Time is….

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Luckily when I’m really feeling bad…those moments when I find myself in it a bit…I make little notes if I can…reminders.

Wednesday, not this last one but the one before, I was driving on my way to poker.  The drive was via Kanata so I had plenty of time in the truck…

On the way a terrible thing struck me.  Just how badly I wanted to talk to Ev.  I just wanted to pick up the phone and call her…..I want to hear her voice….I want to tell her about my day….I want to tell her how much I love her….now……..still.

You know it isn’t easy….it seems easy I’m sure.  The people that see me every day must think it’s a breeze.  I make it look easy.

Let’s forget about raising 4 young ladies…..that’s not bad, I have that under control….it’s easy….it’s at the top of the list.  That simply means I hand out my hugs, let my babies now they are loved….safe….I attempt to create strong confident young ladies.  Love makes that easy, even on the impossible days….

My life though….that’s not as easy.  Again, I make it look easy, and those close to me think I’ve got it under control…maybe not the ones that are close close….they see the cracks.  For the most part though I seem well put together these days…..

But living isn’t easy.

The new life I’m trying to put together for myself isn’t easy to figure out, to find.  I’m working hard at it…..

But once in a while I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to her…..just 5 minutes….

I know that wouldn’t be easy.  It would be a painful conversation….trying to say so much in just 5 minutes….and the goodbye….I bet you think that would hurt terribly.

But I say that goodbye every day….every hour…..every minute…..

I’m still terribly lost…and god damn it…I’m still terribly hurt.

I try very hard not to cry anymore…I am now…so what….but I do try not to.

The people that are close close know it’s made up….they know I walk a fine line……

I hate it….and I hate the man blog…..

I want you to know….I miss her too much….

The Quote of The Day

I love your face
Victor Wheeler

I have kept myself in constant pain for months now….at the gym most days pushing myself to the point of extinction….that pain takes up a lot of space in my mind and keeps me strong.  I share it every day with Ev and the conversations I have with her when I’m pushing myself past my pain are what gets me there.

As far as the 5 stages of grief go…..who knows….acceptance…..what is that?  No, I’m not sure what that means…..

Babe….I love your face….I miss you…

XO