Displaying all posts tagged with anguish

How many man blogs have been written….

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You could count them….you can do it easily enough….but that simply isn’t the number.

I wish this would be the last one….the last one where I share my grief….I can feel myself start to sweat as I write this…….As I try to bury how I feel these days….return to someone I used to be….a man that could bury anything….

The count though is much higher, there are lots of man blog posts which simply never get published…they hide here…a testament to how much pain I suffer….

Not all about Ev either, there are a few from long ago, when Ev was still here…..months of missing Rhiannon when we argued and she chose to stay at her Mother’s….me too stubborn to ask her to come home and her mother too selfish to make her….Ev did read it years ago….Mandy too…she agreed…hide it………

I cried a bit those months missing Rhi….she was my first love….when she was born I knew I would change, soften, start the journey to be the man I am…..

Along the way I dealt with a few things….anger I carried from my youth…..a childhood in which I witnessed some terrible things. I didn’t know better though, to me that was what life was…..of course now that I know better you can be assured my children will not suffer those things…..

Suicide was almost a normal thing in my childhood….by the time my step father pulled the Cadillac into the garage when I was 19 I had seen enough of it to know what choice he was making….it almost seemed normal that you could just make that choice and carry it through….he did….

Hubert would have been about my age….he missed out on a lot….he would be proud of me today even though we certainly didn’t get along back then………he stayed in the garage………

That choice was normal…..

Too many of my hidden posts have been about suicide….it’s something I’ve thought about too much….

It’s a choice I won’t ever make.

One year…..I’ve survived…..some close calls, I had spiraled out of control for a bit….my friends quietly allowing me to make my choices….waiting for me to decide…one way or another……..

I see the look in their eyes when they want to tell me to give it up….knowing I won’t heed anyone’s opinion….I made my own….I’m better.

I remember the day I realized I was pushing it too far…in tears at noon after the gym….still wondering if I might drop dead….afraid…..sad…….

Never alone though……never alone………

I have been blessed with great family, friends and neighbors…….

I’m sorry for the ones I’ve let down at times…..I have made some selfish choices of my own…..

Thinking back over some of the posts that I’ll likely delete now…..I think back to the first few days, meeting Michelle Auns outside of Chapters…..that might not have been the lowest day since Ev passed…….but I was so lost then.  Michelle took the time to let me know I wasn’t alone…..when she went in to buy me the books I couldn’t find to help me understand my pain her purchase didn’t make the difference….she just let me know that her and her husband Dan would be just down the street if I ever needed them…

She did that…and hundred of others have too….everyone of these people have helped me survive…..I can’t list the names of everyone that has helped…..it will take all night and you’ll stop reading them regardless…..but you know who you are…..

You…..

Hiding is a thing….it might make me fester and rot….it might allow me to live a bit bigger…..I don’t know.  Mike (the tear whisperer) Herzog had a facebook post a few weeks ago in regards to suicide, asking his friends to copy and paste the contents into their own feed.  I would have liked to….but on my feed some of you might have felt it disconcerting….so….a hidden man blog….go figure.

That’s that….the discussion of what I’ve hidden….

This morning I stared at the ceiling at midnight….until about 1:30.  I went to bed at 9pm so today I wasn’t too tired……..you lay there staring at the ceiling over the time a year ago that Ev passed……it’s a weird thing that something inside you keeps you awake at that time….

Ev inside me……anguish…..

But when time came to get back to sleep I realized something I’ve said many times…..it’s all that really matters now.

I love our babies……I will care for them every single day until the end of time…..that makes Ev happy…I know.

The only other thing that Ev wants…..

Ev wants me to be happy…..and I’ll be damned if I’m not working hard to make that happen.

I will wrack from time to time….and for days and days it might seem to never end…….

But I will be happy.

Babe…..I love your face!!!!!

 

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