Displaying all posts tagged with loser

The Push…..

Download PDF

This man blog started days ago….this first bit….

…………………………………………………………………….

As the ship sinks a decision needs to be made….sink…..or swim and sink….

Do you continue to tread water…..or do you get sucked into the dark murk that awaits you inevitably….

The joys of the late night man blog…a scoundrel looking through the sewer grate…..tormenting…punishing……….

This weekend past like many have….long years ago…..it’s been a long time since I felt like this person…….a success perhaps….I wanted to get back to who I was, and I think I did the best I can at this time….

That leaves me here…..typing away at the man blog….empty…..I’ve drained myself via the mantra….I don’t care…..

Empty and dark I’ll make my way….head held high…unafraid…I won’t spill any tears….my eyes will boil away any trouble……

I’ve done it!  I’ve managed to lie cheat and steal to get to this point…..the loser….me….

Now the choice….continue….hold the rail for dear life as the boat sinks below the surface…..deep breaths….just one more…..or push away….too late to escape the inevitable pull as everything falls away…………

……………………………………………………………………

I’m not sure where I am right now, the evolution of Vic is a tough thing to manage….

There are things you are, feelings you have…and there are things you want to be……..emotions you want to feel….

I have always been a fixer…..I work at making things work…..it could be a flat tire……or a life……

I’ve failed a few times….I couldn’t fix Ev……..and I can’t seem to fix myself……

wracking…..and I don’t want to wrack…..but I have to get it out….I’ve managed well recently….

I survived 10 months….

I turned myself off…..I let the quicksand dry up….freeze solid….I stood upon it uncaring….empty……..

Is that what I want to be…..is that my easy way out…..

I’m so lost right now.  I simply don’t understand where I am at…I find myself going through what I’ve read about grief to try to figure out how I’m doing….where I’m at….here, not believing in the common stages of grief searching them for answers…

What a mess…….

Anyway….does this get published…..sent out to be read, dissected, commented on…..

Feeling better by making myself worse…….less…..

What happens next……what do I become….where will I be……..

375 days ago I started the greatest failure of my life…………..I guess I’ll be counting down those days…….and the days after……for how long will I count these days………………

I want to hide these things…..I do most of the time…..looking at me on the street I don’t seem lost……….but I am….broken….I have no idea…….I’m just going through the motions….trying to figure it out…..me….my cure……………..

I’m sorry………I am………

How did I get back to this……..

VIEW ONE COMMENT