Displaying all posts tagged with death

2 weeks later….

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Did Grandma stop by with cookies yesterday?  You bet.

I thought Charlotte ate 2 of them before we ran out the door to hockey….nope…she had just one…I didn’t eat the remainder of them….There may have been 2 dozen or more in the box….but I ate 20….easily 20….So many in fact that my stomach wasn’t happy…I may have even crushed a few past that point.

My weight this morning…a solid 233…not terrible.  I have seen 229…I’ll try to get back under 230 this week…after tonight’s poker I suppose.

Now….I have been working out….some…lifting…the lazy man’s exercise.  I’ve been busy though….things on the go with the kids…important stuff….Hey 233 isn’t bad…I haven’t been eating 20 cookies every day!

Russett

192 and holding.  He is really taking this seriously and looks much thinner….he is down chins…so many it’s hard to remember how many chins he had accumulated.  Last night he walked the dog from his house to the high school and back….while I ate cookies……

One of us will be lighter….

And I’ll be bringing KFC to poker tonight….


Look….Russett has really been working at this…Props….

Donald Ramsay Buchanan

Bulking…..


Donald is hard at it folks….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

time for a wee break from the new man blog….

Charlotte Wheeler

Some evening in the past few weeks I was laying in bed with Charlotte reading while she watched a movie, the Good Dinosaur…it seems nice enough and she was enjoying the time…talking to me a bit about what was going on.  I wasn’t paying attention to the tv until at some point she asked me if we could change the show…she was sad…

Rather than just changing it I rewound it a minute to see what upset her.

Ya….that is the sort of thing that will upset a little girl missing one of her stick people….and it upset me too….

A couple days ago as Charlotte got into the truck after school she gave me a look…and I told her I loved her face….she said “mommy faces”   She gave me the look…


I miss stick people too….terribly…..

The One thousand distractions that life offers are often not enough…they do help but there is still that nagging…..

At some point Ev is just going to walk in the front door…..

This morning we will pour tears and that’s just fine……………..

I miss Ev…we all do….too much…..I went to visit her on Thanksgiving…a trip to go see the bit of ground that separates us….someday…..

Krista

Krista and her 2 diet competitors are hard at it….Krista has managed 152….she is back to posting sweaty photos on facebook I see.

No updates on her competition other than to tell me one of them has been sick…and due to that Krista believes the sick one will end up in the lead….nothing like a good flu to help drop a few pounds.

We will get to the bottom of all of this soon.

Glen and Richard

Neither of these 2 have lost any weight….Richard hasn’t been to the gym I don’t think while Glen goes often enough….

Glen tells me past diets have offered him huge loses but this time very little….To that I say….stop shoving in food!

Seamus Browne

I’d love to make a joke about this but it simply isn’t funny any longer.  I read a stat yesterday that said just 17% of the population smokes now compares to 47% years ago….

I have to wonder how Seamus feels about being part of that statistic….Keep pouring money into that retirement plan buddy….

The Quote of the Day

Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, “Hey… life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.” Of course I’m paraphrasing: “Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” – Steve Martin   L.A. Story

You see folks….paying off that mortgage and driving new trucks is nice….but you have to have fun on the way.  Sooner or later we will be in the ground and you hate to get to the last day and realize you haven’t had any fun….

There is a time to be serious….but once you’ve figured out potty training that’s pretty much the end of that….

Babe….I love your face.

XO

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Ice Cream Sandwiches….

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Did I start a 30 day challenge?   oh oh…

One second, it’s the thanksgiving challenge right….that’s more than 30 days so I thought I might wait until I was actually 30 days out to begin…it’s the 9th of October…I still have a few days.

 

And this kids is why I now weigh 238.8 pounds.  Hey…I was heavier yesterday, a miracle considering I had a nice chicken sandwich at 10 pm last night…what did I wash that down with?

….Did I mention Syd is now working at the DQ?  You heard it here first…and I had 2 DQ ice cream sandwiches post 10 pm last night…

Diets…..

