Healthy healing…..

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I gotta say….I have not been 100% lately….and I mean 100% of what I have been….the new me…..

Somehow as I get closer to feeling….normal….I feel the moments more….the terrible feelings….

I chuckle to myself….how strange it sounds to try to explain how I’m feeling….

You see…and I’m going to try to be as honest as I can here so you’ll have to excuse me if this sounds a bit off…..okay…so….

I have found myself drowning a bit lately, and these moments of…..surrender??????   Weakness?????  I don’t know how to explain it, but when the feeling strikes me it’s almost like a fog moving across my life….into it…covering me…..

The greens just don’t seem as green…..and the reds….well they don’t seem as red…..

Things are pale, they have no life…there is no spirit in those moments…..

And my life before was different…..there was so much joy!   The greens and reds were shot out of rockets high into the sky to explode like fireworks….I would be in awe of how vibrant my life was…..it was so good you couldn’t see past it…you couldn’t forget how good it was……..

My life was so good…..I rejoiced within it…………….

And I try now………I try to make the greens greener and the reds redder……and I have found that even in the greenest of green moments………the fog will come….the quicksand will take me….even if for a moment…..

But…the worry is…..how long do I find myself lost in that fog….does it come and go in 5 seconds….or do I end up wallowing quietly for minutes…..losing myself in it…………..

…………………and we break from a flow of thought because the ladies want to learn how to make pancakes….we will see what mess that leaves me with……………..

Back to it then….that is the battle….to get up every day and make the most of it.  It is not easy.  I have to do this for my children, my family and myself….and it seem that getting it done for myself is the toughest part of the puzzle….

You see…..keeping the ladies together is easy…..I use love….and for me, that comes easy…..my family cautiously watch me, looking for cracks, but they know I have strength to hold it together….and I think they believe I will call on them if I really need to….my sister has heard my anguish….she knows the moments when I just need some confirmation that I am making it….that it will work it’s way out….

Myself…..I find myself….I had written scrambling….and hiding….but I’m not sure…..I’m just not sure what I am doing.

I know what I want…..I know I can’t have that.  I know I could find comfort right now….but the cost is still very high…..

The price….

I think my mind protects me….I think part of the grieving process is the ability for your own mind to only allow you to experience so much….just what it thinks you are capable of.

If you choose to push beyond this….you will pay.  The price will be pain…you will grieve….and the quicksand on those days is not a warm blanket of sorrow…….it is 300 pounds sitting on your chest….stealing your breath and locking down your thoughts…..you will wrack……and you will not get away until you forgive yourself from it…….yes you will have to set yourself free……and the only escape will be riding it out on a river of tears……….

So…..there are my thought’s for today…..an attempt to escape where I have found myself recently……

I just want………………………………………..

I used to love to want………….a feeling that was surrounded in joy……..

The things I want these days are impossible to have or impossible to write down here…..they will throw me away………..

The Quote of the Day

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

Tonight we will say so long to Chris as he travels back to the UK tomorrow.  We will celebrate some great times we have shared the past few months….

I will laugh….if my knee wasn’t in taters I would dance……I may sing….

The fog will chase me all night long….sitting in the back of my mind waiting for me to remember who I am, where I am and where I once was……..

I don’t dream much….but I had a fitful nap this afternoon…and I remember my dreams today…..I wrack in my dreams….I cry in my god damned sleep!!!!!!!!

There is no escape for me……when you dream of pain…………………

 

I just want to be better!  I need to get this done……..