Displaying all posts tagged with loss

With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO

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Another day….another…..day.

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Before I get into the meat and potatoes portion of the man blog, the portion where I entertain myself with photoshoped images of my friends….let’s review…..grief….and life….

I’ve read so many fabulous posts in regards to how other people have dealt with or are dealing with their grief….let it go….like a butterfly in a storm…just keep flapping those wings….glide…..

Guess what…….

And this is going to come as a total shock to some of you………..ready?

Some people DON’T love their spouse…….

I have talked to hundreds of people through this blog, read hundreds of messages, responded to dozens upon dozens….

Some people do not love their spouse……some people don’t love their children…..their pets…..their parents….

Some people do not love …….themselves……

I have personally talked to widows that have told me….no problem….we likely weren’t going to make it anyway…..so, obviously that person is unlikely to experience this journey as I do……

I have personally talked to people that envy me……you get that…..men and women that WISH their spouse would die…..obviously that person is unlikely to experience this journey as I do……

I have personally met men and women that LOVE there lost child, brother, father, sister, mother, aunt, cat and dog….these people have some idea of what the journey is to me…..these people are on a journey of their own…..different….but there is a path like mine.

I am moving forward.  I have moved forward every single day since December 17, 2014.  I will continue to move forward….it will not always be easy, some days I will cry…..I will continue this journey…with love….living to the best of my ability….and I’m telling you right now, my life is pretty big…bigger than most…..I live large, even in agony…………

So…..I suffer….but I live……

The Weigh In

Kevin Parker……..Kevin MF Parker…..

Kevin met me at the gym yesterday unable to straighten his arms….I figured a little light lifting might get him flowing again…well we lifted….and lifted….set after set…again and again…..

Kevin did not whine…..he did not quit…..he was nothing short of an animal….

I am proud of Kevin Parker.  He is sore today, really sore….

watford Kevin Parker

This is what Kevin gets today….Kevin’s weight was unchanged at 252 pounds….but he is on his way.

Beagle

Poker night for Beagle.  He weighed in at 196 pounds this morning, not bad considering.  Beagle says today he plans on sweating….that is going to hurt….

Fat Beagle

Charlie also weighed in this morning at 21 kg, or about 45 pounds….Charlie has enjoyed Wednesday night poker, up 2 pounds since his last visit where the Vet put him on a strict diet…..

Victor…yours truly

Yesterday for breakfast I managed 4 eggs and 6 thin slices of rye, I crushed a few scoops of protein, some creatine, glutamine, and bcaa’s….all of the supplements I am using are from a Canadian company that promises IOC compliance…I’m getting big, I might me stronger today that I was 10 years ago….and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m using anything other than over the counter supplements of the highest standard.

I’m working out hard….really hard….I like to kid around about steroids….but lets be serious, I can hardly stuff myself into an XL shirt as it is……

okay….I then had chicken curry over fries and cheese…chicken curry poutine…at the Heart and Crown, with a beer.  Then poker…2 beers….maybe 4 ounces of scotch….10 meatballs….15 maybe…..2 or 3 chicken thighs….and half bag of doritos…maybe 2/3 of the bag…..

So what is that…..some calories….a few carbs……

I hit the scale this morning at 239.8 pounds….

As long as I’m pushing the weight…..I can eat whatever I’d like.  First week of February we lean out….

Today I break from the gym……or maybe I go in late for a bit of cardio.

Arthur

Arthur is at the gym daily also and has been for about 2 months.  Like me, Arthur is packing on muscle so his weigh in is not as easy as a simple number….

Arthur hit the scale this morning at 193 pounds….Liverpool did manage a tie yesterday which cost Arthur a few pints at the pub….all consumed.

To continue Arthur expose into the Asian culture I offer you this prize.

Andy Zips for free

Andy Zips for free

A little something for everyone in this gift.  Sorry Kev…

Vinnie and Old old Andy Trafford

Vinnie doesn’t really need to lose much weight, but being Italian he does want to look his very best for when we hit the beach in February….I wouldn’t banana hammock myself…but Vinnie….he loves it.

