Oh…the shame….

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Is there Shame in being Fat?

Is there Shame in being Gay?  Let’s think about the social acceptance of being a homosexual these days and consider the difference between that and being Fat.

Is being gay a choice?  To some people it might be….some homosexuals might choose to live their life ‘straight’…whatever that means….but it might very well mean less in that life….less joy….maybe less love…

To most people that are attracted to their same sex….it’s something they are born with….genetics….maybe not genetics…but it’s who they are….their being…

And Fat?  Is it all that different?  Some people are genetically ‘Fat’….heavier than their skinny friends….One person eats an ice cream sandwich….bean pole…the next…chubby…its who they are…their being…..

Does that mean I have to choose not to have ice cream sandwiches….well that depends….do I enjoy eating ice cream sandwiches?  Should I not have what I enjoy…….Now….do I need 3 dinners….maybe not…..

20 years ago I hung out with this guy named Rob…he was a bulky dude…I was thinner then…my 195 vs his 250 at 19 or 20 years old.

Rob and I would occasionally play a bit of squash, we’ve played maybe 10 games vs back then.  One day as we were at the desk at the Nepean Sportsplex the girl behind the counter made a comment….something along the lines that I should go easy on Rob….that he would die trying to keep up….

…..I mean I appeared to be in such better shape…..

Well Rob had a natural athleticism, he was light on his feet…I don’t know…back then he seemed lighter than me…happier too come to think about it…sadly…but he just seemed to have a bounce I didn’t have….

Anyway….I told the girl Rob would kick my ass….which he did….every time we played…..

The fact that I was a pack a day smoker back then likely didn’t help….I habit I gave up at 28 upon the birth of my biggest baby….

Do you think Rob has shame in his appearance?

No….

Do I today?

No….

Russett?

No…

Richard?   No….  Krista….No…   Kevin…No…   Seamus…No….

We are all comfortable with the people we are….we have no shame.

Fat Shaming is not a part of the man blog.  The man blog is a celebration of our lives….a story of the ups and downs of the people included here…..

…..a moment in your day….an added smile….a laugh……I hope.

Hey….after all my tears….am I not permitted to share the other things in my life…..aren’t we all entitled to do and be whoever we are or choose to be?  Can we not share our journey…thoughts…and feelings….or will we be told which to offer…..

What have I been in my life……terrible…….mean……selfish….hurtful…..demanding…..   I have been….in spades…..I have been a mean, inconsiderate, horrible, uncompassionate human being……

Have I grown…..I do try…..  The days of not shedding a tear over a sad movie….a hurt dog….a friend in need….what have you…..those days are over….and were long before I lost Ev.

Am I comfortable with who I am…..I am….I have laid out so much here….my pain…..I am no different than I was when I was a child….I am still afraid of the dark….I am still socially anxious…I consider myself shy….I’m not as wise as I once thought I was….nor as strong……..

But I am me…..and I will stand up for that….and my friends….

No shame in that……

Anyway….I want to lose weight because my knees hurt….my vert is about 2 inches and the landing hurts….can I do that?  Can I want to be a step faster at 46 years old and share that….That’s what we all want here….

…and to have a bit of fun doing it…I mean after the Jillian Michaels 20 minute shred can I not have a laugh….at least at myself!!!!

So…..the fat man blog….

I have new weigh ins

Russett….he forgot to send me a weight…..he did offer up this photo yesterday which might have something to do with it….

Sean RussettI managed a bit of the old weight loss yesterday, 237.2…down just over 2 pounds….How…….well we are out of ice cream sandwiches….and when I picked up Syd from the DQ I only had one…or 2 bites of Charlotte’s dipped cone….I had 2 eggs and one slice of toast for breaky….skipped lunch…..spent the afternoon in Court learning about how children of divorce have to deal with things much like I would if I lost a parent or friend…..5 stages of grief….heard of them………Anyway….I had Mcdonalds for dinner…..down 2 pounds….go figure……

Krista will be excused from the daily photo shoot today….I think….offering up a weigh in and a little diary of events…..let’s review.

