Love song…

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Interesting couple of weeks for me…growth…in some ways….

Let’s see…..

Kids are back to school.  I actually looked forward to this for the first time in my life….Ev always looked forward to it while I always preferred the girls home…..well….I think I see it her way now.  I have things that I must do to get my new path going, these things are easier done with a bit of peace and quiet.

I’ve decided on a new plan of action since closing the shop…I’ll do home inspections, something I did just before I met Ev which returns me to a nice spot in life I think.  I do have a bit of studying to remind myself of the systems I’ve forgotten and with provincial legislation in place soon I’ll have to write for additional certification to what I had 10 years ago….I work at updating that now….I like construction and working with people….and the old back won’t mind a bit.  I plan on being good to go with that by October.

It’s not like I can sit around for the next 30 years doing nothing….

What’s next…the gym.  I’m trying to get back to that harder than ever….I’m off to Spain in a few weeks and no better drive than the Costa Del Sol to drive me down 10 pounds….I’m not dieting…I’m just lifting harder…hell I’m drinking a beer right this moment….fewer than normal though…..

Kids, work, gym….what does that leave…..oh ya…..grief…………

I have attempted to stop looking for Ev.  It isn’t an easy task….I do still see her….I do…In passing cars….glimpses of hair, hands, eyes, lips…..chats with people…..Ev is around me…..I see bits of her…..

But I’ve stopped looking…..I try not to actively search for her.

Yep….it may seem like a strange thing….to me though, it’s normal.  I can’t find my ipod and earphones….I look for them…..I can’t find Ev…..I look for her.

It’s not wise….no, it’s terrible really…..really painful…..but I’m trying to stop it.

I remember a year ago….a read another widowers blog….it wasn’t that much different than mine….well in one way it was….it ended.

The guys last post went something like this:

Met a girl….took her home….she stayed……………

That was it….the end…..

Maybe he was swept away…..I hope he was.  I hope he met this woman and his heart was captured…his grief a forgotten tidbit burnt up to dust by love…..

For me…..I think I will always be madly in love with Ev….I do hope to be swept away…….maybe it won’t happen….and I guess I’m fine with that….maybe I was lucky….really lucky…..

Anyway….I have stopped looking…..the entire package will not likely find me ….why look for Ev…..

Is a kiss enough?  It should be.  It should be more than enough, a kiss that is wonderful…..

Should I expect touch to be the same?  Should I want for my hand to be held just the right way……the way only we held hands…..and the kiss?

…..is that too much Ev?  Will I close my eyes and pretend…..will I rob myself of truly being happy with what is to come in my life?

I’m trying not to….I’m trying to be happy……

The Quote of The Day

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

~The Cure

You know…..I’m only 45….I could be happy….I must choose to do that…..

I have talked to and read posts from many Widows and Widowers…..some will never love again….some never have….A few are swept away….one or 2 are alone forever…..

My story isn’t finished yet…..I have written so many times about the end…..I’ve wanted to dig holes and I’ve longed to fly….this journey has offered me so much….good and bad……

Maybe my swept away should change…..there is no point expecting that Ev is going to arrive to take me…..it won’t happen….I can dream, sure…..but it is not going to happen………

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you like crazy……..oh hell I miss you like mad……….