The end…..

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I wonder about the end……what will it be like…..

Will I laugh…..will I be happy to face death….to see Ev again…..

I suppose that depends on how much time I get….for the kids….Charlotte needs me to make it to 70 at least…..that’s a long time away…..I’m not sure right at this moment I can do it….I’l likely have to.

I saw Ev this week…..a shadow cast against the side of the house….it made me get out of the chair….about to rush to the front door to greet her…….

I saw her in the parking lot at the grocery store….a blond woman putting groceries into the trunk of her car….I waited for her to turn around for a moment….after a few seconds I decided to move on before I caught a glimpse of her face…..

It happens….daily….there is no escape…..I could sit in a dark room….alone….and I would see her…..I see her floating on the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes…..

Tormented…..I wait for her to come home………

I’ve been hiding harder and harder and it eats at you….you break down…..you are forced to suffer that pain….it creates anger….you battle that…..the emptiness left behind is attacked by so many other things that try to fill a space in your life….and seeking safe healthy refuge isn’t always easy……

The past few weeks I’ve had a few conversation about Ev….closing the store gives people an opening to see how I’m feeling….I think that much of my current state is due to the store….continuing Ev’s dream….wanting her to know I tried………waiting……

Folding sheets and waiting……punishing myself……

I’ve heard I’ll never find anyone like Ev again….that I caught a shooting star I’ll never get close ever again…..I’ve heard I’ll never even find love again…………..

Having spent some time attempting to return my life to what it was before Ev…..to places that don’t remind me of her constantly….back to the person I was before her…..just becoming a make believe thing…..a human shaped object that acts differently than it feels…….

I used to just know Ev would be there by my side when I was old…that she would hold my hand when I took my last breath……….

…..just to feel her hand in mine one more time……..that’s it…………..

Time will tell……what will become of me for these years to pass…..I hope not this….I hope what those people say to me isn’t true…..

Tomorrow I will see shadows…..clouds…..strangers passing in their cars heading to unknown places….

I will be reminded by Charlotte that Mommy used to do some wonderful little thing and we will chat about that…..

I will love Ev tomorrow……

The Quote of The Day

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”
― Imania Margria

Lesson’s learned as a young man….life isn’t fair….you can’t always get what you want…live life to the fullest….

…….I hate to write this here….I will because it’s an important thing in my life….not religiously….but just a question that isn’t worth risking…….I was brought up a Catholic and my mother made my sister and I go to church reasonably enough until we were confirmed…..you learn at a young age that suicide will get you to hell…..that if you kill yourself you won’t get to heaven….

…it’s a bit of a conundrum really….because all Christians get to heaven….Jesus died so that our sins would be forgiven…..

………..I’m not a religious person…..but these are lessons learned young and often….lessons that are important….

It’s not like I’m going anywhere….I can’t….I have 4 babies to raise…..and if I didn’t I’m not sure I’d risk it….

I should delete this…..but I won’t….sadly…..I really want to though…………………..

Anyway….this is just some guy dealing with grief….the 5 stages I suppose…..anyone care to comment on which because I have no idea…….

This is what I do know…..I will wake up tomorrow happy, as I do every single day…..I will care for my children, my friends and my neighbors…..I will wish strangers a wonderful day and try my best to bring a tiny bit of joy to every person I contact even if just for a moment……

That is who I am…..regardless of my torment….through the pain….every day……..

Babe……I love your face……I miss you every minute……

XO

  1. Krista
    Jul 22, 2016
    I believe you will find love and happiness again. It will happen but until then the love of your girls will keep you going each day.
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Jul 24, 2016
    Just saw you at grocery store and you brought a smile to my face. Your daily mission accomplished. :) Ev brought joy to so many of us in the community. Her spirit lives on. Feel it. Feel it all. Be patient with yourself and keep smiling until it becomes real again. You are a good man.
    Reply
  3. charby26@hotmail.com'
    Frankie
    Jul 24, 2016
    Just saw you at grocery store and you brought a smile to my face. Your daily mission accomplished. :) Ev brought joy to so many of us in the community. Her spirit lives on. Feel it. Feel it all. Be patient with yourself and keep smiling until it becomes real again. You are a good man.
    Reply