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Another week…another pound…

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Wednesday night poker kids…the great undoing of the middle ages…

Russett

The Beagle had a busy Wednesday…up $400 I believe.  Before I left he had demolished 4 slices of pizza and a half pound of chicken wings….

Sean Russett
The next morning he offered up a weight of 195 even…amazing really….

He has been under 200 pounds for over a week!  He must have starved himself hard all day Wednesday to crush 5000 calories of doughy pizza, sauce and chicken bits to end up at 195.

Sean Russett
I mean….seriously…I could do a collage of this from Wednesday night…

If that isn’t enough to turn your stomach…he just offered me a Friday morning update…..

194.4

I may have some competition on this bucket of KFC after all!

He lost just over half a pound yesterday…wings for dinner, chicken for lunch and a shake for breakfast…he didn’t workout or hit the sauna….

Krista

Krista is now one week away from the wedding she was hoping to drop a few pounds for…there were a few obstacles….life isn’t easy…and poutine does get in the way once in a while.

Set aside a bachelorette party and laying the blame on her ‘feeder’ of a husband she is now telling me the reason why she has not dropped weight is due to poutine….

I can hear those gravy soaked curds now….just laying there on a bed of greasy fries….”get over here you!  Get me in your belly”

Yep…blame it on the poutine….it will overpower the best of us!

Krista offered up 152.6, and I quote “which is better than the 155 yesterday! K got to get back under 150 for the wedding next week! No more beer or poutine (which I dived into Sat night at midnight!)”

Yep…..Poutine….
Just to clarify….those are Man Boobs….

man boobs are not pornography….

The original for clarificationKrista-Sweating

As I’m writing this Krista just offered me a wonderful update…

She actually should be the quote of the day but I’ll try to come up with something a bit more awe-inspiring that this

Krista,”152.2 which is surprising as the feeder came home with treats from England. They are gone now and I plan to start running again tomorrow…”

I’m not making this up….the feeder has returned and all she can do is think about running now that she has demolished all the UK bonbons!

LOL….

But you know what….152.2 is something….

Moving right along…..

Glen

Mr. Walton has been to the Greco 3 times this week…he claims to be in an enormous amount of agony….which I’m sure he is…

Glen started off his journey to weight loss at 259 pounds…and if one thing many of the participants at the man blog have learned over the past decade….that first 5 pounds should drop like a DQ cone on a 40 degree day…

Well…after a week of hard work at Greco Glen has managed to lose 2 pounds….

Yes folks he hammered out a weigh in of 257 pounds this morning.  glen walton

You see…you can go to Greco…you can push your absolute hardest…but max calories burnt per hour….under 200…

Yep….it’s the old…it’s what goes in that makes the real difference…

Glen and I had a conversation at the end of my driveway earlier this week in which he attempted to tell me that johnny walker red was just 5 calories per fluid ounce…

Well….sadly…that just ain’t it.

Every and all alcoholic beverages have about 110 calories minimum.

I wish it wasn’t so….but it is.

So dear Glen…you’ll have to keep those cals below 2000 to lose a pound a week.  I’d aim for 1600 if I were you and hope for the best.

The lower you go….the more you will lose.  Pay close attention to the fact that a donut sized steak has about 1/6 the calories of an actual donut and your body will use 75% of those steak calories just to digest the steak.

Seamus Browne

Seamus was on the street yesterday….I did not see him….he did have a bottle of grey goose with him….He doesn’t drink the stuff….he takes it downtown to try to exchange it for Tim Hortons roll up the rim tabs announcing a free donut….

It’s the currency of many street people downtown….the wounded by social injustice might be going through the bin at Tim’s looking for cast aside winners…and Seamus not wanting to ruin his expensive new tent….errrr…shit I mean…rather trade vodka for a dozen of these stubs….

And while we are on the topic of stubs….quit the smokes already….I mean donuts and slushies are one thing….but a pack of smokes a day on top of it…..

Seamus offered up a weigh in of 402 pounds.  Just up 2 this week.

