Can I Turn This Around….

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Can I Turn This Around….

You know…there is a certain amount of life the man blog doesn’t show…

As much as I discuss some terrible thoughts and feelings here….I do believe I hide the worst….and those are the things I am trying to get away from…

The questionable things…

So…Since Ev passed I have made a few changes in my life…and the house…some out of necessity as I simply haven’t been in the right state of mind to cover all my bases at home…and some out of misery…pain…doubt…grief…hatred….etc…

The simple things….At home I haven’t been keeping up on staying healthy…not for me…and not for the kids….

When Ev was here we always had fruit and veg in the house and it was consumed in high order.  Even little Charlotte would sit around a plate of raw veg and crush carrots and broccoli…but I let that slide recently…

I likely had not eaten an apple in 6 months….and those containers of raw veg we used to go through every other day…I haven’t purchased 6 of them…and those…went bad…

I more or less stopped making food…no more pots of chili on the stove, very few butter chicken with rice, spicy chicken with cucumber and cottage cheese. no homemade lasagna….

No…I didn’t have cottage cheese, yogurt and fresh fruit and berries….

I didn’t care to buy the things we used to buy….to eat the good food….

Hell….I bet I went weeks without a single antioxidant…..

And really….I’ve made some other questionable choices on my consumption….

I think I turned a corner this week….it may have been running the mud hero….it may have been poker with the guys a Ricky’s birthday….But in the end it is this….

I have a life to live….and I’m going to do it as fit and strong as I can….a better life…bigger….the way Ev and I would want it to be.

I must raise my babies to be strong and to do that I must be strong….I have to show them that a mid 40’s father can be healthy and strong….so that they will be that and look for that in life….

okay….so I feed myself and workout…no more starvation and low carb crap….we will see how that goes…

Next up….Vic’s emotional state….pitiful….

I cried at the Canadian Tire yesterday….I’m still at day 1.

Day ONE…….and this week will mark 6 months….Day 1…..how I can sit here and wrack like day 1…..

So here I am…I’m a mess….

I’m the single father of 4 girls….I can say I’m still working on that part of my life.  Thankfully I have amazing babies…they help out so much…and they love me as much as I love them….that makes it much easier….

There is joy there….I have so much happiness in this life….so much turmoil…..also.

I loved Ev so much….too much….I can say that….too much….

The pain of being without her is with me every second of the day….there are times I don’t feel it as much…times when I’m so happy it covers up my misery…..and I strive to enjoy those moments….because the others….like now, writing the man blog….these moments are terrible reminders to what I have lost….and how I feel about that…

Yes sir….messy….

evelyn kindervater-wheeler

The weigh in

We only have Beagle and Boyling regularly reporting these days although Trafford told me last night he is at 177 pounds…I believe he said he is 14 pounds heavier than at our trip to cuba.

Today I am 11 pounds heavier than that 225.5 pounds…and at that I am eating 4-5 times a day…good whole food…that is the secret…lol….we shall see.
Victor Wheeler Mud HeroNext Year I run this Mud Hero under 210 pounds….

Beagle is on a 9 day cleanse and finds himself at 197.2 pounds

Boyling is dropping like crazy and is at 192.2 pounds.

Poker tonight….I do feel a bit like eating a dozen egg rolls….

Wish me luck!

The Quote of The Day

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

One can only hope…I do think this…with Ev I learnt how to love…completely…she was everything to me….

Taken…………taken….

I must fill that up…loving life….my babies….the world…..

The world will not break me……..

Have a great day

Babe….I am strong….thank you….

XO

  1. Anonymous
    Jun 10, 2015
    May you be healthy, may you be brave, may you be strong... I’ve been quietly reciting these affirmations for you since I first heard your story. I’ve been more inspired by your story than I can express. You and Ev have awakened parts of me that in my entire life, I never thought I had a right to own. You are helping me grieve my own losses. I wish I had had the courage to be as honest as you are about what you’re going through, I think it would have helped me heal. I am realizing now, several years later, that I didn’t allow myself to grieve, I tried to survive by getting through each day pretending that it wasn’t that bad, pretending that I was okay, pretending that I was strong for my boys, when in reality, I was tormented. As a result, I am still compromised by some of the fear, anger, anxiety and hurt that naturally come from suffering a loss. You and mostly Ev, a woman I’ve never met, have inspired me to own my grief and more importantly, to own my power and my strength and my courage. I hope you know how many lives you are touching – family, friends and complete strangers like me. Thank you. Know that you have thousands of silent warriors walking behind you. May you be healthy, may you be brave, may you be strong…and may you once again have peace. xo
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Jun 10, 2015
      ThanK you. I hope that all of your days are great! Xo
      Reply
  2. Lisa
    Jun 10, 2015
    i LOVE READING YOUR BLOGS, yOU TRULY SEEM LIKE AN AMAZING MAN WITH ALOT OF WEIGHT ON YOUR SHOULDERS,, i KNOW HER BECAUSE I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH Ev, When i read these blogs it always brings a tear to my eye.. I can't imagine the pain you go thru every sec off the day. You always stay strong for your kids and I think its amazing..Ev is looking down on you and smiling saying thats my man, proud as ever.. You inspire me alot, To see the love that a man can have for his wife like you do is truly amazing. I hope you keep this blog going, Looking forwards to more reading...
    Reply