Pain….or Suffering….

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I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the man blog…thoughts I would have shared here with you…but I haven’t written them down, many are lost…..lost….it’s a thing lost.  Sometimes you’ve lost too much, you yourself are lost too deeply….and sometimes you can’t get lost….there is simply no escape…..

At some point yesterday I realized I still await Ev’s return…..a terrible realization.  It came with another thought…..what do the ladies think…..

I’m not sure Charlotte waits for her return……I’m not sure…….but I wonder if Ave and Syd have the same feelings that I do in this regard…..It’s simply too big a force to be gone……….the space has to be filled by something……….

Anyway….I think that’s why I sit here right now….because I suffer….

It’s not enough to go on living….you think it would be….you suppose that there will be some gift for staying…..but no….you will suffer……stay and you will be forced to suffer…..

The more you fight your tears the deeper you will withdraw…..you will hide…..you will slowly back into the darkest corner where no one can see your feelings….

Lost….yet not lost enough…..

Ev will not be coming back…..I will feel the need to pour tears every day….and we will keep doing what we are doing…..

With that Charlotte comes up to me at the computer and offers me this…

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That’s me blowing bubbles in mommy’s stomach she tells me…..

I wrack…..so what…..

The only bad thing about it….I have to pour tears over such a funny comment and beautiful memory.

The Quote of The Day

Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.
Corrie Ten Boom

We talked on our way home from Ave’s tumbling last night, Sydney asked why we can’t remember our childhood…and I said our brain’s just get filled up with too much other stuff….

Charlotte says she will always remember……she won’t….

I will wrack………

Syd and Ave will remember more…..not enough……

I did say that technology is on it’s way that will allow us to remember more, Sydney says she wouldn’t want to relive her memories……….

I wouldn’t stop……………

If I could tell you how much I miss her it wouldn’t do it justice….I don’t know the words and you wouldn’t understand if I did….for every thought I share there is so much more I simply can’t say…..

Babe………I miss you too much.

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Days do as days do…

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Days do pass….

Most of them are pretty good….it’s spring….the firebird is out….the kids are happy….lots of get togethers with the boys and plenty of warm summer nights to look forward to.

Is it really good?  I guess it could be….

My life on a bad day is likely better than plenty of people….I laugh every day.

I’m focusing on digging a bit deeper at the gym now….trying to keep my consumption of dissolving fluids to a minimum…unsuccessfully.  It’s not that I think the drinking is an issue, I mean it’s one big night a week….it’s the painful fact that hard work at the gym is quickly erased by hard work on a few beers….and I want my lifting to pay off these days….

I guess I’d like to have a good old fashioned man diet….a weigh in like days of old….but I’m not sure I want to sit here and discuss it….my failure at eating chicken breasts and broccoli choosing potato chips and beer….why bother.

I’m a rather unimpressive 245 pounds….and although my arms over fill just about any shirt these days….so does my stomach.

Anyway we will see what we can do about that the next 30 days…..

Emotionally I have been reasonably stable….I have dealt with a few great stings of sadness during this period, the time between Ev’s birthday and mine will never be great for me….and with Charlotte’s birthday falling in between I will always be reminded of just how much Ev is missing…..

I miss Ev….

Sadly I still look for her every day…..in places…things…..people…..

So many tiny things that make your heart rise and fall…..

Anyway….not much to say tonight….just checking in I suppose…..

Babe….I love your face…..

What comes……..

The Quote of the Day

My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud.
Henry Rollins

I look forward to a lot of things in life……..and after…..

XO

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Birthdays….

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I cried at the gym yesterday….a terrible thing.

I don’t want to cry anymore….I rather not cry at the gym.  I’d like to think I can go, do and think whatever I want without crying….but I can’t.  I guess I’m at the gym building muscles to make me stronger while emotionally I’m weak…but I love Ev, and I miss her….and that hurts.

So gym, then a quick drive out to Prescott for a visit.  It isn’t easy to visit Ev when the cemetery is close but if you stick close to the fence you can get right to her….jump a bit of a creek and avoid a soaker…lol…she’d be laughing….

