Pain….or Suffering….

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I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the man blog…thoughts I would have shared here with you…but I haven’t written them down, many are lost…..lost….it’s a thing lost. ¬†Sometimes you’ve lost too much, you yourself are lost too deeply….and sometimes you can’t get lost….there is simply no escape…..

At some point yesterday I realized I still await Ev’s return…..a terrible realization. ¬†It came with another thought…..what do the ladies think…..

I’m not sure Charlotte waits for her return……I’m not sure…….but I wonder if Ave and Syd have the same feelings that I do in this regard…..It’s simply too big a force to be gone……….the space has to be filled by something……….

Anyway….I think that’s why I sit here right now….because I suffer….

It’s not enough to go on living….you think it would be….you suppose that there will be some gift for staying…..but no….you will suffer……stay and you will be forced to suffer…..

The more you fight your tears the deeper you will withdraw…..you will hide…..you will slowly back into the darkest corner where no one can see your feelings….

Lost….yet not lost enough…..

Ev will not be coming back…..I will feel the need to pour tears every day….and we will keep doing what we are doing…..

With that Charlotte comes up to me at the computer and offers me this…

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That’s me blowing bubbles in mommy’s stomach she tells me…..

I wrack…..so what…..

The only bad thing about it….I have to pour tears over such a funny comment and beautiful memory.

The Quote of The Day

Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.
Corrie Ten Boom

We talked on our way home from Ave’s tumbling last night, Sydney asked why we can’t remember our childhood…and I said our brain’s just get filled up with too much other stuff….

Charlotte says she will always remember……she won’t….

I will wrack………

Syd and Ave will remember more…..not enough……

I did say that technology is on it’s way that will allow us to remember more, Sydney says she wouldn’t want to relive her memories……….

I wouldn’t stop……………

If I could tell you how much I miss her it wouldn’t do it justice….I don’t know the words and you wouldn’t understand if I did….for every thought I share there is so much more I simply can’t say…..

Babe………I miss you too much.

  1. Anonymous
    Aug 09, 2016
    I am an old friend, I knew you in my younger years and knew your wife as well, Ev was a beautiful person, truly a wonderful woman, one in a million, the nicest kindest and most caring person I have ever met. I can't imagine what you re going through,but I can say from what you have posted and what you have given Evelny you should at the very least feel lucky for knowing such a great person, I know I do. Please find happiness in your girls knowing that a part of Evelyny still lives on.
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