wife’s….whatever….if you believe that…..

Are you doing the best you can for those people…..can you face them and know that they approve of what you’re doing….in your life……

I don’t need to judge you see….if you believe….then judgement has already passed….

Hey….I do what I can, I have some regrets…..but I live my life as if Ev was right here beside me….I love that woman still as if she is sitting right outside this office…..on the sofa…..waiting for me to say it’s done so she can read the man blog.

 

The Weigh In

I’m down a couple of pounds, nothing worth yelling off the rooftops as I’m still over 240 at 242.2 pounds.  Yesterday for breakfast I had 8 egg whites and one full egg with half a piece of protein pita….too much….so stuffed I could puke!  Just a protein shake at lunch….and a chicken breast with broccoli for dinner…after a trip to the gym.

My shoulder is killing me….I may have to focus on cardio for a bit to let it heal.

the boys

That’s a nice one isn’t.  Only had 6 bodies guys, sorry…took the first 6 heads I had available…

Quick again….no big losers, Athur 192.8….at gym every day, Vinnie 178….pasta every day, Andy 180…back from yurting and back to the shakes, Pirouz 157…shakes…says he only wants to get to 155, Beagle 196.7….elliptical…starvation…4 weeks until the beach for you Beagle….lots of time, Ayhan 188.6…2 Turkish dinners he tells me.

The Quote of The Day

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.
Will Smith

As I told my critic yesterday, I don’t want to fight….I want what’s best for my family.  I forgive you, and I’m sorry.

XO

Have I cried today, yes…yesterday, yep…I love and miss my wife….does that suck…you bet.  Does it hurt me to share these things here…to have you all know how much pain I feel….yes.

I’m a man’s man.  I stand tall among my friends….they know they can count on me…no matter what.  I am proud, I’m proud to be man enough to be able to share these things…..

I know what love is…..I love large….eternally….my wife…my babies…my friends and family…..my life.

I know what pain is….I suffer…constantly….you think you can make it worse….come…..bring everything you have………I’ve already been destroyed……come with every thing……………..

Babe…..thanks for giving me your love….and strength…..I love you….

 

 

 

 

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The Past….

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A strange day yesterday….old friends and old worries forgotten….

As I stand in the school yard waiting for Charlotte and Ave yesterday a passerby says my name, an old friend and roommate from days long long gone when I lived down in the market….fun times, the joy we used to have with 4 and sometimes 5 of us sharing a 3 bedroom….often to wake up with bodies covering every inch of carpet in every room….the mad sleepovers….

Fabulous memories………

Not all of my past has left me with those same feelings, some I’ve carried like luggage all this time.  Wrongs I had always hoped to be forgiven for….or simply relieved of….that too happened yesterday….I travel a bit lighter now.  I had to share a bit more than I usually do to get it….but these days I’ve laid my demons on the table more than I ever have….my secrets swirl around free…..and so do I.

Getting the ladies out the door this morning seemed like a breeze, although I do feel like I might be better with an extra hour of sleep, deciding to get into the hot tub late last night to relieve some muscle pain was a good idea….bringing a wee bit of scotch along might not have been….

Charlotte slept in her own bed again last night, likely 10 of the past 12 days….and now I dream again…obviously I’m getting a bit more sleep without her hogging.

The Weigh In

I hit the scale at 241.6 pounds this morning…reasonable enough.  Gym yesterday, tried to push but a back issue made it impossible…when the back hurts….I decided to work the back instead, easier to pull I suppose.  What did we manage to eat yesterday….I think I managed about 200 grams of protein yesterday, short of my goal….Roast beef and mashed potatoes for dinner and a salad at 11 pm just before bed….I couldn’t go to sleep hungry.

Today….the gym……..

Groundhog days

Groundhog days for Beagle at 196.2, Arthur at 192, Vinnie at 178, nothing from Parker….I’m betting 252….

Parker skipped the gym yesterday, today we do arms….I think he is over the worst of it so he might be brushing his own teeth again by Friday…Arthur…we shall see.

It just stuck me that Arthur weighs less than Beagle…..bahahahaha….shit

Kevin Parker belly flops for the man blog

Parker does like to hit the pool after a bit of the old lift.