Russett is running the same plan as I am, posting a weigh in of 202.8 today, down from 205 yesterday….I sense someone is starving at the Russett residence.  Beagle did have to make a road trip to drop the boy off at school…it’s funny how The Keg doesn’t have calorie counts on the prime rib…

Richard and Kelly…these 2 are both very active….Kelly posted one of her signature sweat selfies on facebook yesterday…and may have mentioned she was up to 158….I think she said….Richard and Kelly haven’t offered up a weigh in today though, the last I heard from Richard he was at 388….he did tell me he walked 5 km yesterday….

You push 388 5k and tell me how you feel….

Anyway, Kelly knows better not to offer an update….Richard….this is his first go at this sort of thing….I won’t go easy on him.

I'll serve myself thanks....Richard D'Aoust

I’ll serve myself thanks….

Today we test Richard’s sense of humor….lol

As we can see, Richard is getting his fruits at least.

Tomorrow I hope to have a weigh in on the big fella, I mean 388….there is a bit of room to drop massive pounds….

Krista….Is there room to drop massive pounds on our sweaty Beach Body Coach?  Krista has a love/hate relationship with the man blog….It’s great to have a little bit more motivation and none better than posting your success or failure…or lets be serious, a combination of daily….but then there’s the photo shoot….and nobody likes to have  to bare all to the world….once in a while though…Krista gets adventurous….
Krista Kelly bikini
And there she is…ready for the beach….or one of her daily sweat fests….

Krista does have a sense of humor, this we know….but it only extends so far…so we can no longer tag her on facebook posts…she is an avid reader anyway so she won’t be missing this tidbit….

I won’t bother Kevin with the man diet this time around, he has enough on his plate….

So does Seamus….well he did…but he ate it, so I’m including him…Seamus did not offer up a weight but seeing as he stopped by the other day sporting one of his new Tents I’m going to take a guess at his weight….

First I’m going to offer up a review of his new ‘shirt’ I found on the internet.
Seamus Browne new shirt

This little yellow number he showed up in…still a wee bit tight on him I thought…plus judging from this review….a leaky zipper….

I’m not sure I’d be risking that one out on the golf course if it’s calling for rain Seamus…

Anyway…My estimate on Seamus…325…and not an ounce less!

4 Young Ladies and a Headstone

Charlotte and I stopped by to visit Ev on our way to pick up Ave from Bridgitte’s wedding on Sunday….

Charlotte left Ev a small stuffy she laid 100 kisses on…we told mommy we loved her…it’s not easy…..

As I pull out of the Cemetery I still question if Ev is there….it seems impossible….It’s a strange way of being when I think about it….unsure…..

Anyway….I can’t focus on that, I have 4 beauties here back to school….the running around between school and sports….I’m doing 400 km a day without leaving the city!

Zee Quote of Zee Day

At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.
Jane D. Hull

I’ll tell you this again and again….this is not an easy gig….I mean…hurricane’s….that’s easy…you wake up one morning and the weather service tells you a hurricane is going to hit next week. You pack up your things, board up the house and move north to stay will friends for a couple of days until it blows over and you go back to clear the downed trees…..

This….parenting….one day you are having a stroll, enjoying nature and all it’s beauty…a bird….just look at how pretty….and a volcano erupts under your feet….it sends you just clear of the debris and almost certain instant death….you scramble to make sense of everything, hustle up what you can, grab the kids and fight to get them to safety…timeline….15 seconds….

……you survive…..look…a bird………….and you feel the ground rumble…….

The life of a parent….the joys.

Babe….not a volcano to break us thus far….I miss you…..

XO

 

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The show begins….

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The Fat Man Blog

It’s on, Russett laid out a proclamation…he plans on losing 30 pounds in 30 days….by Thanksgiving our friend plans on coming in at 175 pounds….

So me…what do I do….agree to attempt the same.

Russett is 204.6

I’m 236.6 this morning, down from my official 30 day challenge weigh in of 238.6….and really, I’m down from 244 last week, which is when I decided I was going to do this…..diet…

The decision came during the HTG street party, some time between 11pm and 3 am….the days clearest hours.  Not a super big deal…but standing there beside Auns reviewing the crowd….it just struck me….this is too much…and Ev would not be happy…might as well dial this down a bit.  I’m not the spring chicken I once was!!!!  Do I really need 3 dinners every day?

So this is it…a diet in my life means 1 dinner…it doesn’t mean I’m restricting very much…well candy bars….I won’t be able to have 10 of those a week like I normally do but I did manage a wee bit of home made banana bread last night….it won’t eat itself!!!!  I can’t toss it out!