I talk to Ev everyday, I don’t need to go to Prescott to do that, but I like to….and soon I’ll be able to feel the grass under my feet again….and make sure things are good there for her and Charlie….a bit of soil and some seeds……I rather it be at it’s best…..

sadly……

After that a few of us got together at the pub to raise a glass….the ladies came for dinner………when I got home a had a few scotch….not enough to dissolve myself but a few…..

And I did not sleep….giving up at 3am…..that’s a wasted workout and makes for a tough day today…..

There are a lot of days I don’t cry now.  A lot of days I think about tomorrow rather than yesterday’s.  Day’s I can laugh with my babies without dreaming about what Ev is missing………….

It hurts me…..I want to share all these moments with her……they aren’t the same alone…..

And I’m not alone……

……I’m not sure how I feel about that all the time……

The Quote of The Day

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

Pearl S. Buck

Well that’s that…..

It’s been a while since I took this opportunity to thank my friends.  In this way I’m a very lucky man.  I’m surrounded by amazing people that really do nurture each other….Thank you….

Babe…..I love your face…..I hope you had a great birthday……..I miss you…….

XO

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Time is….

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Luckily when I’m really feeling bad…those moments when I find myself in it a bit…I make little notes if I can…reminders.

Wednesday, not this last one but the one before, I was driving on my way to poker.  The drive was via Kanata so I had plenty of time in the truck…

On the way a terrible thing struck me.  Just how badly I wanted to talk to Ev.  I just wanted to pick up the phone and call her…..I want to hear her voice….I want to tell her about my day….I want to tell her how much I love her….now……..still.

You know it isn’t easy….it seems easy I’m sure.  The people that see me every day must think it’s a breeze.  I make it look easy.

Let’s forget about raising 4 young ladies…..that’s not bad, I have that under control….it’s easy….it’s at the top of the list.  That simply means I hand out my hugs, let my babies now they are loved….safe….I attempt to create strong confident young ladies.  Love makes that easy, even on the impossible days….

My life though….that’s not as easy.  Again, I make it look easy, and those close to me think I’ve got it under control…maybe not the ones that are close close….they see the cracks.  For the most part though I seem well put together these days…..

But living isn’t easy.

The new life I’m trying to put together for myself isn’t easy to figure out, to find.  I’m working hard at it…..

But once in a while I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to her…..just 5 minutes….

I know that wouldn’t be easy.  It would be a painful conversation….trying to say so much in just 5 minutes….and the goodbye….I bet you think that would hurt terribly.

But I say that goodbye every day….every hour…..every minute…..

I’m still terribly lost…and god damn it…I’m still terribly hurt.

I try very hard not to cry anymore…I am now…so what….but I do try not to.

The people that are close close know it’s made up….they know I walk a fine line……

I hate it….and I hate the man blog…..

I want you to know….I miss her too much….

The Quote of The Day

I love your face
Victor Wheeler

I have kept myself in constant pain for months now….at the gym most days pushing myself to the point of extinction….that pain takes up a lot of space in my mind and keeps me strong.  I share it every day with Ev and the conversations I have with her when I’m pushing myself past my pain are what gets me there.

As far as the 5 stages of grief go…..who knows….acceptance…..what is that?  No, I’m not sure what that means…..

Babe….I love your face….I miss you…

XO

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I woke up and the color was simply gone…..

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I woke up and the color was simply gone….it had washed away in the blink of an eye…..the single biggest moment in my entire life…..the instant Ev left……

Jesus Christ……how does that make me cry today….after everything I’ve done in the past 15 months…after the life I have…the happy moments I live…..

……………………………………………………to be continued……without a headache….

I cut writing the man blog short yesterday, I went down pretty hard on the hover board, luckily my head cushioned my fall…the old head and neck haven’t quite recovered but I am going to attempt a trip to the gym shortly…

So…where was I……

You know what I spent a lot of my day doing yesterday….listening to the sound of my laugh…..

It’s a strange thing……the need to listen to your own laugh, over and over again…..luckily I have lots of little video clips that capture it…..it’s a sound I love to hear….and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people that bring it out…a life that has plenty of laughs in it.

When I went down on the wake board yesterday I took a moment to just lay there….I took an inventory of my bones….what hurt….what didn’t.  I had that little discussion in my mind, “You idiot”….and Ave stood over me…smiling….we had a good laugh….