Vinnie weighs in at 177.5, down half a pound….it’s amazing what a good waxing can accomplish.

Old Old Andy Trafford is walking his way into a wafer…Trafford weighed in this morning at 180.5 pounds!

Andy Trafford

I do wonder if blisters are the only thing Andy is getting at Carlingwood……

Pirouz 

Pirouz is at 160 pounds, down a bit but not his low….he wants to lose another 10 pounds…

It won’t be easy….I’ve only seen Pirouz at the gym one time….he is like one of those steroid guys…just walkin around looking big…..or….big???  Wait….no…

Sorry Pirouz….you’ll have to step it up a bit…

pirouz

Ayhan

Ayhan had 2 peanuts yesterday…his weight….183.8 pounds

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I can hear Ayhan now. “Man said, nuts, you like?”

bahahahaha…oh shit… terrible….

The Quote of The Day

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge

This is what it is all about…..this is the man blog….

Lot’s of pictures today….one more….

evelyn kindervater-wheeler

If this isn’t how you feel about life……you’re already gone…..

Babe…..I love your face……..

so what if I wrack…..

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Healthy healing…..

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I gotta say….I have not been 100% lately….and I mean 100% of what I have been….the new me…..

Somehow as I get closer to feeling….normal….I feel the moments more….the terrible feelings….

I chuckle to myself….how strange it sounds to try to explain how I’m feeling….

You see…and I’m going to try to be as honest as I can here so you’ll have to excuse me if this sounds a bit off…..okay…so….

I have found myself drowning a bit lately, and these moments of…..surrender??????   Weakness?????  I don’t know how to explain it, but when the feeling strikes me it’s almost like a fog moving across my life….into it…covering me…..

The greens just don’t seem as green…..and the reds….well they don’t seem as red…..

Things are pale, they have no life…there is no spirit in those moments…..

And my life before was different…..there was so much joy!   The greens and reds were shot out of rockets high into the sky to explode like fireworks….I would be in awe of how vibrant my life was…..it was so good you couldn’t see past it…you couldn’t forget how good it was……..

My life was so good…..I rejoiced within it…………….

And I try now………I try to make the greens greener and the reds redder……and I have found that even in the greenest of green moments………the fog will come….the quicksand will take me….even if for a moment…..

But…the worry is…..how long do I find myself lost in that fog….does it come and go in 5 seconds….or do I end up wallowing quietly for minutes…..losing myself in it…………..

…………………and we break from a flow of thought because the ladies want to learn how to make pancakes….we will see what mess that leaves me with……………..

Back to it then….that is the battle….to get up every day and make the most of it.  It is not easy.  I have to do this for my children, my family and myself….and it seem that getting it done for myself is the toughest part of the puzzle….

You see…..keeping the ladies together is easy…..I use love….and for me, that comes easy…..my family cautiously watch me, looking for cracks, but they know I have strength to hold it together….and I think they believe I will call on them if I really need to….my sister has heard my anguish….she knows the moments when I just need some confirmation that I am making it….that it will work it’s way out….

Myself…..I find myself….I had written scrambling….and hiding….but I’m not sure…..I’m just not sure what I am doing.

I know what I want…..I know I can’t have that.  I know I could find comfort right now….but the cost is still very high…..

The price….

I think my mind protects me….I think part of the grieving process is the ability for your own mind to only allow you to experience so much….just what it thinks you are capable of.

If you choose to push beyond this….you will pay.  The price will be pain…you will grieve….and the quicksand on those days is not a warm blanket of sorrow…….it is 300 pounds sitting on your chest….stealing your breath and locking down your thoughts…..you will wrack……and you will not get away until you forgive yourself from it…….yes you will have to set yourself free……and the only escape will be riding it out on a river of tears……….