So…I’m just eating better, I’ve had a salad every night for dinner since monday….and not just a salad, the entire salad….oh wait…and a nice tenderloin Monday Tuesday and Wednesday…and salmon last night….So, ya, not starving.

Wait….I had a glass of red wine last night….it’s good for the heart….and the soul….maybe I should have one now….no…5:30 am….I’ll have coffee….one second………..

Done…nice.

Okay…along with Russett and I on this journey will be Krista…she will not lose 30 pounds in 30 days…as far as I can tell from her sweat lathered facebook posts she likely has nothing left to lose…but she is one of these beach body coach people….she has a misssion.  We will include her anyway….Then there is Richard from across the street….

Richard across the street…..sorry buddy…if you read this….sorry…

Richard told a few of the HTG boys maybe 6 months ago that he was starting a diet…he weighed in at a svelt 380 pounds and his goal I believe was to lose 80 of those….so he wouldn’t be having a beer with us….well…maybe just one….ish.  An hour or so later Richard’s wife stopped by with a cookie….

…..No word of a lie the thing was as big as a dinner plate…freshly wrapped in plastic while sitting on a Styrofoam plate…the cookie was too big to support it’s own weight…..

Richard was called out on this wee treat and told us he would just be eating half….the man actually took him xmas ham sized hand and rested it on the cookie showing us the half he planned on eating…..first….

oh my geezus…..I love it.

well 6 months later and Richard says his diet start Monday….so he is in,

Oh…just remembered…Russett and I have a bet, who ever loses the least weight by thanksgiving has to buy a bucket of KFC for the other….its low carb….

Of course we will include terrible photos of Kevin Parker and Seamus into the mix…and whatever else I dig up…like this old treasure…..

Kevin Parker

Which is actually my favorite photo of Kevin…I love it…it’s not even photoshoped….not like this next one.

Kevin Parker is immortal at the man blog

So…before I close the fat man blog portion for today I would like to finish of with one important note….

This is not fat shaming.  We are fat…and obviously not ashamed….What is fat shaming anyway….feeling bad for eating too many bonbons?  Nope…we eat our bonbons without shame…..

The Lifey Bit

Charlotte asked me on Monday if I would be sharing Mommy’s stone, to which I responded yes.  I told her I would be happy to be beside mommy when the time came….it’s an odd conversation to have with my daughter but the questions do come up…and at least when I’m put in the ground I won’t be rolling solo!

Her little friend was standing beside her trying to figure out what in God’s name she was on about….but that too is the Lifey bit.

What else do we have…Syd got a new job yesterday, she will be creating ice cream wonders at DQ starting Tuesday…fun stuff…Ave is at Grandmas for Bridgitte’s wedding, Rhi is pulling in shifts like crazy and really coming out of her shell…and Charlotte has 20 hours of ice this week……….

I’ve been up since 3am…and now I’m going to attempt a the first of 30 30 day shreds with Jillian Michaels….Ev is either smiling or laughing her ass off….we shall see.

The Quote of The Day

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
Brene Brown

What is good enough….Have I been good enough….good enough son….brother…father…friend….lover….human….

No….I haven’t been good at all of these things all the time….but I try….if I fail I try again….harder….I do try….

One thing I won’t be shamed for….sitting here writing my feelings….I will deny them face to face…but sitting here I will not be shamed….

and that kids makes me sad….

Time for some punishment….Ev style

Babe….you better hope this doesn’t kill me…..

XO

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The End of the Man Blog….

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The Man Blog as most of you have known it will now come to an end…..the man blog will continue for me….but it won’t be what it has been for the past 2 years….

I hope the man blog is once again a story of a man enjoying his life, his friends and his waistline.

20 of you will read it….once in a while….which is as it was….me…Ev….Russett, Mandy…close friends….c’est tout.

This is not the first end of the man blog I have written…there are dozens of posts written not published the last few months.  It was a tough bit between Halloween and now…Christmas….a disaster.

During that time I’ve realized I must focus on my children, I have to bring my life back to what matters most….them.  That or I lose the short time I have left….with them….with life…..

