Displaying all posts tagged with Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler

What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

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Dreams…..

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This week I’ve decided to close Samadhi Wellness…..not an easy decision….probably one I should have made sooner for myself….

Holding on to memories even though they hurt me terribly…..punishing myself…..

I am lucky enough to have a little wiggle room in my life to decide on a new path….something that I want to do for the next chapter of my life….

I have to live….and as painful as it is I cannot always seek Ev’s shadow…….

I could go on and on telling you how badly I feel about this decision…..and the kids gone this week camping………..

Ya…….

Anyway…..I will fight my tears a little harder the next while……but I will be better in the end.

 

The Quote of The Day

All love stories are tales of beginnings. When we talk about falling in love, we go to the beginning, to pinpoint the moment of freefall. Meghan O’Rourke

It’s hard not to agree with this….but at some point that controlled freefall….that feeling of weightlessness….ends….and then you find yourself clawing at thin air……trying frantically to find balance……

Babe…..I’m sorry………..

 

XO

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With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO

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What have we here….

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Well….8 months….

What can I tell you about that…..I seems like it passed in a blink of an eye……..one million tears…….

Where am I, I guess I’m right where I should be.  I’m at home, the 2 youngest up, the older ones catching a few more minutes sleep before I rustle them up….

Ya….my life revolves around these babies….but I do have my outs, my social life is not lacking….the big girls allow me to have my nights out, in fact they demand it….wondering why I’m home at night on the weekends….

Okay….the facts….I’m messy…I still don’t really have a firm grasp on my life….reality….I feel that there is a certain part of my mind protecting me from…..me…..I’m lost….simple as that……

I catch myself spiralling….staring off at nothing….searching within my mind for some answer….and I don’t know the question….

I can look out the window right now….stare out at the driveway……

looking out there it doesn’t take long to imagine what you want to see……

I want to see Ev, getting off her bike….walking up to the front door…………it seems like such a small thing…..I’m not asking for much………

I just want it to stop…..I want to be better…..and I don’t know how that is going to happen….I don’t know if it’s even possible.

There was a time when I recorded that I had cried every day….waiting for the first day I didn’t cry…..it took a few months before I met a day that didn’t see me wracking….it was a goal at that time I suppose…a sign that I was getting better…..

Well it’s been about 240 days….and in that time I’ve cried 220 days…..

I had typed a few other statistics….how many times I’ve screamed to heaven…..how many times I’ve begged to be taken……other things…..

Deleted so that we don’t get the wrong idea….I don’t want you to think I’m some weak fool….yes I’ve taken a serious beating here, but I’m in it for the haul….I’m not going to let this define me………………

wracking…..and why wouldn’t I……

Because when you sit here and write it down….you realize exactly what you are….and what you are up against…..

8 months is nothing…..someday will be 8 years…….

Babe…..I miss you too much……I love your face!

She knew I’d do this…..she knew I was the man that I am….she knew I’d do what I had to do….she knew how hard it would be…and she knew I would get it done…….

The Quote of The Day….

You are the master of your own ship, pal. There are lots of people who fall into troubled waters and don’t have the guts or the knowledge or the ability to make it to shore. They have nobody to blame but themselves.
Evel Knievel

8 months….

We shall see what comes next…..

I just want to be clear on something here….just because I have contact with a lot of people whom have suffered loss….a spouse, a parent, a pet……

I loved my wife….as much as some people love their dog…..I can’t minimize their loss….

I also know people that loved their dog more than they loved their spouse…..you see the important thing here isn’t loss.

It’s about love………

Have a great day!

XO

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Time…time…time

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I think it’s been a week since I sat here and pounded out a man blog, not a terrible week either.

I’ve taken a bit of time to try to figure out the things that really set me into quicksand…not only finding myself there, but dug in, unable to escape for hours….

So this past week I have lived through moments of sadness…but not to the depths of misery I’ve experienced in past weeks…no, it’s been reasonable…

Let’s review…first I’ll say this, I have shed a few tears since I last posted, but not many….and in a moment….I will….because the man blog will make me think of things I have been able to…..set aside……from my every day thoughts….I think of Ev all the time….

How much does the thought of Ev pass through my mind….if I sit here thinking about it……I’d say always….every second…..

If I think about last night….when I woke up at 3 am with Charlotte dragging her toes across my sunburnt back….then yes….in my dreams……..but dreams in which she was already gone…..

now we will wrack……………..

I did try to go back to bed….to muster up a dream of my own…..a real dream in which my wife was by my side….even reliving a day….maybe Calypso last year since that is where we spent the day…..

