Is it time?

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Today I thought I’d try taking Ev’s wedding band off my necklace….It’s October first….a new beginning for me maybe…

I have to start taking care of me…..my life….

…….I don’t know if I can sit here day after day writing this man blog…..while looking out the window….waiting to see Ev walking up to the front door….

That’s not going to happen….

What is inevitable is this….life.  Tomorrow I will have to wake up, just like I do every day, and pack kids off to school.  I’ll have to pick them up…take them to dance, sports, some day I’ll see them all off to prom…off to University….down the aisle….

Someday….

This week I’ve decided that by my birthday in April I want to be in the best shape of my life….a young 45?  I’ve made this decision before, more than a decade ago, and ended up solid…..and I am going to do it again.  Take care of myself for the next 6 months….

Drink less….ya…soberish Octoberish…but I do need to take it a bit easier.

I didn’t want to write the man blog today….I thought I might have a private conversation about how I feel….but I’d end up hiding…a liar….not laying it out as it is.

I don’t want to do this anymore….I just want to get to a place where I’m not fighting my emotions…and I will…it’s the plan.

Is tomorrow’s man blog likely to be a mess….maybe…next week’s?  Likely….

But right now I have to focus on moving forward…my focus has been split between 2 things, the survival of my children….and the destruction of myself….these 2 things will never work out….so I’ll have to start looking at way to ensure I survive also….

Oddly I started this blog post thinking it would go sideways and I’d dissolve into a puddle….but you know what….it’s time to start getting myself back together…..if I don’t the entire show is going to come to an end….and I can’t let the kids suffer that….

The Quote of The Day

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I’m going to try to get this done without the use of steroids…..kidding….

So…bootcamp tomorrow at 5:30 am…..

Thanks to Mandy for helping me every single day.  Sarah, Yvette, Andrea, Mary….constantly checking my pulse…..I can’t list the list…..I’ve been pulled from the quicksand so many times….

I’ve figured out where it lays…..I won’t always find my way around it….but I’m  done wallowing.

Babe….I wish you were here to go through this journey with me….no stronger person has ever existed than you….I intend to make you proud.

 

XO

 

and why not…..I wrack a bit too……….