……….So today Angie Poirier and Stuntman Stu came to do a “Candy drop-off” which resulted in me eating a bag of gummy bears. Then a leaving lunch at an East Indian Buffet so today eating wise was BAD. There also may have been some Caramel corn while watching Game of Thrones. I did manage to do Pilates and get a bit pink. Tonight I weighed in at 154 which is the most I have been in over a year…need to stop eating crap! I need to get back to 145 where I felt amazing! Hope you didn’t eat many ice cream sandwiches. Jesus I hope my girls never work at DQ. I’d be 300 pounds full of Oreo Blizzards! 😆……

…..These are her exact words….I should have asked her if it was okay to quote her but….

Krista has no Shame…..

Richard….did not offer a weigh in….in his lack of shame he let me know he liked the photos, he wondered what the hell Krista was thinking….you have to know her….no weigh in from Richard, he only hits the scale once a week he says, today he will offer an update….besides..you have to go easy on the scale at 388….Richard has been working at it though, I bet he is down a good deal…..I wonder if he wants to make it two buckets of KFC?

Richard D'Aoust KFC
Wow….rambling….

Seamus….up again….382 pounds…..I’m not sure he even cares about the Thanksgiving weight loss challenge….

Yesterday Seamus had 2 mcgriddles for breakfast….at lunch he had a salad….well he had the bacon cheddar Angus burger and it had pickles on it…that counts as a salad.  Seamus was too tired to craft up much of a dinner…he had a bag of doritos and 2 litres of pepsi while watching football…..he is off the beer on Thursdays…

Yesterday an old friend of mine offered up his opinion on fat shaming….trying to get a response out of me….my friend Donald told me in the past 2 years that he preferred me before I lost Ev….he said I was more argumentative then….I would stand taller for my opinions….

Well dear friend….surprise!  ….I’m back….

You see darling….While suffering from what I believe is something like PTSD….something I don’t understand fully…..I haven’t been able to focus on much the past 36 months….I used to read a book a week….for decades I went to bed at night reading….

….I have read 4 books in the last 2 years….to the end….I’ve started a few others but put them down 20 pages from the end….why…I don’t know….I’m not well…..what do you want me to say….I have no shame in that either….I am what I am and work hard to get past these issues….which is why I do this Donald….

…and dear friend….this you should understand…….

So….I present to you …..my friend Donald….

Donald is a bit thinner than the rest of us…it might be the curls….I’m not sure…

Donald is 5’9″ and weighs in at 127 pounds….I consider it light…but whatever…who am I to skinny shame……

The Quote Of The Day

Having been poor is no shame, but being ashamed of it, is.
Benjamin Franklin

Feel free to exchange the word poor….as society evolves there are a lot of words that we strive to get better at not being ashamed of….to do this requires a skill…..the ability to learn….

The most important lesson….forgiveness…..we must forgive the people that have made us feel shame….it gives us a strength…over them….then we will have no shame….

I wouldn’t mind being able to get around without the screaming knees though….so I’ll have to limit the ice cream sandwiches.

To my friends…I love you all….I will always stand for you and give you everything I can….forgive me for my weakness and I’ll forgive you for yours.  Arthur….none of this homosexual talk is directed at you….we all accept you buddy!  XOXO

Donald….if…..you want to grab that bag of jelly beans from Russett’s desk….it would be appreciated….I do love jelly beans and he is not willing to share.

Babe….hey…what can I say….it’s exactly what you expect from me.

XO

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Starving may be a thing….

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Yesterday I had 2 eggs and a slice of rye toast for breakfast…lunch….a bowl of home made soup….dinner…a steak…and some chicken, a salad…..I may have had an ice cream sandwich….wait….no….I had 2   …..we are out of those if I don’t buy more!

Then….poker…it is Wednesday after all…and like the man blog of new old and always…we do get out once in a while….

I won $130, drank 4 beers and left….I may have eaten several handfuls of bits and bites….on my way home I stopped for snacks for the kids….chips, a bag of twinkies, dip….a bag of bits and bites….

Ya…I ate some of or all of all of the above….

today’s weigh in….239.4  Up

Hey….30 days starts on the 9th doesn’t it?

