What lies ahead is nothing but lies….

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What am I?  What have I decided I will be?

My life is reduced to a very simple thing, it isn’t an easy thing, but it’s an easy choice for me to make….It’s not like I wasn’t this person before….I was always the man that hugged his children every day….told them he loved them, more than just those three words…letting them know I was proud….and when I wasn’t on the days I had to….

It isn’t an easy job…when I thought I was making mistakes I changed my life entirely to be better….

Yep, the last 10 months….300 days…I have cooked 200 dinners without opening a box….fresh food…I have not been to the pub since the New Year….I focused on my home….my kids….

My kids…………

I have 4 daughters, 3 teenagers and a 7 year old…..sound like fun?     It is…most of the time…there are some really tough days….I’m not talking about the regular stuff…..I mean tough days….

Well Charlotte is pretty easy….a quick look….a 7 year old girl that has lost her mother at age 4….the toughest thing I have to deal with is leaving for a night………not including the nightmares I guess….ya so if I disregard the fact she wakes up 2 or 3 times a night screaming at the top of her lungs…..then yes…the only issue is the fact she worries if I’m going to be gone from her longer than she would be away while at school…..

What does that leave me with…3 teenagers…..

Painfully, and soon to be corrected….one I still do not have legal custody of….Avery will be next up Oct 11 when I ask the court give me sole custody of Syd and Ave….there isn’t a lot standing in the way….I’m their Dad….jokers and fools can talk mighty game about that….but I am their Father….and even if the day comes they rather I wasn’t I will be…when these ladies are 35 they will look back and remember the man that made them dinner….washed their clothes…hugged them daily…and let them know they were smart beautiful and strong….like their mother…..

Anyway….maybe a bit pissy about the kids sperm donor….the great father he would be if I wasn’t standing in his way….If only I wasn’t taking care of these kids every day….wow….this guy would have been a wonder…..

I’ll move on before I offer up an opinion on this guy….you make your own…..

……recently he may have told me I wasn’t much of a father……He’d know what the target was……

ah….I digress.  This has nothing to do with something worthless…..

So….I have decided to be a Father…obviously.  I did not have to do this….even after telling Ev I would….the promise could have gone unfulfilled….not different that one thousand I’ll love you forever’s….but you know what….it was an easy promise to make and more than that…I’m not making some half ass attempt at loving my babies….I want for them the WORLD….

Is this an easy goal….no.  I do have a bit of experience in success and failure though….at the very least I can help pave their way….and maybe leave them a tidbit to get ahead when they put me down beside Ev for the last time…..

The sadness of Ev being gone has been well buried….a gift from my mother….She taught me the lesson long ago…feel not….and so here I am again….many months of attempting to be ‘man’ strong…to not feel…at all…..

I’ve put myself in a place I hate being in….a place that isn’t easy to escape from….and now what……

The Quote of the Day

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water.
Carl Hiaasen

A rare find…a quote from Carl…one of my favorite authors and just a wee bit behind Hunter….still alive and writing to boot….

But the question….on the water or in it?

Honestly.  I’m not as expressive as I was a year ago.  I’m hiding….and a perfect example is a friend of mine trying to explain his feelings to me on the weekend….a big man…able to hide his tears….afraid….sad….and no outlet but to pump his chest and big man it in the big world….

ahhh….the joys of being a make believe human being…..

Which reminds me….

Fat Men travel in Packs…..

I started a diet this week….why?   The street party of course….if you missed the hollow trail gate street part….well….your liver is happy…..

While at the street party I realized there must be a balance….being with the kids is great….but I must get back to the gym…and soon.

I’m a svelt 236ish

Russett claims to be at 204….maybe…pics to follow in short days.

Seamus is down….he has lost 100 pounds and weighs in at 300…

Richard across the street….the new contender that has no idea I’ve just typed his name……380…..I’m not kidding….

I’ll see what else I can come up with….soon….maybe Krista….she never stops….

…………………..

I’m not sure I can do this…I won’t sit here and pour tears like I used to….have I poured tears this month…yes…but over one of my children…and it kills me….not just because I had to cry because I love this baby so much…..It kills me to be this man that cries because he loves this baby so much….

Do I want to live without compassion….joy…love….happiness……..

No….

But it’s harder to be good….It easier to not be a good person (a quote in truth….Barry Corrigan)

So….that’s it for today….

Babe…..after almost 3 years….so many changes….so much life….you are still beside me…………soon…..

XO

 

 

  1. Anonymous
    Aug 31, 2017
    XOXO......❤
    Reply
  2. email.laura@gmail.com'
    Laura
    Aug 31, 2017
    Two weeks ago, I had a dream about Ev. We were sitting at a picnic table outside in a beautiful park and you were a bit further down, with all the girls. I was so happy to see her. I can't remember the details of our conversation for the life of me, but I remember asking her, and her telling me she was ok, and everything was ok, and she was happy. For some reason, I then asked her if I should let you know, and she smiled and said you already knew. I woke up feeling so calm and peaceful. Later that morning I told Mike about it and as I was telling him about the dream, the song "Stand by me" came on the radio. We both looked at each other and of course I started bawling but my feeling of that dream still remains. I don't know what I believe; maybe that was my subconscious, suddenly trying to comfort me... But I'm grateful for it nonetheless. It was so peaceful.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Aug 31, 2017
      Thank you....
      Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Sep 01, 2017
    :)
    Reply