Longer….

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I’m going to play poker tonight, over to Russett’s to hang out with the boys…games of chance you could hardly call it poker…a few beers…some laughs.

This is something I’ve been doing for so long….poker get together’s existed long before Ev, but Sugar Bear became the host and the only place I find myself playing after she came into my life…..Wednesdays….some very late Wednesdays…

There were times she would be mad….too drunk to drive home…not willing to stay in the basement at poker….I’d try to sneak out, SB would say I was quiet like an elephant as I bounced off the walls and fell out the door….it would take me 2 or 3 times the norm to get home….practically crawling to get back to her………..a weight off her chest too, forgiving me for being so late when she saw me the next day….laughing at my condition….seldom mad….maybe when poker fell the night before a family get together….ya….then I’d be in some trouble…..

I spent the day working on the basement, working at setting up a better home for these kids as they get bigger…for me too….

Syd had gone through a box of memories Ev had stored which forced me to trudge across quite a few things to ensure no memory was lost….and I thought at some day I’ll sit and look at it all…see things I’ve never seen….see Ev in photos I haven’t been lucky enough to view yet….

I saw a few today….in every one I thought about how beautiful she was….I was actually quite happy to see images of her from before we met…..

Her smile…..her eyes glowing….little Syd or Ave in her arms….even Em…..little Em…..

It will be some time before I’m….good….again….it will take longer….for sure….

I won’t be crying during this man blog….I will suffer the pain of holding my tears….my throat aches forcing down my emotions right now……

It makes me look inside myself….it changes my grief to anger……it makes me…..quieter….introspective….

Not in sadness…..I don’t know….I’m punishing myself by not letting go…..

The Quote of The Day

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
~Ellie Goulding

Let’s get this straight….I know I’m not right….I get that I’m a bit off….

I work hard at making everything good…really good…for my children, for my friends….for the people I meet every day.  If it wasn’t for the man blog you’d have to get really close to me to realize something wasn’t right…..

Ev wasn’t going to pick a weak man….she knew I’d make this work. I’ll miss her longer….and I’m fine with that.

Babe….I’m scratching things off the to do list…..I love you….

XO

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Fragments….

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Ev always loved a good coffee mug, me too…there is an extra bit of peace in your morning drinking coffee out of a great mug….one that has a moment attached to it….

I save a few….moments…..

One of my new mugs, a nifty blue and white pottery number I picked up when I was in Spain has developed a tiny crack in the handle.  As I lifted it to sip my coffee one morning this week I heard the tiny sound of the fracture….the grating of two almost perfect bits rubbing ever so slightly together….

I’ve started sitting on the front porch again….just this month, every morning I enjoy the warm sun, the newspaper and a coffee…..on the space that I made to be enjoyed with Ev……….

It’s not fair that I can’t rejoice in a memory like that.  I consider myself a very happy person….but I have so many brutally sad moments…..I can’t get away from them and I’m not sure I want to….yet….there really is likely no escape but I am trying….

I’m currently really really really trying to get my head around not waiting for Ev….I’m trying to spend a bit more time alone…….well….as alone as a guy with 4 kids can be….their little friends about….

But I mean alone….without a piece of someone else there to touch….to feel with…..

The medium told me that I should…..and that Ev said I should drink less too ( she said she rolled her eyes in regards to that )….well I asked for it, and I got it….

Drinking less isn’t a problem….most days….it sure does make for some alone time as much of my social life…my friends…all enjoy a cold beer…and since it seems it will never rain again there is always a reason to have one….

But I am trying to ease it off a bit….just a bit…

I’ve been working on the basement…trying to keep the house a bit tidier….I haven’t been to the gym in ….a week….sadly…but there is just so much going on here….soon….the kids will be back to school and I will have to build a new life schedule.  I’m hoping to do the gym at the exact same time every day….I must get that part of my life back, it’s healthy for my mind and body….

I have also had to close up things for the shop, stuff tied to Ev….us….so many little things that need to be sorted out….

fragments…..

the bits and pieces of my life….some of them seem like they aren’t mine….like tiny cracks that make a noise….making me notice that they still exist….reminding me that something is wrong…..

I’ll fix the mug….just a drop of crazy glue will make it as good as new….for some time….

The rest of it….me….I’m trying…..I’m a bunch of pieces….and I’m trying to get them all put back together the right way….but sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

The Quote of The Day

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
By Henry Scott-Holland

I saw this in the newspaper this week….I tore it out and stuck it to the fridge….

I do not want to feel this way anymore…..it hurts and I want it to stop….I hate the man blog….I hate that I share my thoughts and feelings….I hate that I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself…..

My 6 year old asked me today if Mommy signed her up for soccer last year….sitting in the driveway playing chalk with 2 little friends…..and I said no she didn’t babe…..who did Daddy, why didn’t mommy do it….she falls silent……mommy was already gone last summer…………………

It hurts….and she is hurt…..we all are……….fragments……

Babe…..I miss you too much…..