Russet……he had a salad at lunch….no dinner.  zip nothing ,nada…..he did have track suits…at some point in the night he switched to diet track suits….which means zero cal red bull…..he did eat some bits and bites…I saw it.

His weight….200.6

So….he starved himself and lost…..5 pounds…is that the key?

OR….maybe the first salad Russett has had in 2 years did the trick….the man shat 5 times during poker….it’s his once every 24 month cleanse….one leaf of lettuce will do that to you if you haven’t had a veg in years.

No updates from Krista and Richard today….guess what that means????

Richard D'aoust and Krista Kelly
I’m still being nice…..ish

I haven’t heard much in the way of niceties from Seamus in regards to his shirt yesterday, a bit of abuse….but that’s about it….he is up.

I bet you Seamus is over 340….Richard I’m guessing is down….378.

Krista….her husband is telling her to send the weigh in….anything to make the photos stop!

Krista…unlike the rest of us here, does work out and sweat and eat right….all the important stuff.

Not that Seamus isn’t getting a good old fashioned sweat in …like OLD fashioned….I’m not sure if this is photoshopped or not…I just stumbled onto it….

Seamus Browne
Ya….I don’t know what to say about that…it is what it is people say…I’ve heard…

You can tell from the photo…at that point in his life he was working out….HARD!

The Quote of The Day
I’m looking forward to the future, and feeling grateful for the past.
Mike Rowe

The man blog is what it once was…better…a laugh….

As I’ve said 100 times…Ev would be anxiously awaiting me to say it’s done so that she might read what punishment lay ahead for my buddies….a diet ongoing for 6 years plus….

One of these days we will actually lose weight….well not Seamus….but the rest of us…even Kevin will get skinny some day……………

Babe….XO…big stuff in the works here…and I know you love it.

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Ice Cream Sandwiches….

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Did I start a 30 day challenge?   oh oh…

One second, it’s the thanksgiving challenge right….that’s more than 30 days so I thought I might wait until I was actually 30 days out to begin…it’s the 9th of October…I still have a few days.

 

And this kids is why I now weigh 238.8 pounds.  Hey…I was heavier yesterday, a miracle considering I had a nice chicken sandwich at 10 pm last night…what did I wash that down with?

….Did I mention Syd is now working at the DQ?  You heard it here first…and I had 2 DQ ice cream sandwiches post 10 pm last night…

Diets…..

Russett is running the same plan as I am, posting a weigh in of 202.8 today, down from 205 yesterday….I sense someone is starving at the Russett residence.  Beagle did have to make a road trip to drop the boy off at school…it’s funny how The Keg doesn’t have calorie counts on the prime rib…

Richard and Kelly…these 2 are both very active….Kelly posted one of her signature sweat selfies on facebook yesterday…and may have mentioned she was up to 158….I think she said….Richard and Kelly haven’t offered up a weigh in today though, the last I heard from Richard he was at 388….he did tell me he walked 5 km yesterday….

You push 388 5k and tell me how you feel….

Anyway, Kelly knows better not to offer an update….Richard….this is his first go at this sort of thing….I won’t go easy on him.

I'll serve myself thanks....Richard D'Aoust

I’ll serve myself thanks….

Today we test Richard’s sense of humor….lol

As we can see, Richard is getting his fruits at least.

Tomorrow I hope to have a weigh in on the big fella, I mean 388….there is a bit of room to drop massive pounds….

Krista….Is there room to drop massive pounds on our sweaty Beach Body Coach?  Krista has a love/hate relationship with the man blog….It’s great to have a little bit more motivation and none better than posting your success or failure…or lets be serious, a combination of daily….but then there’s the photo shoot….and nobody likes to have  to bare all to the world….once in a while though…Krista gets adventurous….
Krista Kelly bikini
And there she is…ready for the beach….or one of her daily sweat fests….

Krista does have a sense of humor, this we know….but it only extends so far…so we can no longer tag her on facebook posts…she is an avid reader anyway so she won’t be missing this tidbit….

