I woke up and the color was simply gone…..

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I woke up and the color was simply gone….it had washed away in the blink of an eye…..the single biggest moment in my entire life…..the instant Ev left……

Jesus Christ……how does that make me cry today….after everything I’ve done in the past 15 months…after the life I have…the happy moments I live…..

……………………………………………………to be continued……without a headache….

I cut writing the man blog short yesterday, I went down pretty hard on the hover board, luckily my head cushioned my fall…the old head and neck haven’t quite recovered but I am going to attempt a trip to the gym shortly…

So…where was I……

You know what I spent a lot of my day doing yesterday….listening to the sound of my laugh…..

It’s a strange thing……the need to listen to your own laugh, over and over again…..luckily I have lots of little video clips that capture it…..it’s a sound I love to hear….and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people that bring it out…a life that has plenty of laughs in it.

When I went down on the wake board yesterday I took a moment to just lay there….I took an inventory of my bones….what hurt….what didn’t.  I had that little discussion in my mind, “You idiot”….and Ave stood over me…smiling….we had a good laugh….

It was Ave’s birthday yesterday and the Hover Board her one request.  It made her day, the neighborhood kid’s….and mine.  She had a wonderful day.

Ave is a child that glows when she is happy….she beams uncontrolled happiness….it is a force that makes everyone around her feel joy….

Charisma.  She has it, a gift from her mother……

So here I am this morning, it’s March break so only one of the ladies is awake, little Charlotte sits watching Curious George and eating a toaster strudel….the other ladies will sleep for a while yet.

It isn’t always easy being the single dad to 4 girls, the grocery bill alone frightens the hell out of me, it’s a mortgage payment…..soon the oldest will be dating…..driving….christ….it will be interesting.

For me though, they are the reason….they are the purpose.  To watch them grow, become great women….that’s what really matters….and those things are the moments I’ve enjoyed most this past year….these things I’ve been able to enjoy without regret….

And that kids is the point of all this rambling….

You see…I’ve enjoyed many things this past year…..but so many come with regrets…..

And you know what….they simply shouldn’t……I should be able to live my life without these regrets….

But right now….that is not the case.

The Quote Of The Day

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey

I’ve lost the ability to live in the moment….for the most part….

My mind always returns to Ev……and even the happiest memories are bound to make you sad…..How long I will live like this I don’t know…..I wish I didn’t have to…..I don’t like it….

It’s easy too….to keep moving forward.  I’ve been pushing along in all sorts of ways since the beginning….many of them were bad, but I’ve figured out the best path for me right now and I’m staying on it…..

I am trying….it is not always easy….a tug of war, a roller coaster, the flow of tides….all the cliches apply….

I am trying….

Babe….I miss you………I really miss you……………..

wracking……so what…..

XO

 

  1. rachelle@rachelleoconnor.com'
    Rachelle O’Connor
    Mar 15, 2016
    Beautiful words Victor, thank you for sharing. ....
    Reply