So…..there are my thought’s for today…..an attempt to escape where I have found myself recently……

I just want………………………………………..

I used to love to want………….a feeling that was surrounded in joy……..

The things I want these days are impossible to have or impossible to write down here…..they will throw me away………..

The Quote of the Day

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

Tonight we will say so long to Chris as he travels back to the UK tomorrow.  We will celebrate some great times we have shared the past few months….

I will laugh….if my knee wasn’t in taters I would dance……I may sing….

The fog will chase me all night long….sitting in the back of my mind waiting for me to remember who I am, where I am and where I once was……..

I don’t dream much….but I had a fitful nap this afternoon…and I remember my dreams today…..I wrack in my dreams….I cry in my god damned sleep!!!!!!!!

There is no escape for me……when you dream of pain…………………

 

I just want to be better!  I need to get this done……..

 

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Days go by….

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Well here we are….the man blog….

Just minutes ago I thought I’d get all the weights together and craft up a fat man man blog….something of a celebration of life, the discussion of beer and egg rolls and the resulting weights after applying too much of both to the adult man’s body….

Well, that is exactly what I’m going to do here today, right after this….

I just need to celebrate my wife for one moment….I’m missing her terribly every minute and I must shed a tear or 2 before I get on with my day….

Luckily for me….I’m already wracking….just thinking about her……

Syd’s piano teacher told me this week that in 15 years, teaching piano on 2 continents, he has never…..ever….met a student like Sydney.   He used to describe her as talented….but now he uses words like phenom.

He goes on to explain that in 6 lessons he notices that she has the ability to play keys until she figures out the tune….she can go back 5 or 10 notes when she is learning and come back to try other chords……

This is easy for Syd….she is smart like her mother…..

I used to tell Ev how smart she was….but she had been pushed down too hard in her past…..she couldn’t believe it when I told her I thought she was smarter than I was….to her I seemed so wise….

I was wise enough to know she was smarter….and I’m wise enough to know Syd is too.

Lucky for Syd….I’ll never let her be put down……

I’ve got such a long way to go with these ladies….it isn’t going to be easy as we all dig in to their teenage years….but I’m here to do the work, and I’ll do the best I can for them.

And my love……….

Babe…..I miss you so much.

evelyn kindervater wheeler

I am not enjoying this as much as I’m supposed to!  I am not…………

Obesity…..

Today I weigh in at 229.8 pounds, no good!  I didn’t even have my normal 6 beers after soccer….because I didn’t go to soccer….I may have crushed an extra 1000 food calories just before bed though, destroying a hamburger and 2 huge slices of pita with hummus…..

I was busy in the garage and might have missed a meal…..

So I punched the old weight into the BMI calculator today and I’m almost obese….just a half point away…hell a few months ago I squeaked into the normal range…I wasn’t even considered fat on the BMI scale.

How to get back under 215…fat bugger…..

Well…that’s only 15 pounds….I can lose that right….I’ve done that before….

Wait….what is that…a quick pint at the pub with the boys….every day….

It would be easier if the boys and I weren’t so busy celebrating life, something I don’t want to pass up these days….

So 229.8 it is today, obese or not.

Victor Wheeler Andy Trafford Kevin Parker
Old Trafford has an iwatch….he cant read it…he has no idea what the screen says…but he can use it to trigger a photo, and look…great success

There we see Trafford, down today at a svelte 170.5 pounds…he is rocking the bottom…

Parker on the other hand, like me, is peaking…he weighed in at 252 pounds, not good.

We may as well touch base on the birthday boy Donald, he wanted to lose 20 pounds by now….I’m not sure he is down an ounce…we will have to see if he is still in this race.

Boyling is still losing….he is down to an impossible 191.1 and the other light weight Beagle is at 189.7 after a week of cottaging…aka…beer and bbq….

Another suffering the effects of the summer is Seamus, up to 266 after almost seeing the 250’s.

