Monthly archives May 2016

sadness amongst other things….

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It does seem to feel like forever since I sat here and left my feelings for you all to read….hidden sadness is not cured….that is for sure….

Although I do try to sit here less…..not sure how much I care to share all the things I try to hide day after day….

It’s laughable…..it is…..a damned shame really…..

In fact I end up missing her more……talking to her more when I’m alone…..discussing her more with the girls………groaning more…………..

I don’t find myself up to my ears in quicksand.  No.  The hopeless misery has been lessened with time…..most days I feel normal….the new normal.

Today, another normal day…..A trip to the gym.  I very peaceful session of lifting, the music in my ipod has made the switch from hard core metal and rap to something easier….quiet love songs…..mellow reminders of the past….not the kind of music that gets really heavy weight off the ground, but something a bit easier on the psyche….

A good round of lifting almost completed when a friend came up for a short conversation of life in general…how the long weekend was….small talk.  In the end I found myself fighting tears….not all alone in a change room shower but on the floor….surrounded by mirrors and strong men….one or 2 catch my eye, likely sensing I’m somehow just off but having no idea what truly happens 20 feet away….I break away and put in 15 minutes more of grueling lifting….fighting my feelings with pain…laying there under the weight I choose rather than what life has offered…..

I can hide how I’m feeling….I’ve been pulling it off for quite some time now….I can stick it all in a box and stuff it far away….

But if the conversation ventures into that corner, if I find myself looking inside the box…..inside that box exists the quicksand I’ve managed to stuff into that space…….a space that reminds me of love….happiness….laughter…..the box I pound away at everyday in the hopes it never overcomes me…..the box that allows me not to cry every day…..

Yep…..my happy box………………..

The Quote of the Day

I’m not done fighting yet.
Glenn Wheeler

Well….something around here has to change….and if I don’t make it happen it isn’t going to….

Babe…..I miss you………….

XO

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With Spring comes….

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Today is another beautiful day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and the tree sprouts this years leaves….

Outside…the porch expanded to make room for Ev and I to drink our morning coffee on sits empty….The house quiet, even with one child staying home today…still upstairs asleep….

things are quiet…..and empty…..I am….

But…that may come to an end…and really….there has always been quiet empty spots anyway.

We survived Mother’s Day here…Ave did push a bit…battling missing her mother and hormones I’m sure she can’t figure out…but it seems to have found a balance again.

Avery and Charlotte survive mother’s day crafting at school….still at an age where that sort of thing happens in a class of your peers….most have moms….This year Ave brought nothing home, Charlotte something for grandma…creative educator deflecting the day into something else for Charlotte…..a little girl who’s favorite game with her friends is a little thing called Mommy’s and Babies….a make believe game in which Charlotte gets to have a mother…………

It hurts me every time I hear it….somewhere inside that game of imagination Charlotte finds some happiness…..some pretend mother….hopefully showing her some pretend love………………..

Geezus…I thought I wouldn’t wrack today and here I am fighting tears…making the back of my throat hurt…..maybe I won’t take a day off the gym today…legs will do it….legs will make this pain go away.

Syd has taken up exercise now too…boot camps at the shop 3 times a week with Mandy….running on the off days….I wonder if she feels her mother during that time….calling on her in her mind when she digs deep for a little more strength….I know I do….I drive myself crazy at the gym to push….which is why I’ve managed to get as big as I have….punishing myself…..

Saturday was a beautiful day for a drive out to visit Ev.   A short chat…sandals off….feeling the grass between my toes…and a trip over to visit some of Ev’s relatives…a quick beer and a catch up…

Anyway…..that’s it for today…..I did not wrack….I will save that for another moment….I will continue to punish myself until then….

Babe….I’ll be back to touch the grass soon….until then I love your god damned face!…..I miss you.

XO

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