It was Ave’s birthday yesterday and the Hover Board her one request.  It made her day, the neighborhood kid’s….and mine.  She had a wonderful day.

Ave is a child that glows when she is happy….she beams uncontrolled happiness….it is a force that makes everyone around her feel joy….

Charisma.  She has it, a gift from her mother……

So here I am this morning, it’s March break so only one of the ladies is awake, little Charlotte sits watching Curious George and eating a toaster strudel….the other ladies will sleep for a while yet.

It isn’t always easy being the single dad to 4 girls, the grocery bill alone frightens the hell out of me, it’s a mortgage payment…..soon the oldest will be dating…..driving….christ….it will be interesting.

For me though, they are the reason….they are the purpose.  To watch them grow, become great women….that’s what really matters….and those things are the moments I’ve enjoyed most this past year….these things I’ve been able to enjoy without regret….

And that kids is the point of all this rambling….

You see…I’ve enjoyed many things this past year…..but so many come with regrets…..

And you know what….they simply shouldn’t……I should be able to live my life without these regrets….

But right now….that is not the case.

The Quote Of The Day

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey

I’ve lost the ability to live in the moment….for the most part….

My mind always returns to Ev……and even the happiest memories are bound to make you sad…..How long I will live like this I don’t know…..I wish I didn’t have to…..I don’t like it….

It’s easy too….to keep moving forward.  I’ve been pushing along in all sorts of ways since the beginning….many of them were bad, but I’ve figured out the best path for me right now and I’m staying on it…..

I am trying….it is not always easy….a tug of war, a roller coaster, the flow of tides….all the cliches apply….

I am trying….

Babe….I miss you………I really miss you……………..

wracking……so what…..

XO

 

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The Ups and Downs at the man blog….

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Okay….maybe I poured more tears on Friday than I have in a while…it was a tough day.

It’s an odd thing….the Prescott area simply has that effect on me….Brockville too….the 416/417 corridor around it….

Why is that….well….that is where I met her….and that is where I have so many amazing memories with her…..Ev is in those places and so much of my heart is also….

And I wrack this soon this morning….because I sit here and think about all those moments….the moments I Love which now seem so painful……

first kiss

You see that tiny dot…..that is where we first kissed….it was a wonderful moment in my life…..and it’s a spot that I’ve passed by often….I spot I used to pass by with Ev….and sometimes I’d pull in….we would get out of the truck….and we would relive the moment…..

I loved her too much………

Since Ev passed I haven’t been back to that spot…I haven’t been in the Brockville Barley Mow, it used to be a Mexican restaurant….I’ve never eaten there, Ev and I only shared a pitcher of Sangria….we never managed to order even though we sat there for 5 hours….until they kicked us out to kiss in the parking lot………..

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this….thinking about the past and pouring tears.

The thing is, I’ve been trying to move forward for a long time.  It’s hard to do…it leaves me reeling…..I spiral…..

Sharing moments with new people is very hard for me….to feel comfortable with someone else….it doesn’t always hold up.  I do try and right now I’m giving it a really good go….

I’ve tried a lot of things this year, some have seemed like excellent avenues of escape…things that seemed to help me find solid ground but in the end added to the whirlwind….I have spiraled this past year, usually just slowly spinning, grasping at what needed to be focused upon at the time and then whipping along…forgotten moments.

I’ve also made the attempt to dig in my heels several times….really get some traction, but I’ve failed….a few times I’ve simply found myself dug in….ending in quicksand and turning to whatever rope could get me back….not to hard ground but up…spirally at the edge of control…..

On the bright side those ropes at Home Depot didn’t ever seem enough….no….I would punish myself in other ways….

These days it’s the gym….I have escaped under the weight I choose……..next up….I will attempt to lean out….we will see just how focused I can be….this line is thinner….

I did discuss this with Donald on Friday night, he told me I was getting too big, and when I explained to him that the gym fulfills a void in my life he exclaimed that he knew that….like I was working out like a crack addict hiding some pain….which is true.  I use the gym as a drug….it makes me feel great…mentally and physically….