Richard

Today is weigh in day for Richard although it’s a wee bit early to have the crane operator stop by and get him on his feet.

Hopefully we can get an update from the big fellow today…but until then I’ll offer you up this….

Richard D'Aoust
It seems today I’ll be getting updates from everyone while I’m writing their tidbit…

Sometimes the Universe offers up such gifts and today I’ve been blessed with glorious insight from both Krista and the big man (or should I say second biggest now that Seamus has seriously crushed it)…

Richard offered me up this just this second…again…a quote…

“Well the good news and the bad news scale is 373.4 but I’m on my way to sign up for gym membership as we speak.  Starting Monday.  So oct is big month for me.  Thanks for staying of top of me. I need this”

A couple things I’d like to point out from that message.

  1.  Richard has not given up
  2.  He is still down some weight
  3. This is not fat shaming…this is being accountable and for some it is a great way to be motivated!

There is one tiny issue….Richard is planning to go to the Plyomax….and don’t get me wrong…it’s very nice.  BUT….the equipment is not set up for a big guy.  Even at my 6’2″ 240 ish size I find the equipment just isn’t big enough…

Richard is taller than me and….twice my size….I feel like Scott Cainnes when I’m standing beside Richard….

Anyway….Richard…it’s all about what goes into your belly….not how much sweat comes out of your pores….

Seniore Donald

Donald is still hard at the bulk stage of his weight game.  He only gained one pound in the last few days….muscle just isn’t as easy to come by as fat.

Andy Trafford dbol

I’m sure these little blue pills are helping or Scottish entry…unlike it’s look alike Viagra, dbol will not do any good with erections…

I’m not sure what Don will be doing about his Jaun.

I hope for the best.  I’ll be in touch with Donald over the weekend to get a full update on his medicated approach to weight gain.

Yours Truly

I managed 234.8 this morning.  On Wednesday after poker I ate a bagel with cream cheese, 2 slices of toast buttered with marmalade, a half huge bag of tostitos and 100 jujubes….

ummm….carb loading…ya that’s it!

I have been running and lifting weights this week, I’ll actually attempt my 3rd 5k of the week as soon as I’m done with todays man blog.

I have decided to continue losing past thanksgiving.  My goal is to hit 205 by new years….Just 10 pounds per month….

I haven’t weighed 205 in 10 years at least.  But I think I have myself set up for success at this point, I have a good meal plan and am working out just enough to pull it together…

Next month I’ll head back to the gym too….just need to set down a bit of weight at home first….I get embarrassed if I’m not lifting heavy at the gym…..

The Quote of The Day

Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up.
Allen Klein

I have known days…months…without color.  When the color leaves your life you really do have to work to bring it back.

Sitting here writing about so many gray days did help.  I still have moments where the color isn’t as bright as it could be…everyone does.  I work hard to make sure those moments are short…..

And I know that the brightest colored days are a gift…a present I offer myself simply by opening up myself to accept all the great things I have in my life….

Mushy…you bet…

But in these lives we live…all we have is the world we live in, our family and friends and the ability to enjoy those things to the fullest….

And that kids….is going to be up to you.  Choose to see the colors.

Babe….I love you.

Geez….almost cried there….time to punish myself with a run.

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Busy Busy…too busy to lose weight?

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Not many updates last week…just too much on the go to sit and pound keys…

First up….a new contestant…

GLEN

Mr. Walton has decided it’s time for a mid life diet.  He offered up a facebook post with a selfie and a weigh in….and…he gave me the nod to add him to the man blog.

Glen weighs in at 259 pounds…I’m not sure he looks it…but he is a bit more pear shaped than his peers….and at just 120 pounds less than Richard and 200 pounds lower than Seamus…he has his work cut out for him!

Since this is Glen’s first day I’m going easy on him.


This is Glen at 259….it doesn’t seem bad…but he wants to drop a few pounds so he has signed himself up to Greco…

Greco….this can work….the issue with Greco…and every other workout plan for that matter….self motivation….

You want to make serious changes….you’re going to have to push….it will have to hurt….

I mean…you can’t shampoo your own hair hurt…..