Old Trafford

The starvation diet….old Trafford is down to 177.6 pounds.  If you are willing to substitute lean shakes for 2 meals a day while having a very sensible dinner….you will lose weight.

You can’t cheat this diet, your metabolism slows to a crawl so any misstep will be stored as fat as your body attempts to persevere for one more day.  Luckily Andy’s intake of beer seems to also have slowed to a crawl….as best as I can tell anyway….

A lot of seniors do come to the decision to give up the glug….Andy’s days of being a pirate are almost over.

Andy Trafford

Pirouz and Ayhan

Priouz is back down to 158 pounds….he loves that gym….Ayhan isn’t doing as well….he is obviously off the nuts.  Ayhan weighed in this morning at 188.2 pounds.  I think he is right back to where he started….

Let’s try to consider….Ayhan has been dieting, his body has had to consume a bit of the old muscle along the way….Trafford….hint hint….during this time I’ve been destroying the fridge….taking creatine….and pushing hard weight.  My weight at 241 includes a few pounds of new muscle and 5 pounds of water weight from the creatine.  I give that up and I’m 235 in 2 days…..

Lift…

The Quote of The Day

It’s toughest to forgive ourselves. So it’s probably best to start with other people. It’s almost like peeling an onion. Layer by layer, forgiving others, you really do get to the point where you can forgive yourself.
Patty Duke

You know, for all my mistakes I’ve really turned into a pretty good person….this life has taught me so many things, the really important stuff….

Care for the people around you and they will care for you.

I’m a lucky man…..I’m surrounded by lucky people.

Babe….I love your face.

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Another day….another…..day.

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Before I get into the meat and potatoes portion of the man blog, the portion where I entertain myself with photoshoped images of my friends….let’s review…..grief….and life….

I’ve read so many fabulous posts in regards to how other people have dealt with or are dealing with their grief….let it go….like a butterfly in a storm…just keep flapping those wings….glide…..

Guess what…….

And this is going to come as a total shock to some of you………..ready?

Some people DON’T love their spouse…….

I have talked to hundreds of people through this blog, read hundreds of messages, responded to dozens upon dozens….

Some people do not love their spouse……some people don’t love their children…..their pets…..their parents….

Some people do not love …….themselves……

I have personally talked to widows that have told me….no problem….we likely weren’t going to make it anyway…..so, obviously that person is unlikely to experience this journey as I do……

I have personally talked to people that envy me……you get that…..men and women that WISH their spouse would die…..obviously that person is unlikely to experience this journey as I do……

I have personally met men and women that LOVE there lost child, brother, father, sister, mother, aunt, cat and dog….these people have some idea of what the journey is to me…..these people are on a journey of their own…..different….but there is a path like mine.

I am moving forward.  I have moved forward every single day since December 17, 2014.  I will continue to move forward….it will not always be easy, some days I will cry…..I will continue this journey…with love….living to the best of my ability….and I’m telling you right now, my life is pretty big…bigger than most…..I live large, even in agony…………

So…..I suffer….but I live……

The Weigh In

Kevin Parker……..Kevin MF Parker…..

Kevin met me at the gym yesterday unable to straighten his arms….I figured a little light lifting might get him flowing again…well we lifted….and lifted….set after set…again and again…..

Kevin did not whine…..he did not quit…..he was nothing short of an animal….

I am proud of Kevin Parker.  He is sore today, really sore….

watford Kevin Parker

This is what Kevin gets today….Kevin’s weight was unchanged at 252 pounds….but he is on his way.

Beagle

Poker night for Beagle.  He weighed in at 196 pounds this morning, not bad considering.  Beagle says today he plans on sweating….that is going to hurt….

Fat Beagle

Charlie also weighed in this morning at 21 kg, or about 45 pounds….Charlie has enjoyed Wednesday night poker, up 2 pounds since his last visit where the Vet put him on a strict diet…..

Victor…yours truly

Yesterday for breakfast I managed 4 eggs and 6 thin slices of rye, I crushed a few scoops of protein, some creatine, glutamine, and bcaa’s….all of the supplements I am using are from a Canadian company that promises IOC compliance…I’m getting big, I might me stronger today that I was 10 years ago….and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m using anything other than over the counter supplements of the highest standard.