And as I sit on the bench with a 120 pound dumbbell in each hand….taking a few breaths before I lay down with 240 pounds on my chest and start pushing…..I look at myself in the mirror and say to Ev…..let’s do this…..

I wrack saying that….thinking about the conversations I have with her every day…..my imagined responses…..

I try to guide my life with her these days….I attempt to manage my life as if she was here…..

That makes me so sad to think about…to type….wracking…..

You see….I don’t want to be this person….I don’t want to have to share these feelings….I don’t want to feel them!!!!   I wish I didn’t have to….I do not want to………..

The Quote of The Day

You can punch a wall or write a song. Just as painful either way, but you have something to show for it at the end of the day with a song. Trent Reznor

I don’t have to do this…sit here and write the man blog….

I could endure my grief silently hiding behind a smile….having a beer at the pub with my friends, no one the wiser….

I could share 100 kisses with someone I enjoy and they would never know what goes on behind my closed eyes…..

I could sit here alone pouring tears and not type….

Babe….I miss you too much….I love your face.

The Weigh In

246 pounds today, only 7 pounds less than the most I’ve ever weighed….time to lean out……..

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The season will change….

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Looking at the long range forecast for Ottawa…it’s over.  Winter has come to an end…..as it does…..

How am I feeling?  I’m not sure….I find myself in new places all the time.  Good things are around me all the time, unknown things or those forgotten….from long ago.

I hate this man blog….I sit here and tell the type of things no one has to tell….in the end you become my therapist….sitting there listening to my chatter….my confessions….

Let me start with this, so far this morning I have not cried.  The last day I cried was the last day I sat here and click clacked these very same keys writing this same man blog…..so it goes….

I have fought tears a few times, digging up stories….spilling the beans on how I feel, who I am, or what I think…..

This weekend I will be driving passed Ev a few times….I’ll bring my boots so that I can trudge through the snow…..I will stop to tell her I love her even though I tell her 100 times every day……

Now I will wrack……I’m sorry……

You know, doing this isn’t easy….some of the people in my life see me and think it is…they look at me and…I guess they figure I make easy work of it….”If I can do it”….anybody can…..

Ya….I can do it….I wish I couldn’t.  I wish I didn’t have to learn these lessons…..I’ve learned enough lessons………..

Where did I begin today…..oh ya….new experiences, long forgotten…..here we go……

I’m trying….I wish they days were easier……

The Quote of The Day

Let your mind go….and your body will follow…
Steve Martin (LA Story)

My favorite movie….a quirky love story……this has been my favorite since my early 20’s….when I was a simply ruffian….not much has changed…..

I do try to let my mind go…..it has been a mantra of mine for so long……..

For everything that is said…..for all the good and bad things I speak of here…..so much more goes on…………..

So the man blog continues….we need a weigh in challenge to bring a few more laughs to the show….You should see Parker, at the gym every day for weeks now!

Babe….I love your face….I miss you terribly……

XO

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Sunny Days….

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A week away with the ladies in the Dominican Republic…

Surrounded by a great group of people….we all had fun.

This trip was a lot like the last.  I had plans of late nights and long daytime naps….I told the ladies before we left that I’d prefer if they could spend a bit more time with Charlotte this year so that I might have more grown up time….but…all but the first night I ended up in bed with Charlotte, there just might be something going on in Frozen, the Princess and the Frog, maybe even the book of life…some tid bit I missed the first 100 times I’ve seen these movies…

I could have stayed out….I chose not to.

Most of my days I spent at the pool or water slides with Charlotte while the big girls did their thing…at the beach with the rest of the group or playing volleyball with the Parker kids.  I spent days with the parents of the little girls that Charlotte would play with, and a few rum and cokes….

There was a lot of happiness for all of us, a wonderful trip with great people ensures that.

I did attempt a man blog while I was away, one evening before dinner on the porch….alone.  It wasn’t going to be a mournful ramble….I was simply trying to share a bit of our joy.  Had the internet been better I would have too….but now you’ll have to get it from home as big fluffy snow flakes tumble down…..

I did not cry at all during my week away.  Moments of sadness, sure….but those were just memories.  Here they are….

ev and charlotte

evelyn kindervater wheeler

Ev love

Evelyn goes golfing

Evelyn KIndervater-Wheeler and Charlotte Wheeler making funny faces

Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler at the cottage

I have a million memories…..I love them so much that it kills me to look at them….to know that this person can not be pictured in my memories ever again.