I won’t bother Kevin with the man diet this time around, he has enough on his plate….

So does Seamus….well he did…but he ate it, so I’m including him…Seamus did not offer up a weight but seeing as he stopped by the other day sporting one of his new Tents I’m going to take a guess at his weight….

First I’m going to offer up a review of his new ‘shirt’ I found on the internet.
Seamus Browne new shirt

This little yellow number he showed up in…still a wee bit tight on him I thought…plus judging from this review….a leaky zipper….

I’m not sure I’d be risking that one out on the golf course if it’s calling for rain Seamus…

Anyway…My estimate on Seamus…325…and not an ounce less!

4 Young Ladies and a Headstone

Charlotte and I stopped by to visit Ev on our way to pick up Ave from Bridgitte’s wedding on Sunday….

Charlotte left Ev a small stuffy she laid 100 kisses on…we told mommy we loved her…it’s not easy…..

As I pull out of the Cemetery I still question if Ev is there….it seems impossible….It’s a strange way of being when I think about it….unsure…..

Anyway….I can’t focus on that, I have 4 beauties here back to school….the running around between school and sports….I’m doing 400 km a day without leaving the city!

Zee Quote of Zee Day

At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.
Jane D. Hull

I’ll tell you this again and again….this is not an easy gig….I mean…hurricane’s….that’s easy…you wake up one morning and the weather service tells you a hurricane is going to hit next week. You pack up your things, board up the house and move north to stay will friends for a couple of days until it blows over and you go back to clear the downed trees…..

This….parenting….one day you are having a stroll, enjoying nature and all it’s beauty…a bird….just look at how pretty….and a volcano erupts under your feet….it sends you just clear of the debris and almost certain instant death….you scramble to make sense of everything, hustle up what you can, grab the kids and fight to get them to safety…timeline….15 seconds….

……you survive…..look…a bird………….and you feel the ground rumble…….

The life of a parent….the joys.

Babe….not a volcano to break us thus far….I miss you…..

XO

 

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The show begins….

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The Fat Man Blog

It’s on, Russett laid out a proclamation…he plans on losing 30 pounds in 30 days….by Thanksgiving our friend plans on coming in at 175 pounds….

So me…what do I do….agree to attempt the same.

Russett is 204.6

I’m 236.6 this morning, down from my official 30 day challenge weigh in of 238.6….and really, I’m down from 244 last week, which is when I decided I was going to do this…..diet…

The decision came during the HTG street party, some time between 11pm and 3 am….the days clearest hours.  Not a super big deal…but standing there beside Auns reviewing the crowd….it just struck me….this is too much…and Ev would not be happy…might as well dial this down a bit.  I’m not the spring chicken I once was!!!!  Do I really need 3 dinners every day?

So this is it…a diet in my life means 1 dinner…it doesn’t mean I’m restricting very much…well candy bars….I won’t be able to have 10 of those a week like I normally do but I did manage a wee bit of home made banana bread last night….it won’t eat itself!!!!  I can’t toss it out!

So…I’m just eating better, I’ve had a salad every night for dinner since monday….and not just a salad, the entire salad….oh wait…and a nice tenderloin Monday Tuesday and Wednesday…and salmon last night….So, ya, not starving.

Wait….I had a glass of red wine last night….it’s good for the heart….and the soul….maybe I should have one now….no…5:30 am….I’ll have coffee….one second………..

Done…nice.

Okay…along with Russett and I on this journey will be Krista…she will not lose 30 pounds in 30 days…as far as I can tell from her sweat lathered facebook posts she likely has nothing left to lose…but she is one of these beach body coach people….she has a misssion.  We will include her anyway….Then there is Richard from across the street….

Richard across the street…..sorry buddy…if you read this….sorry…

Richard told a few of the HTG boys maybe 6 months ago that he was starting a diet…he weighed in at a svelt 380 pounds and his goal I believe was to lose 80 of those….so he wouldn’t be having a beer with us….well…maybe just one….ish.  An hour or so later Richard’s wife stopped by with a cookie….

…..No word of a lie the thing was as big as a dinner plate…freshly wrapped in plastic while sitting on a Styrofoam plate…the cookie was too big to support it’s own weight…..