SEAMUS

I don’t know what to say about Seamus…I’ve tried to offer him some advice…alas…a pack of smokes a day…A Big Mac with 2 large fries….a bag of doritos and a 2 litre coke for dinner.

Seamus broke 400 pounds this past weekend….they are considering replacing his bedroom door with the french style as he is having trouble getting through the current 36″ opening they had enlarged just 6 months ago…..

I’ll have another talk with him…..

KRISTA

UP!  Krista attended a bachelorette this past weekend and offered up a weigh in of 154 pounds….a new high!

So without Krista’s ‘feeder’ she has managed to pack it on in just one weekend out with the ladies….and I thought this sort of fluctuation was limited to those of us over 200 pounds….I stand corrected.

Hopefully Krista is thinking about sweating facebook selfies….

RUSSETT

Beagle is down a bit…offering up 195.4 pounds after an hour in the sauna….

I wonder how much of this thin man’s weight loss is sweat and sweat alone…not Krista sweat….sauna sweat….

Russett has been known for his creative workouts…..but he is down….a bit.


DONALDINIO

Donny has it easy…bulking up….so fun…so easy….

Me…I wouldn’t hit the needles…but to each there own.  Donald is up 3 pounds….solid muscle….

He weighed in this weekend and offered up 140 pounds even.  He has been packing on pounds even faster than Seamus I think….

I do worry about the medicine…maybe it’s not as bad as smokes and doritos…but I do worry about his man berries…


YOURS TRULY

I went for a run yesterday….yep….I managed 5km….it wasn’t pretty and my knees are screaming.  It was one of those walk/run deals but I did do the run portion hard…painfully so.

I’m going to attempt a bit of a run every other day…and today…a bit of lifting like my buddy Donald….no juice though….high in sugar.

Do I dare tell my weight this morning…..no…..but yesterday morning I was just a peck over 240 pounds….as usual.

When I hit the scale yesterday I thought I’d be buying KFC for sure….but then…Russett offered his weigh in…I think I can catch him….and Richard…..I’m going to take him too….

RICHARD

The big man…second only to Seamus I should say…offered up his weight yesterday…a slender 372.7

He is down from a start weight of 388…his goal is 350 by November 1st….that is going to make for a sad Hallows Eve….

I haven’t seen much of the man….hiding out I suppose….we shall cross the street and check in on his cookie stash later today.

The Quote of The Day

Life is short, and it is up to you to make it sweet. ~Sarah Louise Delany

That kids…is an important fact….

Also true is that everyone’s sweet is different…so live and let live….even you Seamus with your nacho powdered nicotine fingers…live it up while you can.

Me…I have learned and lost in this life….and I have resigned myself to my role as a Father now…I’ll have children at home until I’m over 60 and grandchildren shortly after I’m sure….and I’m good with that….

Nice if they would load the dishwasher once in a while….but hey….hair only gets grey once….might as well enjoy it.

Babe….I love your face…..I miss you too much.

XO

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Almost like we had a summer….

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I’ll start where the buck stops….I’m at 241 and change.

Dilly bars…warm fall night beers…indian restaurants…these things will not make for weight loss…

So be it.  Let’s see what this week brings for chunk.

RUSSETT

Down to 196 even.  The groundhog has moved on from Russett’s life for now.  He has managed to lose 9 pounds in 12 days.


This old classic might just become a thing of the past.  The combination of watching what he eats, time in the pool, and long bakes in the sauna are doing the trick….

….or is Russett offering up his -just sweat out a gallon- weight….

I could be envious….

RICHARD

I’m sure Richard is way down…he has been laying super low on the HTG and moved several yards of rock into his back yard last week….no update though….and sadly that means we must surf the net for a photo of Richards progress….


If I was a betting man….Richard is in the 360’s.

Zee DONALD

Donaldinio had a rough weekend…it seems he went to the pub and had a few beers…He hasn’t been drinking in weeks due to his new workout routine/medication….well…the liquor hit him badly….

Anyway, good news is that Donald is up another 2 pounds…137 pounds….

