I don’t know….I just don’t know….

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What am I doing?

Where am I now and where am I going?

I didn’t feel like writing the man blog today.  I don’t feel very sad and I usually write to unload a bit of pain.  Have I felt pain…of course….every day.  Did I cry yesterday, sure….but I blame Bridgitte…sorry Bridg….

But talk of love in my life is painful.  For now I am in love….madly….MADLY!!!!

I just deleted a line….it read I don’t want to be….a lie.  I do want to love Ev….forever….I just want the pain to stop.

The more sane I think I am the more insane I feel….I just don’t know….and I’ve always been sure.  I have been at point all my life….not now….floundering….why……….

Bridgitte wants me to meet someone…..someone wonderful…..and so do I.

I have 2 issues here….one, I must be swept away….if I have time to stand on the beach feeling the waves tugging at my feet I’ll run for shore….two, sometimes I feel it….like seeing the riptide that I know will pull me away….but I won’t take the steps to get dragged off……

Alone I’ll swim far out……I’ve taken it far far out to sea….alone……

But knowing that there may be some comfort at the end of…..whatever…..with someone……I just can’t…..I want to, I really want to….but I’m just me right now……….and this person finds himself…..lost….wandering….looking just past….searching…..

So….we can obviously forget about sane…….

I just want my direction back…I want to understand tomorrow……….myself, where I’m heading….what I’m doing….simple right….it is not.

Why am I crying right now…..because after 8 months I still wish my wife would come home…..because I love her too much…….

I don’t want to fucking do this anymore!!!!!!!!

I know I’ll get messages that this blog seems dark…it isn’t.  I don’t feel dark………

I’m happy….most of the day I’m good, living my life…..I’m not a sad person, I fight to make the most of every day….

I just want to be happy like I was before……I want my life to be the way it was……

I know it won’t be the same…..but I want it to be closer……..

anyway…I hope you all have a great day…..

I’m sorry I write these feelings…..I really am……

 

  1. Anonymous
    Aug 29, 2015
    Everyone, probably including your daughters want you to meet someone and fall in love, because only then will you know true hope and happiness again... I think I speak for anyone who knows you and what you've been through...you will find it again, maybe different than what you shared with Eve - but it will bring you what you are missing
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Aug 29, 2015
    Why apologize for writing your feelings, it's what's helping you through this time.
    Reply