But those dreams never come….my mind still does not allow me to imagine her when I want to….I assume to protect my sanity….if that is what I’m left with…..this sanity…..

So….how about when I am out with my neighbors having a beer while Charlotte plays on the street….how often does Ev pass through my mind then…..let’s see……every time I hear Charlotte laugh……for sure….every time I look at her…..Ev’s love………

I think of her on the way to Calypso with the ladies yesterday morning….hiding a few tears behind my sunglasses….remembering the trip from last summer with some of these same friends….time spent floating down the lazy river….moments I miss so much…..

I also remember that after she ate she told me she was in pain and wanted to leave….of course we had no idea why she was always in pain………….then………

At the shop yesterday talking with an RMT coming to help replace Gen while I search for someone full time to keep her dream alive……I find it hard to be there, at Samadhi, remembering the times we spent there together, Charlotte as a tiny baby in my arm as I answered the phones….we struggled so hard to make that business work and now I struggle to keep it…….

It certainly wasn’t easy this last 2 years as Ev got sicker and had to pass clients to a therapist that I’ll now have to replace…..I’ll have to buck it up and sit there again, without Ev…….trying to make it work….

I think about this fall, 4 little girls, 3 different schools…..I’m trying to do what I can to make their lives better….sports, dance, music….the hustle and bustle Ev and I never managed to deal with when there were 2 of us……..and now I have to do these things alone……….It will get easier…..once I get used to how much harder it is……..

How much do I think of Ev while I’m at the shop…….every second….and it’s not easy to say more than a few words there before I feel my emotions taking over….biting my lip as I discuss the business with Ev’s RMT friend willing to give up her own practice to help out…..

At calypso yesterday….it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be…..I spent the day listening to Charlotte’s laughter….seeing her joy….yes that does come with some pain….not having Ev’s hand in mine….seeing Charlotte’s strength and pride as she completes the monkey bars over floating logs…I get a high five, tell her I’m proud of her….I let her know she is strong….like mommy…..

The power went out during the above blurb….at the word complete….I had time to take out the garbage and finish my coffee…and finishing that line has no problem bringing me back to tears….

What does that mean?

Where am I at in the process of grief…and recovery…..

You see….I had a good week….I felt very emotionally stable….but I also tried to hibernate a bit….I lived a bit quieter than I usually would….

I stole a bit of happiness out of my life to avoid grief…..guilt….

…the ladies and I also managed a trip to Nenad and Sandy’s cottage last weekend…it was a wonderful NEW experience.  I didn’t mourn too much…I did get to have a quiet talk with a buddy…let him know my plan…to back off a bit….to see how I’d feel this way…..

and I  swam….to the middle of the lake….the water was beautiful…the time out there on the water alone felt amazing….and I remember way out there in the middle of the lake thinking how nice it would be to be alone with Ev….her and I floating in the middle of the lake……quiet……calm…….

Happy…it was a happy moment…and a great day…..

The Quote of The Day

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell
— Edna St. Vincent Millay

How is hell anyway….hell is different for each of us…this is mine for now…I’ve been travelling through hell for quite some time….7 months of hell without her as of tomorrow….and a few months before that….

I thought I’d made my way here before….but no…..for now this is it.

Today….I would like to thank all of my wife’s friends…her childhood companions and her new friends and clients that she loved to see….Ev cried hard the day she realized how much you all loved her….she did get to realize that…..it was a beautiful day…………….

Babe…..I miss you so much…..I love your face

I don’t want to sit here and cry anymore….I want to be better…………….how does this end…………

 

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The Good Things In Life….

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The Good Things In Life….

I live a good life.  The things that matter most in life I have covered….well…most of the things….

Yesterday I packed up the fam and off we went to La Ronde in Montreal.  An excellent day trip to an amusement park with short lines and lots to do.

The kids and I had a great time, I cut the big kids loose and Charlotte and I spent the day together…I witnessed a lot of smiles and laughter…just the sort of thing to make for a great day.

Today I don’t even want to think about what would make that day perfect…absolutely perfect…..

The things you do to forget….the choices you make….wanting to run away….looking for a place to hide….

Where do you hide from yourself………where does that place exist…..

How Fat is Fat?

I consumed 40 thousand liquid calories yesterday, cheap refills on ice tea and fruitopia while baking under 30 degree sun in high humidity….

I ate crap food…

Today I weigh in at 228.5…is that fat?  It’s fat to me.