I won’t bother throwing that into the BMI calculator….we already know which way the arrow will be pointing…

Anyway….I really will try to be reasonable with the manger this week…and maybe with the glug also….

The Quote of The Day

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain

I like to believe most of my close friends are attempting to live life to the fullest, or doing their best at it.  We all have things that are holding us back….I miss my wife….that does have an affect on what I do….but it doesn’t stop me from trying….I do seek to live fully again….

Sadly, I’m not prepared to die….if I had to go I’m pretty sure I would accept it.  I’d count the days I had left to love my babies….to try to prepare them for what was ahead of them in life…..and like Ev, I would grieve for Charlotte……..

There we go…..let’s wrack a bit more…..

Anyway….let’s live…..let’s get on with it…….

Live and Love…..that’s is the hokey pokey is all about….putting your whole self in!

Babe….I love your god damn face!!!!!

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Another day in paradise????

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Another day in paradise????

For whatever reason…last night was one of a few nights I couldn’t sleep in weeks….maybe over a month…

I’ve been sleeping perfectly…I mean better than ever…I’ve had 8 hour nights!!!  Something I don’t think I’ve done in 20 years.

Now…when I first closed my eyes around midnight and my mind started racing…I thought…well might as well hit the light and read a bit….but I decided against it and managed to fall asleep…and up at 4….no good….

Today I will attempt to steal a nap…and waste time I’d rather spend doing other things…..

I did hot yoga last night, that usually puts me right out, but after I went for a quick run…the attempt to get the old weight down…

At least that was a success…I managed my weight loss goal for the day…I lost 5 pounds yesterday.

Today I weighed in at 227.6 pounds.  I plan on being down another 5 by monday morning….and then back into the teens next week….depending on how long I can stave off the beers…

You see it isn’t necessarily the beers that make me gain weight…but after a few beers….those nachos start to look inviting…..

Andy trafford, Victor Wheeler, Kevin Parker, Sean Russett

Now I’ve heard there is a new phenomenon where women are attracted to men with bellies…Dad Bod’s….

Well ladies…get ready….

Sadly…I think it’s a hoax….the ladies are secretly chuckling away as they pack theatres to watch Magic Mike….

So…we all attempt to get into the same shape as Channing Tatem’s butcher, because let’s be serious….there is little chance I have the time…energy…or want to have a six pack at this point in my life….

Hell….Parker just wants to see his willy without having to stand on a mirror…..

With that…Parker offers up a weight of 252 pounds today….I lie I’m afraid…he is no where near a scale and I think he is closer to 255….Parker my dear friend will face the 260’s again at this rate……he is out more than Elton John…..

Boyling and Seamus are both steady at 194.1 and 269 respectively…I suppose Canada Day remnants are keeping them on the up side….at least it isn’t a gain….  Both of these guys have already dropped a ton of weight…I know Boyling hit the isagenix…I’ll have to see what Seamus was up to….just less might have been enough….

But guess what guys….the old metabolism isn’t stupid…you starve…it slows down….better get yourself eating steady on some veg or sit down to one big feast to kick yourself back into gear…..

Trafford is down again…174.4, that’s 2.4 pounds yesterday….he must be on the water….or the shakes….

Beagle managed just .2 pounds of weight loss, but it’s something…….every little bit counts.

Here it is:

Vic   229    -1.4 pounds

Beagle 187.8   -17.2

Trafford    174.4  +3.6

Boyling   194.1    -9.4

Seamus     269    -16

Parker    252   +4   ++I’m sure

 

So that means only Trafford and Parker are still on the upside since we started this diet what….has it been two months….one plus for sure….

Today my goal is to drop 2 more pounds….not sure how I’m going to manage that on zero sleep……

The Quote of The Day

Somebody who can reckon with the past, who can live with the past in the present, and move towards the future – that’s fabulous.
Bruce Springsteen

I gotta tell ya…I’m not sure yet…..

I haven’t quite made it here…the now….sure I lie…I pretend that I have arrived to face my future….but no….

