Utopia….

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A wonderful word….utopia….u t o p i a…..

say it….it’s nice….

Utopia….A utopia (pronounced you-TOE-pee-yuh) is a paradise….

I’ve just returned from a week in Spain, those of you that are on facebook have seen 100 photos….a wonderful time for sure….

Amazing vistas…..fabulous moments with amazing friends…..a great vacation…..

Vacation….A vacation [vey-key-shuh n, vuh-] freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

It was nice to get away….I missed the kids but it is nice to get a break….it’s simply not easy to care for 4 little girls….it’s fun don’t get me wrong….we laugh….we live a wonderful life…….but it does come with a bit of stress……

One thing I do enjoy about Spain….and lots of other places………the feeling that Ev isn’t there….places where I don’t have memories shared with her….somewhere…..new places.  Spain is a new place and there is less……..pain there…..less torment…..

Torment….(tawr-ment) to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain.

There is less torment in some places…..

It’s not without some…..consternation….I’ll skip the pronunciation and definition and lay it out…..

I find myself on a terrace overlooking the perfect whitewash Spanish town.  behind me the Mediterranean, as blue as the sky other than the whitecaps of rolling waves…..ahead the Sierra Nevada mountain range begins, still to early too show the white caps of snow that will arrive even here at the edge of a desert…..and there….way up……

The thing about huge mountains, they seem so close….a short walk, 30 minutes and you could find yourself at their base….but in reality you will get in your car and drive an hour….maybe 2….before you reach them.  The majesty of these enormous stone entities…..once you’re close enough to realize the grass you saw at home are really trees, tall enough to touch the sky…..

At the summit……..Ev…..she could be there…..waiting…..her arms open welcoming my arrival…..and when I reach the peak where will she be….at the next horizon…..patiently waiting…..

Sanity……….I’m not sure how to define this…..

Do I consider walking off into the mountains…..to forever reach lonely summits……yes……of course I do…….although I know there would be so much pain within that existence it seems to be forever hopeful…..

You see……I’m still not there…..I still expect that sooner or later she will come home, and without looking at the posts leading up to or following last years trip to Spain I already know that I likely in a better place….I’d like to say I’m not in a better place mentally but that’s not the case….

I’m in a different better place…..but it still isn’t great….I find that I’m losing my grasp more and more now….I’m exploring being a normal person……and the hurricane that is…..I’m out of control……I have been for some time….

I’m going to work to sort that out……soon…..

The Quote of the Day

Your Lucky number is none
Your lucky color is dead
~American Gods

The universe provides me with a novel every time I go on vacation….this time…American Gods.  A great book…

Chapter one…..your wife is dead.

Every time…..every single time………..

There is more to heaven and earth…..our religions and spiritual beliefs do not begin to explain it…..or there is nothing….I’m hoping it’s something so big….it will make this seem like nothing at all…….

Babe…..I would climb any mountain…….I do that for you every day……I love your face.

  1. Anonymous
    Oct 11, 2016
    When my husband passed away, I felt the same way. Travelling to places we'd been or even going to parties where the friends were more his than mine... felt like torture because it only made his absence more obvious. I needed my own activities, my own friends. But I remember when I realized he wasn't coming back. I never expected him to walk in. I didn't dream of him. I was just left with loneliness. It's been 4 years now, he would have turned 45 last month.
    Reply