Monthly archives March 2016

I woke up and the color was simply gone…..

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I woke up and the color was simply gone….it had washed away in the blink of an eye…..the single biggest moment in my entire life…..the instant Ev left……

Jesus Christ……how does that make me cry today….after everything I’ve done in the past 15 months…after the life I have…the happy moments I live…..

……………………………………………………to be continued……without a headache….

I cut writing the man blog short yesterday, I went down pretty hard on the hover board, luckily my head cushioned my fall…the old head and neck haven’t quite recovered but I am going to attempt a trip to the gym shortly…

So…where was I……

You know what I spent a lot of my day doing yesterday….listening to the sound of my laugh…..

It’s a strange thing……the need to listen to your own laugh, over and over again…..luckily I have lots of little video clips that capture it…..it’s a sound I love to hear….and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people that bring it out…a life that has plenty of laughs in it.

When I went down on the wake board yesterday I took a moment to just lay there….I took an inventory of my bones….what hurt….what didn’t.  I had that little discussion in my mind, “You idiot”….and Ave stood over me…smiling….we had a good laugh….

It was Ave’s birthday yesterday and the Hover Board her one request.  It made her day, the neighborhood kid’s….and mine.  She had a wonderful day.

Ave is a child that glows when she is happy….she beams uncontrolled happiness….it is a force that makes everyone around her feel joy….

Charisma.  She has it, a gift from her mother……

So here I am this morning, it’s March break so only one of the ladies is awake, little Charlotte sits watching Curious George and eating a toaster strudel….the other ladies will sleep for a while yet.

It isn’t always easy being the single dad to 4 girls, the grocery bill alone frightens the hell out of me, it’s a mortgage payment…..soon the oldest will be dating…..driving….christ….it will be interesting.

For me though, they are the reason….they are the purpose.  To watch them grow, become great women….that’s what really matters….and those things are the moments I’ve enjoyed most this past year….these things I’ve been able to enjoy without regret….

And that kids is the point of all this rambling….

You see…I’ve enjoyed many things this past year…..but so many come with regrets…..

And you know what….they simply shouldn’t……I should be able to live my life without these regrets….

But right now….that is not the case.

The Quote Of The Day

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey

I’ve lost the ability to live in the moment….for the most part….

My mind always returns to Ev……and even the happiest memories are bound to make you sad…..How long I will live like this I don’t know…..I wish I didn’t have to…..I don’t like it….

It’s easy too….to keep moving forward.  I’ve been pushing along in all sorts of ways since the beginning….many of them were bad, but I’ve figured out the best path for me right now and I’m staying on it…..

I am trying….it is not always easy….a tug of war, a roller coaster, the flow of tides….all the cliches apply….

I am trying….

Babe….I miss you………I really miss you……………..

wracking……so what…..

XO

 

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The Ups and Downs at the man blog….

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Okay….maybe I poured more tears on Friday than I have in a while…it was a tough day.

It’s an odd thing….the Prescott area simply has that effect on me….Brockville too….the 416/417 corridor around it….

Why is that….well….that is where I met her….and that is where I have so many amazing memories with her…..Ev is in those places and so much of my heart is also….

And I wrack this soon this morning….because I sit here and think about all those moments….the moments I Love which now seem so painful……

first kiss

You see that tiny dot…..that is where we first kissed….it was a wonderful moment in my life…..and it’s a spot that I’ve passed by often….I spot I used to pass by with Ev….and sometimes I’d pull in….we would get out of the truck….and we would relive the moment…..

I loved her too much………

Since Ev passed I haven’t been back to that spot…I haven’t been in the Brockville Barley Mow, it used to be a Mexican restaurant….I’ve never eaten there, Ev and I only shared a pitcher of Sangria….we never managed to order even though we sat there for 5 hours….until they kicked us out to kiss in the parking lot………..

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this….thinking about the past and pouring tears.

The thing is, I’ve been trying to move forward for a long time.  It’s hard to do…it leaves me reeling…..I spiral…..