XO

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Next…….

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I spend plenty of time in my house in one room….an office…

It’s a good little space and while I’m in here the kids can have the living room to watch their shows…..

While Ev was alive I spent time in here also, but most of the time we lay around on the sofa watching TV, cuddling Charlotte….in those days….the “good” days, I hung pictures in this room…..a drawing of Cobras a friend bought me, one I picked up at Canadian Tire too…the old cobra, just like the one I built….

Other pictures have always hung in here too….photos of Ev and I, one of just her….one of my favorites of her….looking at me….searching for something in me……………..

This morning I hung our family photo in here that was at the shop and I wondered if this will become a good or bad space for me………….

I miss Ev a bit too much these days….I’ve always missed her terribly every day but now that I face new challenges in life it is magnified a bit….that her hand isn’t in mine….her arm isn’t around me…..

When Ev touched me it just wasn’t the same as anyone else…..she touched me with a purpose I guess….it felt different…….

I really miss that……I’m searching……I look for her everywhere……..

It’s terrible really….it shows how little I’ve managed to get better…..

I considered this morning if I should take these pictures down……I wonder if at some point I have to pack Ev up into boxes….

wracking…….

I’ll be back to Brockville this morning to pick up Lola, I hope to get the ladies to Calypso and La Ronde this week….We haven’t missed a trip to La Ronde since Ev and I met….a summer tradition that won’t end until Charlotte outgrows it.

The Quote of The Day

I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things that we might have been. Dave Matthews

I’ll stop by and visit Ev today….I’ll dream of digging a hole and laying down beside her……….

Babe…..I see you in every cloud….every shadow….I’m sorry I just miss you too much…………

 

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Just there…..just at the edge of sight…..

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I find myself searching more and more for Ev…it’s terrible….and I’ve been in a bad way for it…really fighting these days.

Is she there….just on the horizon….just out of sight…..lost….looking for me too…..

No…….

She is somewhere….and I am here…..and our paths will not cross again for some time…..but I still look……..too much………

I have been blessed with plenty of great memories this weekend….facebook has offered up a few…so has a quick trip to Toronto…odd really now that I put it together just this second….

Years ago we took a camping trip to Niagara Falls, Stayed in an Erie camp ground….hotel in Niagara….stopping in Toronto to visit some sites…..some I passed by this weekend….moments I loved with Ev…places that yesterday struck me deeply…places I actually went to visit after Ev passed….spots we laughed and held each other’s hands……moments………

Oddly an anniversary as Facebook offered up pictures from that trip this morning…wonderful photos of our family having so much fun…..

Looking at the date it’s been 19 months since I lost Ev….19 months…..I can’t believe it’s been that long…..

Sadly I’m terrible right now….I don’t know why but I fight tears too often these days….an hour on the treadmill today….driving…the grocery store….talking with friends……it’s almost like the first few months….I can’t even speak about her for a minute without suffering the urge to pour tears…..

….wracking…..

How much longer….19 more months?  19 more years?

The Quote of The Day

A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.  ~What dreams may come

That’s right folks….just a heartbeat in Heaven…..

What about here….hey….how many beats will there be?

My babies and I laugh every day….My friends are fabulous and my neighbors are welcoming…..my life is very very good…better than many, maybe most….

BUT…..it was better….it was perfect before………and now it hurts………..

Babe…..I know you’re there……I miss you too much……

XO

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The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

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The entire universe……

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What does the entire universe come down to in my life…….

It comes down to one single point….the smallest measure…………

The tiniest single spot I could touch Ev again…….

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Dreams…..

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This week I’ve decided to close Samadhi Wellness…..not an easy decision….probably one I should have made sooner for myself….

Holding on to memories even though they hurt me terribly…..punishing myself…..

I am lucky enough to have a little wiggle room in my life to decide on a new path….something that I want to do for the next chapter of my life….

I have to live….and as painful as it is I cannot always seek Ev’s shadow…….

I could go on and on telling you how badly I feel about this decision…..and the kids gone this week camping………..

Ya…….

Anyway…..I will fight my tears a little harder the next while……but I will be better in the end.

 

The Quote of The Day

All love stories are tales of beginnings. When we talk about falling in love, we go to the beginning, to pinpoint the moment of freefall. Meghan O’Rourke

It’s hard not to agree with this….but at some point that controlled freefall….that feeling of weightlessness….ends….and then you find yourself clawing at thin air……trying frantically to find balance……

Babe…..I’m sorry………..

 

XO

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Counting days…..

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You know what….the man blog weigh in challenge just doesn’t have the same sparkle it used to….so I’m not going to do it….and I think I might just delete the last few posts.

It’s not as funny as it once was….it will be again….but not this month….in the midst of a cold winter as we pretend to get ready for the beach perhaps….

