The new normal….

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The 23 month anniversary of Ev’s death passed this week….these past few weeks haven’t been the buildup to something terrible like they were last year….

This year I’ve had more focus.  I’ve tried to spend more time with the kids….I didn’t waste Halloween in despair….I followed the same route that Ev Charlotte and I did on our last trip together……

…I did not cry…..

I attempted to live in the moment to great success….I walked that trail with Charlotte and a few of her friends and I enjoyed watching them and hearing their laughter…..

I truly love laughter….I love hearing other people celebrate….and the sound of my own laugh is heavenly when I hear it….I can say I love hearing it……

Some laughter I will only hear again through one or two recordings…..and I will……some days for the rest of my life I will enjoy those moments in quiet solitude…..the sound of a distant laugh.

That is what life seems….distant.  I feel that the person I am is caught in a vacuum.  Tired of hurting…..sick of sitting here trying to escape…..

I’m lost…..

Luckily I’m good at it….I hide…..

….I miss my wife……

The Quote of The Day

I hate pain, despite my ability to tolerate it beyond all known parameters, which is not necessarily a good thing.
~Hunter S. Thompson

A lie….Hunter, one of my hero’s, did not have the ability to tolerate pain beyond all known parameters….He took his life….possibly excusable but not at his age at that time……a great loss in my opinion.

I paraded around like I loved pain as a young man, not understanding what it was…..

Pain….as a human feeling is quickly forgotten….normally.  Not for me though…..I remember every day.  Today Charlotte came in for dinner, as she peeled off her snow suit she hid her tears…..taught to be ashamed of showing her feelings, something I hope I haven’t shown her….I asked her what was wrong and she told me tearfully.

She sobbed she missed mommy and I told her I did too, every day….

….PAIN…..

I didn’t bother telling her how hard I held back tears on my way to drop Ave and Rhi off to school today….I feign strength sometimes…..

I could have wracked in front of them…..no problem….but I would have been reminding them of what we have all lost and I rather they don’t think about that pain.

 

Babe…..I love your face

  1. brigitte.duvall@yahoo.com'
    Brigtte
    Nov 26, 2016
    Aghh..."plan b" ...when there was absolutely nothing wrong with plan A....plan A was as close to perfect as it gets....why indeed does life make these choices for us.....I am simply a stranger to who you once wished a wonderful day....a couple of months ago now....there was something in the way that you said it...a look in your eyes ....I thought to myself that you must be someone I should know but couldn't recall....I looked u up and nope ....never met u before.....I just want u to know that u did bring joy to a stranger that day......I had been having a really difficult few months and you reminded me that through my own loss in life I was at least given a gift...the gift of perspective.......u reminded me of how much I luv to surprise people with simple gestures and kind words....and to listen.... really listen to others... especially to my children because I am their mom....their everything and they deserve it.....Oh it is a LOT of work...5 kids too and 12 hour shifts..and yes they r ALL mine.... trust me I too have faked my way through .... but sometimes just a few words from a stranger can help turn things around again....thank u
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