Longer….

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I’m going to play poker tonight, over to Russett’s to hang out with the boys…games of chance you could hardly call it poker…a few beers…some laughs.

This is something I’ve been doing for so long….poker get together’s existed long before Ev, but Sugar Bear became the host and the only place I find myself playing after she came into my life…..Wednesdays….some very late Wednesdays…

There were times she would be mad….too drunk to drive home…not willing to stay in the basement at poker….I’d try to sneak out, SB would say I was quiet like an elephant as I bounced off the walls and fell out the door….it would take me 2 or 3 times the norm to get home….practically crawling to get back to her………..a weight off her chest too, forgiving me for being so late when she saw me the next day….laughing at my condition….seldom mad….maybe when poker fell the night before a family get together….ya….then I’d be in some trouble…..

I spent the day working on the basement, working at setting up a better home for these kids as they get bigger…for me too….

Syd had gone through a box of memories Ev had stored which forced me to trudge across quite a few things to ensure no memory was lost….and I thought at some day I’ll sit and look at it all…see things I’ve never seen….see Ev in photos I haven’t been lucky enough to view yet….

I saw a few today….in every one I thought about how beautiful she was….I was actually quite happy to see images of her from before we met…..

Her smile…..her eyes glowing….little Syd or Ave in her arms….even Em…..little Em…..

It will be some time before I’m….good….again….it will take longer….for sure….

I won’t be crying during this man blog….I will suffer the pain of holding my tears….my throat aches forcing down my emotions right now……

It makes me look inside myself….it changes my grief to anger……it makes me…..quieter….introspective….

Not in sadness…..I don’t know….I’m punishing myself by not letting go…..

The Quote of The Day

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer, if I can.
~Ellie Goulding

Let’s get this straight….I know I’m not right….I get that I’m a bit off….

I work hard at making everything good…really good…for my children, for my friends….for the people I meet every day. ┬áIf it wasn’t for the man blog you’d have to get really close to me to realize something wasn’t right…..

Ev wasn’t going to pick a weak man….she knew I’d make this work. I’ll miss her longer….and I’m fine with that.

Babe….I’m scratching things off the to do list…..I love you….

XO