We have a newcomer to the man blog…another for the punishment…Donald Buchanan…please allow me to introduce you all…

donald buchanon
Donald is not with child….he is not in the third trimester….

Donald drinks the occasional beer….sometimes….once in a while…..

He also plans to drop 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks!!!!!  This will be fun to watch…Are you also skipping out on soccer tonight with a pulled ham?  That right there equates to 1800 less beer calories you might consume….IF you don’t drink them somewhere other than the soccer field.

the first 10 should be easy….but don’t take my word for it, I’m losing nothing!

Kevin Parker….up 253…Kevin certainly will be 260 again….you bet he will!!!!  It’s summer time, he is playing soccer more nights a week right now than her ever has…the outcome…..UP….up up and away!

Trafford….Old Trafford is at 173 old pounds…he has been working the under paddingAndy Trafford Carlingwood at Carlingwood again….

But Trafford is pretty slim, let’s be realistic, he is a lot slimmer than yours truly and the rest of this gang of old fatties.

Seamus has himself down to a not svelte at all 266 pounds.  His weight loss has slowed quite a bit from the 5 pounds a day he was seeing a week ago….come on big boy….you can do it!

Boyling is still low at 191.4 pounds…holding…  He is obviously slowing down on the dairy and on to something else….I did see him have quite a few milks on Monday night though.

and poor Beagle throws out a ‘under 190’ today….what is that. 189.99 pounds?

Beagle has some low goals….but don’t we all….

Will I ever weigh under 210 pounds again?

It’s Wednesday night….this Wednesday comes in with both soccer and poker….the agony…..

The Quote of The Day

Giving up is conceding that things will never get better, and that is just not true. Ups and downs are a constant in life, and I’ve been belted into that roller coaster a thousand times.
Aimee Mullins

I am on a cruel roller coaster….that’s it….that’s where I’m at.

I hate the highs and the lows…..I love the highs and the lows….

This is some roller coaster….

In my life, I have been so fortunate….I really did consider myself the luckiest person I knew….

A blessed life….perfect…..

If a misfortune came my way…it would always be the start of something new….better….

This seems different somehow….it’s not just my life anymore….it’s the high wire act of balancing not just my emotions….but my children’s…..and they all need something different……..

Which reminds me….those of you that have managed to stick with today’s blog….here you go….

A couple questions from a man blog follower yesterday…..

Vic, one thing that perplexes me and that I have been curious about but hesitant to ask is how does someone go to a hospital and never come out???

What brought her there? What was wrong that day that sent her to the hospital? Was it routine? Was it a minor surgery? How does she go from being home, happy and writing on Facebook to passing away? I didn’t think that cancer worked like that – what happened to palliative care? Why couldn’t anything be done??

So…here goes….let’s start with the easy part…..

How does my wife go from being happy and writing on Facebook to passing away?

Well, my wife wasn’t happy, she was afraid….she did not want to lose her life and I tried my best to save her….I spent hours reading the internet…trying every single thing I could…..

She would never want her friends to know she was weak and afraid….she pretended to be stronger than that….and she was very strong, a super human in fact….but she had so many doubts…

I’ve said it here before….it was only in the last month of my wife’s life that she told me she never knew how many people loved her….she never believed how much I did…..she thought so little of herself….

I told my wife every day how much I loved her, how beautiful and smart she was….she didn’t believe me until the end………….

okay….we will wrack……

you want to know how much I loved my wife….ask my male friends…..ask the guys that used to see me out….or at poker…..you ask them if I ever turned my head to take a second look at a passing girl………..I held my wife so high above every other woman….I loved her completely….she simply didn’t believe it…..I guess she just figured it wasn’t possible………..to be loved completely…..

What brought her there? What was wrong that day that sent her to the hospital? Was it routine? Was it a minor surgery?

What brought my wife to the hospital that day was…in the end…that she had become septic….

Now there were a number of things that triggered this and her death in the end….and at the very end of this post I’m going to say something that comes with great relief and pain…………

I brought her in to the hospital in the morning, the day before she couldn’t do chemo because her white blood cells were too low….

I believe they could have given her a shot then and there to help bring them up but I believe she couldn’t have that shot due to the terms of the REO trial she was on…..regret number 1

THERE ARE SOME REGRETS!!!!!!!!!

Charlotte and I slept on the sofa that night as Charlotte had a cold which would have been enough to seriously harm if not kill Ev at that time…..