And I find more and more lately that I want to run screaming into a dark space and hide…..it’s impossible of course….

Charlotte and I gave each other our belly kisses last night….something she picked up in the womb as one day she simply asked her mother for one….just as I asked for one on my third date with Ev….

In my house….something is missing…..we all live without it……………I hate it…..and now Syd has turned to listening to the same sad songs as me….she calls me into the room to listen to a song she loves….and it’s one I tracked down weeks ago for lonely drives and quiet moments……..

Yesterday a hummingbird flew into my garage…it stared at me for just a split second…eye to eye….then off it went….I’ve faced this little guys a few times in my life….and it’s always a wonderful moment….staring into the tiny eyes of that beautiful little bird…..

I wrack now…………..

Babe…..I miss you so much……….

I was so happy then…………………………

Have a great day, it looks like it’s going to be beautiful!

XO

 

 

 

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Another Day…Done….

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Another Day…Done…

Yesterday was not my worst day…not by a long shot….of course…

Oh I poured tears….wracked….but that is life….my life….

Let’s start with this morning, a beautiful day….I woke up with an extra $200 in my pocket from poker…I’ve turned that around and have started winning….and you know what, I kept my consumption of alcohol at a very respectable level and find myself without a hint of a hangover this morning…a miracle when sipping burnt bourbon lemonades….

I thought I might come undone at poker last night, call in a snow day and bury myself…but I didn’t feel the need….sitting with a bunch of good old boys, my friends…playing a bit of cards and poking fun at one another at a level that only these kind of guys can dish out and take….

Which brings me to the first thing I realized this morning….okay…maybe I’ve known it, and talked about it before….I’ve even written about it in late night man blogs that remain unsent….yes there are man blogs that I write and do not post….but my point is this….

I hang out with 20 guys…I consider friends….and oddly enough, almost every one of them is exactly alike….to define them, well to many they may come across as…simply assholes….loud….smartass…confident….outspoken…..

None of my friends pull any punches…they tell it like it is….

You know what else my friends do….each and every one of these guys……..

Love

Almost every one of them loves them self and the people around them….and they are not afraid to let it be known….

I love them….Ev did too….some don’t…some people don’t get them….but we do….

So boys…XO…thanks for everything you do to help me out…

There we go….a little praise for the guys…

I do this because I do hear that people consider me a strong man….honorable…loving….but I’m not in this alone……

What else did we figure out today…well…Charlotte decided to go to school this morning at 9am after I was going to let her stay home.  She pitter pattered into my office and asked me when it was time for school and when I told her I was letting her stay home today she ordered me up with a “Get me dressed!”

Such a cute kid….

And off we went to her classroom.  Today I didn’t poor tears in the halls of learning….nope I fought my tears enough that I was able to have a bit of a conversation with Carol on my way out rather than my normal fast exit head down…..

But I did fight my tears, and I realize I always will…always….

For the rest of my days if I think about Ev I will feel sadness….forever….

But so what…..that is me….moving forward that is me….and I am moving forward……….

I sat with Ev at her grave yesterday, ate a sandwich, read a bit of a novel…..and….well I said a few words and wondered what Ev would be saying to me…..

And you know what I came up with…..visit often…..but live….stay a short while, and get back home to the babies….live and love….to the fullest…..

So….here I am….wracking as usual….

But I will live and love to the fullest…….

The Quote Of The Day

The happiest people seem to be those who have no particular cause for being happy except that they are so.
William Ralph Inge

Be happy…get up and work on that….it’s more important than anything else…..

So…The good old man blog will include weigh ins next week, it will not be just the widower blog….I’m going to pull Seamus into the mix too, he needs a push…and so do I.  Beagle is down half his body weight so I have some catching up to do.

Remember kids….be nice to each other….love…..it’s just so nice to feel love….go ahead….

I hope you all have a great day!

Babe…thank you for making me better…I love you for helping me be this man…..