I’m working out hard….really hard….I like to kid around about steroids….but lets be serious, I can hardly stuff myself into an XL shirt as it is……

okay….I then had chicken curry over fries and cheese…chicken curry poutine…at the Heart and Crown, with a beer.  Then poker…2 beers….maybe 4 ounces of scotch….10 meatballs….15 maybe…..2 or 3 chicken thighs….and half bag of doritos…maybe 2/3 of the bag…..

So what is that…..some calories….a few carbs……

I hit the scale this morning at 239.8 pounds….

As long as I’m pushing the weight…..I can eat whatever I’d like.  First week of February we lean out….

Today I break from the gym……or maybe I go in late for a bit of cardio.

Arthur

Arthur is at the gym daily also and has been for about 2 months.  Like me, Arthur is packing on muscle so his weigh in is not as easy as a simple number….

Arthur hit the scale this morning at 193 pounds….Liverpool did manage a tie yesterday which cost Arthur a few pints at the pub….all consumed.

To continue Arthur expose into the Asian culture I offer you this prize.

Andy Zips for free

Andy Zips for free

A little something for everyone in this gift.  Sorry Kev…

Vinnie and Old old Andy Trafford

Vinnie doesn’t really need to lose much weight, but being Italian he does want to look his very best for when we hit the beach in February….I wouldn’t banana hammock myself…but Vinnie….he loves it.

Vinnie weighs in at 177.5, down half a pound….it’s amazing what a good waxing can accomplish.

Old Old Andy Trafford is walking his way into a wafer…Trafford weighed in this morning at 180.5 pounds!

Andy Trafford

I do wonder if blisters are the only thing Andy is getting at Carlingwood……

Pirouz 

Pirouz is at 160 pounds, down a bit but not his low….he wants to lose another 10 pounds…

It won’t be easy….I’ve only seen Pirouz at the gym one time….he is like one of those steroid guys…just walkin around looking big…..or….big???  Wait….no…

Sorry Pirouz….you’ll have to step it up a bit…

pirouz

Ayhan

Ayhan had 2 peanuts yesterday…his weight….183.8 pounds

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I can hear Ayhan now. “Man said, nuts, you like?”

bahahahaha…oh shit… terrible….

The Quote of The Day

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge

This is what it is all about…..this is the man blog….

Lot’s of pictures today….one more….

evelyn kindervater-wheeler

If this isn’t how you feel about life……you’re already gone…..

Babe…..I love your face……..

so what if I wrack…..

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The Return of The Scotch Diet

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Did I possibly drink a bottle of wine last night….and maybe I may have possibly followed that up with a sip…or 2…of scotch….

The silver beast stared 235.8 back at me this morning….dehydration?   You betcha!

Hell, that’s 8 pounds in 3 days….if only I had enough moisture left in my skull to pull that off another night….well who knows how low I could go….

So…I ate 4 eggs and 3 slices of toast for breakfast…a few shakes through the day…and a monster steak with salad for dinner….and the above noted liquid calories….

30 minutes of uphill running on the treadmill….

Today I lift….I’ll be sweating liquor….there is nothing but that and coffee in me at the moment….

Combatants for this round of the man blog…..

Arthur at 195 and holding

Beagle started at 201.7 and has broken the 200 pound barrier in just a few days….he weighed in at 198 this morning…198!

Ayhan the king of Turkey has nothing to lose….but he is giving it a go…he started at 189.2 and has been down then back up and he now sits at 189 even….I’m not sure if Ayhan is dieting at all…I mean the guy simply has red wine over beer and he dumps a pound a day…..

Parker….FAT…what do you want me to say…255 pounds….measly pounds……

The Spy…..his weight is a secret at this point….it’s a huge number and I’ll post it here daily even if the spy wants to keep it a secret….let’s say 285….to be fair….

Pirouz had his camera out in the gym again last night…there may be a no photo policy but he doesn’t care one bit…158 pounds.  Pirouz and Beagle are the same height if that gives you any reference….I’m just saying….

Vinnie is at it again…he will lose weight for sure now that his Cuban son inlaw has moved in….its chicken and onions every night at the stallions residence….pasta is a thing of the past!  Vin is down to 176 from 179.5….chicken is the secret kids…

The old fart isn’t playing this time around, Trafford is still pissed they swapped the carpet out of Carlingwood for slippery tile…they think a slippery when wet sign means anything to seniors….those son of a B’s are handing out broken hips FFS.