So up in the morning and off to the hospital to argue with the admitting nurse that was busy flirting with a paramedic….it took me 30 to 45 minutes to get her into an air tight germ free sort of room….I actually had to call the oncology nurse before the admitting nurse would listen.

Once in this room another nurse started caring for her, administering morphine type drugs for her pain….sadly another rookie nurse…..we were almost in for a CT when we remembered that Ev had an allergic reaction to the dye the last time….that ruined us…as now she would go into the operation with blind doctors trying to figure out what was going on.

I’m not sure where I’m at with this…I’m just trying to get it out…..

During this time Ev complained about not being able to move her legs….which the rookie nurse took as over medication…Ev and I did get a bit of a laugh over it….but she was in agony…..agony still.

Finally the first nurse called in a senior nurse…and withing 45 seconds the senior nurse said….she is shutting down……that’s why she can’t move her legs….

Now we are in trouble….they instantly move her to an emerg room…I considered it a crash room…and an army of surgeons came in…they x rayed her internal organs….and at that time I saw just how many spots of cancer she had on her lungs……

………………………………………………………………

The doctor took me into another room….he told me she would face a surgery that was very risky…….he told me she would never do chemo again……………………

I came out and told her I loved her and I would take care of our babies……………

……………………………………………………..

hours later a doctor came out and told me that what he had to do was a success but that there was still a risk…but I took that very positively….I thought I would kiss her again…….

………………………………………………….

Now you know what I want to do…………….you know where I’d like to be………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I am making the most out of this life because I have to…..I have children I need to take care of…..

And if I’m going to do this I’m going to be as happy as I can be while doing it…….but this isn’t my first choice at this time………..

Well….there is a man blog for you…………..

here is what it comes down to…..

I HATE THIS……I’ve been pretending fairly well…but it’s all a fucking lie……..I’m just doing what I have to do….still now…..

I’m waiting for it to end….one day I will wake up and be better…….or not……

There we go……..

This is a man blog I should delete.

Anyway…December 17 2014 Evelyn Wheeler passed away….she might still be alive if she had lived that day….but she would be closer to the end….weak….sad…..

She would be suffering every day….unable to hide her weakness from the girls…..they would suffer also…

That day she left us….she is no longer in my life to touch….but she will never leave me……

Babe….I love your face!

 

 

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Meeehhhhhssssy

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Meeehhhhhssssy

How is Vic doing…Well…I’m messy…I’m pretty sure it’s normal…lol

Oh shit….Last week was a shit show for me…emotionally up and down all week, I can tell you this…my highs are higher, when I’m feeling better I really am feeling better…this makes the lows seem so much lower.

There was a time when all I thought about was Ev…every single second…days when I didn’t eat or sleep…

Now there are times when I….well I think of other things…new moments…new memories……..

You know there is guilt in living……….wracking guilt…..

It would be…….ah….whatever it would be….doesn’t matter…it would be isn’t an option…..

Yesterday I went to visit Ev’s grave…I made the decision on my way to Brockville…my first of many visits to come in my life….something I didn’t want to do until the marker was up…

I made the decision on the 416…put on my sunglasses to hide my tears…and away I went.

I dropped off a few of the recent crafts Charlotte has done….and poured more tears…

I pour tears now……….

Ya….I’m getting better….but I still only want to have her back….and that terrible thought will make you rot………….and rot I will…..

Evelyn Wheeler Charlotte Wheeler and Avery Skinner

Cleansing…not quite…

The Isagenix 9 day deep cleanse and fat burning….punishment

Let’s see…when did I start that…right Thursday…

So…I had no solid food for most of Thursday…as per the directions…drink this cleanse juice….have fun….

Well, I managed Hot Yoga on Thursday evening, followed by a quick after Yoga scotch at the H&C…or 6….I then came home and cleansed a sandwich…

On Friday I cleansed for half the day on Isagenix….I then cleansed 3 beers a mojito….ah…..a sandwich and a chocolate bar.

Worked with my brother in-law all weekend during which time I cleansed both A&W and McDonalds….

So…not much of a scientific experiment….the 9 day deep cleanse….no….

I did manage to weigh in at 223.5 after boot camp this morning….

The bad news….Andy and Kevin were late this morning with their weigh in….I can’t say I’m sad about that…one second please…..

Here we go…..

Kevin Parker, Andy Trafford, Paul Robson

Well…Paul Robson had to take one for the team there….Hopefully it isn’t too painful…

It wouldn’t have been fair to use one of the guys that actually did weigh in on time….

Let’s get right to it….

