Yep…another week…done….

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Am I counting down time here? ┬áSometimes I think I am….

Not my best week….but then again this isn’t the easiest gig I’ve ever had….

Missed Ev quite a bit this week, thinking about her a lot….

How in hell I’m going to get through 20 years seems impossible right now…holy smokies….

The good thing is I only consider suicide or murder suicide daily between 7 and 8:30 during the pre school struggle and then half the days between like…5 and 9….


So pretty good….

I mean come on…4 daughters….are you kidding me?????

Anyway…just so we are clear….I don’t consider murder/suicide any more than any other parent I know…it’s just one of the options….

I would also be willing to accept a nice foster home….that’s right, I’m up for adoption…If my foster family could have a well equipped 3 car garage, preferably heated….they won’t even know I live there other than a pile of laundry once a week or so…and I don’t even wear underwear so…one less thing to worry about…

Last night we went with the shwarma platter so no need to weigh in….for any of us….and Ave had tumbling in Kanata so it was a late night, luckily a PD day for the littlest 2 today…that cuts my afternoon drive down from 2 hours to just 1.

I crawled out of bed at 5:30 this morning….not enough sleep…but when I closed my eyes I was haunted by views of the laundry room….4 loads already today and a recent journey into Syd’s room unveiled what seems to be 2 loads awaiting my attention…

I’m so excited!!!!!

Well that’s it for today…….

To be honest….I’m lost….I’m trying to keep my shit together, hiding how much I miss Ev….it’s not easy….it’s total bullshit that she can’t just walk in the front door….

Because after 13 months….I still wait for that…… every…. single…. day……….

Am I living here……pretending to be someone……

I’ve been seriously considering some grief counselling recently…..I’m not sure if it will help………….but it might be someplace I can truly be myself………….

Even here…..I hide……..

Babe…….fuck………I miss you………..

    Jan 23, 2016
    So, I have a fixation with the man blog. Yep, I check in here every week if not every day in the hopes that magic has crept in and suffering has been lessened. True to grief and its "process" some blogs seem like the magic has crept in and some are raw with the grim realities of grief and post-traumatic existentialism. This particular post has me Googling grief counselling where I came upon the website for Bereaved Families of Ontario - Ottawa. As I navigated this site I came across what struck me as an "unfeeling and harsh" article title. It reads 'My Spouse is Dead'. The more I reflect on it, I recognize that the essence of the title is a cold and harsh reality. Among the web pages connected to this article, I find a TED talk on what appears to be gaming but actually discusses resilience and post-traumatic growth. Grief comes from loss. Loss comes in many forms. Whatever the form it often brings existential questions like: How do I go on? How do I live? Why do I live? What is the point? I can't live like this... How do we live in the face of loss and not just exist in living? This video is a discussion on post-traumatic growth and resilience. Maybe it will help a reader... Victor already has a lot of the resilience factors in place... Resilience where do we find it? Grief/loss is an unfortunate and tragic reality of living. It's learning how to live in the face of the unthinkable, the unexpected... Learning is a lifelong process in the evolution of each individual....
      Mar 01, 2016
      I've just read the Time article to get a summray of the author's thinking. As a clergyperson for almost 30 years, I've seen a number of people live through loss and grief in a variety of ways, and have done so myself. I have found that people often experience the feelings that Kubler-Ross's identified (as well as others), but it is been clear to me for many years that we do not expereince those feelings in systematic stages, but rather in unpredictable roller-coaster fashion not unlike the oscillating graph shown on this site. My own (admittedly anectodatal) take on grief is that the plethora of intense feelings we typically have for some period of time are the psyche's way of honoring the importance to us of the person (or job or marriage or ) that have been lost. Once we have done that to the degree each needs, we are ready to move on in our lives. What I continue to observe is that while the varieties of approaches to grief process described and debunked in the Time article are widespread in the culture, it is also the case that in practical terms our culture often leaves little space and time for grieving. People are routinely expected to be able to return to normal functioing, especially in the work world, within a week or two of a major loss as if nothing significant had happened. There seems to be a disconnect between the possibly over-developed psychological approach to the inner work of grief and an under-developed acknowledgement in the public world of the functional challenges that people in the early, intense time of grieving often face.