The bad days…

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There are bad days….unlike months ago I don’t spend those days in tears….now I spend them fighting tears…none yet this morning….but I just got started…..

You see….I miss her………every day….every moment…………..

I’m not sure what got me going yesterday, why I felt so terrible…..maybe the weight of my physical well being, punishing myself for days…out at poker…with the boys…neighbors………drowning…………..

Yesterday I fought my tears…at home…at the grocery store….at sunday funday….I fought…..

As Syd and I walked through the grocery store yesterday we talked about Ev a bit, I let her know I couldn’t talk about it much or I’d break down in the deli isle…not something I want to be doing at noon on a Sunday….

The terrible thing about the grocery store yesterday was a memory I had of our first date, Ev and I sitting across from one another 9 years ago….talking the night away…..

I remember we talked about the darkness under her eyes….she told me that her doctor told her she was anemic, low iron…something we always combated for years with tons of asparagus and other high iron foods….

Of course, it hit me yesterday, anemia is a symptom of colon cancer….and she likely had it that day we sat across from one another…..falling in love…..

Now I will wrack………..

I miss her so much……….

There is my baby up, called away by Charlotte to get her dressed and make breakfast….

We are about 5 weeks away from school, at that time I’ll start going to the office for a few hours a day…an impossibility right now juggling these children….It will be good, I think I’m ready to sit there….I am strong enough to talk about Ev and fight my tears….most of the time….

I’ll have to do it, with Gen gone I’ll have to be there as much as she was, at least the clients will have more options now…it will be nice to chat like I did years ago, when Ev and I started….tiny Charlotte in my arms while I answered the phone…

I wonder if I’ll ever be the way I was before….always….I mean there are times I feel normal, that I’m not physically and mentally grieving….

There are times when I forget….I’m not sure why….maybe at those times I forget I’ve lost her….my mind eases itself into believing she is waiting for me….on the front porch….in our room….on the sofa….somewhere…..

Waiting…….

there we go, that will get me wracking again….

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting…..I don’t want to…………..

How did I get here………………

The Quote Of The Day

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.
Anne Roiphe

My life has joy….so much happiness….

I have amazing children….I have excellent friends….I laugh…we laugh!!!!!

My lows I can manage, I know how to work a smile….I know how to be happy and I make that choice every day….no one looks at me and sees pain, sadness or depression….

I am strong….thoughtful….caring….

These are the things that Ev loved about me….and I will always be this person…..

Babe…I love your face……….

2 minutes on the man fat….I know…not fat….

Anyway, 229.2 pounds, must get this under control but it isn’t easy with the current social structure…the boys are calling for a dry September….the last time they called for just a dry week and I’m the only one that did it!

Soccer tonight, poker Wednesday, Thursday GBG get together, the weekend closes out with Sunday Funday…..

Were does that leave room for a diet….seriously!