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You Can Pray…But You’ll Get Nothing For It…

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You Can Pray…But You’ll Get Nothing For It…

How has the man blog been?  Funny….that’s good…it’s been fun the past week writing it…it’s fun now…

I had a great night last night, Beagles birthday party…

Such a joyous event…a great night….Today I’ll be recovering…

And I’ll pick up the ladies…get them back here for some hugs!

So…where am I right now….

I’m in such a weird space…sometimes so much better and sometimes…simply not…

I prayed to Ev to take me last night….and that makes me so sad….wishing she would bring me with her………….

Because even when I’m having what seems like the time of my life….it isn’t….

I’m going to pick up the ladies tonight….

And then I’m going to hide out for a couple of days….quietly….

I’m okay….I just want to chill out in my own space for a few days……

The Quote of The Day

I like the idea of being alone. I like the idea of often being alone in all aspects of my life. I like to feel lonely. I like to need things.
Robert Plant

I’m not alone….I’m fine….

I’m just taking a couple days of quiet solitude….no texts…no pub….no beer…and I guess no carbs…

Weigh in Friday.

Thanks to the Russett’s for having me over, thanks to Rob for the laughs.  Thanks to all of my friends for putting up with this…

XO

Babe…I’m good, you know….miss you every minute……

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Eh…Sunny Days…

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Eh…Sunny Days…

What’s a man to do…it’s sunny…lunch on a patio…what’s one beer…

Well here at the man blog one beer….and let’s say 20 cookies…amounts to just under half a pound gained….for your’s truly.

Ya…things did go sideways around lunch.   Even though I had a reasonable breakfast, and I ordered a tuna taco for lunch…there may have been a drink or two as a follow up…

Just 2….

That wasn’t the obvious problem, no…the problem was the cookies for sure…I did have 20 of those crunchy little ikea cookies, let’s have a look at the box and see what that amounts to….

Well sir…looks like I crushed 700 calories, 35 grams of fat and about 100 carbs….in 20 skinny little crispy cookies from ikea….

Now we know exactly why I weigh in this morning at 226.6 pounds….

And it’s poker Wednesday…never good…..

Maybe scotch tonight….or water…or wait….scotch with water on the side….water with scotch…..you get the idea…

The disturbing photo of the day….no weigh in from Trafford or Parker….this is going to be painful!

okay here goes…now, a reminder, missing the man blog weigh in comes with the punishment of….and I understand the un–political correctness as well as the other social issues involved in this…but…

Let it be known, I am in no way a homophobe, and am using gay porn vhs covers because….it is funny….I believe a few of my gay friends are reading this and are having a good laugh…

Anyway, todays search for gay vhs cover brought me this little tid bit….not a vhs cover at all and I don;t think this has anything to do with gayness….but feast your eyes on…….THIS!

Kevin Parker, Andy Trafford, Sean Russett, Victor Wheeler, Richard Boyling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure why this gets thrown into that search…but there it is.

Boyling…sorry about your placement up there but your head is currently a perfect circle….so it just made sense!

Anyway where were we…the weigh in….

Beagle is down again to 203.8 pounds…I haven’t got the low down on his diet this round, I will find out tonight at poker.

To be fair to Richard Boyling he actually started at 203.5….so he did send in a weigh in the other day….lol…sorry about the porn….

Trafford….lost somewhere at the pharmacy….it seems every time he goes in there to pick up his Viagara he ends up locked in the bathroom for 2 or 3 days….Andy….these public washrooms are no place for shenanigans….

Let’s hope Trafford is back out making rounds at Carlingwood soon.

Parker, the man that sucked me into this round of dieting….is at the Heart and Crown right now, steak eggs and Keiths….

wtf kind of diet are we up to boys….