………………………………

Today was Avery’s grade 6 graduation….

Avery…..geez…..

Recently Ave needed a photo to hand in to her class for graduation.  I thought she meant a baby picture so I went down to rummage through Ev’s old memento’s………..

Sadly there isn’t much there for Ave…..One big container of old photos and 95% of them are of Syd….the early days of Ev’s first marriage….when maybe things could work out…..

But Ave came along and things didn’t get better….the camera wasn’t out as much…..those years are lost………

I sat down there thinking about the portion of my children’s life that is lost….memories that no one has….not even them….

Yes Charlotte will have very few memories of her mother later in life….even now…..I’m not sure….but we do talk about Ev quite a bit….when it comes up I always take the time to listen to Charlotte’s moments and add whatever I can to them…

I also share how I feel about Ev….whenever I’m missing her I let the girls know….I tell them I miss Ev and that I love her….

You see…that right there is the problem………

I love Ev……

…………..

That leaves a bit of emptiness in a person……that isn’t easy…..

I miss my wife….and I know some people don’t like to hear it but I miss her too much…..

I hide it pretty good these days…..but nothing has changed…..

…………

What has changed…..Avery is growing up.  She is a beautiful power house just like her mother….I try my best to nurture that….I hope to be there to help her not make the early mistakes Ev did…..it won’t be easy….Syd will help though…….

It really isn’t easy….but it comes with a real benefit….

Hugs!

And that’s really all Ave ever wanted…..Syd too…..those 2 girls always just wanted more love….and now I have more to spare…..

And that’s good for all of us.

geez….I’m not sure where this man blog started….what made me write it….I know lots of it didn’t get written.  There is simply too much going on that I don’t care to share….much of it isn’t easy…..but it’s life….it’s no different that the trials and tribulations every one of you suffer….

The Quote of The Day

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
Ernest Hemingway

I dreamt of Ev twice last week….once awake….The dream I had of her while sleeping lasted hours…..one of those beautifully vivid dreams……we lived a normal day together……it was truly wonderful for me……but then it turned to hell…….because just like the last time Ev wasn’t quite happy……………..Charlotte had died………..

I pursue my worst nightmare in my sleep………..

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you terribly…..I’m trying……

XO

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Single Father Boogie…..

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Busy week….Dance, Dance, Dance, Experimental farm, swimming…..you know….family stuff….

Let’s start with swimming and my friend sugar bear….

I chuckle, the times SB has mentioned how lucky I am…..was….dozens of times he reminded me of the star I had in my life….as if I didn’t know…..and I brought it up while Charlotte and her friend swam on the weekend…..how he used to tell me I’d never find another……this when Ev was here….when we both thought she would live forever, not knowing she was sick….

My darling mother too….saying lightning doesn’t strike twice…telling my I’m SOL……..maybe…..

It’s something I do have to ponder….every day……every hour……maybe not every minute…maybe not anymore, or maybe not as much….or maybe I’m just used to the seconds passing without her….that morbid weight realized….accepted…..

I see some of the color in life though, looking outside the grass is greener, the little red tree across the road glows under the sunshine…this without any help…..sadly

I also share the joy of Charlotte and her friend playing in the pool….the giggles force any warm blooded human to smile….that my greatest pleasure these days….

I was lucky enough to volunteer to go to the Experimental farm this week, and also had the pleasure of watching Charlotte and 2 of her close friends experience the animals there….a good day….it might have started with Rob Hewitt getting me crying on the front lawn of the school….but hey….fond memories can attract a bit of the old eye water….I can tell you that…..

You see….I was happy.  Not just a happily married guy….no…it was more than that…..I was happy……

I’m happy now.   It’s different….really different….but I am happy.  I guess more than anything I’m not willing to be unhappy…who in their right mind wants to wake up unhappy….I do not make my way around this world miserable….I have my moments, but I release those feelings and have done that for quite some time….

To be really totally honest though….I mean 100%….and this really sucks to type out here……..at this point…..still today….I think if it wasn’t for the kids….I’d just dig my hole beside Ev and get into it………

I’m hurt…..and no matter what I do…..I’m still hurt…………..and I’m tired of being hurt……………and it isn’t going to stop……

Ya, I hate the man blog…..the place I go to write down what I’m thinking………really not the most fun………

Anyway….I’m sorry…..and don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere…..I have a house full of little humans to take care of…..

As luck would have it……the little buggers do make me laugh…..

The Quote of The Day

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle

I really do wish to delete today’s man blog but I’m not going to….a dozen of these posts exists unpublished here and this one deserves to fly….the topic has come up a bit recently and it is an important one.

Just so we all understand…..I’m just expressing my thoughts…they might come in handy for some other widow/widower….some other person suffering…..I’m not going anywhere.  Tomorrow is always a new day….whatever may come….

Babe…..I love your face….Grass between my toes this weekend.

 

XO

 

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sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO

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