I’m not sure if the senior is secretly shaking it up or not…I suppose 40ish days from now when we are all on the beach we will check out his super old 6 pack…..the oldest ab in the Dominican Republic.

Tomorrow I’ll get a few photos of the fatties….no weigh in….no problem….

007…..get your act together or I’ll melt you on the internet…..I hate to pull photos of the spy from the public domain and attach them onto Jenner’s present physique….to be fair you should consider it.

If you’ve made it this far….I’ll tell you a secret………

I’m madly in love with my wife….she has only been gone a year…………..I miss her every damn day……

I’m trying……I really am….

Babe……I love your face…….

 

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I’ve made a few….

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A friend of mine asked me a few nights ago….What will happen December 17?  What will I do then…..

Well…I guess I just keep on doing what I’m doing….more or less….

On December 18 I’m going to get up and make lunches for the kids…get them to school….it’s a Wednesday so I may play poker with the boys…..

I guess…..I know I will miss Ev December 18…….sadly……

But really, none of us know what we will be doing December 18th, or any other day to come….

Next year will be easier….it will….there won’t be as many firsts….I’ll know what those feel like……….those days without her…

It won’t be my first Christmas without Ev…..but I will have to decide if I’m going to put her gifts back under the tree…..the packages that were carefully wrapped, sitting waiting for her last year……the boxes that were taken from under the tree early xmas morning and brought downstairs…one less reminder for the kids……….probably they will stay downstairs…..in a dark corner…………….

It gives me pause….something to ponder…..I’ve been out with my close friends enough that what I pretend to be sticks…..some of them no longer see my pain….I have almost perfected my camouflage…

The day may come that I don’t wrack every god damned day…….it may……

I’d like to think that on December 18th the man blog becomes about scotch, poker and man diets…..I wish I never sat here and poured my feelings onto this keyboard….

The past 11 months I’ve made a lot of bad decisions…..choices……I’ve made mistakes…..driven by a simple goal…..

To ease the pain……

Sometimes that means forgetting, other moments in rejoice….distractions big and small…some I love and can’t bear to revisit…some I hate and can’t stand to be without…..

All of my moments………all these seconds that tick away without her………..

I don’t think this will be forever…not like this.  I can not…..I simply won’t survive……it’s just too hard……

So…..

So………..

This is it……the man blog has been an outlet for me to describe the feelings I have…..the emotions that I experience…..I can’t survive outside of this small office, away from this computer, feeling this way….or at least letting you see it.  Once I get up from this chair I put on my strong face and get on with it…..I can’t be found at Canadian Tire in tears….it’s embarrassing….so I sit here and try to pour it all out of me in 1 hour……

Then I can spend the next 23 pretending to be someone else………the new Vic?  Perhaps…..I do hope not though….

This week I’m going to try to find myself outside of this room, even in the toughest of situations…….

Now….it’s time to make lunches…..

I’m so lost…..it makes me laugh…..that’s it……….it’s dumbfounding……just lost……

The Quote of The Day

I am the pilot of the storm – adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship – it is my making
And furthermore my self control I can’t rely on anymore

Robert Plant-Ship of Fools

As hard as this is every day, I am blessed with an amazing group of friends….even Pesh….they take very good care of me….too good.

I thank you all for being here with me.  XO

Babe…..I love your face…..I miss you always.

XO

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Well…that was…….

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Okay…..

I’m going to get this under control….I know….

I have been pushing the limits lately.  In many ways….if I stepped on the scale this morning I’d be floored…because I’m sure I’m into the 230’s….

I’m not sure I’ve been eating a pile lately, but what I have been consuming has been pretty bad…

Unhealthy lifestyle choices….as some would say.

The people that see me the most often, see it…and I know I’ve got to reel it in….and it’s going to happen…now.

I have had enough, I woke up this morning refreshed after an early night last night.  A normal human day….and I best have a few more mornings like this…lord knows it’s been a while since I could pile up a couple mornings like this one back to back.

I guess that means I’ll be available to drive to Raymond’s reception tonight….last time I was DD it made for a great drive home…and I’m sure it will tonight.