Vic  223.5  -5.5

Trafford   175.6   +4.8   lol

Beagle   200.5   -4.5   And back over 200 pounds

Boyling  193   -10.5   the milk diet

Parker   who knows….

 

Boyling is onto something…..I wonder….

The Quote of The Day

I suppose I’ve always done my share of crying, especially when there’s no other way to contain my feelings. I know that men ain’t supposed to cry, but I think that’s wrong. Crying’s always been a way for me to get things out which are buried deep, deep down. When I sing, I often cry. Crying is feeling, and feeling is being human. Oh yes, I cry.
Ray Charles

Well…there is that…I suppose that makes me more human than I feel…when I’m out in public I can’t help feeling that I’m not human at times….hiding my humanity…

But no one wants to drink a beer at the H&C with the guy screaming, moaning, crying and smashing things…that would not be pretty….hopefully Frank is on duty to gently put me in the back seat….

Anyway…today is…cold…gloomy…and it looks all around…unpleasant.

Make your own sunshine folks!  Get that stranger to smile…it’s easy….say Hi!  Offer them a great day!!!!!

Babe…you’re a beauty…I miss your face!!!!!

XO

 

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Kicking it up a notch….

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Kicking It Up a Notch

Well as far as my anguish, pain, hurt and torture goes….I was able to lay that out on people outside of the man blog yesterday…so we will carry forth with some fun!

Did I mention that I did Karen’s core class on Monday?  I managed Mandy’s 6am boot camp today…

easy peasy…well when it ends it seems great….you see, you forget the pain almost instantly…other than the lingering bits.

Parker was once again late on his weigh in….I’m not sure what is going on with him….

Kevin Parker GayPorn
Is he trying to get a piercing….I think sacred tattoo in Barrhaven is a bit more sanitary….

I mean….what is going on Parker….

Parker weighed in at 250 pounds, not really a light weight.

Myself, I weighed in before and after boot camp, I lost 2 pounds finishing boot camp at 222.6 pounds…I’ll go with that.

I’m not in too much pain yet…we will see how I feel about all this tomorrow morning….

Trafford is down!  I think he is once again sporting ankle weights at the Carlingwood.  Off the blue pills and back to burning up the mall carpets!  Trafford weighs in at 171.2

Boyling….the sneaky bugger that has been doing isagenix…he weighs in today at 194…ahead for sure, but Beagle is turning a corner and both he and I are doomed to join Boyling for 9 days soon….

Starvation and questionable beverages…..perfect…..

Beagle has broken the 200 pound barrier once again, hitting the scale this morning at 199.6

So

Vic  222.6   -6.4

Beagle 199.6   -5.6

Trafford  171.2  +.2   he lost 5 pounds yesterday?????

Parker  250  +1

Boyling  194   -9.5

The Quote of The Day

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve got half of this right.

Here is the problem….I’m still waiting to see her again….every day….every god damn second….

Lover……..Until I see you again….I love you every second…..

now we wrack……

warm….humid….

Love….if there was more of it the world would be a better place…..go ahead and be nice…wish someone a wonderful day!

 

XO

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The Busy Bee Gets a Buzz….

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The Busy Bee Gets a Buzz….

Although yesterday looked like it would come in tough, it worked out fine…I stayed busy….

Dropped my ladies off at their respective schools….which reminds me I must get Syd transportation to Canterbury…then made a list of what I’d need to get more off the old to do list….

I spent the day with hammer and saw and it passed in almost perfect bliss….

My old mother did always say…having a bad day….dig a hole….

That hole had no meaning, zero purpose…it was going to be full of the energy that swirled inside of you, trying to make you rot…instead spent…used up…even on a meaningless hole….

The backyard is getting close….very close to being a nice quiet place for soaking up the sun…I’ve never been much of a sun worshipper…but I’ll do it for the wife this year….I’ll sit out there every day I can…

Dug my hole…then a shower followed by hot yoga.  The room was smoking hot…I poured sweat, and it was great.  Arthur, Pesh and I for a quick beer…or 3 afterwards…Boyling was there having milk…..

You know what…it ended up being a good day.

I may have fallen short on sleep, and there will be no catch up today as I await the arrival of the Fedex man with the final epoxy I need to finish my garage…get my bird back home…and focus…daily on getting it done….

Oh…one more item….

Babe…I love your face….  XO

4 hours of sleep…I purchased a mouth guard in an attempt to ward away teeth grinding…but couldn’t sleep with it…today I track down a better one.  Not that the grinding kept me up, I think I only woke myself up once trying to rip out my own teeth….just didn’t have enough…there simply wasn’t enough time….and my darling Charlotte wanted a few trips to the bathroom….her way of testing the water for a trip downstairs for early morning cartoons.