I’m not sure he will be able to hold his gains this week while he is in hospital.  The story I heard goes something like…pub…few beers…managed to crawl home to medicate…decided to hit the gym to pump up the old muscles…had some sort of medication issue…..

Hopefully Donald is released this afternoon and can get right back at it….geezus….I never expected one of these police mug shot before and after’s of the Don.

SEAMUS BROWNE

Here is another one…bulking up….why Seamus?   Why punish yourself????

Up just one pound to 391 pounds.  I was on the phone with Seamus for a moment on Friday…I believe he managed a muffled hello before I heard the sound of the phone dropping and screams….I stayed on the line in an attempt to figure out what happened until one of Seamus’ co-workers picked up the phone and offered me an update….

It seems Seamus had stuffed an entire Berry Explosion muffin into his mouth in an attempt to crush it before we spoke….choked on the monstrous 2 pounder and had to get the Heimlich from his coworkers…

He did not return any of my calls the rest of the weekend…that sort of thing must be hell on the throat….

KRISTA

Krista is on the same diet as I am it seems.  She offered up a 151.8 this morning…she blames it on weekend drinks.

I get it…we’ve had a terrible summer and some warm weekend nights….there were a lot of lawn chairs on driveways this weekend in the Ottawa area.

Now…with Krista’s “feeder” away the next couple of weeks…and a bridesmaid’s dress to squish into…soon…very soon…Krista will have to tighten up the old bouche…

She could head on over to the sugar bear and try to melt it off……

The Quote of The Day

“Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.”

–Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What do I say…I’m not sure….even Longfellow might not have been able to explain why a man must be cold in the hopes it makes him seem more…..manly….

We’ve separated being a human into categories….and a lot of people misunderstand these categories…how other humans judge us for staying within what we think these categories should be….

Anyway….

Babe….I love you.

XO

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Some things NEVER change…

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Groundhog days…

RUSSETT


There have been so many hard fought groundhog days here at the man blog…years and years of them…

No matter how hard you starve…you can not lose a pound….not an ounce!!!!

Mr. Russett…the sugarbear…is stuck in a groundhog cycle…every morning he wakes up…at anytime…he looks around and realizes…this is a new day!  My starvation will be rewarded on this day…

No sir….as the Beagle steps onto the silver monster he is greeted with this….


We must consider though….he hasn’t been under 200 pounds in a year…and he has been now for 3 straight days….He hasn’t eaten in a week….

Not sure what keeps him going at this point…but he is managing to get his base calories from somewhere….

Is he eating whats left of his muscle mass…or his grey matter….

Time will Tell

SEAMUS BROWNE

wowzers…..I haven’t heard from the big boy in 2 days…the last time we spoke he told me that he was timing how long it takes for sour kids candy to melt in a can of Pepsi….he was amazed to realize that the rate at which sour kids melt in Pepsi is affected by thermodynamics….a cold can of pepsi melted the sour kids slower than a warm can….

Anyway, Seamus was on his second dozen Pepsi’s when I spoke to him…he was pretty much shattered at that point…between gummies and pop he had managed several pounds of highly refined sugars…

His weight….last he checked….390 pounds.

My lord…..

RICHARD D’AOUST

I think Richard is actually taking this seriously….he is actually watching what he consumes….but no weight in…he only weighs on Fridays….

Guess what that means?


Richard is burning Cals kids….

KRISTA KELLY

Krista seems to be on the HTG diet…that’s the one where you lose a few pounds and then demolish the fridge.

On Monday Krista was under 150….remember….I may have said 250 but I get mixed up with my hundreds now that we have a big boys club….

Krista Celebrated being under 150 with…a bag of gummies and some popcorn..and drum roll…………………

Up…Tuesday she weighed in at 150.4.  We had a wee chat about diets and stuff during which Krista told me she was a fortune teller of sorts…..geez….I mean….I’ve made a lot of lofty claims in my life…like I’m going to lose 30 pounds in 30 days….but…if I could see the future….I would already know there is zero chance of that….

Regardless Krista told me she had these feelings….she knows stuff….future type things….

