Displaying all posts tagged with anger

The tears I held…..

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I couldn’t cry with Ev….those last weeks.

She needed to see me strong and confident.  If I cried she would come apart, she needed me to know I could fix her…..

My tears were spent in the truck….little drives to let out my pain….my worry…..

I wonder if I had known I would only have 6 more weeks….would I have done anything differently….a few things maybe…but not much when it came to the space between Ev and I….there was none….

The boys talked last night at the pub about the old days….when I would only see them 3 times a year….when I spent my time with Ev…..they talk about these little things as I thought about the years Ev and I spent together cuddling……

That woman had a hand I could never get tired of holding……………..I miss it so much…….

I can’t believe she is in the ground…….I can’t…….

Have you ever dreamed of what it would be like…..to be in there with her……..I have…….I do…….I day dream about it………every day……..

we will wrack today……now……

I’m lost….I am….pretending to be someone again….I hate it…I’m not good at it…….it ruins me, the people around me and the experience of those moments we share………

It’s not like this all the time….but too much of it….any of it is too much…..

Is it easier to hide how hurt you are….or accept your damage, live with that fact…..

I love my wife…..still…..and you can say I always will and I know that’s true….but I love my wife……I love her like I’m going to finish writing the man blog while she sits on the sofa anxiously awaiting reading it….before….when it was fun….

One year ago today…..the fun ended.

 

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The new me?

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Kids off to school….another morning scratched off the calendar….a moment to breath before I take a shower, head to the shop, the gym…pick up the kids….dinner…..etc….

The same as you I’m sure….

Scratch off one more day….until when……..

Am I scratching off the days until I stop missing her…….until I fall out of love with her…….or until I see her again…………

My life consists of my babies and distractions……the time I must spend when they are occupied….to occupy myself…….distractions……

Somewhere in those distractions may exist something more…..a consolidation…..

A hand I want to hold again…..

Lips I can’t wait to touch…..

Now though……do I really seek those things now…..or do I scratch off days………

Babe………. I miss you so much…….someday……when scratching off days comes to an end……….

It’s been a few days since these tears wet my face……..but I can’t suffer that cure………no more………no less……

 

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The Push…..

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This man blog started days ago….this first bit….

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As the ship sinks a decision needs to be made….sink…..or swim and sink….

Do you continue to tread water…..or do you get sucked into the dark murk that awaits you inevitably….

The joys of the late night man blog…a scoundrel looking through the sewer grate…..tormenting…punishing……….

This weekend past like many have….long years ago…..it’s been a long time since I felt like this person…….a success perhaps….I wanted to get back to who I was, and I think I did the best I can at this time….

That leaves me here…..typing away at the man blog….empty…..I’ve drained myself via the mantra….I don’t care…..

Empty and dark I’ll make my way….head held high…unafraid…I won’t spill any tears….my eyes will boil away any trouble……

I’ve done it!  I’ve managed to lie cheat and steal to get to this point…..the loser….me….

Now the choice….continue….hold the rail for dear life as the boat sinks below the surface…..deep breaths….just one more…..or push away….too late to escape the inevitable pull as everything falls away…………

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I’m not sure where I am right now, the evolution of Vic is a tough thing to manage….

There are things you are, feelings you have…and there are things you want to be……..emotions you want to feel….

I have always been a fixer…..I work at making things work…..it could be a flat tire……or a life……

I’ve failed a few times….I couldn’t fix Ev……..and I can’t seem to fix myself……

wracking…..and I don’t want to wrack…..but I have to get it out….I’ve managed well recently….

I survived 10 months….

I turned myself off…..I let the quicksand dry up….freeze solid….I stood upon it uncaring….empty……..

Is that what I want to be…..is that my easy way out…..

I’m so lost right now.  I simply don’t understand where I am at…I find myself going through what I’ve read about grief to try to figure out how I’m doing….where I’m at….here, not believing in the common stages of grief searching them for answers…

What a mess…….

Anyway….does this get published…..sent out to be read, dissected, commented on…..

Feeling better by making myself worse…….less…..

What happens next……what do I become….where will I be……..

375 days ago I started the greatest failure of my life…………..I guess I’ll be counting down those days…….and the days after……for how long will I count these days………………

I want to hide these things…..I do most of the time…..looking at me on the street I don’t seem lost……….but I am….broken….I have no idea…….I’m just going through the motions….trying to figure it out…..me….my cure……………..

I’m sorry………I am………

How did I get back to this……..

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