I wrack…..so what……

I make new memories…..

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A million memories are yet to happen for me and my babies…..I intend to make as many of them happy as I possibly can.

The Quote of The Day

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

I wish life had never offered me this….I hate it….it does offer something worth searching for.  Life….

I know what matters and I surround myself in it, I’m immersed.  I also try to teach my babies that love is a very important part of life….and not just from a spouse or significant ‘other’.  The love of your friends and family are important too.

My children and I are lucky to be surrounded by people that love us…and we are lucky enough to have people we love.

Babe….I love your face….your babies are happy….xo

XO

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Valentines….take 2

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Just now I went back and read my Valentines post from last year….my thoughts…I think I was bitter….hurt….angry….

Looking back I realize just how much of a disaster I was then, how much further I still have to go.

I also realize how far we have all come….Syd and Charlotte behind me now, sitting together on the piano…trying to play a tune together….Ave and Rhi watching tv, relaxing before we head out for a little pre-vacation shopping….

Things here are good.  We are doing good….happiness fills our lives.

I’m better this Valentines day, I’ve come a long way.  I’m still missing Ev….every day.  I miss the moments that everyone that has shared love misses.

The other day while Syd and I were in the truck it I thought about this thing that Ev used to do….I sign of affection she would share….a simple thing really but…she would hold me and push at the same time….like an attempt to stretch me…to ease some tension.

To me it always felt like a deep connection…..it was an expression of love…..and while Syd and I sat at a red light I gave her that push and told her that her mother used to do it to me….that I missed it….

I’m sad to think about those things I miss….her touch….I fight wracking right now….so hard the back of my throat hurts…..

I will not cry this Valentines day…..

I will love my babies.  This morning I made pancakes with fresh berries, woke the ladies up early and enjoyed a few perfect moments in their company….

Everyone got a big hug this morning, Ave might have hogged more than the rest….she loves a good hug…..not as much as I do, but close  🙂

Anyway…I’m rambling.  I have more on my mind than I can express here.

This I can say….on vacation this year I will once again find myself alone….sitting on the porch of my room….it will be late, humid and warm…..a bit of music….a book….a beer…..

I will be alone……

I search to share that moment again…..and now….my heart is in it…..

……….the man blog just took a 4 hour pause to pick up bathing suits and what seems like an entire summer wardrobe for a few girls…..

I  didn’t think I was going to publish the man blog today, I thought it would join dozens of other days I’ve chosen to hide….but…here it is….

….my heart is in it….I feel connected right now.  I don’t know how long it will last or what will come of it…..but I am happy….

The Quote of The Day

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.
Victor Hugo

I remember the first time I ever kissed her….I could take you to that exact spot.  It is one of the wonderful memories of my life, a moment and a feeling I will never forget.

I’m making new moments….I hope they stay with me forever….

Babe….I love your face.  I miss you every day.  Thank you for loving me….I love you for so many things, for teaching me…….

So what if I’ve cried today…..even if I didn’t want to….the day isn’t ruined by it.  This is my expression of love….tears streaming down my face……….

 

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Where does time go….

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I jumped on here this morning to pound out a quick update….it’s been a while………

Having a look I realized I didn’t remember when I last wrote the man blog…a week…2?  So I thought I’d search for a theme that offered up a date stamp..  It didn’t take long to find a nice one and I ran a preview of it….

It was okay…but it expanded background images….I found it made the posts a bit harder to read….but I scanned through a few to see if it would work….

Words and pictures fly by in the foreground…..

and an eye…………

and lips……

magnified………

wracking…………..

I miss her…….it’s not fair that I have to be hurt for this long……it’s not fair………………..

I’m trying very hard to move forward….I’m fixing myself, trying to get healthier…..I want to find a person in my life I can love…..I am trying……..

…..I’m hurt though….and it’s not easy to share……it’s also hard to hide…..I’ve been trying……

I try not to hide here….and after 14 months I still find myself sitting here pouring tears.  I try now to turn this feeling off.  Right now I make myself…….colder……untouchable…..worse…..

