A quick man blog….

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Let me first say that I do not want to do this anymore…I’m doing this right now because…..why….

why why why….

Okay…here I am, cleaning the house up….kids are at school…music cranked…a bit of dancing too….why not….

What did it…..what triggered this…..I just took a walk through the house to try to put it together…and this is it…

It’s a tornado….that is what I live in…..

As I clean up I have to make constant decisions about what to do with….things…..

things…..in my kitchen I have slowly moved THINGS to one small section of counter…..today I am attempting to move those things….a crystal….a garden stake that says Eve on it, a gift from her mother…a flower pot…..

there are hundreds of things here….untouchable items……….

This is it…..this is my mess……

You see its the realization that the thing wrong in this life is me…..I am the mess…..

And that’s why I don’t want to write the man blog anymore……

Because here I can only hide so much……..

I don’t want to be this anymore….I don’t want to tell you I’m wracking right now……

I want so badly not to be this…..I don’t want to feel this way……..I just want to find myself at the end of this….I can’t be this, I don’t WANT TO!!!!!

And here it is in the damn man blog…..I don’t want to do it anymore….I want to hide and to pretend to be the me I want to be……….

You want to know the whirlwind of my mind….I few thoughts this morning…..

I put Ev’s plant stand out to the road….it had been in the house for 6 months and beside the house for 3….I finally got rid of it….soon it will be winter…they will close the cemetery….how will I spend xmas with her…will I shovel or will I just clomp through the snow….I need a distraction….why am I a mess….open the garage door…is that a med kit from Ev’s Chemo up there….I must clean that shelf….

god damn it……..

I need a vacation……………………….

Please take me away from this………..

okay kids…..this is wracking at it’s best….

Ya I’m a disaster, so what………..I get it done……I try……

The Quote of The Day

A dream is what makes people love life even when it is painful.
Theodore Zeldin

I hardly ever dream anymore….few I remember and all those I do are nightmares……nothing but nightmares……..

This is the thing….

I am fine…I’m good…much better every single day…..

but if you fight the quicksand too long…..it will get you…..

I do not want to do this anymore….I hate the man blog…..I hate this……

Babe….why…..I’m sorry…….

There are lots of you that read this man blog that don’t know me. ┬áReally how many do…50…less than 50 really know who I am…every day….before this…before Ev.

I have lived most of my life pretending to be the strongest guy in the room….I pull it off most of the time….and now a thousand people see in me what all of us try to hide….our pain and weakness……

enjoy mine……and please….stop reading the man blog……