What does this all mean.  Well to be totally honest I realize I’ve been pushing it to the limit….the limit……that is a line you should not cross…and I have been over the edge.  Luckily I’ve walked this path before, and when the tiny cracks start to appear I am lucky enough to be able to quickly realize it while recovery is still an option…..lucky enough to be able to catch the rope on the way down……

So….let’s not worry about Vic’s darkest days.  Most are self imposed, the result of pushing too hard….for better or worse…and recently worse….

But today is a beautiful day.  Like every other….and I intend to make the most of it.

The quote of the day and a bit of thanks….

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
Hunter S. Thompson

Back to Thompson again…a hero in my youth and a pillar of sanity among the insane….In the end though, I am a lucky man.

I have the great fortune of having amazing friends, too many to list…and a lot of people in this world can’t say the same.

I love you all!

See that….short and sweet!

Babe….I love your face.

 

XO

 

 

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Healthy healing…..

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I gotta say….I have not been 100% lately….and I mean 100% of what I have been….the new me…..

Somehow as I get closer to feeling….normal….I feel the moments more….the terrible feelings….

I chuckle to myself….how strange it sounds to try to explain how I’m feeling….

You see…and I’m going to try to be as honest as I can here so you’ll have to excuse me if this sounds a bit off…..okay…so….

I have found myself drowning a bit lately, and these moments of…..surrender??????   Weakness?????  I don’t know how to explain it, but when the feeling strikes me it’s almost like a fog moving across my life….into it…covering me…..

The greens just don’t seem as green…..and the reds….well they don’t seem as red…..

Things are pale, they have no life…there is no spirit in those moments…..

And my life before was different…..there was so much joy!   The greens and reds were shot out of rockets high into the sky to explode like fireworks….I would be in awe of how vibrant my life was…..it was so good you couldn’t see past it…you couldn’t forget how good it was……..

My life was so good…..I rejoiced within it…………….

And I try now………I try to make the greens greener and the reds redder……and I have found that even in the greenest of green moments………the fog will come….the quicksand will take me….even if for a moment…..

But…the worry is…..how long do I find myself lost in that fog….does it come and go in 5 seconds….or do I end up wallowing quietly for minutes…..losing myself in it…………..

…………………and we break from a flow of thought because the ladies want to learn how to make pancakes….we will see what mess that leaves me with……………..

Back to it then….that is the battle….to get up every day and make the most of it.  It is not easy.  I have to do this for my children, my family and myself….and it seem that getting it done for myself is the toughest part of the puzzle….

You see…..keeping the ladies together is easy…..I use love….and for me, that comes easy…..my family cautiously watch me, looking for cracks, but they know I have strength to hold it together….and I think they believe I will call on them if I really need to….my sister has heard my anguish….she knows the moments when I just need some confirmation that I am making it….that it will work it’s way out….

Myself…..I find myself….I had written scrambling….and hiding….but I’m not sure…..I’m just not sure what I am doing.

I know what I want…..I know I can’t have that.  I know I could find comfort right now….but the cost is still very high…..

The price….

I think my mind protects me….I think part of the grieving process is the ability for your own mind to only allow you to experience so much….just what it thinks you are capable of.

If you choose to push beyond this….you will pay.  The price will be pain…you will grieve….and the quicksand on those days is not a warm blanket of sorrow…….it is 300 pounds sitting on your chest….stealing your breath and locking down your thoughts…..you will wrack……and you will not get away until you forgive yourself from it…….yes you will have to set yourself free……and the only escape will be riding it out on a river of tears……….

So…..there are my thought’s for today…..an attempt to escape where I have found myself recently……

I just want………………………………………..

I used to love to want………….a feeling that was surrounded in joy……..

The things I want these days are impossible to have or impossible to write down here…..they will throw me away………..

The Quote of the Day

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

Tonight we will say so long to Chris as he travels back to the UK tomorrow.  We will celebrate some great times we have shared the past few months….

I will laugh….if my knee wasn’t in taters I would dance……I may sing….

The fog will chase me all night long….sitting in the back of my mind waiting for me to remember who I am, where I am and where I once was……..

I don’t dream much….but I had a fitful nap this afternoon…and I remember my dreams today…..I wrack in my dreams….I cry in my god damned sleep!!!!!!!!

There is no escape for me……when you dream of pain…………………

 

I just want to be better!  I need to get this done……..

 

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