Sharing moments with new people is very hard for me….to feel comfortable with someone else….it doesn’t always hold up.  I do try and right now I’m giving it a really good go….

I’ve tried a lot of things this year, some have seemed like excellent avenues of escape…things that seemed to help me find solid ground but in the end added to the whirlwind….I have spiraled this past year, usually just slowly spinning, grasping at what needed to be focused upon at the time and then whipping along…forgotten moments.

I’ve also made the attempt to dig in my heels several times….really get some traction, but I’ve failed….a few times I’ve simply found myself dug in….ending in quicksand and turning to whatever rope could get me back….not to hard ground but up…spirally at the edge of control…..

On the bright side those ropes at Home Depot didn’t ever seem enough….no….I would punish myself in other ways….

These days it’s the gym….I have escaped under the weight I choose……..next up….I will attempt to lean out….we will see just how focused I can be….this line is thinner….

I did discuss this with Donald on Friday night, he told me I was getting too big, and when I explained to him that the gym fulfills a void in my life he exclaimed that he knew that….like I was working out like a crack addict hiding some pain….which is true.  I use the gym as a drug….it makes me feel great…mentally and physically….

And as I sit on the bench with a 120 pound dumbbell in each hand….taking a few breaths before I lay down with 240 pounds on my chest and start pushing…..I look at myself in the mirror and say to Ev…..let’s do this…..

I wrack saying that….thinking about the conversations I have with her every day…..my imagined responses…..

I try to guide my life with her these days….I attempt to manage my life as if she was here…..

That makes me so sad to think about…to type….wracking…..

You see….I don’t want to be this person….I don’t want to have to share these feelings….I don’t want to feel them!!!!   I wish I didn’t have to….I do not want to………..

The Quote of The Day

You can punch a wall or write a song. Just as painful either way, but you have something to show for it at the end of the day with a song. Trent Reznor

I don’t have to do this…sit here and write the man blog….

I could endure my grief silently hiding behind a smile….having a beer at the pub with my friends, no one the wiser….

I could share 100 kisses with someone I enjoy and they would never know what goes on behind my closed eyes…..

I could sit here alone pouring tears and not type….

Babe….I miss you too much….I love your face.

The Weigh In

246 pounds today, only 7 pounds less than the most I’ve ever weighed….time to lean out……..

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The season will change….

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Looking at the long range forecast for Ottawa…it’s over.  Winter has come to an end…..as it does…..

How am I feeling?  I’m not sure….I find myself in new places all the time.  Good things are around me all the time, unknown things or those forgotten….from long ago.

I hate this man blog….I sit here and tell the type of things no one has to tell….in the end you become my therapist….sitting there listening to my chatter….my confessions….

Let me start with this, so far this morning I have not cried.  The last day I cried was the last day I sat here and click clacked these very same keys writing this same man blog…..so it goes….

I have fought tears a few times, digging up stories….spilling the beans on how I feel, who I am, or what I think…..

This weekend I will be driving passed Ev a few times….I’ll bring my boots so that I can trudge through the snow…..I will stop to tell her I love her even though I tell her 100 times every day……

Now I will wrack……I’m sorry……

You know, doing this isn’t easy….some of the people in my life see me and think it is…they look at me and…I guess they figure I make easy work of it….”If I can do it”….anybody can…..

Ya….I can do it….I wish I couldn’t.  I wish I didn’t have to learn these lessons…..I’ve learned enough lessons………..

Where did I begin today…..oh ya….new experiences, long forgotten…..here we go……

I’m trying….I wish they days were easier……

The Quote of The Day

Let your mind go….and your body will follow…
Steve Martin (LA Story)

My favorite movie….a quirky love story……this has been my favorite since my early 20’s….when I was a simply ruffian….not much has changed…..

I do try to let my mind go…..it has been a mantra of mine for so long……..

For everything that is said…..for all the good and bad things I speak of here…..so much more goes on…………..

So the man blog continues….we need a weigh in challenge to bring a few more laughs to the show….You should see Parker, at the gym every day for weeks now!

Babe….I love your face….I miss you terribly……

XO

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