So…..I survived 2 years without Ev.  During that time I have lived so many wonderful moments….and suffered so much anguish.  That leaves me a bit lost….I’ve had to…..minimize my emotional expenditure…..seems awfully un-passionate to say….but there it is.

I think some people that have watched me closely may notice but for the most part I haven’t changed….I may have reverted….but not changed.

I’m not happy to be here….I’m not….but it’s less painful and if I focus everything I have left on the kids….well….I think it will be just fine.  In a bit….spring….future hopes….maybe a bit more color in the world will bring me around.

Right now….it’s not worth being out…not much anyway.

My mother died this month.  I miss her terribly.  Someone else I used to call when I was on my way to pick up Syd….running errands….another voice I’ll never hear again….one I love.

She managed to live 68 short years….maybe that means I have as few or as many as 22 left…..short time….Charlotte would be just 28….too young to miss me……………

The Quote of The Day

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.
Max Muller

From now on I’d prefer tears of joy….tears suffered via the great accomplishments of my children….tears for my friends good fortune….tears of love and life.

I do try….

I have been lucky enough to have shared time with a wonderful person lately, Ev would approve, the girls out with her tonight enjoy some time without dad….having some laughs.  Charlotte has someone extra to cuddle…..and me….I have someone to kiss….I do love a great kiss.

I thank and apologize to some of my friends….Kevin and Russett….I’m sorry I haven’t made the pub or poker as frequently as I once did….I love you guys and am forever in debt that I knew you’d never look at me sideways when you should have….Arthur….what can I say without outing you   lol….all the golden boys, all my hollow trail gate crew….I thank you all for suffering my tears….I thank you all for suffering my bitterness….I find myself quicker to react than I should be the last 6 months…..I’m very sorry……

I have been lucky in life and love….very lucky…..it hasn’t been easy…it won’t be….but we will all raise our glasses many more times together God willing….

I love you all.

Mom….I miss you….I wish you would come by just one time….

Ev…..Babe….I love you more than life…..I’d join you in an instant if you hadn’t left me with these babies….I promise I will do my best……..I love your face forever.

I wrack on the man blog for the last time….thank you all for reading….

XO

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

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I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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Belly Buttons….

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I cried today…chatting with a widow about a discussion I had the night before….Charlotte’s belly button came up and she gave me a face….just a glimpse of agony….

Charlotte used to play with her belly button a lot….not any more.

She did from a young age and she used to let Ev touch it too, seldom would she let me….Her and Ev would have talks about Belly Buttons, a tiny bit of mommy they would laugh and smile and always before bed Charlotte would play with her belly button and fall asleep….

After Ev passed Charlotte told me straight up….when she plays with her belly button it grows a little bit…..the mommy bit could grow…….

Ya….I’m crying again now…..my baby trying to grow her mom with her belly button…….

In the evolution of my life and grief I find myself a bit angrier these days….I suppose it could just be that my life is out of balance and that leads to a bit of lightning….something I really haven’t had in 10 years.  It’s something I used to control before Ev and I had forgotten about…..but occasionally I just feel a jolt…it’s something I’m working on….again….

My friends will have to show me some patience…..I hope.

Over the past 2 years a few people have told me I should make a book out of this blog….I don’t see it myself, but I might….I’ve compiled the entire thing and I’m going to give it a read from the beginning….

I’m not sure there is a book here….I see 600 days worth of removing some of my grief and pasting it here….I know it can help other people….the grievers for sure……anyway….I told the person that if I made the decision to make a book it might change the man blog…….we shall see….

There is one other thing….the posts that I don’t publish….some finished, others too hard too dark, some would continue for days……..I’ll have to reread those posts.

The Quote of The Day

Every ending is a new beginning
Your lucky # is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

As this planet we live on turns round and round I occasionally go on vacation.  During these trips there are always moments of solitude and I enjoy a good book at these times.  While passing through the grocery store a book caught my eye…American Gods, and it was the read on this latest trip.

A good book….turn a few pages….the wife dies.

Maybe I should read more female authors….or maybe I should start writing fiction…..

Babe….funny….I love your face….the babies are doing great!

XO

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Utopia….

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A wonderful word….utopia….u t o p i a…..

say it….it’s nice….

Utopia….A utopia (pronounced you-TOE-pee-yuh) is a paradise….