Well Krista is sure of one thing….she gained…weighing in this morning at 151.2 pounds….this she blames on her HUSBAND….

lol

She claims he comes home with chips…he is a ‘Feeder’ she says….chips AND pepsi….shhhhh…don’t let Seamus find out you have Pepsi…

Anyway, Garry is off to England tomorrow…Krista thinks she will lose weight while he is gone…..

We shall defo know if the crystal ball is telling the truth won’t we….

CAPITONE DONALD RAMSAY BUCHANAN

Now that the Capitone is seriously bulking up we will have to address him with a bit more respect…or suffer the consequences….and no one wants to mess with a man in the midst of a steroid induced rage.

ZEE capitone Ramsay Buchanan is up again, hammering the scale at 135 pounds, up from 127…major gains….I hope he forwards us an updated selfie tomorrow…

YOURS TRULY

Light weight!!!!!  PEANUTS!!!!

I’m down to 236.6 pounds….but…it’s Wednesday.

Last Wednesday I weighed 236.4…my low of this round of man blog dieting….I then managed to get to 242 overnight…Wednesday night….

….imagine.

By the way…I have had 2 dilly bars each of the last 2 nights….so they aren’t the issue…..

I will attempt to take it easy on the donuts tonight…..

The Quote of The Day

Somewhere there’s a score being kept, so you have an obligation to live life as well as you can, be as engaged as you can.
Bill Murray

I wonder what my score might be….I do like to live life…I must…I try to live with passion…it isn’t always easy.  Living life can be tiresome….and much of what I have is given to my children….I make that choice….

But I do live….and I like a great laugh every single day.

Babe….I love your face.

XO

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What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

……………………………………………………….

I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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Love…..

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As the man blogs dwindle away to almost nothing you’re left thinking about meaningful topics…..and nothing means more than this one….Love.

These days even typing the word is cause for a pause…..it’s something you really have to sink your teeth into.  It’s meaty….using a man term….it has real weight in my life these days…..more than it did….ya….its laughable the difference…why is that?

Why…..am I simply older…..so set in my ways I don’t worry about it now……not like the old days when my mother warned me I would be lonely at 60….those times she told me to search hard for someone I could rest with in my last days.

Is that the story?   Are those the options…..loneliness or love?……..it makes sense I guess…..it just might…….

I haven’t lived much of my life without love….the early days, sure….my youth.  Love was tougher when I was a child, much tougher than it is for my children I think…but reminiscing always goes that way, your worst memories….the pain…the shock….that’s what stays with you…..

My Mother gave blood sweat and tears to raise my sister and I….it must have been hard….it seemed it to me………

Off track….terribly…..

Ya, Mom always warned me that old age would be lonely, but lonely has a space, once you’re used to it….it fits…

Tonight’s man blog….

I think it’s important to note how much better I’ve been doing….

I think closing the shop was a big step forward for me….emotionally….mentally.  I feel much better….it doesn’t exactly help the bank account any….but I really feel better….I do…..

I can say that I’m happy to stop the old habits….the things that Ev and I used to do together…..folding sheets….dealing with therapists…..just doing the books….

These are the things I’ve remembered Ev doing with me the past 2 years and now…..they’re gone…..and that’s not bad…..

This week I’ve talked a bit with a widow of just 7 months, it let’s me think about how far I’ve come….not comparing it to where she is but thinking about where I was…..to be honest I’ve come so far….that’s a world away….

I feel terrible for her…7 months……it’s a disaster at 7 months…..

I know a widow at 4 years I couldn’t relate with until I spoke to the one at 7 months….it puts it into perspective to know that I will continue to grow….it will continue to get better…..

This widow of 7 months made me cry last week, she was sorry….and I would be too….but the thing about my tears is they are not for pain…..I’m not hurt….I’m not sure in my entire life I’ve ever cried because I was wounded in a physical way……

I cry love…….I miss loving Ev.

That is why we grieve…..we miss loving something.  I realized that early in the man blog….that someone could miss a cat as much as I miss Ev.  It seems ridiculous.  Seriously ridiculous.

