Love…..

Download PDF

As the man blogs dwindle away to almost nothing you’re left thinking about meaningful topics…..and nothing means more than this one….Love.

These days even typing the word is cause for a pause…..it’s something you really have to sink your teeth into.  It’s meaty….using a man term….it has real weight in my life these days…..more than it did….ya….its laughable the difference…why is that?

Why…..am I simply older…..so set in my ways I don’t worry about it now……not like the old days when my mother warned me I would be lonely at 60….those times she told me to search hard for someone I could rest with in my last days.

Is that the story?   Are those the options…..loneliness or love?……..it makes sense I guess…..it just might…….

I haven’t lived much of my life without love….the early days, sure….my youth.  Love was tougher when I was a child, much tougher than it is for my children I think…but reminiscing always goes that way, your worst memories….the pain…the shock….that’s what stays with you…..

My Mother gave blood sweat and tears to raise my sister and I….it must have been hard….it seemed it to me………

Off track….terribly…..

Ya, Mom always warned me that old age would be lonely, but lonely has a space, once you’re used to it….it fits…

Tonight’s man blog….

I think it’s important to note how much better I’ve been doing….

I think closing the shop was a big step forward for me….emotionally….mentally.  I feel much better….it doesn’t exactly help the bank account any….but I really feel better….I do…..

I can say that I’m happy to stop the old habits….the things that Ev and I used to do together…..folding sheets….dealing with therapists…..just doing the books….

These are the things I’ve remembered Ev doing with me the past 2 years and now…..they’re gone…..and that’s not bad…..

This week I’ve talked a bit with a widow of just 7 months, it let’s me think about how far I’ve come….not comparing it to where she is but thinking about where I was…..to be honest I’ve come so far….that’s a world away….

I feel terrible for her…7 months……it’s a disaster at 7 months…..

I know a widow at 4 years I couldn’t relate with until I spoke to the one at 7 months….it puts it into perspective to know that I will continue to grow….it will continue to get better…..

This widow of 7 months made me cry last week, she was sorry….and I would be too….but the thing about my tears is they are not for pain…..I’m not hurt….I’m not sure in my entire life I’ve ever cried because I was wounded in a physical way……

I cry love…….I miss loving Ev.

That is why we grieve…..we miss loving something.  I realized that early in the man blog….that someone could miss a cat as much as I miss Ev.  It seems ridiculous.  Seriously ridiculous.

It isn’t.

Realizing this and….what….recovering to this point….how is that?  I’m not sure…..it’s thin ice….

But it is better……….

I’m getting better….really better……

The Quote of The Day

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

I’m sure I’ve said this before….and the Native fortune teller at the crappiest Vancouver pub in the 90’s said as she threw my palm away after a quick glimpse….”You’ll have lots of love and that’s all I’ll say”….I have had lots of love.  I do now raising 4 daughters.  I have wonderful neighbors, amazing friends!…..If I sit back in my chair and think about my life compared to many….

I’m lucky….really lucky to be surrounded by so many great people. Do I deserve that?  I think so….I changed the tire for a stranger a few weeks ago….side of the road….how many people drove past that person….

I wish I could be more…..I think of everything I’ve been given and all I’ve taken and I can’t help but wish to give more……

I am getting better….I’m not sure it makes me better….I really worry about that…..but I am getting better.

Babe…..I love your face…..I’m doing it….I miss you too much……..

……………….I wrote this entire man blog without a single tear until I wrote that last line………

  1. Anonymous
    Oct 17, 2016
    Ahhh. To love and be loved. I couldn't agree more. How I miss both. I think those of us who'd experienced strong marriages do. Nice to see you are feeling better.
    Reply