Richard was called out on this wee treat and told us he would just be eating half….the man actually took him xmas ham sized hand and rested it on the cookie showing us the half he planned on eating…..first….

oh my geezus…..I love it.

well 6 months later and Richard says his diet start Monday….so he is in,

Oh…just remembered…Russett and I have a bet, who ever loses the least weight by thanksgiving has to buy a bucket of KFC for the other….its low carb….

Of course we will include terrible photos of Kevin Parker and Seamus into the mix…and whatever else I dig up…like this old treasure…..

Kevin Parker

Which is actually my favorite photo of Kevin…I love it…it’s not even photoshoped….not like this next one.

Kevin Parker is immortal at the man blog

So…before I close the fat man blog portion for today I would like to finish of with one important note….

This is not fat shaming.  We are fat…and obviously not ashamed….What is fat shaming anyway….feeling bad for eating too many bonbons?  Nope…we eat our bonbons without shame…..

The Lifey Bit

Charlotte asked me on Monday if I would be sharing Mommy’s stone, to which I responded yes.  I told her I would be happy to be beside mommy when the time came….it’s an odd conversation to have with my daughter but the questions do come up…and at least when I’m put in the ground I won’t be rolling solo!

Her little friend was standing beside her trying to figure out what in God’s name she was on about….but that too is the Lifey bit.

What else do we have…Syd got a new job yesterday, she will be creating ice cream wonders at DQ starting Tuesday…fun stuff…Ave is at Grandmas for Bridgitte’s wedding, Rhi is pulling in shifts like crazy and really coming out of her shell…and Charlotte has 20 hours of ice this week……….

I’ve been up since 3am…and now I’m going to attempt a the first of 30 30 day shreds with Jillian Michaels….Ev is either smiling or laughing her ass off….we shall see.

The Quote of The Day

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
Brene Brown

What is good enough….Have I been good enough….good enough son….brother…father…friend….lover….human….

No….I haven’t been good at all of these things all the time….but I try….if I fail I try again….harder….I do try….

One thing I won’t be shamed for….sitting here writing my feelings….I will deny them face to face…but sitting here I will not be shamed….

and that kids makes me sad….

Time for some punishment….Ev style

Babe….you better hope this doesn’t kill me…..

XO

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What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

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If I live until I can no longer climb my stairs

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It has been a while…..a good bit of time….

I’ve tried very hard to not do this…..

I win.

Amongst a dozen men…all hiding how they feel…I fit in wonderfully.

I’ve become the person I was 15 years ago…..an idiot….I know exactly who I am, what I feel….but I’m not going to let any of you see it….I’m too strong.

 

what a joke.

 

 

 

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The End of the Man Blog….

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The Man Blog as most of you have known it will now come to an end…..the man blog will continue for me….but it won’t be what it has been for the past 2 years….

I hope the man blog is once again a story of a man enjoying his life, his friends and his waistline.

20 of you will read it….once in a while….which is as it was….me…Ev….Russett, Mandy…close friends….c’est tout.

This is not the first end of the man blog I have written…there are dozens of posts written not published the last few months.  It was a tough bit between Halloween and now…Christmas….a disaster.

During that time I’ve realized I must focus on my children, I have to bring my life back to what matters most….them.  That or I lose the short time I have left….with them….with life…..

So…..I survived 2 years without Ev.  During that time I have lived so many wonderful moments….and suffered so much anguish.  That leaves me a bit lost….I’ve had to…..minimize my emotional expenditure…..seems awfully un-passionate to say….but there it is.

I think some people that have watched me closely may notice but for the most part I haven’t changed….I may have reverted….but not changed.

I’m not happy to be here….I’m not….but it’s less painful and if I focus everything I have left on the kids….well….I think it will be just fine.  In a bit….spring….future hopes….maybe a bit more color in the world will bring me around.

Right now….it’s not worth being out…not much anyway.

My mother died this month.  I miss her terribly.  Someone else I used to call when I was on my way to pick up Syd….running errands….another voice I’ll never hear again….one I love.

