The Ups and Downs at the man blog….

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Okay….maybe I poured more tears on Friday than I have in a while…it was a tough day.

It’s an odd thing….the Prescott area simply has that effect on me….Brockville too….the 416/417 corridor around it….

Why is that….well….that is where I met her….and that is where I have so many amazing memories with her…..Ev is in those places and so much of my heart is also….

And I wrack this soon this morning….because I sit here and think about all those moments….the moments I Love which now seem so painful……

first kiss

You see that tiny dot…..that is where we first kissed….it was a wonderful moment in my life…..and it’s a spot that I’ve passed by often….I spot I used to pass by with Ev….and sometimes I’d pull in….we would get out of the truck….and we would relive the moment…..

I loved her too much………

Since Ev passed I haven’t been back to that spot…I haven’t been in the Brockville Barley Mow, it used to be a Mexican restaurant….I’ve never eaten there, Ev and I only shared a pitcher of Sangria….we never managed to order even though we sat there for 5 hours….until they kicked us out to kiss in the parking lot………..

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this….thinking about the past and pouring tears.

The thing is, I’ve been trying to move forward for a long time.  It’s hard to do…it leaves me reeling…..I spiral…..

Sharing moments with new people is very hard for me….to feel comfortable with someone else….it doesn’t always hold up.  I do try and right now I’m giving it a really good go….

I’ve tried a lot of things this year, some have seemed like excellent avenues of escape…things that seemed to help me find solid ground but in the end added to the whirlwind….I have spiraled this past year, usually just slowly spinning, grasping at what needed to be focused upon at the time and then whipping along…forgotten moments.

I’ve also made the attempt to dig in my heels several times….really get some traction, but I’ve failed….a few times I’ve simply found myself dug in….ending in quicksand and turning to whatever rope could get me back….not to hard ground but up…spirally at the edge of control…..

On the bright side those ropes at Home Depot didn’t ever seem enough….no….I would punish myself in other ways….

These days it’s the gym….I have escaped under the weight I choose……..next up….I will attempt to lean out….we will see just how focused I can be….this line is thinner….

I did discuss this with Donald on Friday night, he told me I was getting too big, and when I explained to him that the gym fulfills a void in my life he exclaimed that he knew that….like I was working out like a crack addict hiding some pain….which is true.  I use the gym as a drug….it makes me feel great…mentally and physically….

And as I sit on the bench with a 120 pound dumbbell in each hand….taking a few breaths before I lay down with 240 pounds on my chest and start pushing…..I look at myself in the mirror and say to Ev…..let’s do this…..

I wrack saying that….thinking about the conversations I have with her every day…..my imagined responses…..

I try to guide my life with her these days….I attempt to manage my life as if she was here…..

That makes me so sad to think about…to type….wracking…..

You see….I don’t want to be this person….I don’t want to have to share these feelings….I don’t want to feel them!!!!   I wish I didn’t have to….I do not want to………..

The Quote of The Day

You can punch a wall or write a song. Just as painful either way, but you have something to show for it at the end of the day with a song. Trent Reznor

I don’t have to do this…sit here and write the man blog….

I could endure my grief silently hiding behind a smile….having a beer at the pub with my friends, no one the wiser….

I could share 100 kisses with someone I enjoy and they would never know what goes on behind my closed eyes…..

I could sit here alone pouring tears and not type….

Babe….I miss you too much….I love your face.

The Weigh In

246 pounds today, only 7 pounds less than the most I’ve ever weighed….time to lean out……..

  1. angele@shoeboxbegone.com'
    Angèle
    May 22, 2016
    I've lost someone once, and I still miss him something horrible. I moved on, had a family, but in the end I stand here alone. And I do exactly what you do - live my life as if he was there, talking, imagining his responses. And damn it now I'm crying. xox
    Reply