This weekend I finish backyard…epoxy garage…install lift…get bird….

Next week…bird deconstruction and basement bathroom construction…I may not have finished the basement this month…some goals are a bit too lofty!

Fatties Unite

There simply aren’t any fat superheroes….we need to change that…

Just imaging a group of fat men…the ability to crush…easy no brainer…

Flight….hmmmm….well I guess if you jumped your weight could push the planet down enough that you might be able to get around a bit….

We could guzzle huge quantities of beer and spurt it out to mess with criminal masterminds during their getaways….ya….

Well…we could eat and drink our way out of any situation…but these things simply don’t come up…

fat-superheroes, sean russett, kevin parker, andy trafford

Now…that does seem the pleasant picture doesn’t it…

Our good friend Kevin Parker…who is out of the pub this week, maybe even off the pints…has yet to weigh in…

Sadly Kevin knows what happens when you miss the man blog weigh in…

Let’s see what we can come up with…

Here We go…Now to be fair, Boyling had his weight in first today…so…not fair…

But let me tell you something about life…

It is not fair.

Kevin Parker and Richard Boyling
I’m not sure what has come undone here…but considering Parker’s weight lately it certainly wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine it was his pants….

There are a few strained buttons in Parker’s life and I like to think Boyling has nothing to do with any of that!

So the run down:

Vic   225  -4  (I did have several beers a late dinner and some snacks last night)

Beagle   203  -2.2

Trafford  172  +1

Boyling  197.8  -5.7  (late night dairy, you think Parker would work that out of you)

Parker….well…I hate to think about it any more today!

The Quote of The Day

I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let’s face it, friends make life a lot more fun.
Charles R. Swindoll

It’s simple…my life may be a turmoil…I may have some really bad days…but in all truth…I bet I’m having more fun, even here…than many people ever do when they are on top of it.

I have amazing friends…we live and love…we laugh and cry together…I love each and every one…and they love me!

Kids…today it could be warmer, but at 12 degrees try to imagine its February…we’d all be doing cartwheels!

Wish a stranger a GREAT day!

Babe…I love your face!!!!  I’ll never stop!

 

XO

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You Can Pray…But You’ll Get Nothing For It…

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You Can Pray…But You’ll Get Nothing For It…

How has the man blog been?  Funny….that’s good…it’s been fun the past week writing it…it’s fun now…

I had a great night last night, Beagles birthday party…

Such a joyous event…a great night….Today I’ll be recovering…

And I’ll pick up the ladies…get them back here for some hugs!

So…where am I right now….

I’m in such a weird space…sometimes so much better and sometimes…simply not…

I prayed to Ev to take me last night….and that makes me so sad….wishing she would bring me with her………….

Because even when I’m having what seems like the time of my life….it isn’t….

I’m going to pick up the ladies tonight….

And then I’m going to hide out for a couple of days….quietly….

I’m okay….I just want to chill out in my own space for a few days……

The Quote of The Day

I like the idea of being alone. I like the idea of often being alone in all aspects of my life. I like to feel lonely. I like to need things.
Robert Plant

I’m not alone….I’m fine….

I’m just taking a couple days of quiet solitude….no texts…no pub….no beer…and I guess no carbs…

Weigh in Friday.

Thanks to the Russett’s for having me over, thanks to Rob for the laughs.  Thanks to all of my friends for putting up with this…

XO

Babe…I’m good, you know….miss you every minute……

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It’s Got To Be The Hot Yoga….

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It’s Got To Be The Hot Yoga….

First off…today’s man blog is 99% about the weigh in…I’ll get the other stuff out of the way first…but really, it hasn’t been that bad…

So…earlier this week I expect some quicksand…a day of great sadness and depression…and I figured it would hit me yesterdayish…did not….

Too busy!  Simple…

Wednesday night, after another very unsuccessful night of poker, I slept terribly….I was up at around 1 am and played the part of the walking zombie until I fell back asleep at 6 to wake up 20 minutes late for the regular kids school hustle at 7….

I had lots on the go yesterday so I didn’t really even have time to realize how tired I was…by 3 pm I was once again wishing for bed but after doing some flyers up for a high school mental health event I realized there was a 8pm hot yoga and invited a few of the boys to join me…only taker was Arthur….Parker had Pub plans under way.

