With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO