Monthly archives February 2016

Sunny Days….

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A week away with the ladies in the Dominican Republic…

Surrounded by a great group of people….we all had fun.

This trip was a lot like the last.  I had plans of late nights and long daytime naps….I told the ladies before we left that I’d prefer if they could spend a bit more time with Charlotte this year so that I might have more grown up time….but…all but the first night I ended up in bed with Charlotte, there just might be something going on in Frozen, the Princess and the Frog, maybe even the book of life…some tid bit I missed the first 100 times I’ve seen these movies…

I could have stayed out….I chose not to.

Most of my days I spent at the pool or water slides with Charlotte while the big girls did their thing…at the beach with the rest of the group or playing volleyball with the Parker kids.  I spent days with the parents of the little girls that Charlotte would play with, and a few rum and cokes….

There was a lot of happiness for all of us, a wonderful trip with great people ensures that.

I did attempt a man blog while I was away, one evening before dinner on the porch….alone.  It wasn’t going to be a mournful ramble….I was simply trying to share a bit of our joy.  Had the internet been better I would have too….but now you’ll have to get it from home as big fluffy snow flakes tumble down…..

I did not cry at all during my week away.  Moments of sadness, sure….but those were just memories.  Here they are….

ev and charlotte

evelyn kindervater wheeler

Ev love

Evelyn goes golfing

Evelyn KIndervater-Wheeler and Charlotte Wheeler making funny faces

Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler at the cottage

I have a million memories…..I love them so much that it kills me to look at them….to know that this person can not be pictured in my memories ever again.

I wrack…..so what……

I make new memories…..

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A million memories are yet to happen for me and my babies…..I intend to make as many of them happy as I possibly can.

The Quote of The Day

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

I wish life had never offered me this….I hate it….it does offer something worth searching for.  Life….

I know what matters and I surround myself in it, I’m immersed.  I also try to teach my babies that love is a very important part of life….and not just from a spouse or significant ‘other’.  The love of your friends and family are important too.

My children and I are lucky to be surrounded by people that love us…and we are lucky enough to have people we love.

Babe….I love your face….your babies are happy….xo

XO

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Valentines….take 2

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Just now I went back and read my Valentines post from last year….my thoughts…I think I was bitter….hurt….angry….

Looking back I realize just how much of a disaster I was then, how much further I still have to go.

I also realize how far we have all come….Syd and Charlotte behind me now, sitting together on the piano…trying to play a tune together….Ave and Rhi watching tv, relaxing before we head out for a little pre-vacation shopping….

Things here are good.  We are doing good….happiness fills our lives.

I’m better this Valentines day, I’ve come a long way.  I’m still missing Ev….every day.  I miss the moments that everyone that has shared love misses.

The other day while Syd and I were in the truck it I thought about this thing that Ev used to do….I sign of affection she would share….a simple thing really but…she would hold me and push at the same time….like an attempt to stretch me…to ease some tension.

To me it always felt like a deep connection…..it was an expression of love…..and while Syd and I sat at a red light I gave her that push and told her that her mother used to do it to me….that I missed it….

I’m sad to think about those things I miss….her touch….I fight wracking right now….so hard the back of my throat hurts…..

I will not cry this Valentines day…..

I will love my babies.  This morning I made pancakes with fresh berries, woke the ladies up early and enjoyed a few perfect moments in their company….

Everyone got a big hug this morning, Ave might have hogged more than the rest….she loves a good hug…..not as much as I do, but close  🙂

Anyway…I’m rambling.  I have more on my mind than I can express here.

This I can say….on vacation this year I will once again find myself alone….sitting on the porch of my room….it will be late, humid and warm…..a bit of music….a book….a beer…..

I will be alone……

I search to share that moment again…..and now….my heart is in it…..

……….the man blog just took a 4 hour pause to pick up bathing suits and what seems like an entire summer wardrobe for a few girls…..

I  didn’t think I was going to publish the man blog today, I thought it would join dozens of other days I’ve chosen to hide….but…here it is….

….my heart is in it….I feel connected right now.  I don’t know how long it will last or what will come of it…..but I am happy….

The Quote of The Day

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.
Victor Hugo

I remember the first time I ever kissed her….I could take you to that exact spot.  It is one of the wonderful memories of my life, a moment and a feeling I will never forget.

I’m making new moments….I hope they stay with me forever….

Babe….I love your face.  I miss you every day.  Thank you for loving me….I love you for so many things, for teaching me…….

So what if I’ve cried today…..even if I didn’t want to….the day isn’t ruined by it.  This is my expression of love….tears streaming down my face……….

 

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Where does time go….

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I jumped on here this morning to pound out a quick update….it’s been a while………

Having a look I realized I didn’t remember when I last wrote the man blog…a week…2?  So I thought I’d search for a theme that offered up a date stamp..  It didn’t take long to find a nice one and I ran a preview of it….

It was okay…but it expanded background images….I found it made the posts a bit harder to read….but I scanned through a few to see if it would work….

Words and pictures fly by in the foreground…..

and an eye…………

and lips……

magnified………

wracking…………..

I miss her…….it’s not fair that I have to be hurt for this long……it’s not fair………………..

I’m trying very hard to move forward….I’m fixing myself, trying to get healthier…..I want to find a person in my life I can love…..I am trying……..

…..I’m hurt though….and it’s not easy to share……it’s also hard to hide…..I’ve been trying……

I try not to hide here….and after 14 months I still find myself sitting here pouring tears.  I try now to turn this feeling off.  Right now I make myself…….colder……untouchable…..worse…..

If you’re not going to feel what are you going to do….where will I end up…….

I hate the man blog……..

Anyway…..

The Quote of The Day

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin

This isn’t funny.  It’s fun, I do my very best to ensure that we have fun around here….but I’m missing….I’m not just missing something……I’m missing……

Ya, I’ve heard it….I’ve said it….

I’m nothing….it’s fine…..but I’m trying…..

The Weigh In

I’m not going to bother the guys for a weigh in right now….I’ll offer my guess based on years of it….

Andy Trafford…aka…old dusty….is down.  From photos I’ve seen of the old fossil he is now sporting a beard also….his is darker than mine even though he is twice…or maybe 3 times my age…go figure.

Trafford has been on the shakes….he is down…..

That’s it though….everyone else is even or up….

Now some of us are getting bigger due to the gym, Kevin Parker may not be losing weight, but he is changing shape.  Arthur is a rock and I am not the smallest guy around….by a long shot.  The 3 of us will be Andre, Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Piper by spring…..I sure hope I don’t have to be Andre……

The Turk, the Iranian and the Italian are all back to their traditional diets….although Vinnie is still working out daily carrying around his necklace…..

Beagle….I’m sure….he didn’t look terribly thin drinking tracksuits at poker Wednesday….

That’s that….vacation season is just about here….

Babe….I miss you….too much…..

XO

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