I’ve just returned from a week in Spain, those of you that are on facebook have seen 100 photos….a wonderful time for sure….

Amazing vistas…..fabulous moments with amazing friends…..a great vacation…..

Vacation….A vacation [vey-key-shuh n, vuh-] freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

It was nice to get away….I missed the kids but it is nice to get a break….it’s simply not easy to care for 4 little girls….it’s fun don’t get me wrong….we laugh….we live a wonderful life…….but it does come with a bit of stress……

One thing I do enjoy about Spain….and lots of other places………the feeling that Ev isn’t there….places where I don’t have memories shared with her….somewhere…..new places.  Spain is a new place and there is less……..pain there…..less torment…..

Torment….(tawr-ment) to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain.

There is less torment in some places…..

It’s not without some…..consternation….I’ll skip the pronunciation and definition and lay it out…..

I find myself on a terrace overlooking the perfect whitewash Spanish town.  behind me the Mediterranean, as blue as the sky other than the whitecaps of rolling waves…..ahead the Sierra Nevada mountain range begins, still to early too show the white caps of snow that will arrive even here at the edge of a desert…..and there….way up……

The thing about huge mountains, they seem so close….a short walk, 30 minutes and you could find yourself at their base….but in reality you will get in your car and drive an hour….maybe 2….before you reach them.  The majesty of these enormous stone entities…..once you’re close enough to realize the grass you saw at home are really trees, tall enough to touch the sky…..

At the summit……..Ev…..she could be there…..waiting…..her arms open welcoming my arrival…..and when I reach the peak where will she be….at the next horizon…..patiently waiting…..

Sanity……….I’m not sure how to define this…..

Do I consider walking off into the mountains…..to forever reach lonely summits……yes……of course I do…….although I know there would be so much pain within that existence it seems to be forever hopeful…..

You see……I’m still not there…..I still expect that sooner or later she will come home, and without looking at the posts leading up to or following last years trip to Spain I already know that I likely in a better place….I’d like to say I’m not in a better place mentally but that’s not the case….

I’m in a different better place…..but it still isn’t great….I find that I’m losing my grasp more and more now….I’m exploring being a normal person……and the hurricane that is…..I’m out of control……I have been for some time….

I’m going to work to sort that out……soon…..

The Quote of the Day

Your Lucky number is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

The universe provides me with a novel every time I go on vacation….this time…American Gods.  A great book…

Chapter one…..your wife is dead.

Every time…..every single time………..

There is more to heaven and earth…..our religions and spiritual beliefs do not begin to explain it…..or there is nothing….I’m hoping it’s something so big….it will make this seem like nothing at all…….

Babe…..I would climb any mountain…….I do that for you every day……I love your face.

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The Mirror….

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This is not the first Man Blog I’ve written since the last you’ve read, wordpress has a few bugs and it cost me a post last weekend before Charlotte’s hockey.  I thought I’d pour a bit so that I was on top of it at the rink….it worked, and I didn’t have to share……

Today I don’t have to write the man blog, I feel fine……things are as good as they get at this point in my life….and that’s pretty good.

I miss Ev terribly.  I think about her more than I should I guess…..way too much probably….

I haven’t had too many serious breakdowns….tears in the Movati parking lot talking with a friend, sure.  It’s simple though….I love that woman and I miss her….I miss her loving me….something I was thinking about before I managed to open up this post even though I had planned to write it this morning…..how much I miss Ev loving me…..

It’s not like I don’t have lots of love in my life…I’m well loved.  I have 4 daughters!  But I do miss Ev’s love….it was something I really loved…..

Hockey this weekend was a success, Charlotte enjoyed it.  I guess I’m a hockey Dad now, Ev would be very proud of how well Charlotte is doing….she glows with happiness.

Ave is trying out for all the high school sports just as I hoped she would and doing great at it.  Her grades are also really good so far….I think she is going to do amazing things….I’m so proud that she is following in her mother’s footsteps….I see so much of Ev in her.  I hope she does too, I do try to remind her……..

memories….geez…We golfed Kanata Lakes on Monday, Monique, the bar cart woman, and I were talking and she told me her mother passed when she was 3…..zero memories…..and on the way to hockey we passed Ev’s old Merc….Charlotte didn’t remember it at all…..I sold it 15 months ago and it’s already been erased from her memories……..I told her we would watch some videos of Mommy….the few we have….

