Monthly archives June 2016

Counting days…..

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You know what….the man blog weigh in challenge just doesn’t have the same sparkle it used to….so I’m not going to do it….and I think I might just delete the last few posts.

It’s not as funny as it once was….it will be again….but not this month….in the midst of a cold winter as we pretend to get ready for the beach perhaps….

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Today was Avery’s grade 6 graduation….

Avery…..geez…..

Recently Ave needed a photo to hand in to her class for graduation.  I thought she meant a baby picture so I went down to rummage through Ev’s old memento’s………..

Sadly there isn’t much there for Ave…..One big container of old photos and 95% of them are of Syd….the early days of Ev’s first marriage….when maybe things could work out…..

But Ave came along and things didn’t get better….the camera wasn’t out as much…..those years are lost………

I sat down there thinking about the portion of my children’s life that is lost….memories that no one has….not even them….

Yes Charlotte will have very few memories of her mother later in life….even now…..I’m not sure….but we do talk about Ev quite a bit….when it comes up I always take the time to listen to Charlotte’s moments and add whatever I can to them…

I also share how I feel about Ev….whenever I’m missing her I let the girls know….I tell them I miss Ev and that I love her….

You see…that right there is the problem………

I love Ev……

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That leaves a bit of emptiness in a person……that isn’t easy…..

I miss my wife….and I know some people don’t like to hear it but I miss her too much…..

I hide it pretty good these days…..but nothing has changed…..

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What has changed…..Avery is growing up.  She is a beautiful power house just like her mother….I try my best to nurture that….I hope to be there to help her not make the early mistakes Ev did…..it won’t be easy….Syd will help though…….

It really isn’t easy….but it comes with a real benefit….

Hugs!

And that’s really all Ave ever wanted…..Syd too…..those 2 girls always just wanted more love….and now I have more to spare…..

And that’s good for all of us.

geez….I’m not sure where this man blog started….what made me write it….I know lots of it didn’t get written.  There is simply too much going on that I don’t care to share….much of it isn’t easy…..but it’s life….it’s no different that the trials and tribulations every one of you suffer….

The Quote of The Day

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
Ernest Hemingway

I dreamt of Ev twice last week….once awake….The dream I had of her while sleeping lasted hours…..one of those beautifully vivid dreams……we lived a normal day together……it was truly wonderful for me……but then it turned to hell…….because just like the last time Ev wasn’t quite happy……………..Charlotte had died………..

I pursue my worst nightmare in my sleep………..

Babe…..I love your face….I miss you terribly…..I’m trying……

XO

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Single Father Boogie…..

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Busy week….Dance, Dance, Dance, Experimental farm, swimming…..you know….family stuff….

Let’s start with swimming and my friend sugar bear….

I chuckle, the times SB has mentioned how lucky I am…..was….dozens of times he reminded me of the star I had in my life….as if I didn’t know…..and I brought it up while Charlotte and her friend swam on the weekend…..how he used to tell me I’d never find another……this when Ev was here….when we both thought she would live forever, not knowing she was sick….

My darling mother too….saying lightning doesn’t strike twice…telling my I’m SOL……..maybe…..

It’s something I do have to ponder….every day……every hour……maybe not every minute…maybe not anymore, or maybe not as much….or maybe I’m just used to the seconds passing without her….that morbid weight realized….accepted…..

I see some of the color in life though, looking outside the grass is greener, the little red tree across the road glows under the sunshine…this without any help…..sadly

I also share the joy of Charlotte and her friend playing in the pool….the giggles force any warm blooded human to smile….that my greatest pleasure these days….

I was lucky enough to volunteer to go to the Experimental farm this week, and also had the pleasure of watching Charlotte and 2 of her close friends experience the animals there….a good day….it might have started with Rob Hewitt getting me crying on the front lawn of the school….but hey….fond memories can attract a bit of the old eye water….I can tell you that…..

You see….I was happy.  Not just a happily married guy….no…it was more than that…..I was happy……

I’m happy now.   It’s different….really different….but I am happy.  I guess more than anything I’m not willing to be unhappy…who in their right mind wants to wake up unhappy….I do not make my way around this world miserable….I have my moments, but I release those feelings and have done that for quite some time….

To be really totally honest though….I mean 100%….and this really sucks to type out here……..at this point…..still today….I think if it wasn’t for the kids….I’d just dig my hole beside Ev and get into it………

I’m hurt…..and no matter what I do…..I’m still hurt…………..and I’m tired of being hurt……………and it isn’t going to stop……

Ya, I hate the man blog…..the place I go to write down what I’m thinking………really not the most fun………

Anyway….I’m sorry…..and don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere…..I have a house full of little humans to take care of…..

As luck would have it……the little buggers do make me laugh…..

The Quote of The Day

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle

I really do wish to delete today’s man blog but I’m not going to….a dozen of these posts exists unpublished here and this one deserves to fly….the topic has come up a bit recently and it is an important one.

Just so we all understand…..I’m just expressing my thoughts…they might come in handy for some other widow/widower….some other person suffering…..I’m not going anywhere.  Tomorrow is always a new day….whatever may come….

Babe…..I love your face….Grass between my toes this weekend.

 

XO

 

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