It isn’t.

Realizing this and….what….recovering to this point….how is that?  I’m not sure…..it’s thin ice….

But it is better……….

I’m getting better….really better……

The Quote of The Day

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I’m sure I’ve said this before….and the Native fortune teller at the crappiest Vancouver pub in the 90’s said as she threw my palm away after a quick glimpse….”You’ll have lots of love and that’s all I’ll say”….I have had lots of love.  I do now raising 4 daughters.  I have wonderful neighbors, amazing friends!…..If I sit back in my chair and think about my life compared to many….

I’m lucky….really lucky to be surrounded by so many great people. Do I deserve that?  I think so….I changed the tire for a stranger a few weeks ago….side of the road….how many people drove past that person….

I wish I could be more…..I think of everything I’ve been given and all I’ve taken and I can’t help but wish to give more……

I am getting better….I’m not sure it makes me better….I really worry about that…..but I am getting better.

Babe…..I love your face…..I’m doing it….I miss you too much……..

……………….I wrote this entire man blog without a single tear until I wrote that last line………

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Belly Buttons….

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I cried today…chatting with a widow about a discussion I had the night before….Charlotte’s belly button came up and she gave me a face….just a glimpse of agony….

Charlotte used to play with her belly button a lot….not any more.

She did from a young age and she used to let Ev touch it too, seldom would she let me….Her and Ev would have talks about Belly Buttons, a tiny bit of mommy they would laugh and smile and always before bed Charlotte would play with her belly button and fall asleep….

After Ev passed Charlotte told me straight up….when she plays with her belly button it grows a little bit…..the mommy bit could grow…….

Ya….I’m crying again now…..my baby trying to grow her mom with her belly button…….

In the evolution of my life and grief I find myself a bit angrier these days….I suppose it could just be that my life is out of balance and that leads to a bit of lightning….something I really haven’t had in 10 years.  It’s something I used to control before Ev and I had forgotten about…..but occasionally I just feel a jolt…it’s something I’m working on….again….

My friends will have to show me some patience…..I hope.

Over the past 2 years a few people have told me I should make a book out of this blog….I don’t see it myself, but I might….I’ve compiled the entire thing and I’m going to give it a read from the beginning….

I’m not sure there is a book here….I see 600 days worth of removing some of my grief and pasting it here….I know it can help other people….the grievers for sure……anyway….I told the person that if I made the decision to make a book it might change the man blog…….we shall see….

There is one other thing….the posts that I don’t publish….some finished, others too hard too dark, some would continue for days……..I’ll have to reread those posts.

The Quote of The Day

Every ending is a new beginning
Your lucky # is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

As this planet we live on turns round and round I occasionally go on vacation.  During these trips there are always moments of solitude and I enjoy a good book at these times.  While passing through the grocery store a book caught my eye…American Gods, and it was the read on this latest trip.

A good book….turn a few pages….the wife dies.

Maybe I should read more female authors….or maybe I should start writing fiction…..

Babe….funny….I love your face….the babies are doing great!

XO

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Utopia….

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A wonderful word….utopia….u t o p i a…..

say it….it’s nice….

Utopia….A utopia (pronounced you-TOE-pee-yuh) is a paradise….

I’ve just returned from a week in Spain, those of you that are on facebook have seen 100 photos….a wonderful time for sure….

Amazing vistas…..fabulous moments with amazing friends…..a great vacation…..

Vacation….A vacation [vey-key-shuh n, vuh-] freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

It was nice to get away….I missed the kids but it is nice to get a break….it’s simply not easy to care for 4 little girls….it’s fun don’t get me wrong….we laugh….we live a wonderful life…….but it does come with a bit of stress……

One thing I do enjoy about Spain….and lots of other places………the feeling that Ev isn’t there….places where I don’t have memories shared with her….somewhere…..new places.  Spain is a new place and there is less……..pain there…..less torment…..

Torment….(tawr-ment) to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain.

There is less torment in some places…..

It’s not without some…..consternation….I’ll skip the pronunciation and definition and lay it out…..