If you’re not going to feel what are you going to do….where will I end up…….

I hate the man blog……..

Anyway…..

The Quote of The Day

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin

This isn’t funny.  It’s fun, I do my very best to ensure that we have fun around here….but I’m missing….I’m not just missing something……I’m missing……

Ya, I’ve heard it….I’ve said it….

I’m nothing….it’s fine…..but I’m trying…..

The Weigh In

I’m not going to bother the guys for a weigh in right now….I’ll offer my guess based on years of it….

Andy Trafford…aka…old dusty….is down.  From photos I’ve seen of the old fossil he is now sporting a beard also….his is darker than mine even though he is twice…or maybe 3 times my age…go figure.

Trafford has been on the shakes….he is down…..

That’s it though….everyone else is even or up….

Now some of us are getting bigger due to the gym, Kevin Parker may not be losing weight, but he is changing shape.  Arthur is a rock and I am not the smallest guy around….by a long shot.  The 3 of us will be Andre, Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Piper by spring…..I sure hope I don’t have to be Andre……

The Turk, the Iranian and the Italian are all back to their traditional diets….although Vinnie is still working out daily carrying around his necklace…..

Beagle….I’m sure….he didn’t look terribly thin drinking tracksuits at poker Wednesday….

That’s that….vacation season is just about here….

Babe….I miss you….too much…..

XO

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Just the skinny….

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Is it Friday….yep, we all made it again…and hot dog and toboggan day with the bigger 2 off due to exams…you know what that means!  2 less lunches and the 2 I had to make….no sandwiches!

Hey…the little gifts a parent is happy to see.

What did I weigh in at this morning…239.8 pounds…under 240!  And down 5 pounds since Monday…low carb!!!

Do I enjoy going low carb…no sir…but I did up my carbs yesterday a bit, a high protein salad added about 24 grams although I think it only net 6, plus 1 and a half quest bars….another 8….2 whole eggs….3….lets throw another 10 in to be fair.

Less than 30 grams of carbs all in….no beer folks, no scotch either….I haven’t had a sip since Sunday…this evening the boys are getting together after work….at least one scotch….I deserve that!

Or not…depending on who you ask….lol

Anyway, I think I might be able to get pretty close to 230 if I can keep this up for the next 18 days….I mean half a pound a day…I spent an hour on the treadmill yesterday!  Have you seen what 240 pounds looks like on a treadmill….not pretty!  The sweat….my god…..

Good old Kevin Parker joined me on the treadmill after he pushed a bit of weight yesterday, he told me he felt strong after a few days rest…

Parker weighed in yesterday at 254 pounds….he is working hard though…harder than he ever has I think.

Beagle

Groundhog day for Beagle, his metabolism is reeling from diet red bull I presume…

man blog, groundhog days

Pirouz, Arthur, Ayhan and Vinnie

Arthur is away at a hotel somewhere…no weigh in…but he is doing the hotel gym every day.  Vinnie is eating pasta, Pirouz is down 2 pounds…off the rice…and Ayhan is way down at 187.6

Ayhan say “but Turkish dinner on Saturday, Layla Turkey soon.”  okay….if you say so.

Old Dusty Andy Trafford

Andy is also having a groundhog day…I think once you’re down to bone….it gets tough to drop even on the shakes…My advice Andy…get your skinny old butt over to the Carlingwood and walk some laps!

Andy Trafford walks the mall

The Quote of The Day

So, What if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things.  One at a time.  Just let your pile of good things grow.

Rainbow Rowell

I mean with a name like that…it’s hard not to.

But honestly kids….why not….seek the good things….its as simple as putting a smile on a cashier’s face….

How easy?  The next time the cashier asks how you’re doing….say fabulous….watch in amazement….

I’m going out for a beer this evening for a good round of man hugs from the boys….good times!!!!

Babe…another wonderful night here, and many more to come…..I love your face….missing you always.

And I fuking wrack….

XO

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Just Fat Men Today…..

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Okay…since Monday I’ve been hitting the low carb diet…so much fun.

Let’s start with the important things I can NOT have.

Beer

I also can’t have breads, candies, cookies, donuts….the good stuff….that stuff is all gone.