Anyway…today I’ll try to take it more seriously…I have to lay hardwoord in the bedroom….on a sunny day….to much to do…must get it done…

Victor: 226.2  -2.8

Beagle: 203.5  -1.5

Andy: 172.5  +1.5

Parker: 247  -2

Boyling: 202  -1.5

The Quote of The Day

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry

That is the truth…take a look at the ingredients in that loaf of bread you just had a slice of….even the coffee you drink is not just bean anymore….

But we’ll drink it with a low fat milk substitute made for us in a factory somewhere….

We are lost….

Anyway…those of you that stuck through this for the grief….congrats…I cried in bed this morning.  I’ll thank my good friend Mary for that.  No fault of hers….I love her for reminding me how much I miss and love my wife….

I’ll wrack just a second now……

You see….I do go on living…but as I said to Mary…it just isn’t going to be as fun as it once was…..

Some of the glitter has gone….

AND I HATE THAT….

but you know what….maybe some people never get the glitter……maybe I’m just sad because I’ve been lucky….the biggest loser.

I hope you all have a great day….

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Time…Days…Months….

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Time…Days…Months….

Syd stared at the calendar yesterday morning before school….stared at the date…April 3rd.

I know….I feel that pain…..I know she is in a terrible place.

I hug her up…I tell her I love her…I tell her I know it’s hard…..

I also offer her counseling, which she declines yet again….I don’t know if she will be willing to try that until she is grown up….if ever…

Syd is not doing well these days….I do try to fill the gaps….but I can’t.  I do better than anyone else can….I love these girls harder than anyone else on the planet….

And they know that….which is good…………..and bad……

That must be hard on them, deep down inside……

I do remember being a young man though, my father not around…..the water does pass under that bridge…

But it isn’t final……..it isn’t this….

Where am I at?  I’m where I am….LOST…….

Am I any better than I was December 17th…honestly….no….

Somedays I’m worse……

I woke up today, opened my eyes…thinking I would be fine…I would craft this man blog without crying….it’s been long enough that I should be able to sit down here and type without wracking…….

I don’t know if I will ever be capable of that……likely never……..

I know I’ve said this 100 times….I said it to a passing friend yesterday….at the end of the driveway….

I loved her too much………

Yep….that’s it……

I will wrack…………..

the pack from tara fairhead

who wouldn’t………….

Listen kids….many of you that read this have photos of my wife….on facebook…..moments I haven’t seen….take a moment to tag us both in those please……….I don’t want to miss a thing….

okay…..I’m under now………

Babe…..I love you….see you soon………….

The Quote of The Day

Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.
Willa Cather

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face….I know why I can’t remember anything these days….and I consider, will remembering a certain date, a name, a number…will those memories take the place of another…..

I HATE IT……..

Regardless of what I say…what I do…how I seem when you see me on the street or at the pub….on my best day…..

I’m terrible!  Simple………..

I just want it to stop…….

 

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SLEEEEEEEEEP……

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Nothing to see here….sleepless in Ottawa

How is it possible to sleep just 3 short hours last night….it happens….I hit the sack around 11 last night, read until I thought I could close my eyes and drift away….it was after midnight,

Up at 3 am……….

Is 3 hours a survivable minimum for sleep….it’s happening….my chest hurts….I’m tired….

after lunch today I’m going to run a couple of miles….see if I can grab a nap after I pick the kids up from school…..

Oh well…it’s Friday.  The end of a super tough week for me, yesterday I was reflecting on my depression this week, likely the worst I’ve had as far as back to back days of gloom goes.  I mean I’ve had bad days, so many I can’t keep track, but they normally come alone, one at a time….I either fight them away or find hope in something…but this week even the somethings seemed to tangle me up and settle in with the quicksand….

Hon….I’m tired…………………………….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry………

I don’t know weak…..I can’t do this…..okay…..

first days of school

Charlotte’s first day of school….my love………

Charlotte had Canskate last night….I fought tears at the rink the entire time, sad that Ev couldn’t be there, knowing how proud she would be to see Charlotte getting better, stronger, making me so proud….

