sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO