Life…Death…and a few things in between….

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I’ve been doing this man blog thing for a long time….years…how many years, 5 years….maybe longer…

It used to be a celebration of love and life, friendships….a joke about playing poker and eating too much, diets, so many diets….

A ritual…a lot of days written in the early morning while Ev was at boot camp…and when she came home she would sit in the same spot every day and read it….

I wrote it most days….right up until we found out Ev had cancer….it slowed after that….

Once she died….I used it to try to understand how I was feeling……I could take the time to let my emotions simply flow out of me.  It was great….I needed to do it.  After a few weeks I would have given it up…but a lot of people were messaging me…and a lot of those were thanking me for sharing.  Some were thankful to hear about a great love….and some were thankful for hearing about the expression of grief.  Hopefully my pain has helped others with their journey.

Not much of it was for anyone but myself though, it did offer some insight to how I was doing to my friends…I have a wonderfully loving and supportive group of friends.

The man blog has also ruffled a few feathers.  I remember last February and March when I discussed dating….how I thought I was ready to give it a go…yep…I did receive a few warnings.

Guess what….they were founded.  I wasn’t ready….

It’s been 13 months now since Ev left….I miss her terribly every day.  You see, I still love her….big time.

So….the man blog allows me to share that, for better or worse…and yesterday it allowed me to share that with people all over the world….50 plus countries….I’ve seen it as high as 80 and who knows, I’m sure it’s been more but I simply didn’t bother to look.

Today like every other day I get to sit here and say whatever I want to whoever reads this man blog…and I might ruffle some feather again….like yesterday….when I was told I was a piece of shit….

Let’s take a moment to sit here and think about something….

If there is a heaven….if there is a soul that lives on and looks over us….A Father’s, Mother’s, Sister’s, Brother’s, Husband’s or Wife’s….whatever….if you believe that…..

Are you doing the best you can for those people…..can you face them and know that they approve of what you’re doing….in your life……

I don’t need to judge you see….if you believe….then judgement has already passed….

Hey….I do what I can, I have some regrets…..but I live my life as if Ev was right here beside me….I love that woman still as if she is sitting right outside this office…..on the sofa…..waiting for me to say it’s done so she can read the man blog.

 

The Weigh In

I’m down a couple of pounds, nothing worth yelling off the rooftops as I’m still over 240 at 242.2 pounds.  Yesterday for breakfast I had 8 egg whites and one full egg with half a piece of protein pita….too much….so stuffed I could puke!  Just a protein shake at lunch….and a chicken breast with broccoli for dinner…after a trip to the gym.

My shoulder is killing me….I may have to focus on cardio for a bit to let it heal.

the boys

That’s a nice one isn’t.  Only had 6 bodies guys, sorry…took the first 6 heads I had available…

Quick again….no big losers, Athur 192.8….at gym every day, Vinnie 178….pasta every day, Andy 180…back from yurting and back to the shakes, Pirouz 157…shakes…says he only wants to get to 155, Beagle 196.7….elliptical…starvation…4 weeks until the beach for you Beagle….lots of time, Ayhan 188.6…2 Turkish dinners he tells me.

The Quote of The Day

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.
Will Smith

As I told my critic yesterday, I don’t want to fight….I want what’s best for my family.  I forgive you, and I’m sorry.

XO

Have I cried today, yes…yesterday, yep…I love and miss my wife….does that suck…you bet.  Does it hurt me to share these things here…to have you all know how much pain I feel….yes.

I’m a man’s man.  I stand tall among my friends….they know they can count on me…no matter what.  I am proud, I’m proud to be man enough to be able to share these things…..

I know what love is…..I love large….eternally….my wife…my babies…my friends and family…..my life.

I know what pain is….I suffer…constantly….you think you can make it worse….come…..bring everything you have………I’ve already been destroyed……come with every thing……………..

Babe…..thanks for giving me your love….and strength…..I love you….