Why am I doing this…..

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I sit here wondering why I write this man blog….I could easily write this stuff down and never publish it…

Would I be hiding too much….of course….the people that are closest to me wouldn’t understand that in a moment of quick torpor at the pub I might be fighting tears….thinking of some beautiful memory….some moment of ultimate happiness…..

I’ve been terrible recently, these past few weeks have been deadly on me emotionally….

I’m fighting tears now….yesterday…at the pub on Saturday after golf…..

Not on the golf course though…..not due to the golf….but there is a state of mind that allows me to feel her near me….a warm embrace…….not good of course…..but once you’re in it….it’s very hard to let it go…..and when it does, as you feel it pass…..then you will find yourself at the pub….halfway through the night fighting tears in front of 200 people….

This is not what I want to be……….

I’m lost….I am…..

Fought my tears as I dropped the young ladies off to school, saved for a moment by a short conversation with a friend and then right back at it….

I’m buried now……quicksand for weeks it seems….I’m not sure what has brought this on….taken me back….or maybe I do….and it sucks.

There is a characterization for you….it sucks….how else can I simply describe it…..

Anyway….I’ve sat here for minutes thinking about what I am….who I have been and what I’ve become….in the end I could tell you how badly I feel about myself….because I do………..should I?  I guess I just did…. I’m not sure if good deeds fix bad seeds……I do try to be as good as I can to the universe….it has not paid me well for it recently….but I haven’t always been this person either….and deep down inside I wish I wasn’t.  Life would be easier….being good is not the easiest path….

The thing is….the human connection I feel when I help another person, a stranger or a friend….the part of me that is that person is the bit that Ev loved in me….

Where am I at today….pitying myself…….trying to figure out what I’ve done to deserve this…..

Screw it…that’s enough of me hating myself out of feeling pain for one day…..

ev and charlotte

The Quote of The Day

Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.
Eugene O’Neill

Is this my fairy tale?  My children’s?

When will my peace come?

Ya……..when……..

The good news for some is that the September diet extravaganza has been postponed, yesterday over breakfast at the pub while watching soccer with a few of the guys it was best decided to defer the diet to October…after Thanksgiving…

You see….if you are going to close the pub every weekend….you aren’t doing it right.

So I think for myself anyway, I’m going to give up the glug for a couple of weeks….after thanksgiving and before halloween parties begin….2 weeks…

Movati should open shortly after that and maybe…just maybe I can start 6 months of getting my act together…this I did before with great success…..we shall see.

For those of you that are here to read my grief….I don’t like this….but I have no other healthy escape….I have options….but this is likely the best of them…..I’m sorry I have to do it……

And I mean it…..I wish I didn’t……