After I finished the morning shuffle yesterday I went upstairs to try to sleep….I took Ev’s pillow still in it’s pillowcase out of another pillowcase that protects it….and tried to sleep….the texture of it a comfort?  It didn’t matter…as soon as I close my eyes I search from her….

I don’t find her though…dreams of her have come to me once or twice…but when I search…I find hospital beds………empty…….

tired…..wracking…..

Yep, the man blog….what a joy…..what stage of grief are we at today kids?  Hmmmmm?

Anyway…today will be better….today will be the start of better days……….

I’m TIRED!!!!!!

Fat….

The impossible task of losing weight this week I’ll blame on all the crap you read above….tired.

When I’m tired I eat….fueling my body and mind constantly to keep ticking….

What did I eat yesterday?   Chili, bagel, a steak, 2 cups of raw veg, 2 pogos, a handful of chocolates, and after 9 pm with Beagle as my witness I ate a slice of pizza and 6….no 7 egg rolls….

Plus, 2 ounces of scotch.

What do I weigh in at?  Well yesterday I was 215 pounds so today I should be what?  220 maybe?Victor Wheeler

How about 215 pounds…ya, makes no sense to me either…

This folks is the miracle of stress on the human body.  I ate 10 thousand calories yesterday and my weight did not change…that was the number of calories I needed just to get through it…lol…it amazes me….

Well, we fly in 9 days and I’m somehow going to get myself under 210…so I have to lose at least 6 more pounds…looking at my photo I better hit the situps….

I can’t very well ask the boys for a weigh in right now, in the 4 am range…so I’ll go with yesterdays report.

Our favorite senior is down to 167.8, 2.8 pounds away from his target.  He is craving poutine…

I think a man of his years should watch his intake of cheese and gravy, maybe a few dates with that?  Anyway, I’m sure today is going to see him down half a pound, he just has to lose that every day and he will be under….

Parker…his last update was 244 pounds, that’s just 5 pounds away from his goal with 9 days to go!

Beagle proclaimed last night that he is still on vacation until after family day….does that mean he plans to continue his diet even now…after the beach?  We shall see….

Me…can I possibly punish myself these last days to get under 210?  I have plans for lunch today….a salad maybe….after that…10,000 calories….

I want to lose the weight….some day soon I start the anarchy workout…just waiting on the mailman….

The Quote of The Day

I am a generous man, by nature, and far more trusting than I should be. Indeed. The real world is risky territory for people with generosity of spirit. Beware.
Hunter S. Thompson

A high school kid was kind enough to plow into the back of my pickup at the school this week.  Her father called me and I told him I wouldn’t worry about my scratched and dented bumper but I would like a new tail light lens….he thanked me….now I wonder if maybe a guy who sends his 16 year old to high school driving an Acura is better equipped to pay for my bumper than I am….very likely….but generosity of spirit right Hunter…..

Anyway…I told him to take it easy on the kid….let’s hope my bumper bought her some relief….

I thank the boys, keeping me going, I don’t deserve to be surrounded by such a great group of friends….my neighbors…and Sarah…and who ever dropped off muffins yesterday, I can’t make out the name on the card…they aren’t exactly as Ev would have done them, yes they have no processed ingredients and are sugar free, but my darling might have burnt them just a bit….she was learning…

Babe….I’d give the world for you to make me a burnt muffin right now…..

wracking……

How does thinking about how bad someone was at baking make a person cry…….come on…..

I love your FACE!Z  k,

…………

if you slam your fist down onto a keyboard you get a Z k, this morning….ya stage of grief…Denial… check, Anger….yes, Bargaining…you bet, Depression….of course, and last but not least, Acceptance…here…  Okay, so that’s every day, all five….you think I need a therapist to walk me through this and burn my money…no…that’s what all of you are here for….well not the burning money part…..

Wait…wait….Herzog….you have a great day…

Oh ya…the poet…I appreciate it….another moment of reflection….another tear…you have a great day too…..

cold….

I hope you all have a great day!

out…..

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