Oh my God that makes me sad…..I wish she could know her mother….her power…….which is exactly what I told Monique…..she misses out on meeting a real life superhero………..

throat hurting…….

7am….just woke up the kids….I better make some lunches.

The Quote of The Day

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine

I’m not so sure…………

When I was younger I used to stare at myself in the mirror….an animal staring back.  Trying to figure out what was inside of me……

Now I look in the mirror searching for Ev…….I no longer talk to myself when I look into the mirror…..my words are for Ev.

Babe…..I love your face.

 

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Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….

 

 

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Shorter Days….

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This was a time of year that Ev loved….still hot most days, cool at night…and the prospect of the kids heading back to school…time spent quietly relaxing.

I like it too.  Soon the trees will change color and I’ll take a drive out to the hills and find a nice place to chill out for a bit and look around…….

I’ve had a monstrous August.  Closed the shop.  Went through so many memories while I worked on the basement, some were fabulous and made me smile.  Others…terrible….a brand new picnic basket that Ev purchased because Charlotte wanted to have one with her….it sits unused.  I almost threw it out…the day I decide to use it won’t be easy but I think I’ll attempt to have that picnic with Charlotte soon….

We had a street party last night and it was a ton of fun!  The kids had a fun filled day and the grown ups didn’t skip a beat.  I did manage to sneak away with Charlotte, we cuddled up in bed and fell asleep.

Not long into the night Charlotte awoke calling for mom….something that still happens quite a bit although I’m sure her memories are fading….hopefully she will continue to dream of Ev all her life….I do not….I still don’t dream much anymore, I probably don’t sleep much either.

I’m trying to reconcile my grief…attempting to go at it from new angles…we shall see…..

The Quote of The Day

The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself.
Douglas Coupland

You see….I must take the time to figure it out….it’s a painful process….and it’s lonely.

All it is you see….a big show….

I still can’t be myself….if I attempt to open up and talk about how I’m feeling….anywhere…the gym, sipping a scotch with my neighbors….driving to the grocery store with the kids……….if I allow myself to act and be how I really am…..I cry…..

I’m hurt…..I’m broken…..and I’m weak…..

The only place I really act the way I feel is right here as I write the man blog…..either wracking or fighting tears until my throat hurts……

Then I’ll leave the house and pretend to be a strong man….big….confident…..happy….

It’s just bullshit……

Babe…..I love your face.

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Just there…..just at the edge of sight…..

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I find myself searching more and more for Ev…it’s terrible….and I’ve been in a bad way for it…really fighting these days.

Is she there….just on the horizon….just out of sight…..lost….looking for me too…..

No…….

She is somewhere….and I am here…..and our paths will not cross again for some time…..but I still look……..too much………

I have been blessed with plenty of great memories this weekend….facebook has offered up a few…so has a quick trip to Toronto…odd really now that I put it together just this second….

Years ago we took a camping trip to Niagara Falls, Stayed in an Erie camp ground….hotel in Niagara….stopping in Toronto to visit some sites…..some I passed by this weekend….moments I loved with Ev…places that yesterday struck me deeply…places I actually went to visit after Ev passed….spots we laughed and held each other’s hands……moments………

Oddly an anniversary as Facebook offered up pictures from that trip this morning…wonderful photos of our family having so much fun…..

Looking at the date it’s been 19 months since I lost Ev….19 months…..I can’t believe it’s been that long…..

Sadly I’m terrible right now….I don’t know why but I fight tears too often these days….an hour on the treadmill today….driving…the grocery store….talking with friends……it’s almost like the first few months….I can’t even speak about her for a minute without suffering the urge to pour tears…..

….wracking…..

How much longer….19 more months?  19 more years?

The Quote of The Day

A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.  ~What dreams may come

That’s right folks….just a heartbeat in Heaven…..

What about here….hey….how many beats will there be?

My babies and I laugh every day….My friends are fabulous and my neighbors are welcoming…..my life is very very good…better than many, maybe most….

BUT…..it was better….it was perfect before………and now it hurts………..

Babe…..I know you’re there……I miss you too much……

XO

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