She managed to live 68 short years….maybe that means I have as few or as many as 22 left…..short time….Charlotte would be just 28….too young to miss me……………

The Quote of The Day

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.
Max Muller

From now on I’d prefer tears of joy….tears suffered via the great accomplishments of my children….tears for my friends good fortune….tears of love and life.

I do try….

I have been lucky enough to have shared time with a wonderful person lately, Ev would approve, the girls out with her tonight enjoy some time without dad….having some laughs.  Charlotte has someone extra to cuddle…..and me….I have someone to kiss….I do love a great kiss.

I thank and apologize to some of my friends….Kevin and Russett….I’m sorry I haven’t made the pub or poker as frequently as I once did….I love you guys and am forever in debt that I knew you’d never look at me sideways when you should have….Arthur….what can I say without outing you   lol….all the golden boys, all my hollow trail gate crew….I thank you all for suffering my tears….I thank you all for suffering my bitterness….I find myself quicker to react than I should be the last 6 months…..I’m very sorry……

I have been lucky in life and love….very lucky…..it hasn’t been easy…it won’t be….but we will all raise our glasses many more times together God willing….

I love you all.

Mom….I miss you….I wish you would come by just one time….

Ev…..Babe….I love you more than life…..I’d join you in an instant if you hadn’t left me with these babies….I promise I will do my best……..I love your face forever.

I wrack on the man blog for the last time….thank you all for reading….

XO

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The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

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What comes…..

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In dreams….in life….tomorrow…..

You don’t know….

I don’t know lots…mostly myself anymore…..

This is the first day I’ve cried in a long time….and that means I’ve been doing plenty of faking it…..I’m tired…….

A friend of mine talked to me about a widow the other day….not knowing what to tell this young lady who lost her husband 7 months ago….I’ve had to talk it over with a few widows lately…..it’s not easy…..

The girl is lost….she doesn’t know if she can go on…she questions life….

What do I have to tell her……it will get better, you will be less hurt…….no……you will get used to that…..it will become normal and you will live with it…..

You will question life less…..you will accept that it will be harder……you will not consider driving into oncoming traffic…..as much…..

you will spend days talking to yourself out loud….months discussing things with yourself in your mind…..

Some days will be impossible….others will be fabulous, offering you moments of redemption…..times when you do not constantly consider what you have lost….who is missing….how you are feeling…….

Things will get better…….

……………………………………………………….

I’ve sat down to write the man blog a few times….I start….my thoughts sit here saved forever….or until I share or delete them……..

Today I purge more things from the basement….I have once again been forced to look at 10 thousand photos.  I see pictures of Ev and her high school friends and imagine scanning them and sharing….but there are too many…..Ev saved so many memories……I now have to go through them to make sure that no memento that the children would love doesn’t get tossed while old cheque stubs do….receipts from fill ups on the highway….a poker chip from the day we were married….tiny notes Ev wrote……..so many things…..

This so that I might get this basement finished….why….to attempt to get my house in order?   Hoping that will make more light in my life?

It’s hard…..it seems to be getting harder…….

Ya, at 7 months things are really bad, I was lost at 7 months….it was terrible.  Looking back there is a bit of a fog at 7 months, there was for me….the future could not be considered….I believe I focused on getting through every day at 7 months….every minute…..

The Quote of The Day

What interests me is whatever it is that allows the heart to continue to yearn for something the intelligence knows is impossible to have: a lost love, a shelter from life’s blows, the return of a time past, even a connection to the dead. ~Alice McDermott

I thought to myself today while going through boxes….if I could only hear her voice again….I may have said it…….

what else…..I said these things….

…..To fight one more time

…..I’d have her back to tell me to go away

…..How will I do this with you gone

In fact, I said I couldn’t do it…..I’ve said I’ve had enough….I ….do ….not ….want ….to ….feel ….like ….this ….anymore

I will though….for thousands of days…..I’ll be faking it forever…..

Babe……fuk……….

 

 

 

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Love…..

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As the man blogs dwindle away to almost nothing you’re left thinking about meaningful topics…..and nothing means more than this one….Love.