Can I keep this up for the next 3 weeks….If I do…I’ll be close to 20 pounds lighter, I know, I’ve been here before.

A few years ago we did the 21 day sugar detox, I think mine ended up being 18 or 19 days due to a weekend trip with the boys to Tremblant….I lost 18 pounds I think…Facebook just offered up a memory, the end of the sugar detox at Tremblant this day in 2013….go figure…..

This time around I’m in the gym every day, I almost feel that I’ll lose less because of that…part of those 18 or 19 pounds last time were certainly muscle.

I’ve been in the 240’s lots in the past 5 years, when Ev told me she was pregnant with Charlotte I put on 40 pounds pretty much instantly….so did she…of course she took hers off.

Now, the 241.4 pounds I weighed in at this morning aren’t the same 240 something pounds I was 2 years ago….I’m bigger….less fat…more muscle.

To get to 220 at this composition is going to be a lot more work than it used to be……when I was just fat….

While we are talking about just fat….

Kevin Parker

Has Parker been to the gym in a week…I don’t think so.  I have heard a few excuses though…and he might have sent a text that he was just leaving the pub…this morning…after 1 am….

Well Kevin…..the last weigh in you offered was 254, I’m a betting man so I’ll hazard you’re 256 this morning….did you notice that I wasn’t at the pub last night.

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Old Old Old Old Andy Trafford

Ancient Andy Trafford hit the scale this morning at 179 even.  He tells me he is on nothing but shakes for the next week….20 days until the beach fossilized Andy Trafford….why just starve yourself one week?

Where is that bit of paper that has our this round starting weights on it….damn it…..wait…there it is….crap…Andy started late he isn’t on it….one sec…..looking back through 100 texts….where oh where…..ah…not bad, Andy did start at 187 so he is still down.  Only 9 pounds away from his goal too….

dinosaurs-amp-paleontology-in-the-classroom

The headline on this photo was 135 million year old dinosaur fossil found….Andy….is this one of your dogs?

Vinnie

177.5 pounds….that’s up for Vin.  Dude….light pasta man, give it a shot……

dodgeball-goodman-fat

Is this a photo I need to photoshop Vinnie’s face onto?  NO SIR!

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What is that?  Vinnie………..

Ayhan and Pirouz

Both of these 2 offered up excuses for their weight gain this morning…..Ayhan blamed Raki….lion water….I’m not sure Ayhan.  Pirouz at least came up with something you can live off of….Iranian rice?  Who knew.  Priouz says Iranian rice is to an Iranian was beer is to the rest of Europe….

See….this is why they don’t need alcohol in Iran….they have rice!

Ayhan….190.6

Pirouz  159

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Beagle

Beagle had poker last night….every Wednesday…I did not go…to many wonderful carbs and boozy treats for my simple mind to resist…..But beagle….how many treats did he manage…

Let’s not think about what Beagle ate before poker…

At poker….2 pulled pork sandwiches….Cheetos….Jelly beans…and 8 track suits…

8….If you’ve had 8 6 pump track suits you have no idea how many you’ve had….diet red bull though folks….like normal red bull isn’t bad for you……

195.8 pounds…..I’m not sure the bbq pork sandwiches are working…..

fat bbq

2 pulled pork sandwiches….bahahahaha

While looking for this photo I typed fat bbq into google and clicked images….the second was a photoshoped photo of me….damn it…..

oh shit….I just google Sean Russett….just to see how terrible the photos of him are….his own place of employ served up this beauty

sean russett

Geezus….I’m so glad I was able to capture this before they got wise and removed it……lol

Love you buddy!

The Quote of The Day

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
Doug Larson

I’ve said it 1000 times…I hang out with a group of maybe 20 guys…none of these guys is the normal dude.  They are love life and live it to the fullest.  When we meet me hug….at the pub there may be songs…on vacation we are a scene….

I’m thankful for these friends and 100 more I don’t see twice a week.

Babe….I love you….regardless of anything….I will always love you….

I’ve just driven Syd To her first exam ever and was heading to park across the street to wait for her….a truck pulls in exactly like our last one….a blonde woman inside…..I hoped it was you….I thought of following to see you again….

I didn’t……

I’m broken….I’ll get better

 

Wracking………..

 

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