The zombie heads over for a great hot yoga class….we hit the pub afterwards at our sweaty/stinky best….well Arthur put on cologne….but I stopped wearing the stuff years ago…so one of us stank!  At the pub all the boys had beer, including Parker who initiated the ‘let’s not drink this week’….but not me.  2 waters and I was on my way home.

Shit….and here I thought I was going to talk about my grief….well I suppose there just hasn’t been much the past 2 days…

Some, yes…of course….conversations….moments of thought….

The closest I came to really really wracking is at hot yoga….but last night I tried to imagine her there with me….sharing my mat….rather than her not with me….

It was very comfortable for me….remembering us together…exercising…

Babe….I miss you…..

There….wracking….

….take my moment…not that bad…

2 things….

First….I really do feel Ev is with me at Yoga…ya, that may make me a lunatic….but that’s that.

Second….if I didn’t write this man blog this morning I don’t think I’d pour tears today….I felt in perfect bliss before I focused on how I was feeling……

Is it better to ignore that or think about it……..

Fat Men and Beer

Now, I’m not saying all my fat friends drink beer….no sir….

Beagle chooses attempted suicide with Florida Tracksuits….a heart pounding high sugar mixture of vodka, sourpuss and red bull….I have had poker nights of this….at 4 am you will be laying in bed counting the stipple on your ceiling…even in the pitch black darkness of your bedroom…your new found Florida Tracksuit panther eyes will have the ability to see pin point stipple counts way up there in the dark….

bowling with sean russett, kevin parker and Victor Wheeler

The oddest thing about the Florida Tracksuit????

Both Sean and Hvac Chris, another tracksuit faithful, have almost perfect blood pressure…we are talking about…the nurse checks their pressure with a different monitor on the third attempt because even she doesn’t believe it….

Now…I wouldn’t quite call it a clinical trial…but both of these guys consider perogies vegetables…and Hvac Chris deep fries his!

It’s an impossibility, I know….but it does exist.

If you’ve ever had any doubts about UFO’s…check Beagle blood pressure….you’ll know anything is possible.

Beagle weighs in this morning at 202.3….down?  Another great mystery…

Parker…who has consumed a hops beverage every day this week weighed in this morning at 250.6 pounds….he told me last night that next week he does plan on not drinking….well not including Monday, that’s a holiday….oh oh…and Tuesday…he has plans to meet Nenad Tuesday…..

So between Wednesday to Friday…well day time Friday…Parker will not have any beer….

This is the man that told me we weren’t drinking THIS week!

Boyling was late getting his weight in today…I should be nice because he actually broke 200 pounds, seeing 198.8 on the scale this morning….BUT….late…sorry….

Richard Boyling a masculine scent
And to think I saw Boyling last night in all my post Yoga sweatiness…risky!

He just looks so happy and peaceful…good for you Boyling!

Trafford is up again….

I’d love to post a photo of him and Arnold posing together….but Arnold hates to be shown up…

Maybe another day perhaps…Trafford weighed in this morning at 175.8 pounds…

Trafford, when you next see Boyling I want you to take a good look at his physique….and then close your eyes really tight and think about where you are heading.

 

Damn that makes me laugh….here I am cracking myself up at the expense of my mates….it’s perfect!

Is that it?

Oh wait…I forgot about me….I’m at 220.8 pounds.  Not bad, although I was hoping to break 220 before today…because today folks…we add beer….or burnt bourbon lemonade….or maybe low carb mojitos….or scotch…or all 4 …ya, I deserve all 4!!!!

Vic   220.8  -8.2 pounds

Beagle  202.3   -2.9

Trafford 175.8  +4.8

Parker  250.6  +1.6

Boyling  198.8  -4.7

The Quote of The Day

‘Crazy’ is a term of art; ‘Insane’ is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
Hunter S. Thompson

Let’s hope I fall into the Crazy pack….I know I’ve said some things on the man blog that might sway people to think I’ve fallen into the deep end….but hey…in reality…I just have the balls to say it…

If any of you haven’t had to tread a little water in the deep end….boring!

Why might it be the hot yoga?

I slept around 7 solid hours last night…that’s twice this week and both times after late night hot yoga….Guess where you will be seeing yours truly more often…a mean geez…I have a yoga studio….am I an idiot?

Please…keep your opinion to yourself  🙂

Thanks to my friends, I’m a lot to carry….

2 of the ladies have dance recital tonight, I thank the posse back there for all the help…Brigida and Sarah for help with makeup…I’m super rusty!

Long weekend kids…have fun…and be super kind to a stranger today…you’ll make someone’s day with a smile!