These days even typing the word is cause for a pause…..it’s something you really have to sink your teeth into.  It’s meaty….using a man term….it has real weight in my life these days…..more than it did….ya….its laughable the difference…why is that?

Why…..am I simply older…..so set in my ways I don’t worry about it now……not like the old days when my mother warned me I would be lonely at 60….those times she told me to search hard for someone I could rest with in my last days.

Is that the story?   Are those the options…..loneliness or love?……..it makes sense I guess…..it just might…….

I haven’t lived much of my life without love….the early days, sure….my youth.  Love was tougher when I was a child, much tougher than it is for my children I think…but reminiscing always goes that way, your worst memories….the pain…the shock….that’s what stays with you…..

My Mother gave blood sweat and tears to raise my sister and I….it must have been hard….it seemed it to me………

Off track….terribly…..

Ya, Mom always warned me that old age would be lonely, but lonely has a space, once you’re used to it….it fits…

Tonight’s man blog….

I think it’s important to note how much better I’ve been doing….

I think closing the shop was a big step forward for me….emotionally….mentally.  I feel much better….it doesn’t exactly help the bank account any….but I really feel better….I do…..

I can say that I’m happy to stop the old habits….the things that Ev and I used to do together…..folding sheets….dealing with therapists…..just doing the books….

These are the things I’ve remembered Ev doing with me the past 2 years and now…..they’re gone…..and that’s not bad…..

This week I’ve talked a bit with a widow of just 7 months, it let’s me think about how far I’ve come….not comparing it to where she is but thinking about where I was…..to be honest I’ve come so far….that’s a world away….

I feel terrible for her…7 months……it’s a disaster at 7 months…..

I know a widow at 4 years I couldn’t relate with until I spoke to the one at 7 months….it puts it into perspective to know that I will continue to grow….it will continue to get better…..

This widow of 7 months made me cry last week, she was sorry….and I would be too….but the thing about my tears is they are not for pain…..I’m not hurt….I’m not sure in my entire life I’ve ever cried because I was wounded in a physical way……

I cry love…….I miss loving Ev.

That is why we grieve…..we miss loving something.  I realized that early in the man blog….that someone could miss a cat as much as I miss Ev.  It seems ridiculous.  Seriously ridiculous.

It isn’t.

Realizing this and….what….recovering to this point….how is that?  I’m not sure…..it’s thin ice….

But it is better……….

I’m getting better….really better……

The Quote of The Day

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I’m sure I’ve said this before….and the Native fortune teller at the crappiest Vancouver pub in the 90’s said as she threw my palm away after a quick glimpse….”You’ll have lots of love and that’s all I’ll say”….I have had lots of love.  I do now raising 4 daughters.  I have wonderful neighbors, amazing friends!…..If I sit back in my chair and think about my life compared to many….

I’m lucky….really lucky to be surrounded by so many great people. Do I deserve that?  I think so….I changed the tire for a stranger a few weeks ago….side of the road….how many people drove past that person….

I wish I could be more…..I think of everything I’ve been given and all I’ve taken and I can’t help but wish to give more……

I am getting better….I’m not sure it makes me better….I really worry about that…..but I am getting better.

Babe…..I love your face…..I’m doing it….I miss you too much……..

……………….I wrote this entire man blog without a single tear until I wrote that last line………

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Belly Buttons….

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I cried today…chatting with a widow about a discussion I had the night before….Charlotte’s belly button came up and she gave me a face….just a glimpse of agony….

Charlotte used to play with her belly button a lot….not any more.

She did from a young age and she used to let Ev touch it too, seldom would she let me….Her and Ev would have talks about Belly Buttons, a tiny bit of mommy they would laugh and smile and always before bed Charlotte would play with her belly button and fall asleep….

After Ev passed Charlotte told me straight up….when she plays with her belly button it grows a little bit…..the mommy bit could grow…….

Ya….I’m crying again now…..my baby trying to grow her mom with her belly button…….