I find myself on a terrace overlooking the perfect whitewash Spanish town.  behind me the Mediterranean, as blue as the sky other than the whitecaps of rolling waves…..ahead the Sierra Nevada mountain range begins, still to early too show the white caps of snow that will arrive even here at the edge of a desert…..and there….way up……

The thing about huge mountains, they seem so close….a short walk, 30 minutes and you could find yourself at their base….but in reality you will get in your car and drive an hour….maybe 2….before you reach them.  The majesty of these enormous stone entities…..once you’re close enough to realize the grass you saw at home are really trees, tall enough to touch the sky…..

At the summit……..Ev…..she could be there…..waiting…..her arms open welcoming my arrival…..and when I reach the peak where will she be….at the next horizon…..patiently waiting…..

Sanity……….I’m not sure how to define this…..

Do I consider walking off into the mountains…..to forever reach lonely summits……yes……of course I do…….although I know there would be so much pain within that existence it seems to be forever hopeful…..

You see……I’m still not there…..I still expect that sooner or later she will come home, and without looking at the posts leading up to or following last years trip to Spain I already know that I likely in a better place….I’d like to say I’m not in a better place mentally but that’s not the case….

I’m in a different better place…..but it still isn’t great….I find that I’m losing my grasp more and more now….I’m exploring being a normal person……and the hurricane that is…..I’m out of control……I have been for some time….

I’m going to work to sort that out……soon…..

The Quote of the Day

Your Lucky number is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

The universe provides me with a novel every time I go on vacation….this time…American Gods.  A great book…

Chapter one…..your wife is dead.

Every time…..every single time………..

There is more to heaven and earth…..our religions and spiritual beliefs do not begin to explain it…..or there is nothing….I’m hoping it’s something so big….it will make this seem like nothing at all…….

Babe…..I would climb any mountain…….I do that for you every day……I love your face.

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The Mirror….

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This is not the first Man Blog I’ve written since the last you’ve read, wordpress has a few bugs and it cost me a post last weekend before Charlotte’s hockey.  I thought I’d pour a bit so that I was on top of it at the rink….it worked, and I didn’t have to share……

Today I don’t have to write the man blog, I feel fine……things are as good as they get at this point in my life….and that’s pretty good.

I miss Ev terribly.  I think about her more than I should I guess…..way too much probably….

I haven’t had too many serious breakdowns….tears in the Movati parking lot talking with a friend, sure.  It’s simple though….I love that woman and I miss her….I miss her loving me….something I was thinking about before I managed to open up this post even though I had planned to write it this morning…..how much I miss Ev loving me…..

It’s not like I don’t have lots of love in my life…I’m well loved.  I have 4 daughters!  But I do miss Ev’s love….it was something I really loved…..

Hockey this weekend was a success, Charlotte enjoyed it.  I guess I’m a hockey Dad now, Ev would be very proud of how well Charlotte is doing….she glows with happiness.

Ave is trying out for all the high school sports just as I hoped she would and doing great at it.  Her grades are also really good so far….I think she is going to do amazing things….I’m so proud that she is following in her mother’s footsteps….I see so much of Ev in her.  I hope she does too, I do try to remind her……..

memories….geez…We golfed Kanata Lakes on Monday, Monique, the bar cart woman, and I were talking and she told me her mother passed when she was 3…..zero memories…..and on the way to hockey we passed Ev’s old Merc….Charlotte didn’t remember it at all…..I sold it 15 months ago and it’s already been erased from her memories……..I told her we would watch some videos of Mommy….the few we have….

Oh my God that makes me sad…..I wish she could know her mother….her power…….which is exactly what I told Monique…..she misses out on meeting a real life superhero………..

throat hurting…….

7am….just woke up the kids….I better make some lunches.

The Quote of The Day

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine

I’m not so sure…………

When I was younger I used to stare at myself in the mirror….an animal staring back.  Trying to figure out what was inside of me……

Now I look in the mirror searching for Ev…….I no longer talk to myself when I look into the mirror…..my words are for Ev.

Babe…..I love your face.

 

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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