Have a great day!

Babe…thank you for loving me!…..

XO

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Stability…

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Stability…

Where will we begin today….

Where oh where….

I’m so tired of this…tired of feeling bad…tired of anguish….tired….

Up again at 4 am…not bad…and I think I only checked the time once during the night…maybe 2 am.  so 5 and a half hours of sleep….

I do remember at one point waking myself up grinding my teeth…I’ve almost got them ground down to nothing………caps it is!

So…we start…yesterday Syd got accepted to Canterbury…I robbed myself of tears of joy…can’t be wasting good tears on that!  I certainly am proud of my girls, and Syd will give you good reason to be proud…

I suppose talking to her piano teacher after her 3rd lesson could do it….he uses words like genius, gifted, smart, talented…he says he’ll need to practice to keep up to her….she is 13….

Ya…it makes me proud.  So we decided to go out for dinner with the Parker’s yesterday…Syd could show off her pink hair.

On the way home, Charlotte sitting between Syd and I in the front of the pickup, Charlotte decides to talk about the beach a bit…we talk about our next vacation….and Charlotte asks if Mommy was with us at the beach….I say not last time but Mommy was with us at the beach when we went to disney….Oh ya she says….

And Syd loses it….she wracks………….

I’ll wrack a moment now…….

Don’t worry….not the first tear I’ve shed this morning…..

Tired….

This life isn’t easy….it’s even harder than it might seem…..driving around in a truck full of young ladies either wracking or trying to console one another…..tiny Charlotte petting backs, trying to make bigger sisters feel better…..

You think that hurts….as a loving parent…..you think that might be painful………..

Ya….I have some pain……I’ve lived through some pain in my life….this….we shall see….

Anyway….I’m tired of it…

Babe…..I miss you so much…..

ev beach with charlotte

There we go…a day at the beach for Charlotte and Evelyn…

The Man Blog Weigh In

Let’s see what we have here, a distraction…

I’m at 227 pounds, a miracle after dinner at the ashton pub last night…it might have helped that I drank Ginger ale rather than beer.  A massive plate of chicken curry, some onion rings and perhaps a bite or 2 of Charlotte’s fish.

And here comes the weekend…

Now I have heard that there is some concern in regards to how I spend some of my moments…under liquids…and sure I make the occasional decision to drown my sorrows…but I pick my moments….

You know what…my demons are here for all to see….where are yours?

We will see if my demons drown this weekend or not…the diet may save them yet!

Better start with those that have missed today’s weigh in, we have Boyling and Trafford….Sorry guys….

Andy Trafford and Richard Boyling
I’m almost sorry about this one….I mean…It almost offends me…so I’m sure it might ruffle some feathers.

But this is obviously the sort of thing that is keeping these 2 up at night so late they can’t make an early morning weigh in.

Beagle is down at an even 203 pounds after a sauna, the elliptical and a swim

Parker…up from dinner at the Ashton, but he did have beer!  A whopping 250 pounds….and a road trip this weekend, bound to go badly.

So the run down:

Vic 227  -2

Beagle 203  -2.6

Parker 250  +1

Trafford  and Boyling….are getting straight….I don’t know exactly what that means…but I hope it’s nothing bad.

The Quote of The Day

Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, “Hey… life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.” Of course I’m paraphrasing: “Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
~from LA Story

Yep…back to my old favorites….

If you take this life too seriously…congrats…you’ve wasted it.

I have lived so many wonderful days….so many perfect moments….and I can’t remember a single one that didn’t involve love or laughter……..

No weekend man blog I don’t think….I’m getting in deeper….it’s going to be tough to keep out of the quicksand this weekend….I feel the warmth of it….

As I stare at the screen right now….I realize that feeling depression for the first time in your life at my age…with the wisdom to take the feelings apart and have a really good look at it….you understand how someone could just sit in it…just give up and let it take them….

I’ll go kicking and screaming myself….I’m too busy to wallow sadly.

Thanks today…Mandy, Sarah, Kevin, Mary, Yvette, Jen, geez…there are too many names….too much support…thanks to all of you.

I’d like to thank Andy and Boyling too…for their late weigh ins…perfect

Babe…I miss you…I’m trying my best to hold myself together….and of course….I wish you were here beside me.

I’m lost a bit right now…and I’m going to change it up…sorry…..I have to take care of myself better than this…time to hit the pavement, maybe punish myself with another of Karen’s hateful core classes….and do some lifting…

Beauty weekend…get out there and live!

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