In the evolution of my life and grief I find myself a bit angrier these days….I suppose it could just be that my life is out of balance and that leads to a bit of lightning….something I really haven’t had in 10 years.  It’s something I used to control before Ev and I had forgotten about…..but occasionally I just feel a jolt…it’s something I’m working on….again….

My friends will have to show me some patience…..I hope.

Over the past 2 years a few people have told me I should make a book out of this blog….I don’t see it myself, but I might….I’ve compiled the entire thing and I’m going to give it a read from the beginning….

I’m not sure there is a book here….I see 600 days worth of removing some of my grief and pasting it here….I know it can help other people….the grievers for sure……anyway….I told the person that if I made the decision to make a book it might change the man blog…….we shall see….

There is one other thing….the posts that I don’t publish….some finished, others too hard too dark, some would continue for days……..I’ll have to reread those posts.

The Quote of The Day

Every ending is a new beginning
Your lucky # is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

As this planet we live on turns round and round I occasionally go on vacation.  During these trips there are always moments of solitude and I enjoy a good book at these times.  While passing through the grocery store a book caught my eye…American Gods, and it was the read on this latest trip.

A good book….turn a few pages….the wife dies.

Maybe I should read more female authors….or maybe I should start writing fiction…..

Babe….funny….I love your face….the babies are doing great!

XO

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Utopia….

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A wonderful word….utopia….u t o p i a…..

say it….it’s nice….

Utopia….A utopia (pronounced you-TOE-pee-yuh) is a paradise….

I’ve just returned from a week in Spain, those of you that are on facebook have seen 100 photos….a wonderful time for sure….

Amazing vistas…..fabulous moments with amazing friends…..a great vacation…..

Vacation….A vacation [vey-key-shuh n, vuh-] freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

It was nice to get away….I missed the kids but it is nice to get a break….it’s simply not easy to care for 4 little girls….it’s fun don’t get me wrong….we laugh….we live a wonderful life…….but it does come with a bit of stress……

One thing I do enjoy about Spain….and lots of other places………the feeling that Ev isn’t there….places where I don’t have memories shared with her….somewhere…..new places.  Spain is a new place and there is less……..pain there…..less torment…..

Torment….(tawr-ment) to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain.

There is less torment in some places…..

It’s not without some…..consternation….I’ll skip the pronunciation and definition and lay it out…..

I find myself on a terrace overlooking the perfect whitewash Spanish town.  behind me the Mediterranean, as blue as the sky other than the whitecaps of rolling waves…..ahead the Sierra Nevada mountain range begins, still to early too show the white caps of snow that will arrive even here at the edge of a desert…..and there….way up……

The thing about huge mountains, they seem so close….a short walk, 30 minutes and you could find yourself at their base….but in reality you will get in your car and drive an hour….maybe 2….before you reach them.  The majesty of these enormous stone entities…..once you’re close enough to realize the grass you saw at home are really trees, tall enough to touch the sky…..

At the summit……..Ev…..she could be there…..waiting…..her arms open welcoming my arrival…..and when I reach the peak where will she be….at the next horizon…..patiently waiting…..

Sanity……….I’m not sure how to define this…..

Do I consider walking off into the mountains…..to forever reach lonely summits……yes……of course I do…….although I know there would be so much pain within that existence it seems to be forever hopeful…..

You see……I’m still not there…..I still expect that sooner or later she will come home, and without looking at the posts leading up to or following last years trip to Spain I already know that I likely in a better place….I’d like to say I’m not in a better place mentally but that’s not the case….

I’m in a different better place…..but it still isn’t great….I find that I’m losing my grasp more and more now….I’m exploring being a normal person……and the hurricane that is…..I’m out of control……I have been for some time….

I’m going to work to sort that out……soon…..

The Quote of the Day

Your Lucky number is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

The universe provides me with a novel every time I go on vacation….this time…American Gods.  A great book…

Chapter one…..your wife is dead.

Every time…..every single time………..

There is more to heaven and earth…..our religions and spiritual beliefs do not begin to explain it…..or there is nothing….I’m hoping it’s something so big….it will make this seem like nothing at all…….

Babe…..I would climb any mountain…….I do that for you every day……I love your face.

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