What am I doing here……

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I thought about writing this man blog yesterday, driving to pick up Syd, having been offered fresh condolences….

After a week of deciding it would be time to live…start again I suppose…it was a bullet between the teeth….the realization that life as me will not be easy….I can fight my emotions, live in the moment rather than the past……..the past……

I can’t kid myself, I am now the single father of 4 children.  This is not an easy gig.  It certainly wasn’t part of my plan…and that is a tough part of it for me…the plan is over….

You spend 10 years of your life thinking you’ll never date again.  You dream about your death bed, and the woman that will be saying goodbye to you……..

I’ve had that dream, before….it felt good, warm, fresh….in a dream of my last breath with Ev by my side….that dream of my own death seems so good….it seemed good then and nothing has changed…….well…..it was a dream then and now that’s all it will ever be…..

So….yesterday I wracked on my way to grab Syd at school, likely the first time all week…..and really, I haven’t felt the twang of anguish much this week at all….some picking up the kids on the weekend, passing through Prescott….a bit talking to the social worker regarding Ave….but I’ve been good.

Some moments have been wonderful, and I expect to have many more of those…I’m working towards much more of that.

It’s not like I haven’t been enjoying my moments, I’ve simply not been….in them….I have let so many moments exist as a distraction, without my full attention….

I have tried to pull out of those distractions for now.  I have to reset those moments….some I will try again with my full attention, some I may realize I can not…..

The summer is now over and as I quickly find myself facing 10 months and soon….too soon…a year…………

I wonder what that day will bring me…..I catch myself perusing travel sites….looking for an escape….in the end though, I’ll have to stand….

I will have to be me…I’ve spent my life standing for my friends….and now I’m going to have to do it for myself.

The man blog will likely not get the updates it used to….I hope….I’m going to try to shrug off the warmth of quicksand….hopefully that results in stable happiness….right now I have no idea….I have felt so good giving up to it.

The Quote of The Day

Everyone focuses on the earthly state, but how cool might death be? I believe in spiritual rebirth, and I can’t wait to experience that.
Barry Zito

It’s a strange thing that recently I’ve been thinking of reading the Tibetan book of the dead, and here I find myself reading quotes about rebirth….

It is time for me to be reborn, here in this life….I don’t know what that will mean, but I strive dearly for it to be great.

I love so many things these days and I feel greatly, more than I ever have….the result of longing for more….

I feel I am holding so much love….and so much pain…..

Babe…I love you….I can only wish you here for so long…..as long as I live…..

What a mess…..there is just so much more…………..

Ladies and Gentlemen, make a difference today….it’s easy….a simple hello, a slight kindness….it will make someone’s day just a bit better….and it might very well spread…….

  1. Anonymous
    Oct 06, 2015
    Hello mate xo
    Reply